I can only assume the feeding the fear part is because of last weekend when she told him she had payphone money.

I'm not sure what kind of mood he's in. I can only assume because the note doesn't seem too nasty that he's either in an up mood yet, or that I am getting through to him.

I'm hoping it's the later.

Katie and I went to a neighbors house tonight. We sat around a bonfire and sang songs, and I gave the kids sparklers. THis is something my husband would have loved.

So I was a little saddened, especially when alot of the songs they played on the guitar were about lost loves.
I wanted to bawl my eyes out. The one neighbor who knows me though, said he can't believe how stong I am now, and how confident. He said that he sees the changes in me and that if my husband doesn't see them then he's not worth it.

I wanted to hug him and say thank you. I'll just make him some cookies this week for him and his wife.

oh... part of the reason I mention manipulation in my letter to him is that he says that's one thing I used to do. I really never did. I know it's his illness making him think this.

One thing I read today is, that it doesn't matter whose fault it is if you truly love someone you will assume full responsibility and make it right.

I know in his screwed up thinking now, that's probably how it came accross. I wanted to try to prevent an outburst.

INeed,

Here's what I see, and this is JMHO.

Like Drac, and probably every other WS, they REFUSE to see the impact of their actions in a negative way even when it comes to their kids.

Drac thinks our kids are BETTER since he left. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE else sees that at all. They see the opposite to be true, as do I.

It is MY belief that there is nothing YOU can do to change what your WH sees when it comes to your DD. No matter what you say, no matter how many examples you give of your DD's pain in the sitch, he will not believe you.

Notice how he SAYS he is trusting you, but then has to throw in that bit about YOU breaking that TRUST??

Who is HE to talk about TRUST??

I don't want to sound mean, but the communication above sounds more like coddling of him than anything. Don't do that when it comes to his R with DD.

WH HAS to be responsible for his R with DD. You can't fix that, as much as you want to. \

Drac has told me SEVERAL times about how DD and DSS NEVER give him ANY indication of being upset, sad, or unhappy about this sitich. I tried to explain that they won't show him for several reasons -
#1. They've never really related with him that way, as in sharing their fears and deepest feelings with him
#2. As kids, they think if HE is HAPPY around them, maybe he'll come home
#3. As kids, they see that he was UNAHPPY, so he LEFT me, and they are afraid if they make him unhappy, maybe he will leave them, too (now this is not a concious thought pattern at their ages)

So,,,, that's just my take on things.

Do your best to reassure your DD. Let her talk to you and share anything with you, like you have been doing.

But do not try to step in and expect WH to respond in a positive way. Do not expect him to BELIEVE or TRUST you. He REFUSES to see it and if you keep bringing it up, he sees it as manipulation, control, accusations, etc. It makes no difference HOW you try to say it.

Again, JMHO. Not what you may have wanted to hear, sorry!

Saturday night I went to a bonfire at the neighbors house. We sang songs and had a good old time. I was told that He and his daughter were going to the amusement park the next day and I invited to go too.

So, yesterday I Took my daughter to the amusement park. We had fun. I had invited my husband to go, but he said that he had to get his inventory from the parts in his truck done. I called my husband 1/2 way through so that his Daughter could say hi and let him hear her excitement. This was her first time riding the big rollercoasters. We got the voicemail. We called on the way home, and stopped so that she could say hi to daddy, she was excited.

When we got there she went inside so that he could show her the WII that he just bought. I stayed on the porch and talked with his mom. SHe let me know again that he's not going anywhere or calling anyone. She also told me to hang in there I'm doing great. SHe normally tells me to run as fast as I can. She told me that she hopes that I don't suffer like she did and age early. What does she think is happening now ?

We then went in and I showed her pictures. As we went through the pictures she asked who all it was that went and I explained me, my daughter, my neighbor Jon, his daughter and her cousin. My husbands ears perked up then. As I was showing her pictures, I came to one of just Jon and his daughter, His ears picked up even more then. He even asked to see the pictures. I let him, because there is nothing going on with us. Jon's girlfriend met us there too, but didn't show up til later on and by then I hadn't taken any more pictures.

He then asked if I wanted to try the WII. I did for a short time, and gave it back to him. I don't really like video games, but I'll play to make him happy.

Every now and then he would look over at me. He wouldn't look me straight on, he would put his head down to look at me. When I mentioned Jon's name to his, He actually turned pale. I think he thought we went on a date. Jon's wife was murdered 5 years ago, and my husband didn't know that Jon's girlfriend went.

Sometimes the look I would get from my husband was a very sad almost guilty type of look. It made me wonder if he was having second thoughts about what he was doing. If I found that my eyes caught his, then I would just smile.

