OK, a new plan deserves a new thread.

I sorta got attached to my old thread title, so I incorporated it in this new one. God willing, my next thread title will just be "Finally Rebirthing My Marriage."

With that, I give you the first draft of my PBL.


My Dearest B,

What I am writing to you now is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

I love you with all my heart despite everything that has happened before and during our marriage. To this day I remain emotionally and physically attracted to you. I still believe that God has a plan for us, that he gave us DS6 and DD3 for reason, and that He expects us to fulfill that. You are my first love, my only love. However every time I see you or talk to you I feel the tremendous pain from the wound that has been inflicted in me. I want so much for things to be different, and I want so much more than you are willing to give me right now.

I accept my responsibility in creating an environment that helped make your affairs possible. I never fully understood or embraced how to meet your most important emotional needs. Even though I went to counseling both alone and together with you I was often not there for the right reasons and so I never allowed myself grow and change as I should have. I have already apologized to you for this and I desperately hope that one day you will forgive me and allow us to create a new future together.

During these last 8 months I have learned so much about myself and about what I need to do to make our marriage better. I still have more steps to take, but I have attempted to demonstrate to you what I have learned in the limited time we have had together. Most importantly, I have learned that there is no one and nothing as important to me as you are. I hope that you have seen these changes in me and that you will see the ones yet to come.

Whatever problems we had I am confident that we can overcome them together and take the necessary steps to create a new loving marriage in which we are both fulfilled. I have a vision for our marriage that I have not had before and I often dream of what that will be like. I want to hold on to all the memories we have made, both good and bad, and begin to make new and better ones.

I have tried so hard in this extremely difficult time of physical and emotional separation from you to maintain some kind of connection with you and I thank you for the few times you let me in. However I can no longer endure the excruciating pain that I am faced with daily. Knowing that you have continued to give yourself to someone else absolutely shreds my heart; yet I still have hope that one day we can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me, and I want you as my best friend.

So I’m asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still have love left for you and will want to try again. The only way I can do this is to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. I say this with tears in my eyes because this is not what I want, but knowing that you would rather be with someone else everyday is destroying the love I have for you.

Please do not call me, send e-mails, or leave voice messages unless you have separated from OM, will agree to NC for life and have decided that you want to work on building a new relationship with me.

If you should need to reach me in case of an emergency, you can send an e-mail to our friends XXXX at XXXXX and they will get a message to me.

<The piece about the kids will go here>

I want you in my life more than anything, but I want all of you to myself alone. Sharing you is just too painful and is not an option.

I know the narrow path that we must walk in order to rebuild our marriage and I hope that you will decide to walk it with me.

WOW, I'm really impressed...I don't really see anything from my POV...

The ony thing that I thougth about was admitting your mistake with your approach to MC the first go around...i think that would hit her hard...to say:

I was wrong, I was there for all the wrong reasons, and I failed you then, that was my mistake!

Not those words of course, b/c that's me...but being a woman, "I" would want to hear that...

Perhaps, someone else thinks differently...just a thougth...not sure if that even belongs in your PBL...

You're doing wonderful! YOU are going to be just fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

good point and I know exactly where that belongs.

i will update it accordingly.

My gosh that really was hard to write but almost feels like a burden being lifted.

Eph,

JMHO, don't make your letter show your actions dependent on her actions. Let her know that at this time, you need to move forward for the sake of yourself and your family. I wouldn't even say you will love her....I would rephrase it that you 'may love her'.

Why? Because she needs to see you leaving her as a WS. Let her know you love your W but NOT the WS. Some may disagree with differentiating between the 2, but I see it as a valuable tool to use.

After several false recoveries, when I pulled out plan B it came with higher stakes. Each time he failed, the stakes for his return went UP not down.

I even told my then WS that HE as a WS had taught US (his family) HOW to live WITHOUT him. If he wanted back he had to show convincing evidence he was worth taking back that if he was going to make it too difficult to do so, then he must be willing to LOSE his family.

I was no longer willing to be his pawn for the excuse to have an A.

JMHO,
L.

Hi Eph:

I think it is lovely, I really do. However, I'm not a good one for critiquing the content of PBLs. I had about a dozen editors on mine, polishing it up, making me think about other things to include. I really liked the results.

A few things that I included on the advice of others: something about what it is/was about WH that I loved...what drew me to him in the first place. The whole first third of my PBL was "I love you because...." I did everything, from things he did for me and the boys, to the things that he did for others, to the way he "saw" things around him...

mimi kept telling me it was supposed to be a love letter. For you, I think that's doubly important, women LOVE love letters. (well, I would, if I had ever gotten one...)

