Another intersting day yesterday.

I emailed XH about a client issue coming up the week after next. He then informs me that he'd just booked his time off at work to clash with that. (On Monday he said he'd likely go back home to see his family in August).

This also conflicts with DD's birthday. She'll be at band camp on the actual day so we'd planned to do stuff on the Friday and Saturday evenings before she left.

So I brought this to XH's attention... he changed his vacation time (whew).

DD was *supposed* to have talked to XH about birthday plans but hadn't got around to it yet, so I filled him in on the plans, which involved 2 nights of activities including all of us. He agreed to those enthusiastically. In mid-email discussion he got busy at work and said we'd discuss when he got here.

So... long and short of it here: He's going on vacation on the 11th to 26 of August. Said he's not going home to visit family, he's going "out west" - that's "code" for him to tell me he's going to visit GF. OK... then he isn't sure if he's going to drive or fly. It's 5200 miles round-trip. He said to fly and rent a car will cost him $1000. I asked him how much it cost last year to drive - he doesn't remember. I did some mental math - it'll cost him about the same or more to drive... but OK. Said he can make the drive in 3 days and not bother with hotels, just grab naps at rest stops (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). OK... I kept my DJ's to myself at that point - he's free to do as he pleases. My opinion is that it's insane.. but I kept my mouth shut.

THEN we talked about the b'day plans - it's all a go, he seems enthusiastic about them. Saturday's plan involved going to the pool at his building and using the "public" grill there. He said he didn't really want to do that.. but we could grill at my house (???!!!!). This is the same man who has avoided the house - he phones the kids when he's in the driveway to come outside to be picked up. He did come into the house on Tuesday when he brought his brother to see the kids for 5-10 mins (I was not home but aware he was going there). I told him my grill is on the fritz - needs a new burner, he said, "Well I'll just have to fix it then!" in an enthusiastic way.

WHAT?

Again - I haven't asked him to do anything around the house in over 2 years. I have friends I can ask, or I fix it myself. I had changed the tank on the grill by asking his brother to swap it one time when he was over - that's when I discovered the burner was toast. I have the parts list for replacements, just not sure if it needs anything else - and I am not mechanically inclined enough to fix it myself, but a friend had offered, we just haven't got around to it yet.

So he said he'd come by this weekend to have a look - I'll get the parts and then he'll fix it. WOW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks!

Then yesterday, a new motor I'd ordered for "our" carpet cleaner arrived. We bought the machine when we were married - techncially it's mine now but I let him borrow it, particularly when his GF got a new puppy when she lived with him. The motor was shot, XH had it in his possession and tried to fix it - he researched the best price on a motor and I ordered it. The motor came yesterday so he took it home to fix the machine. He was going to use the machine at his place, and return it to me because I'm past due to clean my carpets.

So that's another thing he's done "for me" (well, for us - he uses the machine too).

So here we go again on mixed signals. When he told me about going "out west" he almost seemed ashamed to be telling me - I don't know why - that's his business. I've never made a DJ about GF except once during a blowout we had back in March when he started taking shots at my XBF's health issues (low blow) and I told him he was being led around by the penis. (Then I caught myself and stopped).

So on one hand he's going out to see GF, although that plan sounds kind of shaky to me... and then he turns around and willingly wants to come to the house for DD's b'day, fix my grill and fix "our" carpet cleaner. That's more "personal" stuff than he's offered to do in a couple of years.

Is it guilt? I'd think he'd be long past that by now.

I know he'd do anything for DD (and DS).. but it didn't seem like he was coming from a sacraficial point of view - like he'd suck it up and do these things "for me" only because of DD. I didn't ask him to fix the grill. I simply told him that it was on the fritz.

No matter what his reasoning, I'm looking forward to 2 evenings of family activites that involve the *whole* family - and on the Friday night they will also include DD's best girlfriend and DD's boyfriend. It should be fun. And if I can toss in a few extra LB deposits, so much the better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

His vacation is still a month away - and I'm fairly certain he'll go to see her one way or another - unless he can't come up with the funds. He was concerned about the $1000 cost of flight and car rental... well either way it's going to cost him that and I did ask, "What if you break down?" He said if he breaks down - he breaks down. OK... his car is 6 years old and hasn't been maintained very well (this coming from a female - I take pretty good care of my truck!)

