Husband Left in January. He suffers from Depression. Possibly Bi-polar (His Father has that) or Mid-life Crisis. He moved in with his Mom.

The first week he left he took our income tax return and went straight to a lawyer. He gave her 1700 to file for the divorce. She sent him the papers and we are in Limbo.

He has told me he likes the changes he has seen. I've lost 76 pounds 5 sizes and my house is now spottless, and I have more confidence in my life. Of course that was not me, but God who has helped to change me.

He also says that he wants this divorce and is never coming back. Says he likes the changes, but can't trust that they will stay.

WHen he left I did not have a job. He said to me hurry up and find a job, I can't stand it at my parents, they are driving me nuts and I need out of her. He would say this to me at least 3 times a week. I found the job, and now it's I'm in no rush to leave.

He also told me I needed a job with benefits so that he could file for this divorce. Again, I have benefits, and he's in no rush to file.

His moods spiral, One minute he hates me, the next minute he hugs and Kisses me, and sometimes even intimate.

He told me the last time, that he has had an affair. I think I shocked him when I told him, that I will forgive him.

Lately as he moves toward the depression more, he is taking it out on our daughter.

A few weeks ago, he had a very angry outburst in my presence toward her. It was all I could do to get her to forgive him and to get her to see him on Father's Day. After she gave him his present, he watched the US Open (he hates golf) and then played on the internet and ignored her.

Then Monday she ended up in the hospital. I didn't call until they confirmed it was serious and they were going to admit her. He would not even come see her at the hospital only 15 minutes away. Said he had to work in the morning and could not call off. We got transferred to another hospital, it happened to be the one he had to work at in the am. So he did stop to say hi, and offered to show her the lab. I asked to see it, and he said everyone would look at me weird because he already told everyone that we are divorced. I let her go up to see the lab with him, while I waited downstairs.

Then he got mad when he found out that I was already up for 40 hours because of this and I had to go to work, my mom was taking my Daughter to her house, and I would get there after work, and after Bible study. 12 hours later got some sleep, only 4 hours, but still going.

He came to see her yesterday at our house. That's the other thing, he pressured me for so long to hurry up and get the house nice to sell, and now he's saying, no I want you and our D to stay there. I can't afford it myself.

When he came I was cutting the yard. He told our D to go play with her friend and he sat down and watched me. THen he went to the Neighbors house and even turned his chair to watch me. He doesn't know I saw him, I would just glance up for a quick second or two from time to time. He even watched as I weedwacked the place.

If he really wanted this Divorce I don't see why he would care so much to watch me. He also calls me in the middle of the day. I'm at work until 5pm. He calls at night for his daughter. He has told me he doesn't want to talk to me, and the more I respect his wishes, the more he asks to talk to me to ask really stupid questions or tell me something of no importance.

If he can't reach us at home, then he calls my mom's house or my best friends house. I know he cares, I know he loves me. I just can't understand why he is so distanced right now and why he wants to stay away.

I have apologized to him for the things I know that I did wrong in the marriage. I have also explained how those things would be different should he decide to come back.

I gave him a card on Father's Day from me too. I always have. And here and there I buy him small things to show I care, His pumpkin seeds or sunflower seeds.

I tried complimenting him, he does not like that right now.

He had been on depression meds for 2 years and quit them cold turkey. He has also started drinking. He was a once a year drinker.

I don't blame him for wanting to leave before, I had had 3 surgeries back to back, and was told I had something that may be turning cancerous. I went into a depression where I didn't care about anyone or anything, and Let everything go.
We couldn't be intimate for a year because of all the surgeries. Still tried to help with Hand, but that didnt' count. In october I started coming out of my depression.
I was finally able to be intimate and would try to be, but he would turn me away then. His depression got worse. In December he went to Arizona on business trip, and the pictures from the event he had no ring on. I was told when he went to leave and I didn't see a ring that this was the first time he's taken it off.

Later I confronted him about the trip, and he said that he was upset with me and that's why it was off.

His father left his mother the same way and it took them 7 years to get back together. I'm praying this will not happen to us. I need him !!! and I love him. !!!!

I have just finished surviving an affair and am almost done with Love Busters. I want to expose the affair but not sure how. I don't see his friends, just his parents. THought about emailing everyone, but the one LB of his was that I would tell his mom and my mom everything.

I explained to him that years ago I held everything in, and that I tried to comit suicide back then. My counselors advised then to ask others for help, and that's all I had been doing.

I have since quit telling them everything to stop this LB that would drive him nuts.

Any suggestions for what else I can do ????

INAH,

IS he getting mental health treatment?