He walked us out to the car carrying his daughter, I had to take her from him to put her in the car because he didn't have shoes on. I just said goodnight and turned put her in the car and got in then myself.

He looked shocked. I don't know if he wanted a hug goodnight or what from me, but he looked at the car and said drive safely and then went in the house.

I had also kept my hand turned in a way that he could not see whether I was wearing my rings or not.

We'll see how it goes next I talk with him.

July 12 will be my 10 year anniversary.

It will be the hardest day of my life to get through.

My question though is, do I send my husband something ?
Any thoughts....ideas....comments ???


I thought about putting together a basket...

Nuts - because it's driving me nuts that your not around.

Watch - because I'm losing time without you...


You get the picture.... I even thought about putting clips of us dating til now and then just our vows on a dvd.
I like to make movies. Didn't know if he'd like that though.

I could buy him a new game for his WII.

Please help....I don't know what to do here.... I know I won't get anything, not even a card. I don't expect it from him right now since he doesn't love anyone but himself.
I want to wow him though....

Just got off the phone with my WS. I was in such a good mood and I think he sensed it. He asked if I heard his message about what to pay on the credit card.

I said no I did not.

He asked what he could pay and I asked what was owed. He just went out and spent 300.00 we don't have on a WII. Not like he needed it. He has all the other gaming systems.

He said to me that he wants to know what we are doing with the house and that he doesn't want to stay at his mom's much longer. He says this only a couple weeks after telling me that we were not going to sell this house and that katie and I were going to live here.

I know that he's trying to make me upset and mad, and he succeded.

INeed,

It is pretty typical for the WH to waffle back and forth on what they say the 'want' or don't want.

You need to make YOUR plan and stick to it. Let the WH doe the 'heavy' lifting for anything he wants that moves you two apart.

Have you done anything about protecting your finances? If not, do so immediately!

I know it's hard sweetie! Hard to Plan A and protect yourself and try to see the GOOD in them when they are such jerks!

Let the tears flow when you need to, but them grab that determination, the strength of the Lord, pick yourself up and battle for your marriage!

You CAN do this!

Thank you Bugs.

Yes I have my own checking account and I had my mom open one in her name as well for me to move money into.

I have not filed for child support or spousal because he has not been moving money from the account.

I will have to file though if his spending is going to continue like it is right now.

I know that him switching back and forth is part of what I believe is the bi-polar and the spending is part of it as well. I could tell the night we visited at Kennywood that he was down a bit and I knew from a few days prior when we talked with his mom that he was sleeping at 6:30 in the evening already.

When he hits his down phase of the depression that is when he tends to take it out on me and tries to hurt me the most.
I feel much better today and thank you for the encouragement.

What do you think about a cigar wrapped up in a box with daiseys(our wedding flower) and a balloon that says happy anniversary.

I called my H to find out if he was getting my daughter tonight or tomorrow. Of course it's tomorrow early am.
He told me he wasn't sure what time their appointmet is with the psycologist. He was supposed to call me this evening then. I told him we were going to be going away.

I was talking to my friend and the phone went dead. Within 30 seconds of me hanging up the phone rang and thinking it was her I said " I didn't tell you you could hang up on me like that." TO my surprise it was my H. He immediately said to me who were you talking to ?

and of course I apologized to him and I said that I was on with someone else, and changed the subject. So he told me about the appointment and 2 other times he asked who I was on with. I just said it doesn't really matter right now.

I thought it was funny because he was really trying to find out who. And he says he doesn't care.

July first when I was allowed to email him again, I thanked him for the way he showed my daugther how to play the WII.

Then I told him we would be going to the neighbors for a picnic and he was invited to join us. I also told him that during the day my daughter and I would be having our own picnic at a certain park and playing. I told him we were getting KFC and that if he wanted to join he was welcome. That is what he and I did for our first fourth of July together.

He never responded to my invitation, but I know that he remembered the good times, because that night he called me and he was down, and also said some mean things to try to hurt me.

I didn't let it get to me, I expected this from him.

I just remained kind and sweet, as much as possible.

We'll see what he's like at the end of the weekend. since he is taking my daughter to the psyc today. He doesn't know it, but this appointment is so that she can evaluate him and not her.

I need to make sure that she will be safe around him.

Well... he just picked up my daughter for the doctors visit and then a sleepover.

I taught her yesterday how to call the operator and make a collect call to the home phone number.

When he came in the house, he looked all around. Yep it's still clean. Got up at 5 am today to pick up the little toys my daughter had laying around.

He would not look at me, he was avoiding it. I did catch him doing quick glances though. I put on a nice pair of shorts, and did my hair and put on makeup. Looking like a beauty today. Actually looking better than the day we said I do.

