Our daughter talked with daddy yesterday. He asked her what I was doing, and she said cleaning the pool. Then he told her to tell me that the yard is really looking nice and he appreciates me taking care of the pool.

This coming from a guy that never compliments....I found that odd.

I had asked her the other day why she told daddy about the cigar, and she replied... " I wanted to make sure you would be safe, I didn't know how daddy would take it, and I didn't want you upset, I love you mommy."

I almost cried. She has been so hateful lately and I though she was blaming me. I know now that she is not.

Anyway, my husband called last night then. He talked to her for a minute and asked for me. He asked me to find his birth certificate for a passport for work, and I said ok. I was going to keep it short, but I think God was telling me not to, because as I went to tell him I needed off, I got an anxious feeling. So I actually asked him how his day went. He was very nice about it, and told me what he did at work. Then he proceeded to tell me that he and a few guys from work are meeting in arizona at the end of the month and going to mexico for a trip.

This makes me nervous, because He told me before how he had an offer to be with someone in arizona, and one of the other coworkers who are young had posted before to his myspace page inviting him to come party with her and her friends.

I trust that God is working this, so I won't let it upset me to much. I am just thankful that he has been in a better mood for the last couple of days

I have decided that I will not do anything for our anniversary, but at the time when we said our vows, I will email him "thinking of you...". I won't say that I'm celebrating that day or anything, but he will still know I care.

I had also told him that I may be working 7 days a week soon. He was shocked. I told him that I needed to pay the bills and as usual I will do whatever it takes. I told him I wasn't sure what to do though, because if I do then our daughter and I may suffer in the long run, because that would cut down on the support in the end.

He actually told me " I haven't filed the papers yet, and I'm not completely sure I'm going to." I pray this means that I am reaching him, and that God is reaching him.

So for now, I just have to think about it. I would be able to work 2-10 hour days at that job and be a weekend manager. I would have to give up church for awhile, but I could still go to bible studies. I will have to think of that.


For now I must thank all of you as I think of this scripture, "By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst" Ecclesiastes 4:12

You are all God's angels sent to me at the right time in my life, and I pray that God blesses you all in the way you have blessed me.

INeed,

Have you gotten any legal counsel?

Is WH giving you Any support? Is not, then he should. Before you go working 7 days a week, he needs to take responsibility for his share of the load.

Remember Plan A is not all carrot and letting him totally off the hook financially is Not a good thing

Trip to Arizona and Mexico when you can't make the bills????

Bugs:

Yes he is giving us support, not through the courts yet, but he is paying bills. I may have to go through the court system though if he keeps up his spending habbits.

I had talked with a lawyer on a consultation. Have not hired anyone yet, because I can't afford it. Our bar association offers discounted legal advice, but I can't get that until I am served with papers from his attorney. I am thankful he has not even sent them in. Something is holding him back from filing. I pray that it is God working in him giving him doubt as to if this is the right thing to do or not.

I would go working 7 days a week to pay off my only credit card that my husband used, and to save up money for an attorney, but I really have to think about this because it would affect the amount of support and alimony I would receive.

He won't have hotel bills in mexico, they will be staying with someone. He is paying for his airline tickets, with the stocks that he cashed in on. He doesn't realize that I am entitled to 1/2 those stocks and he'll have to pay me for those later. I have been keeping the emails where he tells me what he needs to spend for his mom, etc. That way they can deduct it later.

I decided not to do anything for my anniversary today, not even the email. My husband doesn't want it recognized, so I must honor him like it says in the bible. If he were Jesus asking me not to recognize it, I would listen.

It will be so hard getting through work today. I did pray and asked the lord to carry me through it, so I know I will be fine. My parents and our daughter and myself are going to dinner tonight, and I invited my best friend and her daughter as well. It's an anniversary party. Even if my husband is not with me, it does not matter because we became one that day, and as one person I can still celebrate the covenant we made with God. So today I celebrate the fact that God joined us together, and the fact that no man should seperate us. Man is not seperating us, satan is, and God can overcome him.

So bless you all today, and keep me in your prayers.

Forgot to mention, He needed his Birth certificate, so I found it and pulled it out.

Yesterday I had 5 calls on my cell during the day and 15 calls at the house. He knows I work til 5:30, so I don't know why he kept calling.

