What I'm about to say has nothing to do with your having an A.
What I'm about to say is directed at you, because your H isn't here. He isn't asking for advice, you are. You can't change what he does, you can only change what you do.
Because I had an A, does that mean that I shouldn't expect him to do what HE promised when we agreed that he'd work at night and raise our two daughters?
Um, no. Because he works at night means you shouldn't be surprised if he didn't find time to pick up grass clippings and twigs during the day while watching children, at least one of whom is in the Terrible Twos.
The guy works at night and watches kids by day and is probably depressed. Just two of those things are enough to send me to bed or the couch. When does he sleep?
What someone else said about radar/laser, that's right. (Never heard it described that way, that's a cool visual!) There was a study done that confirmed that women are more able to multi-task than men, in general. I sometimes confuse DH by doing things like, say we're doing bills or something, I ask him to help me find something, while he's looking I start talking about what the kids need for school next week, and oh yeah you didn't throw away the party invites we got did you because I need the moms' phone numbers, and while you're looking keep an eye out for the medical bill and what do you want for dinner, I'd like to make some bread tomorrow since it's Saturday and OH NO STOP S5a FROM PUSHING S5b DOWN THE STAIRS!!!
And he is saying hold on, I'm looking for the bill you asked for.
So, he didn't pick up the yard or call about credit cards. He may have been doing things he thought were higher on his priority list than the yard, and he may have procrastinated dealing with credit cards because one more day wouldn't hurt and he was really tired, or it's an unpleasant task that is difficult to do especially if you are depressed, or maybe he was resisting being told what to do, who knows. But I'm not surprised he didn't, given that he works at night and had a 2 y.o. and a 4 y.o. to watch, and the emotional strain of the state of your M.
I'm gonna say to you something that was said to me... and I was a little offended, and defensive... but after I got over that, I REALLY saw things differently.
There are a lot of DJs in what you wrote. The rhetorical questions "Is it acceptable for him to do this while I do all that?" "big shocker" etc.
DJs are bad even if you are just thinking them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> This is the amazing part - I mean, it really blows my mind - if you start catching your DJs, and change your thoughts to be about what YOU can do, what YOU should do, and how you can respectfully request he do something but if he doesn't (even if he promised) that YOU can't force HIM to do a single thing.
SDs won't get you what you want (a loving passionate H who does things you want); DJs won't get you what you want. Changing yourself, not just your actions but also your attitude, thoughts, empathy, just might get you what you want.
I was nurturing my resentful feelings, even though I thought I was doing all this work to help the M. My H is not one to do "relationship stuff". He never completed his ENs questionairre. Things were bad. But wowie, did they ever improve once I started changing my DJs, started respecting that I can't force him to do something, and started taking responsibility for my own things and my boundary issues.
Your H may very well be every bit as lazy and irresponsible as you say. But you can't force him to be the way you want. You can only change what you do, and maybe that will help him or motivate him.