No he is not. He was on depression medicine prescribed by our family doctor. But he quit them cold turkey when he was in an up cycle.

You and your daughter need t/b safe. Whether he has mental issues, what you described are WS attitudes. He is living a double life and don't hide it with him being depressed. He sounds like a WS. Is he?

At this point no matter what you do, he will hate it. So do what is best for you and your daughter and move forward without him. If he decides he wants to clean up his act, he needs to ASK you NOT demand you do things for him. If his communication with you is still about him.....don't participate, listen and walk away, then do what you need t/d for you and your family.

Do NOT let him back in the house. He sounds whiney.

L.

INAH,

It sounds to me like he has laid out demand after deamand and you have twisted yourself inside out trying to comply.

That is not what Plan A is all about. Yes, it is about making changes in yourself for the better, but not at the DEMAND of a WH.

It is first and foremost for yourself that you change. The resulting changes should/do make you a more attractive mate.

If you continue to jump at his ever demand, it will never change. He demands, you meet the demand, he comes up with a new one. What kind of relationship is that?

Please forgive me if this sounds stupid, but what is WS and WH ?

Just got off the phone with him. My Daughter is on her weekend with him. She wasn't going to stay, but decided she wanted to. I had given her 2.00 in change in a zip lock bag, because of how terrified she is of him when he yells.

I have told her if he does this and they are out and she's that afraid to go to a phone and call me. I knew they were going to a public place with a pay phone, so I made sure she had enough money to call.

WHen I talked to him, he said we just got back, everything went okay and she didn't have to use any of her money for the payphone. Then he said thanks alot in a smart tone. I said politely you are welcome very much.

I know I'm in for it tomorrow.

Good news is though, I told him about all the hedges I cut down today with the chainsaw and how I cut a tree down and that next weekend I would have one heck of a big bonfire.
He doesn't realize he said it, but he said "We will have to be careful and watch it when we burn it next weekend."

Next weekend is my weekend and he's never around on them so to hear him say we I was shocked.

Will post tomorrow after we've talked.

Okay.... Withdrawn Spouse and Withdrawn Husband ??


Well He just left her a couple of minutes ago and I'm on top of Cloud 9.

He brought my daughter back. Took her overnight. Either being off of the depression medicine long enough now has finally made him better or He is in an upward swing if he does have the Bi-polar like his dad.

Anyway he was in a great mood. He joked around alot. He helped me fix the swimming pool filter and He showed me how to use the power washer. Didn't want to tell him I already used it today, but You know guys and their toys.

He saw how much of the bushes and trees I cut down and he saw the chainsaw out. He actually told me that I looked nice today and that the yard looks extremely nice.

He typically does not give compliments. So that was nice.
Then we had a quick chat on the back porch. I asked him if he would like to know what the payphone money was for. He said know I already know. I asked him what he thought it was for and he said "You told our daughter that if I yell and scare her or am mean to her in any way to run away to the payphone and call you and you will pick her up."

I went to say no, of course not, but honesty is the best policy. I said "You are right to a certain extent." I then explained that the last visit to the psyc. she colored what her hear looks like and that it was happy because of mommy and her friends, but that it was worried because daddy scares her when he yells and jumps or moves toward her. I told him that this was my way of getting her to trust daddy, because she knew that mommy is only a phone call away.

He didn't yell or anything, but he said calmly that the last time he yelled at her it was a safety issue. I wanted to interrupt like I typically do, but I caught myself (Yea...Lovebusters !) and I just listened. When I thought he was done I asked politely, is it my turn.

He said yes, and I explained that what upset her wasn't that time, but after he told me about it when he screamed verses yelled. I explained to him that it even scared me a little bit. He got a worried look on his face.

She came outside then and I said to her, give daddy a hug he is leaving. Then I said to her are you ready to get him, one, two, three, and we both tickled him. He was actually laughing.

When he went to go, I put out my arm to give him the one armed Hug I am so used to getting. To my surprise, I got a big bear hug and a small peck type kiss on the lips.

I wanted to grab him and say I love you come home. I wanted to smother him with a real kiss, but I knew it would push him away.

Instead I just smiled and waved as he left and came inside to call his mom to let her know I got a kiss and I didn't even have to try.

While I was on the phone, she said that he was on the other line, so I told her to call me back. He called back immediately, and said. "What do you want with my mom ? " It was said kind of sarcastically. I said I just wanted to talk to her like we always do. Then he said, well I thought we forgot something. I said no, "I was just really happy " he asked about what, and I said "about you". Then he said, "What about me, I hope I didn't get your hopes up helping you with the pool." He doesn't even realize that he kissed me, and I wasn't about to bring it to his attention.

