Hmmm what a day - and the plot thickens...

Over the holiday a client of ours emailed us about an ongoing project. The client came in Tuesday evening after XH left and mentioned moving forward with his project this weekend.

The last time XH mentioned his vacation plans, he told me he intended to leave on the 7th - this Saturday. He was waiting for a bonus on his end-of-month pay to buy his ticket, a week in advance, thus leaving this weekend.

Well... I haven't heard a word since about the vacation, although I did ask him to let me know when his plans were set (for the business). When the client emailed about moving forward on Saturday, XH said he'd be there.

So... I guess he's not leaving this weekend. Heck I don't know if he's going at all... hoping not *g* but I'm more or less still waiting for that other shoe to drop, and trying hard not to read too much into anything.

Yesterday we were closed, and the kids and I went out for the day. On Tuesday night after XH left there was an issue he needed to see to, so I called him to ask if he'd take car of it, which he did. When I came in yesterday to check on things in the morning, there was a problem with one of the devices that XH has been working on. I tried to call him to tell him about it, no answer and he didn't return my call - but he did see to it when he came in to take care of the other matter I'd asked him about the night before.

Normally when we're closed for a whole day I check on the place morning and evening - but I was tired last night and didn't check - well that "device" failed overnight and I came in to a major flood and systems shut down. I called XH at work at 9:00 this morning, and he left work to come and fix the problems. He was here for 4 hours and left to go to work again - not sure if he'll be in again later this evening - doubtful as he'll probably have to make up for lost time at work.

Normally he does not come in Fridays (sometimes he does, but usually not) - and since he's apparently not leaving on Saturday I guess I'll see him then.

I'm really curious about the whole vacation (or non-vacation) thing - but I'm not going to ask.

When I mentioned that I had come by the shop yesterday morning but was "too tired" to come by last night, he got curious as to why... asked if the kids and I went to watch fireworks or whatnot. We watched the town fireworks from our driveway - so I disclosed that, but nothing about the rest of the day's activities - let him wonder (mysterious, right?!) He didn't "fish" for anything further.

While he was here working, I carried on about my day as usual - let him do his thing in the back - I did not ask what he did yesterday or anything. Trying to cut back on the social chatter a bit. I can't Plan B, but I can keep some stuff to myself and be a bit mysterious, and perhaps appear a tiny bit apathetic to his activities.

How am I doing so far?

JinGA

Did I do the right thing or wrong thing here?

In the biz we belong to a barter exchange - I just got an email for "Ghost tour" tickets on the exchange... XH is big-time into ghost hunting, and just bought himself a camcorder last week to do just that (infrared, night vision...)

I forwarded him the newsletter and said, "I thought this might be of interest to you" - he said it was, and perhaps the kids too (DD thinks it's "lame" - DS is into it but he's a skeptic... I've asked him questions about it - but I'm largely a skeptic about being able to 'photograph' ghosts but I'm open-minded about the paranormal - but I don't have an educated opinion either way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

On one hand, sharing that with him and giving him an opportunity to take the kids on an outing is "good Plan A"... showing interest in his hobby and doing something nice in making that opportunity available to him. He wouldn't know about it if I hadn't sent him the notice.

And NO he won't be getting me a ticket - if he did I'd be extremely surprised - but that was not my expectation or motivation. I just thought he (and the kids) would like to do this.

OR... should I have stuck with Plan "FU" and just kept it to myself? (More in line with the 180... Plan "FU" is a joke I borrowed from another poster here *g* )

I've done it already - sent him the memo and he'll likely take the kids (a good thing) - after the fact I wondered if it was the right thing to do, or should I just have let the opportunity to do something nice for him pass, without his being aware of it?

JinGA

I don't think Plan FU applies to your situation. That's reserved for an entitled wayward meeting a BS finally standing up for themselves.

I think giving attention isn't a bad deal.

Very hard to judge not seeing his take on things. He may interpret everything as simply being friendly with you for the sake of the kids and because he considers you a friend and nothing more.

I really don't think he'll come around until he gets the feeling you're really moving on.

BD, can you please help me define, "Moving on"? I believe I *am* moving on, yet I have been given this same piece of advice several times and I'm not sure what I'm missing about that - I thought I was moving on.

