Post deleted by Jethro99

Continue the exposure. Call Mom.

Talk to their bosses at work. Explain that they are still communicating. Are they using company email to keep in touch?

One thing I know - waywards are inherently stupid.

OMW may be of help. Sounds like she is motivated. Just don't take it to the bank. She may not have your same level of tolerance.

Stupid doesn't begin to describe it.

I'll call her mom today.

The other guy's wife has begged me not to jeopardize her husband's job. She's afraid that if he gets fired she and her baby will be in a world of trouble financially.

Yes, they are using company phones and computers to carry on their relationship. The other guy's wife brought that up yesterday, and she said she was going to warn her husband to quit doing that since it would likely be grounds for termination.

OMW seems smart. She's just (like me) emotionally devasted and prone to irrationality. We've talked quite a bit, and she's whipsawing between trying to save her marriage and wanting to be permanently rid of the guy.

Pio I can't believe that is all you have to say to this man. Why not tell him to read HNHN and to start doing a plan A and all the things that go along with that other than exposure.

First off you can't work things out with you W if she is gone. If she is gone she will be working on making a life with OM. You need to figure out what you did that got your marriage to the point where it is and fix them. Also you should try and figure our what her EN's and and met them to the best of your abilty and try your hardest not to LB. Not meeting her EN and LBing is what caused her Love Bank to become so overdrawn that she even considered an A in the first place.

Trust me I know because I was almost there myself and what pull me back from falling in that great abyss was that I told my H I was tempted to cheat and it is because I wasn't getting what I needed from him. Then he started making more of an effort to do the things I had been needed him to like going out with my kids and I not critizing me telling me he loves me more and that he appreciates the things I do around here with the kids.

Things are not perfect not but they are tons better than what they were and I no longer even consider cheating to get my needs met. So this my dear man is what you need to work on if you want you W back.

I know you are not perfect. None of us are and we all fall short. So don't beat yourself up just take a stand for you family and even if things don't work out the way you want them to then at least you can say you tried all you could to make things work and have no regrets. The state of your M is both of your fault but it only takes one person to take a stand to start healing the M.

Also what you should do is think about all the things you felt like she nagged you about and either work on doing them or not doing them. Her nagging you and I use the term loosely was her way of trying to tell you what she needed from you to feel loved. For whatever reason most men tend to think when their W comes to them and tell them they are not happy with something that is going they feel like their W is being a nag instead of listening and try to communicate better. If you are one of those men I suggest you take to heart to change things.

DIG,

Sorry. I was walking out the office door so I had zero time.

He has been lurking. He is doing all the right things. He is well schooled.

Sorry if you were offended.

No crazy man I am not offend. I just know that you usally give very helpful advice to newbies and when all you had to say was continue exposure I couldn't believe it. I am sorry if I offened you I should have known it was the best you could do at the time because I have seen you post around here and you not only are wise but not short on words. My bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Dig: "First off you can't work things out with you W if she is gone. If she is gone she will be working on making a life with OM."

I appreciate the idea, but there are a couple of things I might not have been clear on. I'm not sure I want to work things out. At the very least, I'm going directly to Plan B here. Also, "working on making a life" with this guy is the least of my concerns. He's 1500 miles away and a [censored] who is dumping his wife and kid for a woman he's known for six weeks. They aren't going to have any kind of "life" together.

I mean really. How many lasting relationships are begun with lies, deceit, infidelity, and the destruction of families and careers? I'll be amazed if this lasts another two weeks with them. The moment she has to start leaning on him for ALL of her emotional needs he's going to bail. Or at the very least he's going to be unwilling and unable to meet all those needs. She's going to crater. It's just a matter of time.

Do not be the one to leave your home. Please don't consider doing that. I think you need to do a good plan A for at least 2 or 3 months. If she wants to separate, she needs to be the one to leave.....she is the one having the affair.

Read Harley's, "Surviving an Affair" first.
Read 'His Needs Your Needs',
Doctor James Dobson's, "Love Must Be Tough" is good too.