The other part was the "I want you--not some other man, to...." fill in the blank. I did stuff like "hold my hand while our children get married." Another laundry list.

This type of thing may be particularly important if you are including an entire section about the kids. This letter needs to be about YOU and HER...your relationship, your marriage, your history, your future. The kids will always be her kids (crappy mom or not). Why should she be with YOU? Make sense?

I also had this, but it may be too harsh:
"I cannot and will not share you. I cannot and will never be your “friend.” I can only be your wife, in every sense of the word, in the way that I promised to you and to God. That is the only type of relationship that I can accept.

Because our current relationship does not meet that standard, I must end all contact with you. Out of respect for my position and my need to protect myself, please do not call, send e-mails, or leave messages."

Because she's a WOMAN (duh), I'd try to get a little more sentimental. But you know her best. And you are a guy, and I am very wordy, as you know. Kind of a gut spiller.

Part of what I wrote was for ME, too....these were things that I HAD to say, knowing that it would potentially be the very last loving kind of communication that I would ever have with him...ever...for the rest of my life.

And it was almost four months ago.

Okay, now I'm really sad.

Sorry...

...oh, and another thing...Neak's suggestion.

Not "if you decide to come back," but "when you decide to come back."

Hi Orchid and LilSis,

Thanks for your comments. I was trying to avoid the "It's too long" comments, thus I tried to keep it short and maybe that made it somewhat less emotional than it could/should be.

I think I can work in some of the things you both mention and still keep it at a reasonable length.

Stay tuned.

Yeah, I dealt with the whole "it's too long" thing, too.

You do what's right for YOU, and YOUR wife. What does your voice say, what's your Truth? That's what you should say. Can't go wrong there.

Eph,

I wanted to point something out to you. What you wrote for your very first draft of a PBL was OUTSTANDING!! It doesn't need to be completely re-written or entirely lengthened...but both Orchid and LilSis make very valid suggestions. It SHOULD be to the point, yet sometimes, for a FEELER female type of person, a loving, sentimental walk down memory lane is very effective--and so it a loving, sentimental walk down your dreams for the future.

You know yourself and your W the best. Is she more likely to respond to a list of the things you love about her and the good memories you shared? Or is she more likely to respond to a letter that is a bit shorter and to the point? Is she a factual type or an emotional, feely type? Write YOUR Plan B letter to fit HER, not to fit one of us. Okay??

Otherwise, I believe my comment on it is going to be "excellent job!!!" I personally was amazed at how clearly and succinctly who wrote and how you kept it to the suggested letter in SAA. VERY, VERY GOOD!!

Mama Bee,



CJ

P.S. Are you working on getting some of your other ducks in a row? I assume your intermediary is lined up...how about separating finances and getting bills into your own name...that kind of thing?

Well my W is the emotional feely type.

Not sure what this alien WW is, except, well, she's alien <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I followed one of the letters in Pep's thread in JFO here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1

I'll expand it tonight when I get home.

Yes, other "ducks" are lining up. I already had all the bills in my name and our finance are already separated - I just need to get her name off the joint account and get the ATM card back (we left this in place since the first court date).

Eph, I liked the Plan B letter that you composed. I think it is very concise and some emotional references are good. GREAT!

Eph,

I think it is a great letter, too!

The suggestions are good, but as it's been said, you know your WS the best.

Go with what your heart tells you

Not that I am pushing, but what is your plan for giving her the letter and starting your Plan B?

I know you have worked so vey hard at doing your Great Plan A,,, and done a mah-ve-lous job! I know you are tired and getting pretty frustrated.

{Eph}

LookLike you did an awesome job right out of the box!

Good for you!

Hi everyone.

Thanks for all the comments so far. I am still working on version 2, should have it up tonight I hope.

With no kids this weekend I slept till noon then went out to do yard work (or yard pleasure). Now I am off for some "Me" time - may just go catch a movie or something.

Feeling pretty good today actually <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have long disagreed with the composition of Plan B letters as advised on MB. It is always seeded with thoughts of love, expectation, reformation, history and promises of unbelievable perfection.

My Plan B letter as stated numerous times before:

" WW, I love you. I will not share you. When you feel the same , call me. Until that time all communication will go through XXXXX."

If your WW does not know EVERYTHING that you have written in your above letter, you should not be going into a Plan B.

Best of luck.

OK draft #2. I think I have the right amount of emotional/feely type references that will register with her without being overly sappy.

My Dearest B,

What I am writing to you now is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

I love you with all my heart despite everything that has happened before and during our marriage. To this day I remain emotionally and physically attracted to you. I still believe that God has a plan for us, that he gave us DS6 and DD3 for reason, and that He expects us to fulfill that.