He saw me putting on a neoprine belt and asked what that was for. I explained that I wear it when I cut the grass and do yard work. I also explained that I was meeting a coworker at the gym today and he was going to help me with the weights, and that the belt helps shrink the fat. I still have 40 pounds to go.. Don't worry... Even though the coworker is a single dad, I'm holding out for my husband, but this guy from work is a weight trainer and is going to show me what exercises to do to loose where I want. It won't be a weekly thing or anything like that. I don't want tempted myself.

He looked pouty then....thank god for that. Then he hurried up and picked up his keys to go check on our daughter who is outside releasing the lightening bugs she caught last night so that they would not die.

I picked up her stuff and followed outside. I put it in his truck. I don't think he's trying for any women. His truck was filled wall to wall mess, including her seat. Thank god for that also.

He did dress nice today for the doctor, but didn't shave and you can still see through him that he is down. I'm sure the psycologist will see the same thing also. But he is really good at putting up an "I'm okay" act.

I did compliment him on how nice he does look today, and he said thank you under his breath. You could tell that he didn't want me to compliment him. He hates the fact that I'm so nice to him.

I buckled my daughter in the truck, gave her a kiss and told her I'd talk to her later. She knows she can call home anytime, and now that she can do it collect she's not afraid. I explained to her that calling collect is only in an emergency and if she just wanted to say hi, ask daddy if she can call.

I tried telling him where I put her medicine, toothbrush, what to mix the medicine with etc. He wasn't listening, so I'll call his mom in a little while to let her know. She'll make sure that my daughter gets it.

Will let you know how the rest of the weekend goes later...
For now I'm just going to relax in God's word...

INeed,

Good interaction today! Great job!

Don't be too quick to call MIL to have HER do what DD's DAD should be doing for her. If he doesn't listen when you tell him things, let HIM try to figure it out.

Part of this is for him to have to MISS the things that YOU have always done and taken of for him and your daughter.

He is a big boy. He is her father. Let him do the things necessary to fill those roles on his own when you are not there. Give him the opportunity to MISS you!

Have a great relaxing day!

I NEED:

I haven't been keeping up with you 'cause I do not have a good understanding of and can't relate to bipolar disorder.

But, for sure, celebrate your ANNIVERSARY by GIFTING him.

INeed.

I am with Mimi to certainly gift the day!

I think the cigar idea is good,,,,,as long as it is something that you know HE likes, vs something you think he should have (Mimi gave me this advice)

It needs to be focused on HIM and HIS likes/wants. Not just how YOU think it would/should impact him.

Called to say goodnight to my daughter. My H answered the phone and he said quit telling your daughter that I smoke. I do not.

I said, you do smoke cigars every now and then.

Then he said, " I'm not getting you anything for the 12th so don't get your hopes up."

I said, " your not getting me anything, that's okay."

Then he said, "I'm telling you right now, if you get me anything I will not accept it and it will come right back to you."

I said okay, no problem.

Then his attitude changed a little, and he seemed down.

I asked is something wrong. He said "No, I'm just tired." But I know it's something else.

He took my daughter to Dave and Busters and adult type chuckie cheese. She normally would have sounded really happy, but even she didn't sound too happy.

I told her that if she changes her mind, I don't care what time it is, I will come and get her.

She said okay, but she is feeling sick, her stomache is hurting her. I told her to rub her belly the way I always do and to have daddy give her her medicine, and if she needs me then just call.

I'm sure he did something to get her stress way up, and that is when she normally gets the severe belly aches, and it backs her bowels up more.

I can't wait to see what the psycologist says because bill told me that she talked to katie for 10 minutes and then him the rest of the time.

I guess I will have to honor my husband and not get him anything. Don't want to send him into an uprage. His mom said that he is extremely bad this week, so she is watching to make sure my daughter is okay.

She also apologized to me, because when I told everyone he had this before they told me it was my imagination. Now that he is living with them, they are seeing their true son. She told me that if this is how he is going to be then I deserve someone else.

I replied, "God put your son and me together. I can only honor God now by standing firm in my belief that he gave me the perfect partner, and all I can do is pray that HE will change my husband and lead him back to me. I told her that if it takes 2, 10, 20 years, God will work this out and I will stand firm.

I reminded her that Sara had to wait til she was in her late adult hood before God gave her her child. I can wait the same way. GOd will listen, because I do believe and have faith.

Of course after I got off the phone I had to read Romans 7:15-25 where it says he does the things he does not want to do, and he knows not what he does, because it is the evil inside doing it

Wednesday is sure going to be rough

Why you don't say "OUR" daughter?

