I wrote the second paragraph specifically so her boss would know he's being lied to as well. She gave him a very different story about her relationship. As someone who has been a boss, that kind of lying is something I'd want to know about one of my employees.

I'm still thinking through this.

You audience for this email is large. It will likely get circulated. For my money, it's TMI.

Is that "Too Much Information" or "Three Mile Island"?

I'm also thinking of adding at the bottom:

If you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to contact me via email or by phone at xxxxxx.

BTW: One of the reasons I'm dragging my feet on this is that I want to be absolutely sure I'm not doing it out of spite or vindictiveness.

Another is plain old fear.

mike, TAKE OUT this line: "the two of them have decided divorce their spouses so they can be together."

Instead put in: this adulterous affair threatens to destroy 2 marriages and the lives of innocent children.

This is JUST TALK and if you put it in there, the infidels can say "we are getting divorced anyway" and the company officials can use that for cover. TAKE IT OUT. They have not "decided" anything, it is just EMPTY TALK.

In the last paragraph, add this line:

"I would like to know that your company intends to do about this and will be awaiting your reply."

This conveys an expectation that they will do something about this and respond to you.

Still haven't sent the email, but I have a plan in place.

I had to take my daughter to the doctor today. WW knew I was going and why. Daughter has been referred to a specialist and likely suffers from a chronic condition. Still no call from WW. It's like she's unconcerned.

WW has been extremely angry and short with me on the past couple of calls. I've remained upbeat and approachable. Either something is happening at work or her family has been contacting her.

I'm resisting the urge to call her right now.

Keep resisting that urge.

In other news, I was able to eat a little today. Maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight. I have a very full day of work lined up for tomorrow -- maybe that will keep me from obsessing too much.

----------

Just got a call from WW. Same old thing. After telling me about HER day and HER schedule.

Earlier today I had the chance to schedule phone counseling. I ran the idea by her and her reaction was "Why? Nothing has changed."

Regarding sending her info so she can "check it out ahead of time," I would refer her to Amazon and have her do a search for "Willard Harley." That will refer her to the MANY books that Dr. Harley has written. From there it would appear that he's a "marriage expert" and that you have arranged a phone counseling appointment with his counseling center...either his son or daughter. It's conceivable she'll Google his name and thereby get to MB...but you can also change your user name to something she wouldn't recognize. You just click on "My Home" in the yellow strip at the top of this (or any) page, and your LOG IN will still be your current name, but you can change the name that PEOPLE SEE to anything else you like (well...within reason <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />). Like...BobinToledo...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Second, regarding your proposed email to the company. I want you to bear in mind that this letter is supposed to be FACTUAL and BUSINESSLIKE--not emotional. You are informing the company of a potential legal risk...and nothing more.

Let's review:


I believe it would be more effective to write it like this:

Dear Mr. X, Manager; Ms. Y, Dir. of HR; and Mr. Z, CEO:

This letter is to inform you that my wife, WW, is engaged in unwanted sexual contact with OM, another [company] employee. The sexual contact began in [city] in April, while they were traveling at company expense. Prior to that, contact was via company email, sharing intimate, personal details on company time and eliciting flirtatious behavior that was unwanted by OW's W and me, WW's H.

WW revealed the sexual contact to me on June 9, 2007. Company resources such as company laptops, company email accounts, company cell phones, company travel, company cars and company expense accounts were used from prior to April 2007 to June 9, 2007 to facilitate the unwanted sexual contact. During that timeframe, their productivity was also diminished because they were using company time to elicit the unwanted sexual relationship. Upon finding out about the inappropriate sexual contact, both OM's W and I asked them to end the inappropriate sexual contact voluntarily and stop using company resources. They refused, and to our knowledge they are still using company resources to this day. Furthermore, we know of at least one [company] trip to [city] that was specifically used as a sexual rendezvous for them.