He left a note..." I tried to call to ask. I was on my way home from work, passing the house. I only took my birth certificate and left this note. I don't want to intrude. Sorry and he signed his name, then said HI (daughter) love daddy"

THe note was nice, kind of funny that my surviving an affair book was on the kitchen table where he left the note...

Today was the day I dreaded our 10th anniversary.

I got up and asked GOD to carry me through the day instead of walking beside me. I know he did. I walked with my head held high. At 3:30 when we would have started the wedding, one of my co-workers said, I know what your thinking so what happened this time at your wedding.

I thought back and had to chuckle. The time she asked me was exactly when the head on my Groom made out of balloons blew up. She started laughing then and said "That should have been a sign, you should have baled out then."

Then I said you don't know the 1/2 of it. Our Photograper was a friend of the family and was killed in a car crash 2 weeks before, the DJ we hired got hurt and sent an awful substitute, The minister got called out of town and we had to use a different one, when my husband went to say his vows he was so choked up and nervous that nothing would come out of his mouth so the minister had to ask him yes and no questions, and then there was the cake. Picture going to pick up your cake and when you get there instead of a tiered cake with white roses you get a sheet cake with plastic farm animals and pretzels put together to look like a fence. No I'm not joking !!!!

I tell myself, God got me through all of that, this is no different. I will be patient and wait for however long it takes God to work on my husband.

Hope this cheered you up today !!!

My husband was supposed to put together a wedding video for his cousin. Promised that would be his wedding present for her. He video taped it, borrowed her picture albumns and forgot all about it. I took her pictures back to her yesterday and told her that I will put it together for her. I told her that no matter what he does right now, I have adopted her family into mine and i will never forget about her or her mom.

Since we were only 2 blocks away, I asked our daughter if she wanted to see daddy. At first it was no, then she said yes. So we went to see him. He was asleep at 2pm in the afternoon. She had to knock on his door and yell daddy it's me. He didn't yell to my surprise, but came downstairs and played the WII with her.

Then he got this smug look on his face and he said, I opened my own checking account and when I come back from Mexico my checks will no longer be deposited into the account. I will make sure that you get what you need.

Yea right, So I just downloaded the forms for child support and will turn them in this week. He will be giving me what I need. Child support and Spousal support. I found out from my cousin who is going through the same thing that with our state he will also have to pay part of the mortgage and 1/2 of all energy bills.

I went from thinking I would have to move out of the house and with my parents to having hope for my daughter.

I didn't let it bother me too much there, but my daughter did turn and say to me, mommy why does it look like you are about to cry ?

THe monster snapped and yelled, leave your mother alone.

Yep, he hasn't changed much. I am thinking of forcing the issue of court ordered counceling for him.

Don't want to ruin my chance for good though, So I will be praying diligently for GOD to show me what to do.

At least his mom is now on my side too. She sees what is happening, and is reliving what her own husband did to her.

Please keep "BILL" in your prayers for salvation and that the Lord might heal him from this depression, and make him wake up one day with his eyes and ears focused on the LORD.

THank you all....

As a Christian, I can not put a time frame on how long I am willing to wait this out. I have to wait until God tells me other wise. God is working in him. I saw this tonight.

My husband called in to talk with our daughter. I don't know exactly how I answered the phone, but he sounded concerned as he asked, "Is everything alright?"

I answered, yes it is, just busy getting ready to leave.

After he talked with her, I asked to speak with him. I told him that he would be receiving paperwork in the mail for a court date for child support and spousal support.

He then said to me, "Let me guess, I open my own checking account and now I'm the monster and you can't trust me."

I said "You are right I can not trust you. I've been hurt and taken advantage of by my first husband. You are acting very similar and I need to look out for our daughter's best interest. You have already shown that I can't trust you after going and buying the WII when you already knew that I said we did not have the money because of the car repairs."

He said to me, "What car repairs?"

I replied, "That is the other reason I can't trust you, your illness."

He replied, "Now I'm manic exactly like my father is that what you think ? I'm going nuts."

I replied, "I'm not saying that you are or are not bi-polar like your father. A lot of your actions are very similar to the symptoms of it. All I am saying is that you are depressed whether you want to admit it or not. You go through mood swings and from one swing to the next you don't remember saying or doing something."

