FH - you make some great points. This one especially:


I agree that I have allowed myself to fall into this mode. It's like Rin asked me last night - would I rather be right or would I rather be married? This is an issue I need to deal with myself.

You also asked:


I think I have the tendency to think "Well I prayed and asked God for strength, wisdom, whatever - and then I he ad off into "battle" expecting God to show up rather than following Him or bringing Him into the "battle" myself. Again, failure on my part becuase I allow myself to just jump into the fight.


This is definitely NOT what I want.


Well this morning I sure ran into battle again so to speak. I gave her the CS payment today but subtracted out an amount that she spent for vehicle maintenance that I am not required to pay. That set off a whole argument from her that I had agreed to pay it and such. I just had to walk away from it.

Then she called my cell phone and I did not take the call, so she left me a message about ignoring her and to call her whenever I felt like it. So once I got to work and parked I called her back and the war was on. After such a quiet weekend I didn't want to get into that. She mentioned not being able to trust my word again, that I should have communicated to her that I was doing this - to which I replied that I did tell her quite some time back that I expected to be paid back for those maintenance expenses and since she had not done anything about it I just thought this was the easiest way.

I did tell her there would be more changes coming up and one of the first ones was that I would be taking her name of the joint account and that she would need to document and provide receipts for any expenses that she needs reimbursement for. Oh she is pissed at that.

What really gets me is that she has spent all this money on "stuff" and things that she needs to be spending money on are just left to the side or she expects me to pay it. To me, it's as if she does not want to experience the consequences of her decisions and actions.

Just thinking further

This should be the kind of crap that plan B gets me out of, and, like Mortarman mentioned above, because I am reaching my own limits I am at risk of jeopardizing my own plan.

Yes, I would rather be married than be right. However, neither do I want to live a life of lies, deceit, and an adultery filled marriage.

I was JUST going to type this out. I know it's tough, you are hitting up against that wall, and Plan B will get you out of this crap, definitely, especially when done right.

So the pick-up was interesting this afternoon. I expected to encounter a winter storm, but surprisingly WW was chatty; however as mush as I don't want to I suspected ulterior motives.

She asked about switching the Tuesday overnight to Thursday since we have DD's party Thursday. She also wants to swap weekends around so she can get on the same schedule as someone else - of course when I asked her what that was about she just said "something for me." So while I would normally be inclined to help out, becuase I think this is a social type thing I don't really want to help her out at all. I want to tell her "You should just come home and we won't have to worry about this stuff."

Anyway, she then showed me where she was had a rash on her arm from either poison oak/poison ivy and asked if I knew what it looked like. Having encountered it a time or hundred in my life I told her what it looked like and we looked around for it, identifying it in a few places. She asked what she should put on it to help dry iy up and make it stop itching so we talked about that briefly.

She had made the kids a CD with some songs on it. so we were listening to it on the way home and there was a BIG trigger for me. There were several songs from some Disney movies we watched together when we first started dating (Beauty and the Beast, Alladin, The Little Mermaid). Those memories came flooding back - and I can't see how the same would not have happened for her.

I sent her this TM tonight:

In the end, it was a really strange day.

Upon further review, I was thinking I would tell WW there needs to be a legitimate reason for why she is wanting to switch the whole weekend schedule from what it is now . I am not interested in switching the kid's schedules so she can improve her social status.

checked in with my attorney today to see if he talked to the GAL yet - nada.

So I e-mailed the GAL catching her up on the latest with the kids and asking if there was anything she needed. I mentioned my concerns about whether a joint custody arrangement was going to work since the "joint" aspect has been lacking. Also mentioned that I needed to discuss the next course of action recommended to me by my counselor (plan B and Steve) and that I was hopeful that it will have more positive results for the kids and me.

Eph,

What is this change in schedule supposed to be for? If she cant tell you what it is and what it is for...then the answer is "no."

In divorce, you will have a life apart from her. With its own schedules and priorities. And they wont include her! So, she will have to understand that unless she can explain what the problem is and if that problem is legitimate, then you will have to decline and stick with your plans.

Examples:
1. "I need to attend a mandatory work training event on my day, and would like to trade off." Your answer could then be "yes."

2. "I want to go to this social function, as my friends will be there." Answer is "no."

3. "It is new OM's birthday and I want to plan something special for him." Answer (while laughing hysterically) "Are you kidding me?"

You see, in court, if you facilitate LEGITIMATE needs such as work, medical attention, etc, then you will be perceived as trying to co-parent. But, if she walks into court and says:

WW: "He wont work with me. He isnt co-parenting. I tried to change one stupid day with him and he wouldnt even talk about it."