This letter is to inform you other has been a sexual harassment violation within [company], to register a formal sexual harassment complaint, and to inform [company] that both WW's and OM's cell phone, travel, and expense records may be requested or subpoenaed, as they will be germane to the upcoming divorce and child custody decisions. [company]'s adherence to its corporate policies regarding sexual harassment will also be scrutinized.

Now, 3M--if you look at my example versus your example, can you see how mine is more factual and based on legal risk? In my letter, you are not "tattle tailing" on your WW who is "stepping out"--you are informing them of important legal information that they have a right to know to protect themselves. In your letter, you mention how they have left their families to be together...how painful it is...how shocked you were...how they barely knew each other...how OM has a very small child...how sad you are...how you wish you could fix your family...and how that seems impossible. Those things are all TRUE, but they are not legal FACTS and are probably more appropriate for a letter to a friend--not a certified, legal letter.

So, will you look over my example and see what you think? Wanna adapt it or edit it? Go for it!!

Oh, and by the way...GOOD JOB writing the email and getting the ball rolling even if you are afraid. A hero is afraid and does it anyway, and now, you are a hero for your marriage in my book!! (thumbsup) I'M PROUD OF YOU!!

Your true and faithful friend,



CJ

Thanks CJ, but there is a problem with your version. It doesn't appear the two of them have actually travelled together since all this started. There is no proof of (and actually may not be) a sexual relationship.

They planned to be together this week, but when they told their bosses their version of what was going on the company put the kibosh on it. For the forseeable future they are stuck with phone calls and internet chats.

If I'm going to be factual in the letter I have to make sure the facts I present are verifiable.

Keep working at it. Think of those kiddies.

I feel like a whole new person. Oh wait. I am.

I'm going to edit/delete a few more posts and let this thread slide a little. If anyone has to dig more than a couple of pages they probably won't find it.

Bumping because BigK is blind as a bat!

Thanks Pio. You could have just linked me.

I'm shocked really that 3M hasn't just sent the damn email already.

3M - what do you have to lose? I don't get it.

Exposure like this will most probably end the affair. Exposure ends many affairs - some even on d-day. Yet here you are letting this meander on and letting WW form a deeper bond with OM, letting them circle the wagons and destroy your family.

You have received advice from the very best on MB and still you hesitate.

Stupid, I know, but one of the reasons I haven't sent the email is because I can't find the name and email address of anyone in HR. I'm going to try again tomorrow.

Meanwhile, WW called tonight. We talked a little -- no bad stuff. She told me that she had gone back through her records and learned that she has travelled an average of 7 days/month. Horsecrap. I told her she's probably spent an average of 7 nights/month in hotels, but that translates to 14 days travel per month, or half the time. The "lack of intimacy" she cites as a reason for wanting out is pretty much inevitable with that kind of schedule. She was listening, so I went on. That job has ruined our lives, I said. This job kept us in our house, she replied. It ruined our family, and now the house is going away anyway, so that's not entirely accurate, is it?

It's a bad movie.

Not even a bad movie. Too boring. Nothing new.

I will back you to he!! and back if you are in for the fight. But you have given up. I have sensed that for a day or two. That's okay. I did that a lot. But I got my [censored] kicked so hard in the process I still have to sit side saddle. I'm giving you the benefit of the grief. But you had better get off your duff soon or your M is all but done and dusted.

Totally agree with Pio.

Dude! Call her damn company and get their

---

email addy. Stop stalling, its the right thing to do.

You mentioned your apprehension is partially due to fear, very normal. But, don't you fear going through this h3ll for months/years to come? EXPOSE NOW!

Its easy to see the two cheaters are major freaked about losing their jobs. Use it.

Jo

It's been sent. I don't expect any fallout until tomorrow or Monday.

Meanwhile, she's coming home tonight. I'm going to do my best to stick to the plan -- especially the part about making the home a warm and inviting place. Any suggestions as to how to do that without looking like a doormat will be appreciated.

Still can't eat much. I've lost 13 lbs. in 12 days. I can sleep, though. In fact, it seems like all I want to do is sleep. The dreams are vivid and awful.

OMW is no longer an ally. She has checked out.