He said "That is a lie."

I said, "Why was I so happy the last time you were over then?"

He replied, "Because I helped you around the house."

I said, "Yes that made me extremely happy, but the big bear hug and the Kiss meant more to me than anything."

He said, "I did not,"

I said, "Ask your daughter"

He said , "I only did that for show for her."

I replied, "You only did that for show....let's see you normally give me a one handed see you later pal hug infront of our daughter and you normally don't kiss me. "

I also replied, "and take her being in the hospital, and you not wanting to come."

He replied, "You talked with me twice, the first time you told me she was having tests, the second time she was going to the other hospital."

I replied, " I called you twice to tell you....yes I did that, but what about the third time the middle call where I said they were going to admit her at that hospital in the pediatric unit to watch over her because of the high fever, and that she wanted daddy to come because they were going to be administering an IV."

He replied, "No, I only talked with you twice."

I replied, "Sweetie, when you are in those depressed moods you only remember some of what you say or do. I don't want to argue, but I can go online to my call log and prove to you how many times we talked. I'm not out to say I'm right you're wrong. I just want to point out that you do or say things that you don't remember, and I believe that a doctor could help you."

He replied, "Yes I'm a monster just like my dad"

I replied, "You think you are a monster just like your dad?, I think you are the husband I fell in love with 10 years ago and I believe that the part of you I fell in love with wants to come out and doesn't know how. I believe that with a little medication and prayer everything will be fine."

He then replied, "You make me seem like a monster telling our daughter that I smoke. She thinks I'm bad."

I replied, "I apologize if she knows you smoke, she heard me telling someone I wanted to buy you a good cigar for our anniversary along with something to go with it."

He replied, "I was nice to you I didn't call you then either."

I replied, "It is a good thing that you did not call that night because your daugher and I were at our anniversary party."

He was shocked, "Our anniversary party ? Yea, who'd you go with ?"

I replied, "Yes our party, that is the day that you and I said our vows and became one, so even if you weren't there in person, you were in spirit and that is the day that I was thanking God for bringing you to me and joining us together, and praying that he lets no man seperate us. I went to dinner with Mom and Dad, My best friend, and a few others, I even invited your parents to go."

His mood started changing...niceness came out of him more.

I decided since he was in a good mood I would ask. " You and I had agreed before to not speak for the entire month of June and then get together in July to sit down and speak. Is that something you would still like to do, or would you rather just forget it ?"

He replied, "I think that maybe that is something I would like to do, but I don't want to get your hopes up."

I replied, "You don't want to get my hopes up, I understand that. I also understand that I need to show you a contract that you will sign and go over a few things with you about what would happen if you were to want to come home and how things will be different."

He replied, "A contract you have to be joking, right?"

I replied, "Yes a contract, there will be a few things that you have to agree to if we are to work this out. I said it's not the If I do this then type of clause, but it is an agreement that will help me fulfil your ultimate goal and my ultimate goal."

He replied, "Like you know what my goal is."

I replied, "My ultimate goal is to give you your ultimate happiness, and God has shown me how. He has given me the instructions and I am ready to follow them. Yes, I believed in God before, but I was not following him. I am now and he gives me clear instructions on how to provide your happiness."

He replied, "If it took me leaving to show you how to make me happy then it's not worth it.

I replied, "It did not take you leaving me to make me realize, remember it is not our time, but God's time. It was God's time right before you left when I started changing, but you were ready to give up on US. You are the one that is giving up on Me and God both."

He replied, "I have not turned my back on God. You don't know that."

I replied, "I'm not saying that you completley turned your back, but that your focus is not directed on him, and you are off of the path leading towards him. God does not like adultery, so can you tell me that you are following his word when you do that ? God does not like divorce, can you tell me you are following his word doing that? I'm not out to judge you, I love you with all my heart. God brought you to me in a time when I needed someone in my life. God allowed us to join in Holy matrimony, this was his plan, otherwise we would have had something stop our marriage. And this is God's plan now...I know that it has brought me closer to HIM and HE has shown me how to respect you. I know that it doesn't matter when, but God will bring you back to me again."

He then replied, "Let me give you a if statement, it is not to upset you but just an if, it's not happening right now. But what would happen if I found someone and fell in love with her and got married, what would you do then."