Judge: "Well, what did you need the change in dates for?"

WW: "Well, it was new OM's birthday and ..."

Judge (as he cuts her off): "Are you kidding me?"

I think you got the idea now, Eph!!!

Yeah, I got it!

I sent her this message:


The only thing I am going off of is her comment yesterday about getting on the same schedule as some other woman I presume to be a new friend, so that WW did not have the kids when this other woman was not working. Thus my assumption it is a social thing.

Only thing is she could always make something up that would seem reasonable, like it being work related.

Which is why you ask. And then verify. If she says it is work, then have someone check to see if it is work.

Of course, she could be lying...and trying to get on OM's schedule! That is why you verify. Otherwise, you do not need to trade days.

She is ticked again, but what else is new.

WW: It seemed 2 me u already did yesterday
(Implying I already agreed to the switch. What I said was I did not think I had a problem with it but I already knew of some possible conflicts)
Me: I thought about it more. I need more info.
WW: U still make it impossible 2 believe a word u say. A simple yes cant be believed nor trusted.
Me: Just give me the details. It should not be a big deal.
WW: Why yes, master

I'm not even going to reply to that ugliness.

Don't argue with her. She is completely wayward.

Don't enable her by letting her change weekends to be with OM or enabling, bar hopping friends.

Keep your answers short and simple.

You handled it well.

Now, for the future...here is a little piece of advice. When she asks you for ANYTHING...tell her you need to think about it. Or you will consider it and let her know later.

Why do I say this? Because right now, you cannot trust yourself. You get close to her and then her influence upon you makes you want to do things for her. It is only natural.

By ALWAYS saying that you will get back to her, it will allow you time to think it thru and get the right response. And she will know that she cannot bully you.

It also takes off the table the foggy statements like "well, you never do what you say."

So, from now on, just tell her you will think about it. I did that with my wife. And about 60% of the time, she never even came back to find out the answer!!

Eph,

Never forget, that she will use your healthy, personally responsible replies to her and twist them as a way to justify her behavior as a wayward. Never forget that!!

Second, this is really rather easy. She asked you to do her a FAVOR. It is not something she can demand or require--it is a REQUEST. Her REQUEST should get the exact same amount of consideration as the teacher asking you to move the time of a parent/teacher conference. If it meets your schedule AND YOU FEEL LIKE IT, you can change if you want. If ANYTHING interferes or you literally just don't feel like it, there is no reason why you have to do it. She is asking YOU to break an agreement...not the other way around.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Foggy waywards!

See through her fog, Eph. She is playing you like a violin.

Your mama bee,


CJ

P.S. Comments on "the exchange" are forthcoming. I'm working on them!

You are right on the money with this:


Does plan B come with special issue fog lights? Oh, yeah - I don't have to worry about that anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well she sent me a TM tonight at about 10:30 that said "U want your info?" I sent her one back saying I was busy cleaning the house since I have a showing tomorrow (first one in several weeks) and that it would have to wait. With these last two smarta$$ comments I just want to tell her to forget it.

I got a reply from the GAL today thanking me for keeping her up to date on the situation with the kids. She has spoken to WW's references and is preparing to speak with mine. She also wants to schedule an in-office appointment ASAP befoe she prepares her report. I think this would be an appropriate time to fill her in on plan B and how I will handle that.

Also spoke with my attorney and he wants me to again fill him in on plan B so I need to clear that up now (gotta go back up to CJ's post above now). He also said he spoke with the GAL himself and it is looking more positive for me. WW is not handling this well at all - I guess she is too busy with other things. She has not been in any contact with the GAL and the GAL does not have WW's new phone number (remember the cell phone incident from April?) Truly wayward in all aspects of thinking.

A second mediation session is being set up towards the end of August.

Anyway, the kids and I had a great time tonight as always with a special activity. It's a real shame that she is not around to experience things with us as a family.

Such a loss for her. Such a tragedy for us all.

AMEN to that my friend! Always makes me sad to see families around and dad's being involved (in my case).

Hang in there...God has great things in store for us. We just have to trust his timing! As you know, I'm having a hard time dealing with that at the moment.

Good Morning! How are you today? I hope that you are well!

I wanted to make several points here...

One: WW is in no position to get custody of the kids, plain and simply...as with everything in her life right now, she has not stepped up to the plate and proved that she is willing to own her stuff...no with the kids, not with her mental health, not with her marriage, not with custody of the kids...

Some people do more than others...actions speak louder than words, and her actions are screaming what she can and can not handle...

For example, POWS wants 7/7 custody...it's okay for him to want that, however, his actions says that he can barely handle EOW (every other weekend)...