I go to work every day at a business we co-own. *I* am trying to sell the business - *we* need to sell it - *I* am doing all the work to that end - at least the administrative part. When we decided to sell it, he did a few extras toward that (giving a bit more curb appeal) but now he just does "regular" stuff - nothing "extra" to help make it more saleable.

I come home, have supper with my kids, on "early" nights we might go out geocaching or whatever. I taxi my kids around to this or that as needed and on the rare day off that I have, we go out and do things.

I have friends that I socialize with. Not so much right now - summer everybody's busy going on holiday ('cept me - I can't get time off since I'm the only full time person at the biz)...but otherwise I have breakfast with a girlfriend a few mornings a week during the school year, and other friends (married couple, our daughters are friends) that I socialize with, sometimes at their place, sometimes at mine, sometimes we all go out, sometimes I go out with the wife for dinner.

I get conflicting "messages" here and I don't want to misinterpret. On one hand I'm not interested in dating - yet I get the feeling that it's being implied that if I "moved on" (again) with another man (ie dating) this might rattle XH into action. However as I stated I don't want to date anybody, and it would be stinky unfair to date somebody if I was doing it as a means to an end to make XH jealous or whatever.

My life IS going onward. I'm a bit tethered to the business right now - but I'm trying to sell it. If the individual who is currently entertaining the paperwork makes a suitable offer, I'd likely stay on there - but XH would be "relieved" of his job there (prospective buyer doesn't necessarily want to keep XH on, and XH has not expressed an interest in staying on - he's got a real job).

If that prospective buyer doesn't make an offer, the business will be listed with a broker (likely within the next couple of weeks as the current prospect needs to go or get off the pot...) - then my future with the business is as negotiable as the furniture. A new owner may wish to keep me on, or they may wish to do it themselves - I'm OK with either eventuality, I'm not afraid to have to start over again - I can do any job I set out to do, and I've worn a lot of hats over the years. No job is harder than mothering children, and running the biz is a close second. Anything else will be relatively easy - and if I can get regular hours (even in my current job) and a steady paycheck, so much the better! Business ownership isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be.

Perhaps once the business is sold and he's "out" of it - then he'll realize that I'm moving on. Perhaps not. Otherwise, I'm not sure what else I can do to show him that I'm moving forward.

I post a lot here about details, but I play my cards closer to the vest in his presence. My postings are often "talking to myself" but it helps me keep a timeline - and sometimes reading later, what I thought or felt on a particular day, is helpful to me, even if nobody else has 2 cents to chime in <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Since I had "the talk" with him - I've backed off. There will be no more such talks, unless he's the initiator. I've let that go. He knows how I feel (said he knew it all along), I was crystal clear that the ball is in his court now.

He's also the kind of person to give up if he thinks there's no hope - I think that played a large part in why the divorce came to be in the first place. When the going gets tough, he often gives up. Not always - but he has admitted in the past that he has a very defeatist attitude. I don't "see" that so much in him anymore, but during the depths of his depression, I saw that a lot.

Part of me fears that if I send the "wrong" message - that if he thinks I've given up completely, he'll just accept that, no matter whether he feels there's a chance or not - and just walk away, defeated. Like I said, I think that is part of the dynamic that got us here...

I was always the one that fought for us. If he did fight for us, he did it in ways that weren't obvious to me.

Like I said - I do feel that my life is moving forward, regardless. In how I feel for him, I may be in a bit of a holding pattern, but other areas of my life are moving on, as well they should, for me and for the kids. I don't know how else I can "move on" but I'm all ears for suggestions.

JinGA

Hey Jin - Haven't posted to you in a while. Sorry. Been kind of caught up in my own drama (read: pity party). I have been keeping up with your thread though. Sounds like not much has really changed in the last couple of weeks. I honestly think that you're in a holding pattern until your XH takes his vacation, because so much of how you want to move forward seems to involve him. I get the impression that this is self-imposed. I don't know if that's what you want or not. I'm not even getting a vibe or impression that you necessarily know either. Does that make sense?

How about a modified Plan A? A more personalized version; call it Plan A, rev 2. (yeah, I'm in IT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> ). Continue to be nice to him; not because you want a reaction or response, but because that's who you want to be. I had to be reminded of this myself recently which is why I'm offering it up here.

