Hi all, I've been posting on this site for a while now, but in the PLAN A/PLAN B discussion. Someone there suggested I post in here and inquire about plan B because I am strongly considering a divorce. I did plan A and it lasted a couple weeks and then WW got very cold and nasty and said some things that made me lose it and threaten divorce, and now I think I better follow through with it. But I wanted to come here first and see if anyone has any advice as to why plan B may be the right move instead of the D. For some background on my situation, check this link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

Thanks

J-

I was on the other board too, and came over here at their recommendation. You got very good advice over there.

My dday was Christmas 06, and my WH said that he wanted to stay in our M so I went into Plan A (didn't know about this site back then, it was just something that I instinctively did).

Anyway, I recently found out after 5.5 mos that the A never ended, so I'm ready for Plan B. I had a few outbursts in A, but overall did a pretty good job and actually see a few glimmers of hope. I found this site about 6 weeks ago, ordered the books and educated myself.

After 5.5 mos, I'm ready for Plan B. My point is, give it enough time to work. I did so without really knowing what I was doing, only because I thought the A had really ended. Silly me... If you give it more time, you'll feel better about either Plan B or D. I'm glad that I gave it time, because now I know that I did all that I could and my WH sees without a doubt that I want the marriage to work and that I can change. After one month, he wouldn't have seen that because it just wasn't enough time. DO NOT follow through with a D just because you said you would. That's really dumb in my opinion.

Why the rush with D anyway?????

wow Pep & Bob have been working with you. That's great. You have a couple of really good MB supporters.

Can't say much more than them but read SAA, HNHN (Harley) and love must be tough (Dobson). You've got t/b informed of HOW a WS acts so you c/b prepared.

Howz your finances? Any chance this is a $$ related A? OM c/b a gold digger, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Knitgirl,
My 'should have been' DDay was very close to yours, it was Dec. 29th of 06. That is the first time I caught her lying to me about where she had been. She did a good job of lying out of it and I dropped it until my real DDay, which was March 18 of 07, so this has been going on for 3 months. I think 5.5 would kill me. I actually did exactly what you did, started doing plan A without knowing what I was doing, then found this site about a month ago and educated myself and started a very good plan a and it seemed to be working until Saturday night when she came home from her nightly love fest and told me that she does not love me, that she has never loved me because she now knows what love is, with OM, and that she wants the D. I called my attorney yesterday, he has the papers ready. I do not think there is any possibility of plan A working with her. Her arrogance is unreal. The reason I would want to rush the D is because she is blatantly flaunting her A and she is cruel and disrespectful to me. Also, she is so much 'in love' that she cares about nothing else, told me I can have the house and property(which I want), so it may make sense to do it before she changes her mind about the latter.

Orchid, I don't think it is related to finances. We have a new home on a bunch of acreage and have everything we need, but we are not wealthy. The OM is not wealthy either and has another issue, a wife. No, it is true love that is at stake here, just ask my WW, she would love to tell you all about how truly wondrous it is to be so in love with a married co-worker. She has never felt like this before, you should see her starry eyed gaze(it will make you sick)

The constant factor here is the selfish mode. That in itself c/b deadly to the M and home.

Many an A start out with the euphoria of love but end up robbing the family blind of all it's assets (including $$). Don't be surprised if they are cooking up a way to strip you and your family of all that belongs to you.

L.

Do it sooner than later. File for a fault divorce if possible in your state claiming adultery and naming OM. Expose to OMW ASAP and other if you haven't already done so. Let her go and let's see if OM thinks she is attractive as a single woman as she is as a married woman. I bet not and bet he may not even leave his BW in the end.

hopeandpray,
My state is stictly a 'no fault' state. So the adultery won't help me with the D. May not matter though as she is so deep in the fog that she does not care about our home, says she is looking for a place. I told her please hurry, can I do anything to help. So I should maybe be nice to her and not get her and OM fired from their jobs until after she signs over the property to me in the D settlement. My attorney also advised me not to do that because without a job she is going to need more child support money and I also have to think of my 17 yr. old daughter who wants to live with mom. Now calling the OM wife, I did call him and I called her too, but when I called her, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. She has been through this before as OM is a known womanizer and has had many affairs in the past. He will NOT leave his wife for my WW. Why would he?, he's getting what he wants for free. I think she believes that he will, but reality is not a concept she can grasp at this time.

In my state you can have an agreement drawn up (just like a business agreement) about the house and property, without getting a divorce. See an attorney in your state. I would act quickly before she changes her mind. My WH said I could have everything, but when the papers were drawn up, he refused to sign them.

Dude,

"" but when I called her, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. ""

YOU HAVE TO EXPOSE TO THIS SCUMBAG'S WIFE!!

This is going to be the KEY to dismantleing the A. Once the OM gives your WW the cold shoulder things will change in a hurry.

Concentrate on this one thing.

"" He will NOT leave his wife for my WW. Why would he?, he's getting what he wants for free. I think she believes that he will, ""

Yeah, AND??? SO EXPOSE TO HER!!!

Don't make us call Melodylane over here!

kirk

J,

I agree with you. I've learned from others on this site that it is critical to protect your finances. I'm doing the same thing as you are due to cc debt being run up to support the A.

Is your daughter aware that her mom has a boyfriend?

Gimble

Gimble,

Not sure. I'm sure she suspects it and I told her once that her mom is having an affair. I think my wife lies to her and tells her that when she is gone all the time that she is just out with 'friends'.