If he does drive out there, I won't be able to help but worry - long drive, little sleep and last year he got a stress injury from a similar trip he took - and that injury still nags at him. When he gets there he won't be at the top of his game - tired, sore... but that's his choice.

If he doesn't commit to buying a plane ticket, he can always change his plans and go home - less drive, cheaper..perhaps he's just keeping his options open at this moment. He doesn't leave for another 4 weeks and a lot can happen in that time, right?

I'm assuming he'll go one way or another - and know what? That's OK. Perhaps in a way it's better if he does go. He'll see where she's living, how she's living... sure vacation is fantasy land, but he will still likely get a little dose of reality. Once the vacation is over he'll have nothing left to look forward to with her for a good while, unless he does plan to make the move.

I'm at peace with it. Gonna sit back, do my thing, and watch how it all plays out. Everything happens for a reason.

JinGA

Jin,

How well do you know the difference between parenting and partnering? I didn't know crud...had a lot of expectations and hazy ideas about partnering...only really knew how to parent.

Makes sense...our first relationship in life is being parented...first demonstration of intense love, devotion, protection, care and security.

When xH talked about his vacation...listen and repeat. No mental math, no evaluation...his choices are his...partnering is hearing...acknowledgment, validation...acceptance (not approval). Being present, attentive and aware. Not solving, fixing, bettering...a real 180 is acting from respect, not habit. His stuff is his as much as your stuff is yours.

That's my 180, btw. I don't subscribe to the manipulative 180 anymore than I do to the manipulative Plan A. Authentic works for me...both were essential in teaching me what a partnership looks like.

Also, the less mental math, evaluation you do...the less your focus goes into the why's and how's of his choices...stays in the acknowledgment and awareness of them, instead. Less sucking noises...you can hear those when your focus is going down his drain.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eeewwwweee...not a great analogy there. I hope you find it funny...I'm leaving it in because I do. Replusive funny?

See, asking about break downs, costs, etc...is parental, really. If you're choosing to ask these questions to show concern...he knows you care about his well being...he knows you love him...asking those questions won't tell him anything new.

Not asking them may be a shock.

You don't know.

If you'll revoke your permission to parent (your choice) and set your desire to partner...how respected and respectful do you think you'll feel? Probably won't know until you experience it through new choices.

Stop lying to yourself. If he drives out there then you won't help but to worry...worry is a choice. Period. All you do is a choice...inside and out...choose to worry, then you'll feel anxious, helpless, powerless...and what are those signals of? That your thoughts are dwelling where you have no control. Great signals. Change your thoughts.

I'm asking you to stop watching how anything "plays" out...put yourself into the present, on your own stuff...with awareness, attention, appreciation, approval, admiration and acknowledgment. Today, each day...as you say...one at a time.

Right now.

Sounds like you got a jolt (was it of surprise or delight or both?) that he's enthusiastic not only about DD's bday...but about fixing and helping and coming to your house again...that's new. That's now. Okay.

And you...what are you doing differently than before...find your well-worn patterns...automatic reactions inside...get to know what they signal, what beliefs you hold that they're coming from...not time wasted...can be delightful to the sleuth you are, Jin.

Plan Authentic...respectful...picking a new premise in your life, setting your goal to thrive...who can resist someone who's thriving, overflowing with love?

LA

That is excellent advice LA. For anyone.

Jin - I do get the impression from what you are writing that you are still deeply enmeshed with your XH. I am pretty sure that this is what LA is trying to encourage you to recognize and get out of.

Glad to hear that he's being enthusiastic about getting together with you guys for a change. That he's doing so with full knowledge of your feelings for him is an even better sign IMO.

Yes, I do. Learned that in MC many years ago. Hard not to fall back on old habits - but I know I'm not his mother <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Yep, and we women are programmed to nurture, care for, mother... I do understand. For many years I mothered him thinking that was what he needed.


I did listen, and I kept my mental math to myself - I understand what you're saying though - that I need to let that go within myself. I'll try harder. I did keep it all to myself though... and didn't apply that to our conversation. So outwardly I'm doing better, inwardly still needs some work I see...


I agree - manipulation is bad. I'm genuine in what I do.


I know - that's still my struggle. Still, when he tells me all this stuff, how am I not supposed to think about it? Wish I could just shut it off - but that planner/organizer in me just can't stop. That's who I am. What I choose to do with those thought processes I can control. Controling not thinking about them at all is a whole other ball game.