You are my first love, my only love. I remember all the first things I experienced with you – our first date, our first kiss, our first road trip, our first overnight, our first touch, our first time.

I want so much for things to be different. I want to give you so much more that you are willing to accept, and I want so much more than you are willing to give. I want you to be the one who meets my most important needs. I want you to be the one I hold and rock to sleep at night. I want you to be the one I snuggle with on the couch to watch a movie. I want you to be the one whose hand I hold as we stroll through the neighborhood or walk along the beach. As we vowed to each other, I want to be your best friend and I want you to be my best friend. I want you to be the one that sings the lover’s song with me.

I want you to be the one who raises our children together with me in our home. I want you to be the one who prays with them and tucks them in with me at night. I want you to be my partner in raising our children daily through their most difficult times in life. I want you to be the one who sits beside me holding hands as we watch our son and daughter one day graduate from high school and college and even get married. I want our marriage to be a model of what they should seek in their own marriage.

I accept my responsibility in creating an environment that helped make your affairs possible. I never fully understood or embraced how to meet your most important emotional needs. Even though I went to counseling both alone and together with you I was often not there for the right reasons and so I never allowed myself grow and change as I should have. I have already apologized to you for this and I desperately hope that one day you will forgive me and allow us to create a new future together.

During these last 8 months I have learned so much about myself and about what I need to do to make our marriage better. I still have more steps to take, but I have attempted to demonstrate to you what I have learned in the limited time we have had together. Most importantly, I have learned that there is no one and nothing as important to me as you are. I hope that you have seen these changes in me and that you will see the ones yet to come.

Whatever problems we had I am confident that we can overcome them together and take the necessary steps to create a new loving marriage in which we are both fulfilled. I have a vision for our marriage that I have not had before and I often dream of what that will be like. I want to hold on to all the memories we have made, both good and bad, and begin to make new and better ones.

I have tried so hard in this extremely difficult time of physical and emotional separation from you to maintain some kind of connection with you and I thank you for the few times you let me in; however nearly every time I see you or talk to you I feel the tremendous excruciating pain from the wound that has been inflicted in me and I can no longer endure that. Knowing that you have continued to give yourself to someone else absolutely shreds my heart; yet I still have hope that one day we can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate.

I want you in my life more than anything, but I want all of you to myself alone. Sharing you is just too painful and is not an option. I want to be your husband, just like I promised you in front of God and our families. I cannot lower my standard and just be your friend.

Therefore I’m asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I might still have some love left for you and might want to try again. The only way I can do this is to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. I say this with tears in my eyes because this is not what I want, but knowing that you would rather be with someone else everyday is destroying the love I have for you.

Please do not call me, send e-mails, or leave voice messages unless our kids are in a dire emergency. When you have separated from OM, will agree to NC for life and have decided that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, please contact our friends XXXX at XXXXX and they will get a message to me.

<details of exchanging the kids goes here>

I know the narrow path that we must walk in order to rebuild our marriage and I hope that you will decide to walk it with me.

It seems a little long. I would make sure that it all fits on one page single spaced 12pt font. If it doesn't, you might want to pair it down a little. Remember, if it is too long, she might miss the point of it. The only key points she needs to know is kid exchange, your conditions for ending plan B, you will have NC with her until she agrees to those conditions, and the door is still open....for now.

I want to give you more than you are willing to accept and recieve more than you are willing to give.

As we vowed to each other, I want to be best friends.


You know what I was thinking you have so many wants in there...what about need...do you need her to be these things...

I don't even know if that would be a good idea, just a thought...

It is too wordy...i was going to try to help shorten but I don't have a lot of time this morning...

I've heard it before that the WS' attention span is short...

I'll try to come back to it!

(((E)))

Like LilSis said, at the risk of this being the last communication with her I will leave it a little long to make sure it says everything I want it to say, in addition to laying out boundaries and how to end plan B.

Want vs. Need:

My initial reaction is I don't need her to be those things, rather I want her to be those things. Honestly, I can survive whichever way this goes. I've lived 6 months without her so I know I don't need her - I overcame that fear pretty quickly, especially regarding the care of the kids.

Not only will plan B protect the love I have left, it will protect the desire to want her to be all those things.

I hope that makes sense.

Eph,

That makes perfect sense to me.

I watched a movie the other day, forget which one, but the line that stuck with me was 'I CAN live without you, I just don't want to'

The fact is that loving our WS IS a choice we have made. We CAN and WILL continue on, with or without them. For now, we CHOOSE to want them to be our spouse.

Hope someday they 'get it'!