Baby steps......and patience.....

I heard a sermon today about God's will and how to know when it's right.

I know getting him back is God's will, because it says in HIS word that HE hates divorce. But I know I can't ask him to bring my husband back yet because if GOD does before my husband gets help, then my daughter or myself could get hurt. So I realize that although it is God's will for us to reconcile, it is just not his will at this time.

I will wait for his will, and practice MB and just sleep better tonight knowing that his lips touched mine.

Ineeda

I am very concerned that you will take/accept any type of behavior from your husband and that getting him "home" is more important than a truly healthy EQUAL fullfilling marriage...

As part of your plan A I would proceed with legal issues..establishing concrete in writing visitation...

and financial support....

what happened to the income money that is HALF yours...I would legally persue retrival of those funds...

why you ask...
why would someone do that in plan A...

well on one level those are exact actions of plan A...
NOT feeding in to bul*shi** abandonment....verbal diarrhea...etc...

shows the WS...which means waywardspouse...not withdrawn spouse...and BS is betrayed spouse....

your husband is playing you and the longer he strings you along the more you condone these types of actions/interactions...

you are clinging too much on small bits of attention...
way to much emphasis on those perceived interactions....and spinning them in to positive things...

positive things from this guy...are his sincere apology for abandoning his seven year old daughter....and NOT coming to the hospital when sick...he's sick....

you need to raise your standards of what a husband and a MAN is way way higher....

my advice..

seek legal counsel and get in writing..visitation...financial....and assests...it will shock him that little wifey whom he has where he wants...would ever ever do such a thing....

start NOT being available for calls....be kind...flirty and upbeat..but a little less interested in what he is doing...

don't take every phone call
cut them short...act surprised when he calls and say..ooooh I can't talk long..I am expecting another call...and give no other infor.......say talk to you later...and buh-bye...

he has you where he wants you....

stringing you along..
then zapping you with cruelness...

he needs medication...and that should be part of his payment to get home ...

is there history of abuse from him in the home towards you..
ARK

Arc:

I already shocked him by getting custody of my daughter and getting child and spousal support. I think that is why he wants me to get a boyfriend so much. So he doesn't have to pay. I have also quit paying on his bills and I made him.

He needed a list of everything I wanted in the house to file for the D. I gave it to him. I don't think he expected it. That was his next reason for going to the lawyer and I handed it right over to him.

He has not rushed there like He keeps telling me. I thank God for that. I really do not want the big D. I want him to go for counseling, become the great guy that he is when he's not ill, and get back to our happy marriage.

I have went almost a month with only talking to him at the pick ups and drop offs. And I typically do say when he asks for me that I can't talk right now. I got him to the point where he called my best friend to see what was up. She knew what was going on, and said to him, I really don't know I haven't seen her lately. For me that would be really strange because I was at her house every night. But I haven't been doing anything that anyone expects me to do.

I'm being me. I don't report to anyone now. That way he can't track me down. And it does get to him. I had told my daughter that I'd tell the guy at the Pizza shop hi from her. That is my friends good friend that I've know now for 7 years. So when I'm at the mall I stop to say hello also.
My husband confronted me to see if I'm dating. I know he must think it. I never wore makeup and I wear it every day now, and I wear dresses and even bought hi heels. I've only ever owned flats, so he is wondering alot.

He has never been abusive. His Angry outburst started about 4 years ago. We went straight to the doctor for help.

He would not see a psyc. because he does not believe he has bi-polar like his father. He went through a period of a couple of months where he was paranoid he was going to die, and he didn't want to die. I read a book on bi-polar and this is one of the things that can happen.

The doctor put him on depression medicine (Zoloft) knowing that his father has this and that the medicine could make him turn bi-polar if he carried the genes. I was to watch for symptoms. Went to the next appointment and told the doctor what I saw...more signs, He had my husband fill out a questionaire (Of course he lied), and put him on stronger Zoloft and another (Topomax). He was already on another anti-depressant (Trazadone) for pain, so now he was on 3 anti-depressants. He had just been put on the stronger Zoloft when he snapped about a week later and moved out of the house.

Yes, I have been afraid of him because with the recent angry outbursts he jumps up and stands and hovers toward the person. He missed the last appt with the family doctor and pulled himself cold turkey from the meds. I talked to the doctor about this and told him that he really shows all the signs of bi-polar. He gave up everthing that he loved (Fishing club, poker, doing the company newspaper, doing websites, and making professional type videos), He has bouts of sadness followed by bouts of happiness, He goes for 2 weeks sleeping all the time, to requiring little sleep, He started spending money, He lost concentration at work and almost got fired for sexual harrasment, He had the affair, and He now drinks where he would only drink once maybe twice a year. He used to be the life of the party making everyone laugh, last party at his friends he sat in the corner and hardly even talked.