It made me smile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I do see what you're saying.. though I did not initiate that part of the discussion. He did. It was as if he was asking my advice/opinion. All I asked was what it cost him last year, so that he could do his own math. I didn't volunteer any solutions (parenting). Maybe asking him what last year's trip cost could be seen as parenting - to me it was just asking the obvious. He volunteered the cost of the trip. I didn't ask him how he was going to pay for it, though I did point out that the cost of gas is going up. Perhaps next time I just keep my mouth shut about that too. Still - when he expressed these ideas, I'm not sure what else I should have said. I kept any DJs that I was having, to myself, and believe me I could have had a lot to say... but I didn't. That wouldn't have accomplished anything.


Well I won't be asking anything more.


I am trying hard not to "parent". Like I said, I learned that in MC. Historically, I would have asked how he intended to pay for that (combination DJ!)... and all kinds of bad stuff. Perhaps my partnering is not up to snuff... so I'll take note and be more aware of that, but know that I have worked on that - and I'll continue to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


OK then I will choose to worry. I don't know how to choose not to worry. It's a weakness - I know this, but I can't just shut off my concern for his safety. Will I tell him this? NO. But inside, I will worry - again, what I feel and what I choose to reveal about that are two different things. If you can tell me how to change away from that, I'm all ears. I struggle to leave my worries with God, but that's a hard struggle and one I don't always win.


I guess I'm focused on both. I am not ignoring my own stuff... but I am interested in what happens with him. I'm not going to deny that. I cannot be apathetic, I just can't. I'm not so sure I should. Apathy, to me, is the opposite of love. If I've got that wrong, then I've got it wrong. I don't know how to train my thoughts away from him.


Yes, a very pleasant surprise. I wouldn't have suggested anything at the house, because I haven't in a long while. DD came up with the idea for the pool/grill thing all on her own without any suggestions from me, and I thought it was a good idea. Funny - you or someone else in this thread (although I think it was you) showed me that not inviting him because I feared his reaction, actually took away his choice. And that's right - and this time, he actually expressed his desire to come to the house on his own - without my asking him, or assuming he wouldn't want to. And of course when he suggested it as an alternative to what DD suggested, I embraced the compromise enthusiastically.

Ditto with the fixing of the grill. I didn't ask or expect him to fix it. He volunteered, and I accepted that graciously. He chose.


Actually I'm doing many things differently than I used to. Still a work in progress, to be sure, but a lot of that "parenting" type stuff I've let go of. Even though I learned it in MC I didn't apply it as well as I could have, and now that you're pointing it out again, that's an area that perhaps needs more work. Still, IMO I've come a long way from where I was... so thanks for showing me where I need to tweak.

I'm not sure I'm up to all the challenges you're giving me just yet, but being aware of them gives me something tangible to work on. I'd rather be honest about that - about my weaknesses - about turning off the curiosity and the need I have to do the mental math etc. I still can't turn those off - but I CAN control whether I say anything or not - so I'm at least working on it externally, even if I'm not winning that battle internally.

I don't know how to make it stop. I wish I did.


Good points <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Stuff to keep aspiring to.

JinGA

Yes I am still very enmeshed. That's why I said yesterday that I wish I could go dark in a way - because what I don't know, I wouldn't fret about or analyze. It's a catch-22 for me. I can't help but be concerned - and yep if it's a choice, call it what you will. That's who I am. Ignorance can be bliss at times, and if he didn't tell me all this stuff, I wouldn't have anything to be concerned with. If I was dark, he couldn't tell me, I couldn't worry...

Now - will I fret to the point that I tell him I think this or that about his plan? No. I can control what I do with the thoughts I have. Will I DJ? No, because thusfar I've managed to win that internal struggle and make a conscious effort NOT to do that. That's only half the battle, I know - but for now that's the best I can muster.

Still a work in progress...

JinGA

I doubt that it is guilt. More likely he is beginning to enjoy your company.

Keep it up, I say. And remember do not talk any relationship or getting back together talk. Don't make him feel he has to say "no", because that reiterates negative emotions to him.

Just enjoy his company for now, and try not to worry any further down the road than today.

He may miss you while he is gone. It should be interesting.

Jin, I think you sound good.

Thanks, Weaver.