I replied, "God has shown me that I am to take a stand for my marriage, that I am to uphold my vows. I already have an escape clause. I could leave because of the affair. I have asked God what he would like me to do, and my answer was to be patient and wait. How long I have to wait is for God to decide. 2 months, 6 months, 10, 20 or 99 years. God told me to be patient and wait, and that is what I will do. I have become so close to him now, that it is great when he speaks and answers me. I have been able to minister to people finally and I will do what ever he says.
If you get married, God may not bless the marriage and you may end up divorced and eventually back to me. God has shown me that he is moving mountains to bring you back to me, I can wait for however long that may be."

His voice softened more, and he sounded more and more like my true husband.

I said to him, "I realize that you may still want to leave, I realize you may still want this divorce, I also realize that I love you with all my heart, and I can watch you do it, but that does not mean I will stop praying for you to get over this depression, it also means that I will not stop praying for God to bring you home. Our daughter needs us both, and I need you as well. You are the helper that God intended me to have and I will not give up on you."

Then he just started chatting about anything and everything. I was nice about his trip to Mexico even while he made it a point to say that it's not to see anyone, but just with coworkers. I know there is a coworker that he named his laptop after who likes snorkeling and mentions the trip on his myspace page. I felt like mentioning it. But by the grace of God I did not. I just replied, "I understand, and I don't have a problem with you going to mexico. You deserve a chance to rest and relax. You work hard and are a hard worker."

He said that he really does want to get together to talk and when next week ? I said, you know I have an assignment for you to do, but I want you to do it after you come back from Mexico.

I said when you come back I want you to write down on a piece of paper or at least truly go over it and keep it in that brain of yours. "If we were to get back together, what is it I could do for you to ensure your happiness." I said, I know that you still have your doubts, but this would help.

He said, "I have thought about coming home, but if I were to come home and we went back to the same routine and I slipped into deeper depression, I would not be able to handle it. THen what would happen to our daughter if I left again."

I replied," It's okay to have your doubts. I wish I had a magic mirror or glass to let you see the outcome. All I know is that with God leading my life do you think that he would wish it to be bad ? Do you think God wants us to divorce when he says himself that He hates divorce ? Do you think that I would want to go back to my depression ? No, I want your happiness, that is my ultimate goal. If you are happy then I am happy and then WE are happy."

I suggested the middle of August for our talk. I told him that I realizes he can't set up a date because of how he works, but that we would play it by ear that week and let our daughter go somewhere else to play so that we can talk with each other.

I even said chuckling, I know a place, then I said better now, we may end up not talking.

He started to laugh, and said oh yea....where ?

I reminded him of the one motel we went years ago.

At least I created a happy memory. And we have a tentative arangement set up for the middle of August. That gives me plenty of time for all of your input as to how you think, or what you think we should talk about.


Input appreciated.....PLEASE ????

INeed,

Sorry I am not in a position to give a good step by step analysis of the conversation, I will leave that for someone more experienced.

I see some good here. He gave you some glimpses of what he is thinking, but also remember that some of it is also WS justifications.

Overall, I think you did great. I would advise less Telling him what he is doing and a bit less talking on your part overall. Let HIM open up.

I don't know about telling him you'd wait 99 years for him. He has to know there IS a limit and that there will come a time for you to withdraw from him.

His comments of 'what if I met someone' is a pretty big clue. I think this says he has met someone. Now, whether he is still active in the A, who knows.

I have a difficult time evaluating much of your sitch due to the depression and potential mental illness sitch, sorry.

Am rooting for you.

Husband called at 10:45 wanting to talk to my daughter. He knows she goes to bed at 7:30. THis seems to be a pattern when he's bored. He calls and talks with me.

THe conversation went well. I asked him about work, and made it sound like I was interested in what happened. He said he was going out of town and would be at the hospital by the casino the next day and said he would probably be stopping there. I told him to play a game for me.

Next day, I Went to the courts and filed for support. Our hearing will be August 13th.

When I got to work, I emailed him to let him know the date.
He emailed me back and I asked for his attorneys fax number so I could fax her a copy so that he doesn't delay it.

I told him that our daughter was at a ball game and to pray that it stopped raining so that she would have fun.