Meanwhile, think of some things that you want for yourself. How would you conduct your life if he really did up and move out to his GF's state tomorrow? Consider that as a method for moving forward. Be nice; to XH and to EVERYONE. But start planning your personal life independent of him and independent of your kids to a degree. Is there anything outside of those 3 people that leave you unfulfilled? Perhaps not another man, but maybe just a hobby or an interest that you've alway had? Something that you can be selfish with and not share?

Just throwing some stuff out there. Good luck and hang in there.

Moving on...many meanings...

Hey, Jin...

I've clicked on your thread like twenty times...and backed away, away, away...could not come up with one thing to contribute.

How 'bout that? You know I can post without a point.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Finally something occurs to me...and I click and look, there's SB, just saying it for me.

ROFLMAO

So, I'm going at this my way...I appreciate you bearing my repetition.

What I see is you staying fully aware, brave and true to yourself, to your desires and goals. I see you posting here when no response comes...to chart, see and know...to share. I see you choosing to 180 with a Plan A twist (or something close to that)...and I see you helping yourself by helping others...being there, being faithful and true in a lot of ways.

What I don't see is you changing the premise of your life. Changing what you live from entirely...and I gotta tell you...my not posting to you is because I've wanted with all my heart for you to be remarried to your H...I really have...and my fear was that something I'd say would screw that up.

LOL

No kidding. Giving you a glimpse of my really foggy thinking.

So here's the deal...you remind me that you choose your actions...and I'll remind you that doing an authentic 180 is very much like Plan A...it is you focusing on what you control...which is you. I see your life as full and busy...with high awareness of all the ways H can be included...and what I don't see is you inviting him often...lots of opportunities (a few times...like the cool dinner with kids one time) to connect. Because that's what this is...you moving on by being very aware of how you connect and disconnect with people.

Where an invitation is not backed away from for fear of response or lack thereof. Where it's extended and you let the outcome go. Where you thrive in your life and it flows over into all your connections...including with H.

Where you can say aloud..."I appreciate you not sharing anything about YGF (that's my acronym for her...yucky girlfriend) with me." Classy and clear. You make your relationship with him about you and him...your invitations, your sharing O&H and letting his response go.

As SB said...making your choices to say and do from who you really are...not based on what he may or may not feel, think, believe or perceive, or possibly view you.

To me, that's truly moving on...from who you once were to your whole person right now. To shine, Jin.

And I have wondered...about your sigline...that last line...if you traced your steps to divorce two years ago all the way through...so you could see them as progressive...not reactive...and if you now believe that action truly was your last boundary enforcement...totally reasonable...not needed...chosen. And to align yourself to understand humans do what they want...and they do not do what they don't want.

Shocking, I know. What I think you mean is that you wished it had been different...that he'd been different...you wanted to stay married to the man he was when you married...and at the time you divorced, he wasn't that man...not what you wanted, what you needed...and I wonder if that phrasing has stuck in some part of you...and if you'd like to revisit it to know you did want to divorce...and you do want to reconcile...well-thought out, owned and a great goal you've chosen, by you, for you.

And I wonder from your posts how much time you spend on wondering where you have no power...(as you can see, I DO THIS)...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Where's your meditation time, your reading, your serenity for you time, Jin? I know you love the geocaching...I think that meets your ENs for admiration, appreciation, attention and self- companionship, as well as with DS. I wonder, though, if it has an ingredient in distraction, too.

Wow...I am just going on and on with all those thoughts I had and didn't post. :::: Well, it takes what it takes, eh?

LA

Hey, SB - been peeking in on your threads too - just not much to offer from me right now - but you're in my thoughts and prayers.



Actually, it has. I'm no longer carrying around all kinds of angst about wanting to tell him how I feel, wondering how he'll react... I've done that - so a burden has been lifted. He knows - and now I can place that in God's hands and do my best to be at peace with that. It's true that I still have to work on that at times, but it's a lot easier than it was before I spoke to him about it. I placed that with XH and with God - now I've let go of the "control" aspect of it. Small step towards growth - but a step none the less.


I'll plead guilty to that to a point <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'm not living and breathing and making choices based on what happens next with him - no, I'm getting on with life - but I am sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop with the GF, because I think once that's done, and he's had some time alone, he *may* consider my words to him. However, I do understand that this may not ever happen - so I'm not sitting here letting life pass me by in the meanwhile - but perhaps I am a bit too "concerned" with what he's doing or not doing. I'll ponder that some and see if I can figure out why that is, and what *I* can do to change that about me.