I do appreciate LA busting my chops - I need it (please Ma'am may I have some more?!)... because it does make me aware of things that I may not have been aware of.

I'm not going to read any more into what XH is doing for us - even though in my post I asked "why". I'll be grateful for what he does and leave it at that. If I did read into it I'd probably think that he's doing it more for DD than me - because it *is* for her birthday - and that's how it should be, IMO.

And no - no relationship talk. Like I said, that started and ended when I told him how I felt, period. That's there - he knows it and the rest is up to him. He doesn't need verbal reminders, because he *sees* reminders each time he's near me. That is sufficient for now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Jin,

What to do when you're being shared with (xH was sharing)...listen and repeat.

"I hear you as if you're thinking aloud right now, sharing with me your thoughts on driving versus flying. I hear you really want to see her again soon." We can listen and repeat, and listen and repeat with filter. All partnering, no parenting. Irony to me is that this is an GREAT way to parent!

LOL

You assumed (it was as if) he was asking for advice...until you share authentically, you won't hear others sharing with you. You may well hear automatic asking for advice, consideration...something from you. Sharing is sharing. It's primary in partnering. It's verbotten mostly in traditional parenting.

I don't think manipulation is bad...I think it's fantasy. If we act based on possible response, we are manipulating. If we act to our code and let the outcome go, we're authentic. There's a whole bunch of messy stuff inbetween those...yet basically, they are the difference in all of our layers between parenting and partnering.

Believe it or not, I heard all the mothering you didn't do aloud. I did. I figured there was progress...how's that for assuming? I understand how we revoke our previous permissions...like when you learned years ago not to mother, to partner. And how we revoke those permissions at one level, and unwittingly, when we reach a higher level of distress, fear, pain, etc., bam, those permissions are back. Could be a level of discomfort, deep desire. Different levels...not even saying if they are up or down levels. Different.

And what I found in myself is a process of revocation over time...to signal my brain, retrain it, after decades permitting...not one swoop. Same for my mothering (nurturing)...still finding my lines...checking my beliefs...makes sense, I have thousands I function from.

I'm going for that last 10%, Jin...it's as tough as the 90% was...because it's the hold-outs, deepest parts, contains the most invisible self-deceptions, long-time habits of our brains and hearts. You're wonderful spirit is leading you further...I'm pointing out what I hear, see, relate to, because that's in me, even through to today. You're helping me, Jin. No judgment from me. I'm sharing.

Sharing.

And I'm wondering if you're hearing the all or nothing in my words...like if your partnering isn't there at all...when it's there 90%...full view, easily seen. Tons of changes...like when I said to go back into your marriage to ferret out the last 10%...the undone stuff...which was too sneaky, too scary, too large, or too daunting...something "too" about it, back then. You're new. Right now. Know this...not all or nothing...more the middle...consistent, joyful, fantastic, self-thrilling and real.

Like the "That's who I am" "can't stop"...not seen as choices, as unchangeable. I accept you're a trouble-shooting machine...a sleuth of the spirit, self, humans, hidden stuff...and you didn't problem-solve your xH...you chose not to...refrained in deed, just not in thought...that's huge. Different. Choice.

Sharing who you are isn't accomplishing anything...it's being known and in turn, knowing. If we only do to accomplish, then we are human doings...a bit of fantasy...

We are human beings. We are enough.

I'm emphasizing not because you aren't giving me answers or actions I want...I'm emphasizing because this was life-altering for me...still getting my arms all the way around it.

Learning to let the outcome go for me meant hearing my signal words...trigger words...what does that accomplish...that won't get me anywhere...how will that change anything...

I hear these phrases in my head...and now they signal me to old stuff...when I once believed they were true...rather than distractions...leading to the old patterns of my constant self-betrayal. Living from the outside in.

You believe worry is your natural concern for his safety. I believe it's fantasy. Worrying is like praying for what you don't want. It is NOT an act of love or care. It is fantasy. Goes into what you cannot control, dwells there, and gives you false signals. More unreality which is ingrown...worry is not accepting today as it is...it is not living one day at a time, within your power and limits...it's self-indulgent stuff exampled to you by authorities in your life and handed to you as if it were love...and it's control...fake control. Can be really consuming, falsely fulfilling, like actions which accomplishment...instead of fantasy.

And it is the backdoorway into resentment, disrespect and self-deception.

