You are right that the infidelity portion of the MB weekend is but a small part of it, but man oh man is Dr. Harley ever serious when he delivers that message...He presents it with the gravity that it deserves...

The MAIN focus of the MB Weekend is how to have a Marriage Builders Marriage...An Affair Proof Marriage...When you do that, it makes infidelity IMPOSSIBLE...There is no time or desire and EVERYTHING is shared openly and honestly...

So lifeschoice, you may have been "far gone", but IF you'd gone to the weekend at that point that would have been an EFFORT towards your marriage and your attention and focus would have shifted I think...


I agree with Pep here, it depends on when the video was shown to us...For me, if it was after the initial contact with OM was made then, NO, because I like all other WSs before me would have thought myself UNIQUE and believed this was "fate"...

Mr. W and I were so withdrawn from each other at the time of my affair that ANYTHING that could have shifted the focus back to us and our marriage and made us TALK to each other may certainly have worked before the OM contact...Like yours, our lovebanks were both in the red...


I would have agreed with you here, BUT someone gave Mr. W and I a gift certificate to the "Family Life Marriage Conference" as a wedding gift...We attended in our second year of marriage right after we found out that we were pregnant...At the time, everything was "coming up roses" in our marriage, and most of what was said went in one ear and out the other almost immediately-it didn't apply to us, yanno? We were still very googly eyed and pie in the sky over each other at the time...So young, so immortal we thought...Tragedy would NEVER touch us...RIIIIIGHT...After the affair we went back to our Family Life materials and saw that we were TAUGHT so much of the EN type stuff...WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, only we DIDN'T...

What I think would be beneficial is if like the pharmaceutical companies, MB would/could ADVERTISE places other than just online...I think that adultery should be thrust into the mainstream and not treated as taboo when it DOES affect 60% of marriages according to Dr. Harley...Put it out there like condom, herpes, genital warts and dating service ads are...Education is key when it actually becomes an issue for people...I'd like to see infidelity treated as the epidemic that it is...

Mrs. W

I agree, but to go a step beyond someone else doing the educating, I'm seeing this as another parental responsibility. If those of us who are parents educate our own children perhaps there would be some noticable changes.

My father left my mother for his OW after 3 of the 4 of us were grown. The situation was never discussed in our family. When I, myself, was facing an A, what my dad did meant nothing.

Educating my children is MY responsibility, but that creates a bit of a dilemma because only one of our children know about the A. Our now 17 y/o found our copy of "After the Affair" last year and asked me about it. I was up front and honest with her, she knew my FOM. My H and I discussed telling our other children ages 20 and 11, but he said he didn't want them to know, in his opinion it was too far past the A to bring it up. I talked to the daughter who knows and also asked her opinion on being the only one with knowledge of the A. IMO, it's unfair to her, but she also said not to tell the other 2.

So here we are almost 4 years since my A and almost 2 1/2 years since d-day. Our 17 and 11 year olds see the changes in our relationship. The oldest has been away at college for the good years, but lived the bad years of us not getting along. She is the one I am most worried about in regard to the relationship we modeled for her. We didn't ever fight, but the power struggles and tension were very visible. I know the girls see a huge difference in our relationship now vs then.

I remember when I first came here and saw it was suggested to tell the children. I thought that was crazy, why involve the children. I get it now and agree completely.

If my H and I handle infidelity the way my parents did, then our children will know nothing about it and it's effects.

All this leads me to 2 more questions. Is it "too late" to tell the girls about the A in order to educate them? Is it just as effective to talk about infidelity with them w/o disclosing the A?

I agree with you lifeschoice...Our DD was 5 at the time of my affair, she does not know about it, but she will when she is older BECAUSE I think she will be able to gleen much from it...In answer to your question, no I don't think it's too late to tell your children...They will see a recovered marriage and two parents that believe that marriage is for LIFE...

Mr. W and I were discussing cheating in the dating scene the other day...Both of us routinely "cheated" WAY back when...Jr. High, High School and College...Our parents never addressed this with us...It was just part of the dating world as we saw it...That is not how we are raising our DD...She is only 7.5 now (can't forget that all important .5 yanno-lol) and we are already teaching her these lessons...Last school year she liked a boy that a friend of hers liked...The friend and the boy were boyfriend and girlfriend-hahaha-These are FIRST GRADERS we are talking about-SHEESH...Anyway, we told our DD that that boy was OFF LIMITS and explained why...We will continue to present this lesson over and over anytime that it comes up and pray that it sticks...We think that it is of great importance...