Clear as mud - but what you say does make sense. I am most definitely my own worst enemy at times. I'm managing to recognize and conquer some of my flaws - perhaps that's one I've overlooked - again more to ponder - thank you for gently pointing that out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


This I *am* doing. And when we talked a couple of weeks ago, and he acknowledged the positive changes I've made, I told him that just because he does not return my feelings, does not mean I'm going to change how I interact with him, and he understood and accepted that. I *am* being nicer to him because I want to and it has become a habit. Learning about people's EN and such, has helped me in other ways too - not just where XH is concerned, but with other friendships too - so that is a good thing and counts toward "personal growth". It's not being on my "best behavior"... it's a change of lifestyle - and once it becomes habit, it comes quite naturally.


I am doing this. If XH vanished tomorrow, I would likely carry on with things as I'm doing now. My friends and hobbies *are* independent of XH, and I socialize with my girlfriends independently of my children as well as with my children. It's hard to have any kind of social life when I work as many hours as I do - but I *make* me-time and kid-time. I have to for my own sanity (or lack thereof!). Work is also a social place, I have many acquaintances there and such - so I do have a pretty good thing going, even if XH was gone tomorrow - I'd still have a full calendar.


And I *do* appreciate the insight. It helps to hear somebody else's perspective, so thanks for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Wow... well I'm glad you've replied now - lots to talk about here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


I can ramble on for hours about nothing *g*!


Still trying to set some goals, but yes.


Yep sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself - but that's OK because I can reflect back and revisit what I was experiencing at that time, and try to figure out why and such. It's good therapy!


Trying to. Sometimes it helps to know that others are in the same boat - or that plenty are in a worse boat. Not that I wish ill on anybody - I don't, but knowing that somebody else is worse off makes my own junk not so bad, and if I can lend support, that helps me too, as well as the person I reach out to. I've pretty much always been that way.


Not sure I understand the statement that you don't see me changing the premise of my life. Please explain?

Nothing you say or do, or nothing I say or do will screw up my chances - because it's out of my hands now. All I can do is keep working on me. If XH is meant to come back, he will. If he doesn't - then he wasn't meant to. I can't control that - so say what you will - it won't "jinx" anything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />



Understood. Where I get muddled is there are some parts of the 180 that seem to contradict Plan A. I actually have a thread here asking some questions about that but they went unanswered.



I am not understanding this one - sorry been a long day. Yes my life is full and busy. Yep, there are times when I or the kids and I are doing things and I think that XH might enjoy... but I did extend invitations before, and he declined. He explained that he did not want to lead me on - so no worries - I'm respecting his boundary and I have not invited him in over a month.

I'm not sure if you're suggesting I do invite him or don't invite him. When I did, he declined - so when he described his boundary - I respected it. Now I do things and do NOT invite him. Not because I fear he'll decline - but because he's told me why he declines. No point in inviting him anyway. And I didn't make special plans in order to invite him - I did the stuff anyway. I didn't plan things *for him*... it was for me, or for my kids and me. If I've missed your meaning here - I apologize, please feel free to set me straight.


I think I addressed this above... I'm still a bit unclear... but I don't "not" invite him because of fear of rejection. He told me why he didn't accept and I respect that as a boundary, not a "rejection"... does that make sense? To invite him anyway, knowing that it would make him uncomfortable to join us, would be disrespecting the boundary he has in place right now. Fine line, perhaps.


Well he doesn't mention YGF much... at least not so much these days. Last time her name came up it was mentioning in passing that the camera bag he was using was hers (I guess she left it when she went back). Maybe I'm not quite comfy telling him I don't wish to hear about her, because I don't want to LB (yep I see the irony in that!)... or otherwise peeve him off. I *can* just let comments about the GF slide.


I'm working on this. Once the "talk" sort of set me free from being a hostage to my feelings (self-imposed, yes), then I was able to let go and be more myself. That's something that needs some fine-tuning on my part, but I am aware and working on it.


I think I understand a bit more, thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm trying to shine - but I think I may always be a work in progress. Hopefully I'll get to the point where there's more work "done" than "undone" LOL!

