Hi Lindy,

I just posted to you on Married's thread so I won't duplicate here.

Glad you're reading, seeing an MC who is helping you, and that your H is treating you with the respect you want and deserve.

I'm getting ready to update my "Trials & Smiles" thread, which just fell off the front page of the recovery forum. That takes a long time....guess I shouldn't wait so long.

Something you mentioned will be a part of that update:

You mentioned how nice your H was (on the other thread) but that he had said the same things when he was hooked up with the OW.

My H's niceness now is almost a trigger in itself....he was this nice last summer when he was still in contact with that OW, so it cheapens his impact. But I do see a difference in that he does not get angry when I trigger like he did last summer while they were secretly trying to 'just be friends' with no more phone sex. Small consolation, huh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well.....I've got to get to work but I hope to update that thread tonight or tomorrow night.

Again, glad you're back to posting. I was off a bit last week and noticed my attitude getting bunchy. I guess I need MB more than I realized. My H wants me to post, too, as he noticed my edgeiness (sp?) as well.

Ace

P.S. What do you teach? If it's English, I don't mind if you red-pen me. How DO you spell "edge-i-ness" and is it even a word? How's this ~~~> "I was on the edge all week"!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I teach kinder so three letter words are my expertise but I do not think edgieness is a word. Am anxious to go to MC and hear his version to a third party. Will post after Wed.

Yeeeeaaaaaa! Kindergarten. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Earliest impressions are the most important. I used to be a remedial assistant K-6. Loved it.

Looking forward to hearing about your next MC session.

Ace

Ace, did your H have a physical affair or just phone sex or internet sex or whatever it is they call it.

My H's reason is that since I moved, he was lonely (which to me is bull as I was an hour away and our sex life was actually the best part of our marriage). So if it was sex, I was an hour away and willing.

I know I contributed to the downfall of the marriage itself and separating was I thought my only option. It wasn't and I know that hurt and angered him. But I could understand lonely and talking to a friend but why did there have to be sex-that is what I hope to hear to the MC tomorrow.

Hi Lindy,

As my attached link describes, my H had a 'soulmate friendship' which progressed into regular phone, email and (maybe even video) sexual exchanges. They were just starting to discuss how/where/when they might meet when H accidentally left his email account open and was discovered by DD27. She waited a week for DS25 to be available to help her confront their dad. That was a year ago June 06.

WH was repeatedly caught but just went further underground and took full advantage of our then-MC who said to just forgive and "blindly trust that God will take care of things." After 3 D-Days and nearly 2K in MC fees, I found SAA, which then-MC downplayed as being undocumented scientifically and 'just one man's experiment'. (!) Wish that MC had a money-back guarantee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> H lied to him successfully all summer.

After 4 D-days, we quit seeing that MC and I found this forum and registered for posting 6 months ago. (We now have a new/old MC---who we used to see 20 years ago but b/c he and H became friends, we avoided him on D-Day #1. He embraces MB principles....is even tougher in some ways. His impact and MB have saved our marriage.)

From what I've read, on the "trust-ometer" the breach due to lying is nearly the same in virtual or physical sex. But on the 'egregious behavior-ometer' it seems like a PA is worse, especially when combined with the emotional attachment. (The ONS with no emotional investment fits on the list somewhere....maybe it's not as bad except for the STD factor.)

I never want to find out how much worse a PA is verses an EA. Others have their opinions based on having both.

Have you read my Mr. Romance Saga? If you make time to read it (linked below), please let me know what you think.

You mentioned hoping to hear "why" tomorrow at your MC session. I've posted a link for Marriedfor30yrs on triggers and how 'need-to-know' habits have backfired by recreating 'triggers' in my mind. Parts of the thread might apply to your sitch, too. Here it is.

My H still has a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that he did what he did......he takes full responsibility but still cannot (for whatever reason) answer the 'why' part of the equation totally. Sure, I'd like to know, but my 'forcing' him to make up reasons is not productive. MC said that we'll eventually understand 'why' but for now, we must concentrate on 'how' we are going to focus on solutions. (MC says that basically A's occur from selfishness---and a variety of other reasons.)

Ace

I don't want to invalidate your pain, but I cannot describe the pain knowing sex actually happened, if only twice and with ED prolems on his part (serves him right). Is that my ego getting in the way? The how could he want anyone but me when our sex life was good?

Yes, his PA behavior and my pathetic way of handling it (sarcasm, criticism, screaming, frustration) contributed to my moving and mainly the drinking which infuriated me even more.

He sees all that now and is the model man, a man I don't even recognize if I think about how bad it was 2 yrs ago when I moved. So I just keep telling myself that was another person who was willing to self-destruct his own life and thinking anger was directed at me but now says he really has been angry with himself all this years. Yes, I have been in this mess 22 yrs and wonder why I stayed, we have no kids together, both second marriages and he really does not offer any financial security so I know it is because I really believed in him and he is now that person I believed in but why does one have to fall so low before they climb out. Again, am expecting a lot tomorrow for these questions. Thanks for all your help, read your Romance saga. Lindy

Hi Lindy,


I'm praying that your session goes well today. No need to be concerned about 'invalidating my pain'. I am soooooo thankful that my H only had virtual sex. I wish he only played a game with it without the emotional attachment that I had desired (and had tried to force with me) for the previous 32 years. Having had physical sex with that OW would have been much, much worse....I agree.



You could identify your 'old H' as having an alien posessing his mind and heart temporarily. In that case, it was another person. He was in the 'alien-induced fog' that is still a choice but a very destructive force in the meantime.

My challenge (and possibly yours as well) is that I have a healthy memory and an incessant "need to know details" personality. H forgives (and forgets) quite easily and is working very hard to help me by being transparant, willing to talk and answer questions over and over again and refraining from sighing and rolling his eyes.

I need to give him more credit, but my fear is that he will give up before I "get it". More about that when I update my "Trials & Smiles" thread on the recovery forum.

Let me/us know how your session goes today.

Ace

PS Mr. G.....are you still around? Thanks for starting this thread for Lindy....do you have any other insights to add?

Ace, I posted my husband's letter he wrote for MC on Insight from a WH by flameout I think. Feel free to tell me what you think of it. My fear is that he will give up on me, too, I asked him tonight if he thought I was going to get through this and he said he did with this MC, our first MC a year and half ago just said if the affair lasted two months, rule of thumb, you should be over it in two months, when I think about that she should lose her license to practice. I thought something was wrong with me. Now after reading all of these posts, I am normal, well normal in pain anyway!

I am a details, analytical person like Flameout described and my H is laid back and just don't think about it kind of guy, if only I had that gift. I, too, have a good memory, especially for dates.I asked him when he had sex and neither he nor she (I asked her too) could recall. I finally think I pinpointed it by cell phone and the weekend I was out of state. Why did I need to know this-I don't know. I rely on sleep aids because my mind is racing all evening even if not upset, just cluttered up all the time. My H can fall asleep in 2 min no matter what we have discussed. How fair is that? I think I will post my email on here as I saw someone do that and think you and I must have a lot in common (age, need to know all) so if you would like to email ( I don't know if that is ok on these boards) it is lswheeler@yahoo.com

Lindy,

Saw your husband's letter. Glad you're realizing that your reaction to all of this is like the rest of us. You're not alone....many of us are working through the same things and pulling for you and each other.

Heading out of town and may not be able to have access to a computer until next week.

I will email you when I can.

Thanks,
Ace