MMMike I understand that right now you are very hurt and what you want will change from day to day. Today you may not want her and tomorrow you can't imagine life without her. I know she hurt you a great deal. I know she was neglecting your EN as much as you were hers. I am sorry for your pain but for you children do you think it is at all worth it to try your best to save your M? How old are your children? I have to say I don't know about you but you must realize if it wasn't the guy that is 1500 miles away it could have been someone right down the street. It's not the person that is the issue it is the unmet EN's and the LBing.

If you W is making the sorry decisions just on the fact that she is getting her EN's met do you really trust her to go off and find a good man that you would want to help raise your kids with or another creep. Melody Lane pointed out that abuse sexual and other wise goes up when OP are brought into your M. I don;t know about you but I wouldn;t be willing to take that chance.

Your W is not thinking clearly right now. Just for that reason alone I would not let her bring just anybody into my kids' life. From what you pointed out she doesn't know this man. Has only known him for 6weeks. She can't possibly love him. She is just loving the way he is making her feel and vice versa. If you can start making her feel that way about you again with no guilt and getting her needs met by the man she knows and loves. The father of her children any OM would not be able to compare.

So do you want to work on fixing you and the things you were doing to hurt your M or do you want to end your M? I say the choice is yours but I think you do want to try and fix it or else you would not be on MB's Just a thought.

Figure out what you want to do and then proceed from there. You seem to have a good partner in OMW... expose to everyone that can help. Keep notes as to what is happening and most definitley expose the use of company resources immediately. Speak to her supervisors yourself. As far as your wife intentionally inflicting pain on you...she is a nasty b!tch to do that and I wouldn't blame you for kicking her staright to the curb. But make a decision if this is what you really want.
I am sorry you are going through this. I would suggest that a start for you would be to remove internet access from your home and put a recording device on your telephone. Threaten the OM with an alienation of affection lawsuit. Be relentless in your efforts to break this up.

If you decide you want to stay... work Plan A. If not hire a bull dog attorney that will get you custody of your kids. Your wife obviously does not have their best interest at heart.
Keep talking with your therapist. Sounds like he is a real winner and could help your M.

DIG, instead of scolding other members who are helping, why not do something productive and advise the member YOURSELF? It takes several of us to get the complete message across and some members will focus on one aspect over another. That is a good thing.

Pio is giving him great advice, all you had to say was "please get your hands on SAA and HNHN." See how easy that is?

"Do not be the one to leave your home. Please don't consider doing that."

I'm not.

More background: For years she has travelled and I have worked from home. I'm lucky I can do what I do from home. I do all of the cooking, groceries, teacher discussions, etc. She travels.

There is no reason whatsoever for me to leave. Right now I'm just trying to convince her to get out (so I can Plan B effectively).

Just talked to her and she said she will call her lawyer today and ask if moving out will harm her in the divorce.

Huh?

Just yesterday she furiously accused me of getting a lawyer. She said she didn't have one. Now today she suddenly has one -- one who'll take her calls on Saturday.

Can you believe she would flat out lie to me when she said she didn't have a lawyer? I'm SHOCKED.

excellent advice

"I would suggest that a start for you would be to remove internet access from your home and put a recording device on your telephone. "

That's not realistic. We both need internet access from home for our jobs, and all of her calls are made on a company owned cell phone.

Besides, what is there to learn from a recording device? That she's being unfaithful? I already know that.

mike, this woman is going to have much bigger problems on her hands if this affair does not end and this evolves to divorce. She protects his career at the EXPENSE of her marriage because exposure at work again would put enormous pressure on the affair. I would definitely expose this again at work and this time, do it in a big way. Send a certified letter to Human Resources and cc the equivalent of the Division VP and their bosses. Once it escalates to that level, you are more likely to see some action.

I am posting some MUST READ articles that will give you the down and dirty on Plan A. Don't worry about Plan B for now, you are far away from that point. Sorry you are here, but welcome to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What are Plan A and Plan B: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Not entirely. From the guy's wife's perspective, he'll get fired and won't have money to support their child. From my perspective, if WW gets fired she'll be around all the time and that might make it difficult for me to get custody.

Besides, as I wrote in my first post the two of them already told their bosses. I have no doubt that their bosses have talked to HR about it (for CYA if anything else). What's going to happen to them at work is out of my hands. (Although according to them, it's my fault)