I've definitely come leaps and bounds from where I was this time 3 years ago... I was a MESS.


Not so sure about changing that sigline. I did not *want* a divorce. I would have chosen to work things out and stay married - but XH's choices vetoed that. I was wanting to postpone the divorce and he even agreed to that. When I first had the paperwork prepared a few months post-separation *he* was not ready, so I backed off, hoping that he'd come around - but things went a different way for both of us. After I did file, I had second thoughts - approached him on it and he was willing to wait a bit, but at the time XH was making some financial choices that were not in the best interest of the kids, the business or myself. Without legal separation in this state, I felt that in order to get through this without financial ruin, I *needed* to proceed in order to survive.

Hence my sigline - it wasn't what I wanted - but it was what I needed at that time. And as much as I regret being divorced now - I still believe it was the right choice at the right time. Divorce can be undone - bankruptcy, foreclosure and such cannot be so easily undone.


Yep - and at the time I was hurt and angry about it. Over time I've mellowed a bit and I've come to understand that he was ill. He was sick with depression. I felt some guilt about "in sickness and in health"... but again, he refused to acknowledge for many years, that *he* had a problem. As far as he was concerned, it was everybody else, and he couldn't see for himself, what was obvious to me.

Once he had that aha moment and got help, HE changed - not just in response to the medications, but he realized it *was* him... but by then the damage was done, and for whatever reason neither of us was able or willing to articulate that and try to reconcile at that time. I do believe it would have been possible before we hit the point of no return - but everything happens for a reason, and that was not God's plan for us.

I do believe that all the junk I've been through - and what I've *put myself* through, have been lessons with a purpose. Now that I've made some dumb choices myself, I'm doing my best to take lessons from those choices, so that the mistakes will not have been for naught.


I did not *want* the divorce. I was one of the few people in court that day, weeping. Even my attorney was surprised at XH's demeanor. Even though his GF was there visiting him that week (nice timing!).. he didn't look happy about it - he looked just as devastated as I did.

Yes the goal is mine - but it may be unattainable - because it is NOT solely my choice, and I'm not in control of all the machinations. Only me. I'm only in control of me. The rest is up to XH and to God.


Boredom at work is a killuh... I am quite sure I stew too much on things because at work I have too much time on my hands. I'm trying to break that cycle by finding more ways to stay busy - but there are times when I just give in to the busy brain.


I pray daily - no set times, but usually in the morning and during slow times, and in the evenings. In fact I probably sit and reflect *too* much. Reading and such in the evenings, or very early mornings (I wake up at crazy early hours sometimes)... and I don't do housework well very early so I use that time to be serene.


I actually love the game. Not sure about admiration or appreciation - it's a "solo" game and there are no winners or losers. It's kind of like golfing alone - it's just you and the ball and your own score (I used to work at a golf course, haven't golfed in years, too expensive here... but I love that game too!) Yes there is an element of distraction - but isn't that what recreation is about? It's a way to de-stress by taking your mind off those things that cause stress, in exchange for some fun. It gets me active, it's time to spend having fun with my kids - BUT sometimes I go out on my own too (like when kids are with XH).

I also crochet, I watch a daytime soap (that is soooooo lame but I've been hooked since I was a teenager) and have a website with a message board (gets 8000 hits a day!)... that "community" is actually way more than a bunch of old biddies talking about a TV show - we're a close-knit community there.

I also love to play bingo but I haven't been for a while - my friend and I used to go each week - but her kids' schedules got the better of her!

So there *is* a bit more to me than may have met the eye. I'd like to think I'm reasonably well-rounded.

I do appreciate the insightful post... gives me more to think about and work on - thanks so much!

JinGA

I did an important thing for me today. I purged somebody toxic from my life. Not XH (he's not toxic anymore).

The man I was involved with, post M, and I had been NC for several months, and I was content with that. I didn't send him a NC letter (it wasn't an A) and he moved out of state and out of my life.

Well a few days ago he sent me an email, updating me on how he's doing - he had some health issues when he left, and the note was just friendly, telling me how he's doing and such, and our brief exchange enabled me to get a bit of closure.