How do I know? Because it was exampled to me as love, as what you do when you care...an act of love...and I lived from it, steeped in it...and felt like I was always acting loving when I wasn't even close. A key element needed in living disrespectfully and getting the signal you rock...that you are loving with all you are...when you're disrespecting the heck out of life, yourself and everyone else.

Dangerous.

Again...not caring at all for the future...unreasonable and irresponsible. Worrying...equally unrealistic and irresponsible. In the middle...awareness, regard and ownership of what is truly yours...knowing the past, respecting the future...living in the present, in balance.

God says I am the way...reality...presence. We are closer to him through is design of us...valuing and highly conscious of choice...which he made inherent in us...is how we are intimates of God. Fantasy distances us from him and others...and from ourselves.

I didn't get this...was stuck in this thing where I faced God and gave it all to him, all my worries, my trust...except for this little handful I had in my grip, behind my own back...thinking it was hidden from God because I couldn't see it. Oh, too piddlin' to worry dear God about...I'll just handle this...

Like a pit bull terrier...I wouldn't let go. Because I wouldn't let go the outcome...which is fantasy.

Until I chose to do so. Actively...with all I share with you...through signals in words, feelings, tracing them to the beliefs...ferreting out my own holdbacks. Choosing with great care and attention to live in true responsibility, freedom and love.

It's a process. I'm still working it. So are you. We're both getting there.

Which is the crux of all...not giving you lists to work on (I understand perceiving it that way...I sure did)...giving you an outline to pick your premise...where all these things flow from...a chosen perspective...choosing even your thoughts...because you're 90% there...and every curiosity about others is a finger pointing inward...a challenge to NOT see weaknesses in you...to see choices...where they came from...tracing and knowing and changing...not right or wrong...real and unreal. Clarity is in reality...why our focus on clarity, not right or wrong, gets us the rest of the way. Self-knowledge is wisdom...act from that wisdom changes everything.

You believe apathy is the opposite of love. That's reasonable to me...I believe it is...don't leave out we CHOOSE apathy...just like we choose love. If you choose to love your xH...then this isn't apathy (not worrying, parenting, etc.) is it?

Enmeshment can symbolize love...deep love...including worrying. Enmeshment can be the example we had...our parents (or caretakers) seeming to not know where one of them ended and the other began...completing one another...symbolizing security, love, trust, the way love is...instead of two whole, complete people choosing daily to be married; growing, side by side...thriving.

Breaking enmeshment has the urge to divide...leave...go dark...hold back...lots of signals. None of them necessary...signals OF enmeshment, not action.

The more you focus on yourself, see your wholeness, where you end and he begins...the more you will see his whole, complete person as well, the truth of separate and equal...side by side. Breaks enmeshment without shattering lives...I know 'cuz I did it the OTHER way. ::::

I think your great days come when your focus is on you...I think you do this...and you thrive, know you're marvelous, celebrate your newness, your self, your wholeness. The perspective slips on other days...not you.

What do you think?

And enmeshment is the direct result of rejecting/disowning parts of your own self...in no way, Jin, am I saying to change what you see as weaknesses...I'm asking you embrace all of you...get to know where your mothering truly comes from...deeper than exampled as a little girl...what it represents...same for automatic mental math...trouble-shooter...to embrace all your parts to break enmeshment...has acceptance, deep understanding...not ridicule or judgment...not a single atom of you is "bad", Jin. Nothing needs to be cauterized or banished. Not one bit.

LA

Sometimes I think that last 10% is all stuck together. If I can move just 1% of that 10, the other 9 will go right along with the one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I will do what you suggest - listen, repeat.

I did learn a lot about mothering in MC... and applied it, but yep I slipped back into old patterns later. Once XH was out on his own, I forced myself to stop doing that, even though he was actually expecting me to. Good or bad - he'd come to a point where he knew if he 'made a mess' I'd clean it up. I did stop that. I stopped taking care of his finances and things that he'd come to take for granted that I would do for him. And I had to tell him that. We aren't together now, I cannot do these things for you anymore. He then had to sink or swim. He's sunk a few times, but he's learning to swim - and that's one of the positive things I've seen him do.

I've had to become more independent too, and I have - and I am. I'm not there yet - but I'm getting there. I'm still financially dependent on him - but he's also dependent on me to take care of the business. That's a cycle we can't break yet (unless we choose to bankrupt right this minute), but instead we've chosen a plan to sell the business - so there's a means to an end there - it's just taking some time to follow through on.

