I have been supporting my WH for two and a half years while he was in medical school in another country. We can't be there together because I am in the military. Last November I went to surprise him for our seventh anniversay. While I was there I found a letter in his wallet from another woman. He said a friend of his had left it in his car and that it was not his. After this I kept my suspicions but let it go.
I noticed some things were different between us and began looking for evidence. On his last visit home in May I found an email that the OW had sent him. When I confronted him about it, he said it was nothing. Later he told me it was nothing because he had never planned on leaving me for her and that it had happened there and would stay there. I guess that was supposed to make me feel better, I don't know.
I told him that he could either stay here with me or go back to her. He said he was going back to school. We have been talking to each other since he went back, but he says he doesn't know what he wants. I don't know how we can make this work if we are not together. I don't want to just give up. I am also having financial problems and need his help. Due to a military move and a poor housing market and being unable to sell our house I am going to have to pay my mortgage and rent on another house until I can get a renter or end up having to foreclose.
Has anyone else had a long distance spouse have an affair? How am I supposed to repair my marriage?

Long distances are not good for marriages. People tend to start living seperate lives.

Is your husband from a country where the men think relationships outside of marriage are normal?

Yes, it is a hispanic country. But I never thought he would do this because he had seen firsthand how his father's cheating had ruined his marriage. Guess I was wrong.

Affairs are very common when spouses live apart like this. I don't know how to repair such a situation unless that problem is resolved.

Hi Trisha,

I want to say that it is possible to have a long distance marriage, but it is very very hard. Because of work my H and I have lived apart for 9 months of the year for the past 3 years. It has been extremely hard. The fact that I'm here means our M is nowhere near perfect.

Has he agreed to no more contact with the OW? Is he willing to take steps to restore your trust - give you access to all his phone records and email, for example? Or is he trying to minimize it?

It sounds like he's minimizing it - it was nothing because he didn't plan on leaving you; what happens in *** stays in ***; etc. And the fact that it's more accepted in the culture he grew up in doesn't help.

What do you guys do to maintain a connection with each other? For example: one thing H and I do is make sure we at least say goodnight every night, even if it is just a 60-second phone call, even if we have to define "every night" loosely if we are in drastically different time zones or opposite shifts. (This also helps us know what the other is doing every night.)

Do you spend time chatting online with each other, or emails, or with computer video cameras?

How often do you guys get to see each other in person? The more time you spend together, the easier it will be to use the principles here.

Is he willing to try to make things work in the marriage? Would he consider marriage counseling? We've actually done marriage counseling via conference call. The counselor was in one state, I was in another, and H was in another country.

It is hard to use the principles here long distance, but I think it might be possible. Is he willing to try? Are you willing to try to save a marriage that is long distance with someone who has already had one affair? Long distance relationships can be heartbreakingly lonely, I know. Are you sure it's worth it? (I'm not trying to talk you out of it. It was worth it for me. That is something you must ask yourself, though.)

If you want to work on saving the marriage, you must somehow find a way to restore that loving feeling between you two. That's going to be difficult long distance. I don't suppose you guys fell in love long distance, did you? If you did, then it might be easier to restore love.

I'm here to say it isn't impossible.

Trisha, one of the most important requirements of having an intimate marriage is spending 15 hours per week TOGETHER, meeting each others needs. If that can't be done, this is probably hopeless. Living apart prevents intimacy and is just an invitation to adultery. That needs to change if your marriage is going to recover. Instant messages, phone calls and emails will never be a replacement for a real, intimate marriage. Living together is the most basic requirement of a good marriage. You can see where living apart got you. If living apart caused the conditions that led to the affair, then those conditions should be CHANGED if you want the outcome to change.

If you are going to get in counseling, I would forgo marriage counseling, which is useless when one member is in an affair, and call Steve Harley. He is a marriage COACH who can assess your sitution and give you guidance out of this mess. He is good at what he does, and won't waste a minute of your time.

Dr.Bill Harley:

Entire article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Well excuse me for trying to offer some hope based on my own personal experience, not theory.

I guess everyone in the military or otherwise called away due to work should just save time and start divorce proceedings immediately.

All it takes is one counter-example to prove "It never works" wrong.

Jayne, Dr. Harley does have a little experience at this [35 years] and is a trained psychologist.

All it takes is one counter-example...

I am not disagreeing with the wisdom of the principles presented here. That is why I am here, to try applying them to my own marriage (which, by the way, is getting better, not getting dissolved, thank you very much). But everyone's sitch is different. IMO "never" and "always" statements are sometimes wrong.

But never mind. Sure, just give up. Everyone called away to active duty should just get divorced.

Sign me, Just a Fool in Love.

Jayne, so if I know of a person who plays Russian Roulette and lives, does that mean RR is a smart, healthy thing to do?? Should we therefore advocate RR because we know one person who survived? I don't think thats a smart idea.

And for the record, people in active duty are experiencing EPIDEMIC RATES of adultery and divorce. I don't think I would want to use them as a shining example.

The facts are clear here, living apart has caused great harm to her marriage. Continuing to do the same is unlikely to change that outcome. Telling her there is "hope" for this demonstrated failed plan is not wise, IMO.

p.s. I don't want her to give up hope, but I want her to know that hope lies in changing the circumstances that led to the affair in the first place. There is not hope if she continues to do the same thing. She has already seen and experienced the proof of that.

I am not saying to play RR. I am just saying, if circumstances are playing RR with her life, she doesn't have to just lay down and die.