Well today, he emailed me to ask a "favour"... uh huh. I wondered what he wanted when he first contacted me, but it seemed just like a friendly update, and I was able, at that time to tell him clearly that it was over for good (besides his rehabilitation will take a couple of years and he's set with health care providers where he is... so it's not like he was looking to weedle back into my life).

I was angry. I realized then that the contact a few days ago was just buttering me up so he could ask and expect a favour - and homey don't play that. So, I wasn't overly harsh, but I did not mince words. I exposed his scheme to try to get me to do something for him at my expense, told him that I'm not interested, I see things how they are.

I told him I didn't need the stress, it's toxic and I am DONE.

There was no reply to that email, and I doubt there ever will be.

I always try to see the best in people, and I'd tried to see the best in him but at the end of the day, I think he was trying to use my good nature for his own benefit and I'm tired of that game. NO MORE.

I felt kind of bad doing that - but it needed to be done. No more contact, period.

Even though I felt a bit badly about doing that - I feel GOOD that I stood up for myself, didn't allow myself to be taken advantage of (anymore), and I said what I needed to say, eloquently, matter-of-factly and without any possibility of misunderstanding.

Chapter closed. Good.

Many years ago I had a female friend who was toxic. I didn't know/didn't want to realize this - but she stressed me out so much that my "friend" made me more miserable than friendly. After too many years of that I had an epiphany one day and shut her out of my life too ... her last words to me were calling me a *itch for my family and I deciding to move to a new country for then-H to take a better job. It was a hard enough decision to make at that time, and not having love and support from "a friend" made it that much more difficult. She was calling me a *itch for "abandoning" her - ummm no, I was doing what WE believed to be best for our family and I'd hoped she'd be happy for us.

Since then I've learned to recognize toxic people.. sometimes it takes me a while for the lightbulb to come on, but when it does, I distance myself. Friends aren't toxic. Toxic people have no place in my life. I don't harbour resentment or ill will - I just move past them and let them inflict themselves on somebody else.

Since I've done that, I've found that life goes a lot more smoothly.

As for other news, pretty typical day... same old same old. No updates on XH's vacation but I'm just letting that go. He asked DD when her camp schedule was and she asked him when he's going - and he doesn't know now. I find that mildly interesting (second thoughts maybe?) but I'm not going to harp on it, and I'm certainly not going to ask about it. I'm sure if/when he makes plans or whatnot he'll let me know and I'm going to just leave it at that. As long as stuff in the business gets taken care of, that's all I'm going to concern myself with at this point.

XH did help me at the end of the day - I was bringing home a used carpet cleaner that a friend gave me (I had it at the shop) and it needed a minor duct tape repair. He saw me getting the machine out and I asked him where the duct tape was - I was going to fix it myself. He got the tape and taped it for me - so I thanked him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He brought DS home tonight, as XH is going out to "jam with some guys at work" tonight (XH plays guitar, I used to and we used to play together). I told him (via email yesterday) that it sounds like fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll see him at work again tomorrow. I'm still keeping up with Plan A type stuff - it's hardly a "plan" anymore as much as just a way of interacting with him, and sticking to the 180, not asking questions and not volunteering much about my own after-work activities.

He seems a bit withdrawn lately - wondering a bit if withdrawal from the GF may be setting in? Dunno - but he can just get on with it.

I'm still here, still standing, and putting my best foot forward <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Alrighty then... I've been thinking about what you have been telling me about moving on. Here is what I'm thinking about for DD's birthday and please critique my plan.

I mentioned DD's upcoming b'day to XH yesterday but we didn't make any plans. We both know she wants the new Harry Potter book that comes out on the 21st but that's about all we talked about.

DD's b'day is the 24th. She leaves for band camp on the 22nd, so she will be gone on the actual day of her birthday.

The bookstore near here is having a release party at 9:00 PM on Friday the 20th. XH took the kids to a similar party a couple of years ago when another HP book came out.

Sooooo.... DD really only wants the book for her b'day. She has not expressed a desire for a family event including XH the way DS did (I think DD is still kinda pi$$ed at her father over the GF sitch but she doesn't talk about it a whole lot - but I keep the lines of communication open with her).

I'm thinking this: I'm going to go ahead and plan for the kids and I for DD's b'day. On Friday the 20th, take them out for dinner at the restaurant of DD's choice for supper (which is what we all did with DS on his b'day but XH joined us). Then to the HP release party that begins at 9, at the bookstore. Book comes out at midnight - I think by then we'll all be drooping <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> DD gets her book, dinner, attends a party - and if she wants to bring her best bud along with us, I can do that too.

