I'll be going by at 7:30. Is that too early?

She just called. We talked a little, and she offerred to call again before going to bed. What's up with that? Is she waking up a little?

From what OMW has told me (about how OM is a wreck) I have a theory. And my theories are proven correct 12.4% of the time. OM is hitting bottom and is all of a sudden really emotionally needy. He's not getting any emotional support from his wife, and I'm thinking he may have leaned a little too hard on WW for that support. Their "relationship" isn't equipped to deal with anything like that. And no one wants to see their knight in shining armor reduced to an emotional wreck the first time the relationship runs into a little difficulty. It's a thought.

One other thing: she is obsessively monitoring MY phone records. Why should she care who I'm talking to?

To see if you are contacting OMW?

She knows you are talking to OMW. She is worried about something more than that. She is trying to figure out what you are up to. Like calling her company, for example. Which lawyer you are using, etc.

She already knows I am. It's not a secret. I'm just wondering if I'm making too much of the fact that she seems so obsessed about it.

Making too much of it????

Ding Dong.

"Who is it?"

"Sorry to bother your Sir but this is Opportunity. I tried knocking but nobody answered."

Grab the yellow pages. Call 5 PI's and 10 lawyers. Let her stew on that!

I'm sure that's the foremost reason, but...

When we had the little meltdown on Saturday about her calling the guy in front of me she must have been told by her friend that that was flat out wrong. She actually apologized to me and promised not to do it again. Five minutes later she said "But you have to promise not to get any more calls at 11:30." (I was completely speechless)

I guess my direct question is this: Is she concerned only about the "plotting", or is she also a little jealous and threatened by the calls? Of course, she's the only one who could answer that, but I'm interested to hear the opinions of objective observers.

I doubt she is jealous. There may come a time when you will face that problem but my guess that, in her mind, the thought of you with another woman is a foreign concept. Part of her justification for her A is that she has convinced herself that there is no way any woman could possibly be interested in you. She has magnified every bad quality and forgotten every good one.


After the A dies, after she goes through withdrawal, then she will be susceptible to jealousy.

Right now she wants OM. You finding someone else would aid her - not hurt her. My WW wanted me to find another woman early on. That has now changed.

My guess it's the plotting that has her concerned.

She is concerned that you are interfering with her affair.

Could she have installed spyware on your computer?

Anything is possible, but I think it is unlikely. Since TSHTF she hasn't been alone with my computer. Plus I changed the pw while she was out of town. Plus, everything she knows is easily explained by her access to phone records (which I know she has and is checking).

Finally, there is nothing I'm doing and nothing I'm saying to anyone that is a secret. She could ask me and I'd tell her.

ok, good. You do know it would be a HUGE MISTAKE to bring her to this forum, don't you? What we discuss here should be a secret. FOR NOW.

Gotcha.

Let me offer another snippet of today's conversation: After a lunch out with the kids (a very happy lunch with happy kids) she had to leave on her business trip. We chatted alone by her car for a bit, and she gave me a hug and a quick kiss. A little tentative, but whatever. Then she said "I think a travelling job is a real bad idea for me."

"I'm sure you can guess how I feel about that too" I said.

Comments?

I would agree. You can see the result with you own eyes. And this will have to change if you want to recover your marriage.

Dr. Bill Harley:



Entire article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

To me, it sounds like she is afraid. But I don't think she knows exactly what she is afraid of. Things just aren't going today as she had envisioned them going last week. Life is not playing along and she isn't sure why.

My WW told me on one or to occasions a long time ago that there were times she was in OM's secret love nest and she would ask herself "what the he!! am I doing?". It never stopped the A though.

I think what you have done so far has shaken her up. I don't think you should let up. Your view of OM breaking down is, IMVHO, overly optimistic. You expect WW to view him as you would. WW's don't often cooperate like that. It is more likely she would go to his defense if he were under attack. Women. Who can figure them out?

Just found out OMW told OM to stop using company property to communicate or they would lose their jobs. I suspect WW bought herself a new cell phone today.

Gah. This is making me too sick for words.

Go to their HR department. Stop this now. Even if the A "stops", they will still be working together. NC means NC. Sooner or later someone has to either get fired or quit for your M to have a chance.

I went to my OM's boss. I got him fired. I got his visa revoked. I got his photo put up on every security gate marked as persona non-grata and if he had tried to come on the camp, he would have gone to prison. He left the country 5 days later forever with no ability to come back.

That was fairly effective. Sure they still kept in touch by secret cell phones, public call boxes but the A died a death.

I'm waiting to hear this morning if there is going to be any fallout from her job. If there isn't, I'm going to email her boss. The more I think about it the more convinced I am the two of them framed their message like this: Both of us have been having problems with our marriage and both of us decided to get divorces. A few weeks ago, when we found out we were both going through the same thing, we became friends. We are supporting each other through this ordeal. If you happen to hear from our spouses just understand they are both liars and think we are getting divorced to be together. It's not like that. We are just friends going through a bad time and leaning on each other for support.

I also have an email to all our friends cued up and ready to go. It describes the situation bluntly. Some of our friends have heard about this already from one or both of us, but it will come as a shock to the rest of them. The ones who have only heard about it from her have only heard her version, so the truth might come as a shock to them as well.

Mike, you are probably right that the story has been spun to their bosses. This is why you should write and send a FORMAL LETTER to the director of HR and cc the Div VP and their bosses. Otherwise, the boss is going to deep six your complaint because you have already been spun as a "jealous nutjob." If you do it the way we are telling you, this cannot be DISMISSED.

Send a letter TODAY certified, that will arrive tomorrow giving them the facts of the affair. Point out the inherent problems of a workplace affair, tell them they are using company resources and ask them this: "what do you intend on doing about it?"

bump up. I think 3M is encountering the roller coaster ups and downs right now. As we have learned, WS's can be pretty manipulative--trying to bargain to get to where they can feel good about things. I personally think their M is still salvagable, knowing the parties involved. But I also know how hard it can be to suck it up during the active affair. Hopefully the OM will come to his senses at the same time as WS, and they can run screaming back into their (albeit flawed) marriages and do the work that needs to be done.

Roller coaster. Wheeeee. Fun.

I'm toying with the idea of just calling her boss instead of email or certified letter. Just to give him a head's up on what will be coming (requests for travel records, phone logs, etc.) Right now all he knows is that WW and OM are "kinda sorta in the beginning stages of maybe wanting to get to know one another better". He doesn't know what's really happening.

Meanwhile, I managed to score a big win at work today, and it's reasonably likely that my work situation will change dramatically for the better in the near future. Two weeks ago I'd have been giddy with happiness. Now it's not even cold comfort.

Personally I don't think real men should ever be giddy. It's just too - I don't know - feminine.

My opinion will always be never call the boss. If boss is not against affairs, he will also go into damage control mode. Sometimes bosses can be really helpful but more often than not I've seen them circle the wagons and make your cause that much more difficult. It has happened many times here on MB.