Hummingbird,<BR>Great book choice. I have to order the one by Page, and have read Private Lies.<P>Although Dazed I'm sure is right on target about everything she says about the cycle of abuse and your H's past baggage, I still can not help but think that a man who is willing to go to the in-law's regularly must have some finer points. Enough? Don't know.<P>For the record, I have been married 17 years and my H has never done something as romantic(or even close) as your H did. Of course my H does not swear ever, and rarely raises his voice.<P>Now the hunting is excessive. I'm not sure he hunts or wants toys because he has a void, some people truly do have a focused passion for something. However, if this is your H's primary hunting season, I would not limit it. I would instead try to negotiate the off-season hunting.<P>Back in the old days, I never really won when trying to get my H to do less of something. If it was only to appease me, then it did not have the desired effect anyway. Now I'm willing to do my best to arrange things around his schedule, but if there's something important, he is willing to work with me, too. And I join him whenever it is possible and/or reasonable.<P>Why would I want to limit something my H derives so much pleasure from? <P>What I would ask is that your H gives you focused attention when he is home (no face in a magazine) and that he works with you as a team to make the necessary financial decisions for his hobby. Set a budget (even if it seems excessive to you, as long as you can reasonable afford it without cutting back in necessary areas, like saving). It sounds like you act like his mama...he asks, you say yes or no. This is not good for a H/W to interact. That makes you the heavy and that's not fair. Even if you handle the bills, you can hammer out a budget. <P>Plus I would ask him what is fair when he takes your needs into account. Sure, that trip sounds good, but would there be enough time or resourses for a trip together? And if the cost is in range with an ATV would a one time trip be as important as saving for the ATV? Instead of making these decisions for him, let him be accountable and say no to himself, which I bet he would.<P>Asking you to approve all these expenditures might be his crude way of testing your love. Ridiculous, but no more ridiculous than some of the tests you might give him to test his love (except yours are probilbly less expensive.)<P>Anyway, just some thoughts as I let my H sleep in on his birthday...(stay home with sick kids while I go to church with one healthy daughter.) <P>Already gave him his present just after midnight last night. Sure hope his mom doesn't ask....<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hum:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yes, I loved that book. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>[Wuthering Heights]. Oy vey mahogany. I knew it. Go back and read it again, and look at the Cathy/Heathcliff interaction. Do you think it's "love" when people destroy each other?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I think he may be depressed as well<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Probably.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I want to make him happy and yes, I feel and have felt over the years that I can "fix" everything with him, get him everything he wants, etc. It's taken a toll on my love<BR> for him and my marriage.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, I am "fix-it" wife too (as FLH has pointed out ). My stepfather is a "fix-it" spouse to my mother. But when you're dealing with people who are that empty inside, you CAN'T "fix it." And trying again and again does deplete you, until you recognize your limitations. The limitations are not shortcomings in you, they are shortcomings in him.<P>FLH:<P>Oh, I think Hum's H has some finer points. I think that the little healthy place in his head DOES want a wife, and a family, and intimacy, and closeness...but he's scared to death of it, so he does this "Push-me Pull-you" thing.<P>My H doesn't do really romantic things either...but you know what? I'd rather his idea of romantic be to give me the same old peach roses all the time than have to live on the kind of rollercoaster that Hum does. That's why abuse situations continue...because when the abuser is in the contrition phase, it's so wonderful, that you really want to hope (sort of like being a Mets fan, ha ha).<P>Hum, you might want to find something that YOU can have a passion for during your H's primary hunting season. Perhaps if he knows you have an outside interest (skiing? skating? painting? whatever), instead of always being at home waiting for him, he might spend some time at home. Look at the other night!

Hummingbird:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I said "where did you get the votives (thinking he had no idea where I kept them), he said "I know where they are, I pay attention to some things".<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I bet he pays attention to a lot more than just where you keep the candles. He knows about your affair. No doubt whatsoever.<P>Telling my W something she already knew was the hardest thing I have ever done, and the most worthwhile. Our marriage is <B>great,</B> in no small part because there isn't this gigantic lie between us. Had I not told her the WHOLE truth, and gotten back to the honesty that was the cornerstone of our relationship for so long, the rest of our marriage would be a lie, just as it was <B>during</B> my affair. We would have a sham marriage, just like yours. I couldn't live with that.<BR>