This is what I see in your case and IMVHO, you have nothing to worry about in this custody issue...

Two: Your family has changed, and yet I see that you still refer to your family including WW...however unfortunate, your family has gotten smaller and you have the right and should take some time to grieve that...probably something that you will find yourself doing in Plan B...

So, that's just a heads up...same thing when a member of the family passes away...an in reality your DW has and all that's left is the WW...

The benefit is that YOU WILL see yourself getting stronger...

Three: I was told that in some weird way I was meeting POWS needs in some way when I would argue with him, or disagree with him...From my POV, it was like proving to him time and time again that "things hasn't changed"...reinforcing his POV...Plan B allows that NOT to occur...

No longer will you be reinforcing HER TRUTH...she will have time to question herself IF she ever decides to examine her life...same thing with POWS...but the thing is that they have to WANT TO WANT IT!

So, for you my dear friend, I would like for you to practice the serenity pray:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!

God is giving you the opportunity to gain clarity in your life...to step back and examine the NEW needs of your family...the opportunity to accept what he wants for you as his child, to be treated in a manner that he wishs...

Let's use the example of the man on the roof...he prays for God's to save him from the rising water...

Soon a boat comes along, and the people in the baot asks if he wants a ride, he replies No, I'm waiting for me God to save me, soon the boat leaves...

The water is getting higher and another opportunity for the man to leave presents itself, but once again the man says no, he's waiting for God to save him...

Next, the man finds himself on the roof and the water is still rising, soon a helicopter comes along and ask the same thing, and the man responses the same way.

The man drowns soon after! Upon arriving in heaven, the man is VERY angry and asks God why he didn't save him. God replies: What did you want me to do? I sent you three opportunity to save yourself.

I'm sure that I didn't tell that exactly as it should have been by you get the idea...THiS is your opportunity to save yourself...it's a matter of what YOU do with the opportunity that will make the difference not only for you but for your kids!

Have a great day! Stay focused and positive! It's hard to see what God's plan for us is! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

HI Eph-

I understand what you mean that it's a shame your WW isn't around to experience all the wonderful things that are going on in your family. 6 months after my now XH left us my DD21 got married. It came in the middle of my cancer treatments and her wedding became the time we all realized (the kids and I) that WE had become a family without XH. He was on the outside of our lives by his own choice.

He has missed out on getting to know our DSinlaw23. He has missed out on getting to know our DS15 who has matured into a thoughtful and deep young man. He has missed out on the day-to-day of being with DS19 who is home from college for the summer. But, rather than be too sorry for him, I am enjoying this new family we have created.

I have learned that this verse is very true.

Prov. 14:26
"He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be refuge."

God does have a plan for us. Hang in there!

Rin - great post and great points. Point 3 was interesting and I agree could be very applicable. BTW, you like my sig? LOL.

johnstwin - that is a good verse. I'll have to add that to my list.

I picked this one up at church tonight.
Titus 2:7-8 (NIV)
7In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.

So, typical wayward stuff today. I had to go back to WW's place after church to pick up something that DS left there. When I talked to her before church she said something about being out running errands or something, but I picked up on so many verbal cues that indicated it was the typical thing where the story sounds made up as she goes.

Well when I stopped by her house I called her to tell her I was coming to get it. She said she was home and asked where I was and I told her that I was standing on her front porch. She said she was on the computer, so I told her to open the door to that room and wave at me (I could see the closed door through the window). She would not even do that and asked why I wanted her to. I just said it was no big deal I just thought she could wave at me, but of course I am thinking "You are not even home and you are caught in a lie and want to throw crap back at me becuase of it."

So I then said "Well I got what I came for (in more ways than one), see ya, bye."

Waywards. Sheesh, do they think we were born yesterday? Well based on another thread of stupid things that waywards say it would seem they do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> WRONG!!

I LUVVVVV YOUR SIG LINE...I feel Sooooo honored by it...


Thank you beyond words! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well WW was singing a different tune this morning. She called and left a message in her normal soft tone of voice, among other things thanking me for bringing breakfast to her house along with the kids. This leaves me with no doubts about her location last night.

Anyway, I got the details on why she wants to change the weekend schedule. She is wanting to see a therapist (not sure what for) on Saturdays because she cannot find anyone to keep this kids for her during the week and her visitation weekends do not match up with the availability of the therapist. I just listened and said "I'll think about it and get back to you."

So this is what I think. She can find a day during the week and I will find an alternate child care method for that time.

Seems simple to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Whaddaya think?

Party tonight for DD - Woo Hoo!

E, what's your thinking on pattern of behavior here? Looking at the WHOLE picture from beginnning to present...