Since DD has not asked to do something including XH (and I did ask her if she wants him to join us and she was non-committal about it), I'm just going to plan this and proceed with it. DD caught me browsing the bookstore's website this morning so she knows what I have up my sleeve... and she's all excited about it.

If XH eventually says something about it, I will simply tell him we have already made plans. If he wants to take DD someplace or whatever on the 21st, Saturday - he's welcome to do that, but our plans are set.

If he does approach me about the HP thing... *should* I invite him to join us? I'm thinking NO because after all, he is not interested in family stuff anymore and he set that boundary, right? Plus, inviting him doesn't show that I'm moving on.

My carrying out plans without including him will demonstrate that I *am* moving on. So are the kids, DD is anyway. I *think* that is the sort of things you folks have been trying to impart to me all along - I'm finally just realizing it now. I can be a bit slow sometimes.

So... what do you think? Good plan? Any tweaks? NO on inviting him, correct?

I appreciate any and all feedback.

JinGA

good for you for recognizing the "hook"

you are responsible for knowing your weaknesses (we all are)

this guy knew where to find your weak spot ... so he went right to it after his initial innocent-sounding salvo

what do you know about this particular weakness of yours?

as in: what need does it serve?

being the good guy?
feeling smart?
feeling needed?

I'm proud of you (again) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Probably all of the above. The "golden rule" and all that. However I don't just be nice to people as a means to an end... so once I recognized that his was a one-sided deal, I put the kibosh on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Normally I'll do anything (reasonable) for anyone, because my *good* friends will do the same. I'm not a "scorekeeper" - I don't count the good deeds done vs. received (although some folks do!)... but friends do things for friends, and can expect a friend in need too.

Thanks for checking in, Pep... would appreciate your input on the b'day sitch (hopefully you might be reading/responding to that).

JinGA

good plan

here's my take on this

IF XH asks to be included in the party ... tell him something like this:

"I'd like that very much if you joined the party. But, you're going to have to ask the birthday girl yourself. She's in charge of the guest list."

a respectful step back from managing their father-daughter relationship is a good thing too

and

*guest list* is ---- ummmmm ---- an interesting position for him to find himself

don'cha'think ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My DD's 18th B-day is next week.

I pre-ordered Harry Potter
they will ship it to her directly

40% off at Boarders !!!!

I'm going to give her the order copy as one of her gifts.

Ah, that's why I love ya, Pep... because you can see things from outside the box <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And that's why I ask... so I can get a more objective perspective.

I'm gonna put that one in my back pocket and use it if the situation arises. I do like that DD will have that option too - since she's kind of hard to read lately I don't want to make assumptions about her... that lets HER make a decision. Very good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's unlikely that he'll actually ask to be included. He's more the sort to feel insulted and go off sulking about it.

However *he* is the one that told me he's not interested...so why should I keep beating a dead horse, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Nope - respecting the boundary HE set.

He'll either be content with that, or he'll change the boundary <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Mine is about to be 15. I thought about pre-ordering, but that's boring <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (and usually requires more forethought - I'm a bit behind the 8-ball right now!)

They had fun at the party a couple of years ago - I'm sure I'll be drooping by 10:00 PM but for her - I'll do it!

JinGA

that's a choice too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

if he sulks he sulks

you can still have a great time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

While I still have your attention, Pep (I hope)...

I've noticed that a lot of these plans rely on reverse psychology...

What if XH has a bit of a defeatist attitude? Meaning, if he truly thinks I'm moving on - he's more likely to throw up his arms and give up, rather than chase after me?

Just thinking about how he was historically - I was the one with all the "fight for us"... he wasn't. But then again, I was the one who finally hit the eject button.

Just wondered about your take on that.

JinGA

OH we will <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Living well *is* the best revenge, isn't it?

JinGA

include him (sort'a)

if he does not go to the book party (likely)

take a ton of photos

give him copies of the photos ~~> "You're going to love these! Look how wonderful our girl has become. We've sure raised a great child together."

if he asks : "Why wasn't I included?"

here's what you might say:

[i]"Did you ask the birthday girl about it?"