I think my daughter believes most of what my WW says. Teens are very impressionable and my WW spends an inordinate amount of time trying to impress my daughter and her friends, she tries to talk like them, dress like them, and act like them. Actually when she is around my daughter and her best friend, any adult casual observer would quickly note that my wife seems to be the most immature of the 3.

It is sad that my wife is setting such a poor example for my daughter of how an adult should behave, but there is really not much I can do. Eventually my daughter will realize this as she is a very bright girl, a straight A honors student and very ambitious with plans to attend the premed program here at the college where I currently work. She will figure it out.

It is also disturbing that my wife is in total denial that this situation is troubling to my daughter. Saturday night my wife went to her brothers house and called me to inform me that she wasn't coming home. She does this now every Saturday night because her brother is at work and she parks her vehicle there so she can meet OM and then sleep at her brothers house when she gets back. Her brother is clueless as to what she is actually doing. She tells him that we are having some issues and she just needs to be alone sometimes to think. Anyways, that evening I went outside to enjoy the nice evening and I spotted my daughter walking on the east side of our property and went to join her. She had been crying and would not talk about it. About 9pm my wife came home. I ask her why did she come home and she said 'our daughter called me and was upset'. I said 'what do you expect?. She then said it had nothing to do with her being gone, that she was upset with her boyfriend. That was not true because her boyfriend was at our house at the time working on his bike and they were not fighting. No matter, my wife constantly invents her own reality to suit herself and justify her behavior.

At times she gets totally out of line in regards to our daughter. Last week I caught her trying to convince my daughter that they should both go get tattoos. I overheard this conversation and immediately informed my wife that my daughter was NOT getting a tattoo. My wife then said 'fine, but I'm getting one on my butt that says I hate you'. Is it just me, or is this some pretty disgusting behavior for a 46 year old woman?

J,

I see two paths before you (the third one which is to sit around, be hurt and do nothing to protect yourself is not an option!).

1. If WW wants out that bad then have her sign over "everything" (well almost everything) to you. Agree to pay child support for 17 yo., you as primary domciliary parent, joint legal custody, half of college expenses for daughter, you keep the marital home, etc.

Something tells me that when you show her this in writing she will react like believer's ex WH did and not be so agreeable anymore, but you can try.

2. Fight for your marriage and to get your WIFE, not the WW staring you in the face, having an affair, searching out tatoo parlors, acting like a teenager in heat, lying, etc....person, back. To have any chance of doing this you must put pressure on the affair. The best means of doing this is to EXPOSE, EXPOSE. Expose to OMW (she deserves to know that this serial cheating POS is doing this again), Expose to workplace (there is another thread on here right now that has a good example of a letter to HR department), expose to her family, your family, influential friends.

Don't broadcast it, or threaten it, just do it!

no one can tell you what to do as far as should you divorce or not. even the video by Dr. Harley... there is a link from ML on this forum, states that when someone comes to him and says they want a divorce that he is very supportive of that. IMHO, if you do not know what you want, take some time to figure it out and if you want to stay married, we can help you work through the details of that. There are some things that WS's do that could and do make them bad risks for continuing in a marriage. You need to ask yourself if the person you are with is worth all the heartache and pain that you will go through in recovery...sometimes the answer if yes, sometimes no.
Don't bother using any of the aspects of this plan, exposure...plans a & b until you know you want to stay and fight. If not... get a bull dog attorney and get all you can in the divorce.

I can tell you based on your story that IF it were me, I would send your ww packing today. Bye, bye....
But that is just my opinion.

hopeandpray,

1. We talked briefly and started agreeing on the following:

I get:

the home and property, my tools, the tractor, my computer(I use it for work)

She gets:

The newer vehicle, primary custody of our daughter and child support. I will be able to provide all of college expenses as we have a tuition reimbursement program here at the college where I work and where she wants to attend. If that goes awry for whatever reason, we split those cost 50/50 based on income.

Everything else, we divide up as we see fit. I agreed to be generous as I am getting the house, so as long as she doesn't try to get too greedy there will be no problems.

Do I trust her? ****** NO!

Here is what I am debating on at the moment. I hire a PI and get some pictures or other hard proof of her and her MOM and co-worker and use it as persuasion to prevent her from changing her mind.

Or in case of scenario 2:

I use the hard evidence from PI to use as undeniable evidence for exposure to OMW, her family, and employer, that her and scumbag OM cannot lie out of.


What do you think?

I am a full time custodial dad so I speak from experience... DO NOT give your ww custody of your child. It sounds like your child is a teen...so she should be able to choose where she wants to live.

sorry, I just saw that your daughter is 17 and frankly she should have everything about this affair exposed to her if you have not already done so. She is old enough to know the truth about her mom. custody is not such a big deal at her age since it will be a short term issue. Frankly, she will be just about 18 before any divorce would be final anyway.

Listen to MEDC. He has some good advice.

Personally, I would do both, get hard evidence of the affair (the uglier the better) and EXPOSE. You never know, you may shake her out of her fog long enough to work on your M again.

MEDC,

My daughter has chosen to live with mom. The custody is a big deal in my state though because child support continues to the age of 21 unless she moves out on her own or marries. God forbid the latter.

hopeandpray,

It will take a major earth shaking event to shake her out of it now, she is in deep, convinced she is 'in love', but I am going to try.