I appreciate all that you're giving me to chew on - and the time you're taking to explain everything so eloquently.

I still need to re-read your last post again because I find when I read several times I get more out of it.

Small steps - it's all about small steps...

JinGA

Well I've had a busy weekend. XH worked on an outcall until midday. I got to leave early to take my kids to my DD's friend's birthday pool party. I was the only parent that stayed aside from the birthday girl's parents - Mother, Stepdad and Dad, and the party was hosted by friends of the birthday girl's family.

We had a blast - I played Marco Polo with a pile of teenagers - I'm surprised there was any water left in that pool with all the cannonballing, squirt-gun-shooting and splashing going on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The host of the party lives on a farm, so I got a "horse fix" - I love horses, have since I was a kid, and they had 2 miniatures, a few "average sized" (ie quarter horses) and one big Belgian mare... got to visit with them, made a new friend of "Pup-Pup" the Heinz 57 dog...

Got home about 10:00 PM after dropping DD's boyfriend off at home, and had a fun chat with his mom - we have a *lot* in common and we laughed about our kids - first "relationship" for both of them.

Today I met XH at the shop a bit early as he had another out call to do and he needed my truck. He took our help with him and he was gone most of the day with that and when he got back, our help and he did their thing, I did mine.

XH had repaired "our" carpet cleaner - technically it's mine but I lend it to him regularly - well he fixed it with the motor I bought, and I asked him to bring it today and he did (usually he forgets stuff like that - so he gets points!). Tonight I came home and I've cleaned 3 rooms' worth of carpets and I'm just taking a break before I eat some dinner. DD's room is next - DS's room hasn't had a floor in ages - well I'm sure the floor is there, under all that stuff... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> His carpet will be cleaned when the rest of the room is no longer condemned (ah teenage boys!). DD's room *was* a nightmare but I've told them both I'm not buying them any new clothes til their rooms are clean... I don't care if they go around nekkid! DD needs some new stuff so she's been a bit more, ummm, motivated.

And my lawn mower doesn't work... asked XH for suggestions for troubleshooting (did NOT ask him to fix it) but he wasn't sure without looking at it. I will call my friends and ask the husband if he'll fix it for me - I'll take the gang out to dinner in return (not that the expect anything in return...I just like to say thanks!)

So I'm keeping busy. Trying to. When I can stay busy I don't obsess as much. Doing my best to just try to live in the moment, not fret about what's around the corner - I have enough on my plate with the here and now - right? (See, LA... I'm listening!)... trying to break old bad habits - one day at a time.

JinGA

Another day, another update. For me these postings help me keep a journal or timeline so when I look back at certain events etc., I can revisit what I was feeling at the time.

I am learning to let go a bit more. Baby steps - but I'm working on it. I'm still not 100% there, but I'm more comfy with where I'm at.

Yesterday I did have to call XH because of yet another technical issue arising from his tinkering... I appreciate that he's trying to build a piece of equipment but I have to admit I'm tired of coming in to disasters arising from it - I didn't LB or DJ - I simply asked him how to deal with it at that moment and he told me. He was off sick again yesterday too. Don't know what's up with that but he takes a *lot* of sick days. He used to do that when he was in the throes of depression but not so much (at least to my knowledge - which is limited since he's out on his own) once he got treatment. Not so much either while GF still was with him and he was present in the business... but lately he's taken a number of days. I don't know if he's genuinely physically sick (he sounded congested yesterday on the phone) - or if it's depression manifesting itself into physical symptoms. We didn't spend a whole lot of time working closely over the weekend but he didn't appear sick or sound it. Oh well, just an observation. DD called him today about something and caught him taking a nap on his lunch break (!!!) That's odd too.

Anyway - enough about him *g*... I finally reached the "interested party" who was interested in buying the business. He's still interested but has no firm timeline so I'm going ahead and listing it with a broker. My business attorney recommended one (I asked for a 'list') but I spoke with her this morning and I get a good vibe. She said that it typically takes 7-9 months to sell a business. I figured as much - and I've been dinking around waiting on this other guy for the last 6 months... DOH! Oh well, everything happens for a reason and just *maybe* things will move in the right direction now in that regard. Turns out this broker is looking for property for a competitor of mine and I half-jokingly told her if they want to buy me up, they are welcome to do so. I'd thought of somehow letting the competitor know my biz was for sale because I know they are expanding and want to "take over" the area... so perhaps that's one option that may present itself. We'll see. Anyway I had a good convo with the broker and we're going to get together in a few days - I am waiting on my CPA to send me copies of some reports he did for me a few months ago.