Yes being apart hurts the M. Nothing I said *advocates* living apart.

I said: I did not mean to imply living apart was a good thing. I'm sorry if it was read that way.

Here I think I am in agreement with you, just differing on the level of hopelesssness.


Here, my intention is to let her know it will be difficult, not to imply guaranteed success ("TRY to save the M"), suggest that she look at things realistically, and if she still wants advice on trying to save the M, I was going to be happy to offer my opinion, as someone coming through a LD M.

One thing I didn't say, which perhaps I should, is that we are trying to not be LD anymore, if we can work out the job situation, and perhaps even if we can't. It is worth it to us to save the M by foregoing one of our careers. That is something she should also consider. But with her in the military, I'm not sure she has a choice right now to change her status, and he isn't willing. She asked him to stay there with her instead of going back to school; he chose to go back to school.

I know military Ms have high D rates. So do Ms in my and H's careers. I refuse to accept that means everyone in my career must get a D. That is why I am here.

He chose to go back to school, so at least for now they are LD.

Trisha, I apologize for speaking about you as if you are not "here". Yes, the LD aspect makes saving the M difficult, some would say impossible. I have anecdotal evidence of surviving LD. But anecdotal evidence is usually not accepted as real evidence. AND, we just barely survived the LD time and things are only improving when we are together. That's why I was asking how often you are together, and if you still want to work on saving the M.

In any event, Trisha, the principles here are usually excellent for self-growth. IMHO. What you learn here will help you, if not in this M then in the next.

Well, that has to be more than a consideration, that is what it will take to recover the marriage. Dr. Harley would tell her and her H that one of them needs to quit so they can move in together. The marriage has to come before the job in order for the marriage to recover. So, it is much more than a minor consideration, it is the KEY to recovery.


But you are giving her hope where none exists. She should not lay down and die, instead she should make necessary changes IF she wants to save her marriage. Telling her that living apart is hopeful is not helpful. It is not hopeful, it has led her to this dreadful place.

He had said that he would have no more contact with her, but I pretty much know that he is still seeing her. I think he wants the marriage to continue but he will not say it. He wants to just sit on the fence. Whenever I say anything about it he tells me he has to get off the phone. He just tries to shut me out.
To maintain a connection we mainly talk on the phone and he comes home for 2-3 weeks every four months during his vacation.
When I talk about whether or not he wants this marriage to work, he just says that he doesn't know. Everything is he doesn't know. He more than likely wouldn't do marriage counseling either.
I want to get out of the military so we can be together and make this work and he says that getting out isn't a good idea. He says what if I get out and we still end up getting a divorce. I tell him that is fine because I will know I did everything I could to make our marriage work.
We had been talking pretty regular lately, but this weekend he went out of town to a "friend's house." When I talked to him last night I asked him whether or not he had been with the OW. He said why do you want to know. I told him I was not trying to start a fight I just needed to know because not knowing was worse than if I knew the truth. He would not tell me and tried to get off the phone. I changed the subject in order to keep him on the phone. He uses that as a way to bully me into not talking about it. Also, when we have a conversation like this he will not say I love you when we hang up when usually he will. I know now that is just his way of trying to torture me.
I can't compete with the OW since she is there close to him and I am not. I love him so very much and he was a wonderful husband until this. I don't want to lose him, but unless he makes some kind of effort this will be my future.
If only he would take a year off and we could be together.

First, getting out of the military and moving to where your husband is, is DEFINATELY the way to go...Him telling you not to is just a way for him to continue his affair and cake eat...You are RIGHT about that...

What do you know about the OW? Is she married? This affair needs to be EXPOSED...Meaning you need to tell his family, friends and any others that have influence over him, as well as exposing on the OW's side of the fence...Exposure is the most powerful weapon in a BS's arsenal...Affairs thrive in the dark...in secrecy...BRING THE LIGHT...Will you do this?

Mrs. W

I have tried. As soon as He left, I called his mother, father, sisters, friends and the OW. They are not much help. They don't like what is going on, but feel that he is a grown man and makes his own descions. His Father is the on;y one who has even talked to him about it. And I feel that his friends are just enablers. I would be there right now if I could sell our house. I don't want to foreclose and ruin our credit, but at the same time I don't want to stay here and lose our marriage.

I am trying to start plan A. I just had a few questions. Since we are geographically seperated and he can't actually see me or the changes I am making, what should I do? Also, if he doesn't call me, should I continue to call or email him? I am so afraid that I will do something to push him further away.
Right now he isn't saying ILY on the phone because I asked about the OW Monday night. Before that he was. I think that is his little punishment for me. Maybe it will pass. It did before. He also said that he would not do the phone counseling. No surprise there. Doesn't he know that he is killing me?

trisha...

Do you know who the OW is and if she is married? Look on her side of the fence for exposure targets...Exposure is part of Plan A...

Mrs. W

I know who she is and how they met. She is single. When I first found out I IM'ed her and called one of her friends. But now I was thinking that since I have more info, her numbers and all of my WH friends numbers (I kept his cell phone when he left) I would call them and tell them, and also tell more of my WH family. I am afraid that this will only push him farther away from me though.
Should I go ahead and fully expose now and see what happens? I will need his sister's help if she is still willing, my spanish is too weak. But I feel that if I do this, maybe his little A will lose a little bit of the fantasy. It is so difficult for me because we are seperated like this. He does not have to face me on a day to day basis. And if he chooses not to call me or answer my calls, I have no influence on him at all.

If you are supporting him in school, you have some recourse. I might think about cutting off his funds.