Mrs. W

I don't believe it is too late at all.

I don't believe an education without your example would be as effective.

I pre-ordered this DVD months ago - I wonder when it will be released.

Dr Harley's basic concepts DVD is great too folks.

I just watched this video for the first time. Man-o-man, what a powerful message. I couldn't help think that if we had only known about MB... even our recovery could have been handled differently. We definitely took the hard way back. This should be a permanent link for those new into recovery.

this is a gem

I got an email saying it's shipped a few days ago

Yes, I do think the video would have helped me to not cross boundaries into EA and to stop contact with OM much sooner. After D-day (when my H discovered OM’s inappropriate and flirtatious e-mails to me) I still tried to stay friends with OM by keeping the friendship on appropriate level and keep up boundaries I did not had before D-day e.g. no subtle flirting & jokes on e-mail, no visits to his office to “chat” now and then etc. I’ve also reduced the frequency of our e-mail chats and therefore disillusioned myself by thinking it was okay to stay friends with OM as long as I kept up those boundaries and conditions. It was only after I’ve discovered this website and read articles about emotional infidelity etc. that I’ve realized the importance of NC and that there was NO WAY I could still be friends with OM…that there was no turning back. This website contributed in a huge way to help clear my fog and therefore I know that video clip would have done the same for me. Actually, I wish I had discovered this website much sooner back then (before I became infatuated with OM and the friendship crossed boundaries into EA) because that would have probably made me more cautious & careful and prevented me from crossing those boundaries in the first place.

A while ago I asked my H to watch the video clip and the only part of the clip he did not totally agree with is the part where Dr Harley said that attractions to the opposite sex must always be communicated with the spouse. My H said although he believes in total honesty and openness in a M, he thinks confession of an attraction depends on the circumstances, the maturity level and emotional and mental “state” of the spouse one needs to confess to. He used an example and said if one is able to immediately break off all contact with the person one feels attracted to as soon as one becomes aware of such an attraction (and before anything inappropriate has taken place), it will serve no purpose in his opinion to unnecessarily hurt the other spouse by informing him/her about an attraction where nothing inappropriately have taken place yet. He said in his opinion this specifically applies to cases where a spouse is by nature skeptical, mistrusting and easily offended and hurt (amongst other things like low self-esteem, lack of self confidence etc.) and where such a person will therefore not make the spouse feel safe to make such a confession. Any thoughts on this?

I have some thoughts - it's a crock. It's dangerous for the marriage.

Is there any chance Suzet that he doesn't want to tell you about something?

I don't think so BigK... During our conversation I did ask my H though if he ever had such an attraction towards someone else during our M and he said no. I then ask him if he will ever share with me if he ever experience such an attraction towards someone else and he then said although he can’t imagine that he will ever feel that way towards anyone else than me, he will hesitate to share such an attraction with me if it ever happens to him because he know I will feel very hurt and upset by such a confession and doubt his love for me. I can understand why my H feels this way…and I can understand why my H will not feel safe to share something like that with me… I still have many issues in myself and my behavior towards my H I need to work on (I have a thread about these issues on the In Recovery board – you can read about it there if you’re interested).

Anyway, I have communicated with my H long ago that my worst fear is that he will one day experience what I did e.g. a strong attraction and infatuation towards someone else. My H is one of those people that thinks that because he loves me and because I’m so important to him, that he will never feel attracted to someone else besides me and that he can’t imagine ever being unfaithful to me. My H understands why Dr Harley says we are all wired for an A and he doesn’t deny it, but he still thinks he will never have an A and is incapable of experiencing an inappropriate attraction towards someone else as long as he is committed and faithful to me and as long I’m the first priority in his life. But I am worried about the fact though that my H will probably not share an attraction to me should it ever happen to him... And I'm concerned about the fact that he thinks he will never have an A.

That would concern me too. Pride goes before a fall. Just recognising you are human and vulnerable helps you erect boundaries that keep you safe.

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hello

This is great! Its so true Infidelity is at epidemic proportions but nothing is being done about it except by the people trying to make it through it. Sure wish more was done about this. I agree!