Mimi:

I guess its just because of the way he treats her right now. I don't understand it. She is our daughter we both adopted her, but he doesn't make it seem like he wants her even now.

I know it's not him speaking, its satan. and that's why right now it's my daughter. She does not belong to satan. WHen my husband truly returns to being my husband instead of this person filled with evil, then it will be our daugher.

Alright, so he says I can't give him anything.

I'll be at work with access to the computer. If I send him and email it goes directly to his blackberry.

I was thinking at the time when we said our I Do's that I could type out our marriage vows and send them to him. Say that I know he's not feeling the same, but I promised to renew our vows on our 10th anniversary and whether he says them or not, I am.

He was so choked up on our wedding he could not even get his vows out. He tried to speak and nothing came.

INeed,

To be honest, I am never quite sure what to post to you. The whole bi-polar issue is way out of my scope of understanding

I also do not understand the whole thing with your daughter - coaching her on how to get 'help' when she is out with him has me very confused and I bet it has her confused, too.

If you are THAT afraid for her while she is with him, do not let her go. Otherwise, you are contaminating his R with her and I would guess, scaring her in the process.

I would not email him your wedding vows. If you want to send him an email and reference them in terms of how they mean something to you, ok. Otherwise he would likely just see it as your pointing our His Failure to uphold them. Now is not the time to make him feel judged.

Do something from your heart, something simple yet meaningful.

Bugs:

It is confusing with my daughter. He has court ordered visitations so I have to let her go. She is afraid because of how he gets when he is in a down mood. He gets really angry and screams versus yelling. This is a way for her to feel comfortable going with him, because she knows that if daddy turns mean all she has to do is call and mommy will be right there for her.

I don't want to not let her see him, because she does love him. I am lucky that she understands that it's not daddy, but satan controlling daddy. She understands that the illness daddy has has satan on some days and daddy trying to get free on other days.

He was depressed yesterday and down. Today he woke up in a really good mood. Played with her all day. She said she had a blast. I actually heard her laughing.

When he's in the good moods is when he's caring towards me. Today when he brought her back it was me who was sleeping. The enemy was doing a good job keeping me down today. I felt like a failure, and I spent the day sobbing. I had finally fallen asleep when they came. He saw that I wasn't feeling good. He didn't know I had been crying, but I looked awful. Even though I did my hair this morning, it fell from the heat, and I didn't put makeup on and I was pale and covered in blankets shivering. The stress of this is taking it's tole on me.

I have had a migrain all night and day. The closer we get to thursday the worse it gets. I've been dreaming thoughts of ending my life too. I've been praying that GOD will keep his armour on me so that I can battle the forces trying to get to me.

I know it's satan putting the doubt in my mind, and making me feel worthless. This is just so rough on me because the 10th anniversary means so much to me.

I am beginning to think that maybe this is my husbands goal to hurt me for our 10th. He was hurt before by me. We spent our honeymoon at disney world. We said our vows inside their wedding chapel when we went to take a glimpse at it. We promised each other we would come back in 10 years and renew them again. We took my daughter there after we adopted her. We wanted to show her the chapel and were excited because we want her to get married in it. He wanted to say our vows again and I couldn't. I didn't feel it was the right time. It would not have been special. It was not the 10th.

Now look at me, thursday will be our 10th and what good does it do me now. He's not even around. Wants nothing to do with me, at least in this mood of his now. I truly believe it is vengance for hurting him.

Our daughter let me know tonight, the reason she told my husband about what I wanted to do for the 10th anniversary was because she wanted to see how mad it made daddy. She was concerned that daddy would yell at me or hurt me, and she wanted to protect me. Bless her little heart.

I explained to her that mommy can take care of herself. I would wait for daddy to be in a good mood. I hugged her and thanked her so much.

Then she said, I love everybody except for that guy in ****** mommy. He has daddy doing things daddy wouldn't do. He is controlling daddy's moods. We have to pray harder for Jesus to control daddy. I explained to her that that is why mommy has 3 bible studies this week. So that a group of us can pray for him.

I also explained that God is being patient with daddy as he helps to try to free daddy from evil, and that we need to be patient with him as well. I also said that we should not talk about that around daddy, because he wouldn't understand right now.

I am so blessed to have a christian daughter. She knows just how to say the right things when I need it.

The first week when my husband left, I was praying for the Lord to bring him back, and she told me I was praying wrong.
She told me I needed to pray for guidance instead.

All this from a 7 yr old. I am blessed. So I pray now that the Lord guide me on the path to follow him. That he helps guide my husband toward salvation. That he guides my husband into seeking professional help for his depression and then he guides him back to the family that loves and needs him.

I pray that the lord watches over all of you and blesses you in your journeys as well.