I wish I knew how many a day he does drink, but I don't. I don't think one a day is bad, but he has replaced his meds with the booze and for that I am worried.

He was taking care of himself, exercising and watching what he eats. Not lately though. I figured this will change since he is in the up mood right now.

His mom tells me that he doesn't go anywhere or really talk to anyone. She doesn't think I have anything to worry about. When I told her about the affair she was shocked. She knew he went out on a date the one time but that was it. I explained that it was someone that works in one of the Labs he has to service, so it could of happened while he was working too. I also explained that it could have happened in his mind too and not physically. We don't truly know, we just can go by what he has said.


I know that in the condition he is in, I can not take him back right now. He does need help. But I thank God for letting him leave to show me where I needed to change. I let myself go through a depression when my husband went through his. Of course the fact that I had so many surgeries back to back and that I may have throat cancer and only a few years to live didn't help either. I have barrets esophagus that I have to watch alot. If it turns there isn't much they can do. I let it get to me, and I myself was way down there. God helped bring me back right before my husband left. I came out of depression in October, but near the holidays I became overwhelmed, and got depressed again. My husband said he had seen changes, and that I slid back again in december. How could I not. My birthday is at the beginning and he didn't even buy me a card. I bought the present my daughter gave me, I had to go buy the cake myself, and he didn't even handwrite a card for me. I was stressed already, because of how many cookies and candies I always have to make, and then the shopping. The fact that I have to get the 3 sets of grandparents and her brother a seperate list of stuff to buy for my daughter leaving me with not an idea for her. It just overwhelms me.

And I still wasn't working at that time, so the financial worry was on my mind, and my husband kept buying stuff I didn't think we could afford.

Add that to the fact that his job always had him out of town, December he was gone for 2 weeks straight on a conference and of course I stumble a bit.

I don't know how I am managing right now except that the Lord is carrying most of the burden. With the stress of this seperation, and my daughter and work, my reflux is back in my throat which can make the barrets change. I was supposed to go for my endoscopy, but since I had to use my time off for my daughter's appointments I had to cancel mine for now. I used all my time off so far, and I've only been at this company for a month.

My best friend had told me there is a complete change in me. She says the way I walk, the way I carry myself and the way I talk is so completely different. She says I now have confidence I never had, and I am a happier person.

She knows I love my husband and want him back, but she's not sure if that's a good idea because of how much my life has changed for the better.

I am just waiting on my answer from God. I will follow his will no matter what, provided my daughter does not get hurt.

Ineed,

You certainly have a lot on your plate!

For now, continue concentrating on YOU. Find a way to get your dr appt taken care of. It is too important to let it go.

As much as you can, for now, leave the past in the past. Focus on being the best You possible for today.

I gotta run, but wanted to ck in on you. You have done great things! Remember, this takes time,, a Lot of time!

God bless!

When you do have a conversation with him, make sure it is in person vs phone or e-mail. Make sure he is looking at you while you are speaking with him. Leave pauses and allow time for him to respond. If he doesn't respond, let it go. It make take longer for him to digest and respond. Make sure you keep eye contact. If the eye contact breaks off, end the convo.

Exercise great patience. If this is A also has physical conditions (i.e. bipolar, etc.), then how you deal with it may vary a bit. Still work on you, once you are done, then you can concentrate on him.

Keep a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

take care,
L.

My daughter talked with her father yesterday. Seemed like he was distant again. Just the night before when I called to talk with his mom, he answered the phone and I woke him up at 6:20 pm.

I can only assume he's going back into the depression phase again if he's sleeping alot again.

My daughter asked if my husband could keep her friday night into saturday so that I wouldn't have to take her to my uncles funeral. I didn't get sorry to hear it, sorry for your loss or anything. What we got was, "I'm not sure what time I'll be home, I don't think it's a good idea."

I figure it must mean he has a date with someone. Could be wrong, but that's my gut instinct. SO my friend will watch her friday night, but saturday for the funeral she'll just have to go with me.

This is the weekend I'm burning the big pyle of branches, so we'll see if he shows up like he said.

INeed,

First, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your Uncle!

Second, and this is very important EXPECT NOTHING from your WH. Do now expect him to even do the common courtesy things like express sympathy in the loss of a family member

For now, for him as a WH, the world only exists for him and revoles around him. Period. Your needs or feelings do not exist in his world other than as things which annoy him

It is really hard to handle but it gets easier when you accpet that

Plan A is all about being the Giver, meeting need with NO expectation of anything in return

Have u read Surviving an Affair yet?