I then emailed and told him to drive safely and to play a game for me.

He emailed me back and said, "you are kidding right ?"

I said "No, Play a round for me."

Normally I would get upset about the casino. I wanted to let him know that I am interested in his happiness also, just like I said the other day.

Our daughter has not called him at all this week. I have asked her if she wanted to, but she's said no.

I have found her happier since I disconnected the answering machine and let everything go to voicemail now. She doesn't hear his messages anymore.

I was thinking about him alot today, so I just quickly typed

"Thinking of you...." I didn't get a response, but I didn't really expect to either.

I'll just pray harder....

I was excited today. Stepped on the scale and lost 5 more pounds this week. I have now dropped 80 so far !!!

INeed,

Good stuff! You are right, he calls to talk to YOU. The need for conversation, excellent!

Glad you are protecting yourself and DD legally & financially. Great!

Good work on positive reaching out to him w/messages. However, a word of caution. You say his going to the casino in the past was a problem. Should recovery happen, will it be a problem again?? If so, do NOT encourgae it. This would be sending the wrong message. Caring about his happiness (Plan A) does NOT mean condoning bad behaviors or setting him up to believe a behavior is OK now, only for it not to be OK later.

How old is your daughter? I am glad not hearing his messages is better for her, but is is important to try to foster a relationship between them as best you can. I know it is a fine line to walk.

Finally, I just want to say it is good to see you taking action! Prayer is good, helpful, and necessary but we have to remember He helps those that help themselves. Take action in line with the word.

Have a great day!

Daughter is 7 yrs old.

She does not want to call him, but if she hears the phone ring and it's him her voice says "It's daddy, It's daddy" on the phone then she gets excited to talk. I have a phone where you can set different ringers.

After she said she didn't want to speak with him I emailed him and let him know I was working on it with her and I felt if he tried calling she would talk.

He did call right away then and they talked for about 10 minutes. She blew him a kiss from mommy on the phone and I heard her say excitedly that Daddy said thank you very much mommy. I though for sure he was going to ask for me, He didn't though.

She let him know that we went to church with the neighbor and I could tell he wasn't too happy. He and the neighbor used to be good friends, but when he went into this stupid depression he gave up all friends including the neighbor and actually started arguments with him , and then quit talking with them. I heard our daughter say, "No he's not bad like you thought daddy. He's really nice and I liked their church, it was fun."

I used to get upset about the casino, because he would stop there and not call home to say he wouldn't be coming. I would find out late that night. It's only an hour if that away from us and I would have liked to have spent time with him there as well. I also worry because his father is a huge gambler and I didn't want him to get like that.

We'll see what the next couple of days brings.

INeed,

Poor DD! With my DD being 6, they are very close and I can relate. They want their "life" back. It's so so hard to prepare them as best we can for whatever outcome may be.


Keep hanging in there!!

We were supposed to go to the custody / spousal support hearing on the 13th.

Today I get an email from my husband saying that the hearing will have to be rescheduled.

Then he emails me again saying that his lawyer needs to know and speak to my lawyer.

I emailed him back and said, but I thought you said she won't talk with me.

He emails back and said right, have your lawyer call her.

I replied back, I have none.

He said, I thought you were going to borrow money.

I replied, I was going to, but that's not where I want to go. I would rather sell my wedding rings, and my other jewelry to pay for it myself.

He then replied, "Don't you dare ! You can sell the truck and use the money from that."

I replied, "The truck is in your name, and that is part of the settlement of property agreement that you and I made for you to give your lawyer, it is yours not mine."

He did not respond after this. I did find it funny that he is postponing the hearing. We will be getting together before that. I also think it's great that he doesn't want me to sell my rings.

Maybe that made him think a bit... I can only pray...

I am seeing that the longer my daughter goes without seeing him the happier she is. My best friend commented on how many hugs she's been getting lately from my daughter. She commented on how when she sees her daddy she won't come anywhere near my friend.

It's things like this that make me ask GOD if I am doing the right thing STANDING for my marriage.

Did you ask WHY the hearing is being postponed?

