Let us know how exposure to your daughter goes.

Praying for you and her .... and also for the infidels.

Oh!

I almost forgot

in exposure
do not refer to this situation as an "affair" .... use the real word

adultery

"affair" sounds like a garden party

keeps it real

You should remain in Plan A

but read up on Plan B and get things ready "just in case"

This link has sample Plan B letters

*LINK HERE*

Pep,

Thanks for the link, but I have a question - why would I remain in Plan A. I think that your previous point about this being very Ugly (due to the debt), and calling a lawyer automatically throws me into Plan B - does it not?


I've done Plan A for 6 months and he refuses to write the NC letter.

Can you explain why I should continue in Plan A for now?

Plan A right up until the minute you are ready to launch the nuke of Plan B

.... which should come as a surprise

How are you doin' today?

I'm carefully writing (and rewriting) my Plan B letter. Thanks for the link to the samples.

On your link, I read a response from endofworld, and I have to ask myself the same thing - is this worth it? It is very draining.

i have to ask myself - do I want this spouse back?? Do I want someone who


- went on a long term assignment and left me for 1 year with starting a new business, maintaining 4 acres with a 2800 SqFt house, an elderly mother that needed to be moved twice and put on Medicaid, a daughter struggling with a drug addiction, and upkeep of rental property

while he

-started an affair and lived with OW for 9 months, ran up cc debt basically supporting her, attended family functions with her, passed himself off as divorced to everyone, introduced her to his coworkers, went with her for rehab for her son (did not come home when his one and only child went to rehab), and gave her money because she filed bankruptcy

and all the while he

-called me everyday to talk as if nothing was going on, sent me flowers several times because "he loved me and couldn't make it home due to work schedule" and allowed me to make an offer on another house.

I'm asking myself why I want someone who did that to me.

Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe I'm doing what you cautioned someone else not to do - wait until you are furious to implement Plan b.

Maybe I don't have enough patience for all of this. I don't want to make a decision that I'll someday regret, but how do you know what the right decision is? Do you just implement Plan B and wait for the A to fizzle? How do you accept being second choice?

Have you seen an attorney yet?

Please don't wait to do this. Do it before you send the Plan B letter.

How do you know? You decide what your limit is. Careful and honest introspection.

My H ended his PA on D Day. Truth is, he was ready for it to be over. He was relieved his life was going to become less complicated.

What worked for me ....

I began writing a list where each sentence began

I am certain that ......

I needed to nail down just what I was certain I would not tolerate, and I was certain I would/could/should get out of an unhealthy or immoral situation.

May I suggest you write your own list of what you are certain of .... The list can bring you clarity and help you focus.

Do not begin the list with stuff like:

"I don't think I want ...."

or

"I think I want ...."

THAT is the way infidels operate, and is how they get their lives so convoluted and twisted .... they don't want to make a choice.

I hope this helps.

because:

1. you have class

2. you are still in the process of developing a smart plan B

3. you are not about to tip your hand to the enemy infidels

4. your mind and heart are not quite ready to go "all in" for Plan B

Again, we have many similarities. I KNOW my WH used his A as a means of escape. We have had some really rough times over the last year - long distance move, he was laid off from a high profile job, I have had health issues, issues with our new house - many, many things that he didn't want to come home to.

After a lot of reading and reflecting I realized that OW was his escape. Because he presented himself to her in whatever way he wanted to, he wasn't the laid-off guy who was having financial troubles, trouble finding a job, and everything else. He presented himself as the fun guy who had a lot of money (I actually found out from OW that he told her he was semi-retired! He's 39 years old!).

OW has a lot of needy emotional issues and H was basically her knight-in-shining-armor! He listened to her problems, counseled her, sent her money, etc! I think maybe he felt his hands were tied with all of our issues, or he just didn't want to tackle them, so he created this new world where he COULD solve OW's problems and get praise and encouragement for the things he was doing for her.

Anyway, after reading Dr H books I realized that when H came home from a weekend with her, it was no wonder why he would withdraw and want to go back to be with her! I was depressed and moody, the kids were acting out because they sensed the tension in us, and there were sooooo many issues we had to face. The A was his way of escaping reality!!

Sounds like your H was being an escape artist too. No, it wasn't the right thing for him to do, but do you blame him? It sounds like you had/have some overwhelming issues. Just something to think about.....

Pepper,

Thanks for the encouragement. Can you answer two things for me?

1. How did you know that your H really ended the A?
2. How were you ever able to trust him again and move beyond the lies and deceipt?

I see a lot of discussion on what to do (Plan A B etc) but not a lot on how you move beyond the deceipt. Any insights would help me. I really do not want a D, but I'm just having trouble with the deceipt. Makes me feel so insignificant and totally not respected at all.

Thanks

OW was married to H's friend.

My H confessed/apologized to her H with me by his side.

After that, OW tried contact once, I called her husband and told him.

That pissed her off.

In my opinion, the wayward spouse sometimes needs to piss off their adultery partner. That is real "closure".

Not so nice for the OP. Big deal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We are recovered 11 1/2 years.

Trust issues take time. Trust is re-earned. Trust is not the same as love or forgive. Trust takes longer to recover. What takes even longer, is the resentment issue.

Most issues are 90% resolved after 2 years of bilateral dedicated work.

I do not trust couples who try & recover without marriage counseling.

I'm beginning to realize that MC and complete dedication is a must. I don't think that my WH is that dedicated. I need to make this part of the conditions of recovery....

Of course he's not dedicated.

Which is why Plan A just a little longer ... so that when you go Plan B on him (pitch black NOTHING from you) he misses you !

Ok, I'm still doing Plan A while I get my thoughts together and my Plan B letter written. WH will not write letter to OW, but said it is over. He was depressed and moped around for about 7 days, then all of the sudden he is happy as a lark - he loves me, thinks I'm cute as a button, thanks me for doing something for him, etc.

Does this sound like contact with OW has been reestablished? Sure does to me. Something made him awfully happy all of the sudden and I can't believe that my Plan A kicked in over night. Any opinions?

Knitgirl, I just perused this thread after hearing from you on mine. All I can say is, listen to Pepperband and Believer. They are experts. They will not steer you wrong. In the very beginning the helped me. To the best of my ability I followed.

This website and these people saved my marriage.

Tell ya what ~~~> ASSUME he is still in contact with OW , at some level.

Did you tell your daughter?

Did you inquire as to your legal rights?

Have you taken steps to secure finances?

Plan A like a maniac, make him as happy as a lark in the park .... and then plan B will have more of a JOLT to it.

Yes, that is what I am assuming.

1. Daughter told - she hates him right now. He was very ticked at me, telling me I should not put her in the middle

2. Appt. with attorney next week and monitoring credit reports on a regular basis

3. Still not sure if I should contact employer since he conducted this A on company business. A friend of mine in an HR position didn't feel that they would do anything about it as long as he didn't falsify his expense reports. Thoughts on that???

Well, that was quick. Did he give you any information on how/why the affair ended?