BUGS

Yes I read surviving an affair. I'm almost finished with Love Busters and just started His Needs / Her needs.

I loved the part about the Giver and the Taker.

I know that I have been doing some good. I have really been critical about what would be considered a LB and the last time he was over I caught myself before I went into one.

It's funny how you can give advice to others, but when it comes to yourself you forget.

That's why I'm really glad I found your site.

I talked to my husband before I left tonight. I had asked his mom to watch my daughter and when I got home to change my sister was at my house wanting to take my daughter.

She was not going to the funeral home. I called to tell his mom. It's funny because he would never answer her phone and now he grabs it every time.

He apologized up and down and said he was just getting ready to call me because he had just found out that he has to fly to florida tomorrow and would not be home in time for his daughter. I said you know that's funny, because you said last night you couldn't do it anyway, so I made other plans already.

He was shocked and said "I never said I couldn't watch her."
I said, sorry if I mis understood then. When your daughter asked if you could watch her friday into saturday I overheard the conversation that sounded as if you said, " Tell mommy that I don't think it's a good idea because I don't know if I'll be home in time you would have to be with grandma."

It seemed to me like that was a no I can't do it, but if I misunderstood, then again I am extremely sorry.

I then told him to have a safe trip. He tried to talk again to draw it out more, but this is still the month I promised not to talk. I just said, "I'd really love to chat, but there's someone on the other line."

I heard a pause, and OOOHHHH??? Then, goodbye.

What in the world do you mean by this????

You promised not to talk for a month????

Number one..you didn't keep your PROMISE (which is understandable).

Number two..why would you promise NOT TO TALK?

Number three..why would you promise not to talk FOR A MONTH?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

-Mimi

My husband wanted his space. He said that I always say that I will give it to him and then I never do. He wanted his own time. I promised him one month where I would not talk to him or email him except for the time to get my daughter.

I think it's helped because he always asks to talk to me.
Not the other way around. He will call my daughter and ask for me and then just try to chat. I'm listening to what he asked and that's to give him his space.

July 1st I'll talk all he wants. He can't say I ddint listen to him.

Wow, needing space is a classic when they have another woman. But since you say there is no one, I'll believe you.

You are still very early in Plan A. Plan A needs to go for at least 3 or 4 months. It DOES sound like you are doing an excellent job though.

Please give me your opinions on this:

I wrote this to Bill:

Katie was really upset last night. She told me to tell you how she was feeling. Katie cried for over an hour at the funeral home because she was sad because she doesn't have her daddy anymore.

Everyone tried to cheer her, but could not so she went home with my sister even though she was supposed to be going to robertas last night.

Please call her and help her feel better today.


THEN HE WROTE BACK :
I talked p her for 20 minutes last night.
She sounded fine


IT SOUNDED LIKE A SARCASTIC TONE: SO I WROTE BACK:

I didn't get to speak to her last night after she left. We didn't leave the funeral home until 10:15 and We didn't get home til after midnight.

I apologize to you. I realize that it may seem as if I am trying to manipulate you by making you feel down. And I'm sure that it seems as if I am using Katie to try to get to you and to make you feel guilty. I assure you that is not my intensions in any way. You may ask tracey, Katie was in extreme SOBBS when I put her in Traceys truck last night. If she was okay when you called that's because Luke and Vanessa cheered her up then and made her forget she was missing you.

I had asked her if she wanted to call you, when she was so upset because I did have the cell phone. Katie told me no, but she wanted me to call you to let you know how she was feeling. I am just trying to pass on what she asked me to.

Yes, I do have to apologize. I know if the roles were reversed I would have felt awful. I take full responsiblity for how it may have come accross toward you. Please forgive me ?

I JUST LOOKED AT MY EMAIL AND THIS WAS THERE:
As I said. When I talk to her or am around her. She is fine. With few problems.
Is it possible? She may be seeking attention? Just a possibility ?
I don't doubt she does miss me. But she also knows if she crys she gets more attention.
Just as a test. Try telling her is ok and just let her cry without intervention. See how long it lasts. It may stop much sooner than if you console.
Just an idea.

I love her and call her as often as I can. I at times wait to see if she would call. And so far she doesn't. Try telling her that makes me sad that I always call her but she doesn't call me. See what happens.

Nothing for you to be sorry for. And I trust you when you say you aren't feeding the fear or using it to get to me.
I trust you with that. Just don't break it or you can trust me to never trust you again with it.

Thanks for the heads up.
Have her call me. [color:"red"] [/color] [color:"red"] [/color]