Cross your fingers and say a prayer for me that this broker will find me a good qualified buyer and my "baby" (the business) will find itself a new owner, and I'll find myself a fresh start - even better if I end up with a few dollars in my hot little mitt at the end of it too (and XH would too - he's 49% owner).

I go to work (again) in a couple of hours - it's my short weekday. XH has to do an outcall tonight too so I likely won't see much of him. He's taking DD and her friend to band practice and the friend's mom will pick them up afterward. We're kicking into high gear here - school starts in just a few short weeks. Where did summer go?

At least with school getting back in session our business will (should) pick up - we're down numbers-wise versus last year and a strong second half of the year sure would help.

That's where I'm at for today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

JinGA...

What kind of business is this? Who knows, with all that we've found out that we have in common so far, WE might be interested...We own three businesses here and Mr. W is a tax attorney-We aren't sure what we will be doing when we move to GA...Is the business in Canton? If you can't say here, you can always email me at the addy in my signature line...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

You've got mail!

JinGA

You do too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

And so another day is winding down. XH just left a few minutes ago and a delivery truck just pulled up (I'll likely finish this post after the delivery is brought in).

I didn't get much chance to talk to XH yesterday, so we "caught up" a bit today.

This afternoon he called me to ask what DD wanted for b'day besides the new HP book. I told him I didn't know but maybe an MP3 player. He was headed to an electronics store so he said he'd take a look. He bought her one of about equal value to the one we split on for DS's b'day. I didn't offer to pay anything toward it... he didn't ask. Since DD got omitted from receiving a b'day gift last year by XH, I think we're both OK with him paying for this - I did not bring up last year, nor will I but I know it probably bothered him that he was broke last year. I'll be buying the food for the BBQ and such anyway - so it will even out and I'm buying the HP book too.

I was *very* impressed that he called to ask what she'd like and that he'd shop for her. Typically I get whatever and he chips in. When we were married I did all the shopping and signed the cards "from both of us". Christmas '04 our first Christmas separated, he bought his own gifts for the kids (but I took care of most of it) and in '05 he bought all of us a TV because ours was on its way out. That was a huge mixed signal at the time because he'd turned down my offer to try to reconcile, then he turned around and bought us a big gift - ALL of us. He spent half his money and the other half was money that his parents sent to him for the kids. I thought that was awesome then.

Last year for DS's birthday we chipped in and got him a Game Boy Advance - XH picked it up, I paid half - and then by the time DD's birthday came around he was broke. I took care of gifts for her from me - and cake and all - XH and GF and her kids came to the shop for cake and pizza but no gift. When DD thanked everyone for the party - HE said, "you're welcome" (OK that peeved me a bit...but DD knows who came through for her).

Anyway - that really is water under the bridge. I'm thrilled that XH is taking some initiative this year and there will be no reminders of last year coming from me or from the kids. He left the MP3 player with me to wrap, and I will let her know this was from DADDY (not me.. I won't steal his credit).

We talked a bit about plans for the weekend - apparently there's going to be a pool party going on at his building... and DD may not be "able" to swim (female issues)... so while we're proceeding with the modified plan to grill at our house and go to the pool afterward, I don't think anybody will be brokenhearted if the swimming part doesn't happen. In fact maybe I'll have a backup plan in place in case. My friend said she wanted to give DD a movie on DVD - *maybe* we can end up watching that after supper instead of going swimming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I wouldn't mind if XH hung around the house for a while! (But I won't force it).

My grill still needs fixing - he may look at it tomorrow night - we talked about that tonight too. He needs to look at it and tell me what parts I need to get, then I'll get them and he will make the repair. I also need to get food and stuff for the party... I do my best work under pressure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

We also talked about business stuff.. we covered a lot of ground considering he wasn't here that long. I updated him on where we are concerning the sale of the business and he wishes to be present when I meet with the broker. I'm glad of that - he had expressed an interest before but with the prospective buyer I thought I had we never got to the negotiations part. I also updated him on the business' financial status - something he never really pays attention to because I deal with all that, so he's up to speed on that more or less.