It is good he does not want you to sell your rings, but it is probably not a good idea to discuss ANY legal matters, including your arrangements for representation with your WS. You are in Plan A, so stick with that and avoid the other

Please tell me you are not seriously going to try to go through this whole thing without experienced representation. This is your life, your future, as well as your daughter's future that is at stake. WS is taking trips, going to the casino, and yet you are worried about hiring an A to secure your DD's future??

Do what you have to do to hire someone and then put in the papers that WS has to pay YOUR legal fees.

My husband called yesterday and asked if he could come over for an hour. My daughter asked if it was okay. I told her yes, and then she said, "but I don't want to see him."

I told her she would have to tell him. She threw the phone to me. I just asked, "did you hear our daughter ?"

He said no. SO I said I told her yes it was fine if you want to come over, and she replied that she doesn't want to see you.

He said he didn't want to force her and to just tell her that daddy loves her.

His voice on the phone has been more upbeat, but I'm trying not to talk too much to him.

Early this morning he emailed. He was getting on the plane at 5:00 am. I sent an email saying that we were praying for him to have a safe trip, and to be able to enjoy himself.

I then said that we love him as much as the Lord does, and that we would be praying for him to come home to the family that MISSES him, NEEDS him, and Loves him.

There was no reply to that. But he did send an email letting me know that the plane landed and they were going to San Carlos Mexico.

I am fine with all that.

So tonight I was telling my mom how I've been praying. She is telling me that I don't know how to pray. That what I am praying is not meant for us for today. She has me so down and hurt.

She just wants me to give up. She doesn't understand that God has not told me to give up yet. It gets to be so hard to understand. She did not give up on my father when he left, so why should I ?

If anyone has any encouragement, today would be a good day for that.

Usually friends and family will tell us to give up. It is because they care about us and they follow the conventional wisdom that one is better off without a cheater.

This stuff takes way more time than we would like. Be patient. It sounds like you are doing well.

Believer is exactly right. You family and friends, like mine, only see your hurt & pain and want it to stop because they are about you.

However this is Your life, your M, and Your decision. It is up to you to decide and say if/when enough is enough. Trust yourself and take care of yourself while doing what you know is right for you.

Look around here and see just how long some of these folks took to make it to Recovery---but they Did make it. I am not saying to use anyone else's timeline, you have to set your own based on your sitch. I am merely pointing out, as Believer did, that it takes time. Folks IRL generally do not understand that.

You will need to decide who you can and can not share everything with about your sitch. Not because someone does not care, but because they do not/can not understand. Sometimes it is just better not to give everyone all of the info - it will save both sides in pain & frustration and help maintain those R's.

Hope your day and weekend are enjoyable!

Your mom loves you and just doesn't want to see you in pain but she is wrong. All four of my children and extended family told me to "just get over it and move on" because my DH was GONE. It was a lonely place. But YOU are fortunate in that you have all of us here at MB to help you through this.

Keep praying... ask God to "break" your DH. Ask Him to send people in his path that will touch his heart. God does answer prayers... although sometimes it's in ways that we least expect.

Focus on you and your daughter for now. Let God handle WH.

Princess Meggy:

Thank you. Sometimes I just need to hear the same type of advice I give others. It is easy to give it when it's not you.

I have been praying that the Lord will soften his hear and open his eyes, and that others would be able to help him understand the sinful ways.

It just seems like the longer it goes the harder it gets. I want him back home before a divorce.

I have read your stitch and felt so bad for you. I am glad that it worked out.

I do trust that God is working this.

I have been trying to do everything for my daughter and myself. We went and saw the oscar meyer weiner mobile yesterday, a parade today.

My daughter and I are close. My husband works traveling all the time, so he was only home on weekends and sometimes only once or twice a month. That is what made this so hard.
It's no different now then when he traveled, except for my heart breaking that he has not come back, and the fact that he has cheated on me.

It is so hard to understand. My husband has always been against cheating and for marriage. I know it is the depression , and I keep praying that the depression may be lifted so that he can come out of the fog.

Tomorrow we go to an amusement park, and later today school shopping.

Thank you all for your words of encouargement....

Good morning, INeed!


Hope this New day finds you feeling a bit better!

How was the amuzement park & shopping yesterday? Sounds to me like a perfect girl's day out!

I'll tell you a little secret,,I am jealous you got to see the weinermobile! One of my prize posessions is a Wiener Whistle!! (no rude comments anyone!) LOL!