Good man. You did the right and courageous thing.

Now hunker down for the fallout. You can expect all sorts of angry accusations, threats and finger pointing. Let it all roll off your back, its temporary and unfounded and you know it.

Seems the IWLP (infidelity weight loss program) has taken hold. MAKE yourself eat something. Your body can't run on empty forever. At a minimum get yourself protein drinks and have at least one a day.

Jo

That happens a lot. Women are such wimps! Don't dwell on it. Don't start second guessing yourself. Do what you want to do (even if that is D).

When you wake up each day, remind yourself what your goal is.

I've said this before but I'll say it again. I too lost a lot of weight. When I picked up WW at the airport 4 weeks after Dday, I had to wrap a towel around my waste to keep my pants from falling down. True story.

When we go back to the house, I showed her how skinny I had gotten by putting on a pair of her jeans. She is US size 4 and yet I was able to get into her jeans.

Almost two years later and I'm still getting into her jeans all the time.

You CAN do this. It IS worth it.

I know it hurts. I couldn't sleep for weeks. I used to run 10K at 1:00AM. There just isn't anything to do or that you want to do. Everything that used to have meaning no longer does.

This too shall pass.

Oh, and one good thing about running at 1:00AM – even the flies are asleep!

How are you doing 3M? Can you offer an updated please?

Update:

We got along okay last night. No flare ups. WW says she's still pretty sure about her decision to leave.

It appears something has happened between her and the OM. They didn't spend all night last night on the phone or IMing. In fact, it looks they had no contact at all. It's possible the company scared them enough that they decided to stop. It's possible one or both of them decided to step back and re-evaluate their relationship.

Meanwhile, we have a counseling call set up for this afternoon. When I asked WW to fill out the little questionaire she said "You know, I never really agreed to talk to anyone." Nevertheless, she filled it out and plans to be on the call.

Last night she told me that she doesn't "believe" in counselors. She said they have messed up lives of their own and have no business giving others advice. She said "some of them" say it's almost never worth trying to work things out when one partner wants to leave.

"Who says that?" I asked.

"I talk to people..."

"Counselors?"

"...yes..."

Bzzt. After knowing her this long I can tell when she's lying. I'm sure someone told her that, but it wasn't a marriage counselor.

I assume your phone counseling session is with the Harley's, yes?

Are you eating yet?

With the Harleys, yes.

I was able to eat a little today -- a protein bar and some peanuts. It wouldn't kill me to lose 20 lbs. anyway. I'm starting to feel pretty run down, though. Adrenaline can only take me so far. I've gone from being unable to sleep to wanting to sleep all the time.

It's been six days since there has been any kind of negative interaction between us. She thinks I'm running some kind of scam on her that won't last.

I agree with everyone here...gotta watch that infidelity diet.

I lost 24lbs in two weeks. I stopped eating, had to force myself to drink water because I couldn't keep anything down at all. By the end of the second week, my family was starting to panic.

It took me nearly 2 months before I could eat more than a sandwhich in a day and keep it down. It was over a year before I regained the weight I lost.

The toll of all of this on your body is terrible. Do NOT let it continue unchecked.

Hang in there, 3M. Harley knows his stuff and will be able to assess your situation. You might want to book a separate session with him after to talk about your Plan A going forward.

You're in it for the long haul, so please do your best to start taking better care of yourself. I'm thinking the desire to sleep is from sheer stress related exhaustion. But be aware of situational depression signs which excessive sleeping is one. If that occurs you want to think about taking anti-deps for a term to get you thru the rough patches.

Jo

I'm all too familiar with depression. Not the situational kind, either. I suffered from major depression four years ago. It took almost two years for me to get help for it. My depression was the biggest factor in the marital problems we had back then.

I was on ADs for two years then decided to go off them. I started tanking, and after four months I decided to go back on. Amazingly enough, WW started her EA at the exact time I realized I needed to get back on the drugs. I didn't know this until six weeks later. Talk about coincidence.

When I went back on 'em I told the doctor I'd go another six months then try again to go off. His eyebrows went up. "So how did it work out for you this time when you went off?"

"Okay, I get your point."

Truth is there is no way I'd survive what I'm going through right now if I weren't on ADs.

I doubt it's a coincidence.

Sometimes I'm a little subtle with my sarcasm and irony.

I'm not sure that was my point.

It gets back to respect.

We're talking to the counselor shortly. I'm extremely pessimistic. She is taking too much pleasure in the chaos shes causing. She's walking around with a smug little grin on her face.

Plus, after dinner, she just walked off without lifting a finger to clean up. This isn't a restaurant. That won't be tolerated for long.

Very very typical behavior. Adultery is by definition the epitome of selfishness. She is in full TAKER mode with zero, nada, none GIVER characteristics.

Good luck with your session. Take notes and listen intently to what he has to say. The Harley's have 30+ years experience in dealing with infidelity. You have the best helping you.

Jo

3M,

If you would, please let us know how the session with Harley goes.

Jo

It wasn't with Harley himself.

It went about as I expected. WW spent 35 minutes talking alone with the counselor, then it was my turn. It all boiled down to "keep doing plan A and maybe one day she'll change her mind."

WW liked the counselor. I think she feels the counselor agrees with her that everything is my fault.

Here's what I'm wrestling with: Suppose I manage to do everything right. And suppose WW decides to give things another chance. Other than keeping my marriage together for the sake of the kids, what do I gain? I'd still have the same selfish, judgemental woman who thinks of no one but herself. Only now she'll have another weapon to use against me (infidelity).

I'm not sure it's worth it.

Counselors often have a plan. Many will side with WW to gain their confidence. Then once they reel them in, they will go for the jugular. This exact thing happened to me. Don't believe everything you see.

And call the Harley's.

Was your session with Jennifer? She is Dr. Harley's daughter.

Jennifer can help you both get a plan.

My WS didn't like talking with Steve yet he (WS) hogged up 50 out of the 70 minute call. Yea...after intro and ending, I got about 7 minutes...tops. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Continue the sessions even if it is just you.

You should NOT want the WS back. You SHOULD want your W back and that is what her job is....to get rid of the WS and bring your W back.

From your side you can identify your personal and M boundaries. Secure your finances and get ready to implement plan B. To do so, you must have a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Ready? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I'm sure that's the counselor's plan.

Yes.