Of course as soon as he left I had 2 customers walk in at the same time and a delivery truck pull up (driver has come and gone!)... I do find myself a bit resentful at times that I'm left to bear 90% of the burdon of the shop and he comes and goes more or less as he pleases - a few minutes here and there during the week or an out-call if needed, then he's here on weekends. He gets a vacation, I don't - although he has covered for me in the past when he didn't have someplace he wanted to go... but I am just biding my time, once all this is dispensed with, I will have my time - either be employed by the new owner (with less hours/responsibilities) or I'll find another job, preferably one that's M-F 9-5 or something like that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I told XH tonight that I am eager to have this over with (the sale of the business). Perhaps that will show him that I'm moving on too - at least emotionally if not physically just yet. I can only do what I can do at this point.

So that's it for today. I'm really looking forward to Friday/Saturday evenings with all of us together (do I sound like a broken record yet?) After that we'll see what happens but I'm not going to concern myself with all that yet. Here and now and the next few days - that's *it*.

Life is good... and it IS getting better.

JinGA

Another new day today.

Yesterday was somewhat productive. I got my paperwork from my CPA and then I contacted the broker. Spoke to the broker when XH was there - we are meeting her Monday afternoon. XH was most accommodating was willing to leave work if need be to attend the meeting, but I was able to arrange a time when he's on his way home from work.

He stopped by the house while I was still at work and attempted to fix the grill before taking DD and her friend to band practice. He couldn't get it finished (ran out of time) but he told me what he thinks is wrong. I expect he might fix it tonight or tomorrow.

He didn't hang around the shop for long, but it was pleasant while he was there - as it usually is.

So, things are moving forward. I feel good about this broker and the sale of the business. I know it may take a while, but I think I'm finally emotionally ready to let the business go. It will all happen when it should.

Tonight is the first night of DD's birthday celebrations. After work XH needs to take them to the library (books are due)... I also need to ask him to get the cake *g*... then I/we will pick up her friend and boyfriend and out to dinner we'll go, then to the HP release party. Tomorrow night it's BBQ here, then swimming at XH's apartment complex. If the kids want to stay over at XH's they can, but DD has to leave for band camp the next day.

Looking forward to some time together as a family - haven't had any of that since April, and probably won't have any more for the foreseeable future (the holidays - maybe?!).

JinGA

Things went well - very well.

On Friday night we did the dinner and Harry Potter thing as planned. XH took kids to the library after work (books were due). He also picked up a cake - left it at the shop while he did the library thing.

When we'd spoken on the phone I told him I'd wrapped the gift he bought and mentioned that I had no card.

He bought a card from *both* of us and had me sign it too. (WOW!). He also bought a card with a whoopee cushion in it "from" DS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was impressed with all of that. Historically he would have helped me organize things - but he wouldn't typically have done the "extra" stuff. He did the extra stuff.

He brought his camcorder to dinner and made pictures. I made pictures too (which I'll download and send him). He and I sat across from each other at dinner, DD beside me, DS beside him and DD's BF and GF beside DS and DD respectively.

At one point, DD's BF "stole" one of the gifts that DD got, and handed it off to her GF. GF handed it to me, and I handed it to XH who hid it. We both exchanged some very intimate glances as DD searched for her gift! He doesn't usually make eye contact with me unless we're talking - this was one of those knowing exchanges... *sigh*. Haven't had one of those from him in a long time.

XH wasn't feeling well - stomach was off. He left us after supper and went home, I took the kids to the Harry Potter thing. I was a bit disappointed, but I didn't say anything negative, just told him I hoped he felt better.

Last night - Saturday night - now *that* was the good night (although Friday wasn't shabby!).

During the day XH came over to the house to finish working on the grill (I stayed at work in the shop) - he got our lawn mower going too (wouldn't start) so our DS could mow the yard (needed it badly - but mower wouldn't start!)...He needed some other parts for the grill, and I needed to pick up some of the food for dinner.

After the shop closed, he went to Home Depot to get the parts and then home to shower, and I went to the grocer to pick up what I needed.

The funny thing that happened before we left - originally the plan was to have hamburgers and hot dogs. Midday I was pondering and I thought *steak*... I haven't had steak since DS's birthday 3 months ago and that was in a restaurant. Then I thought it would be nice to surprise XH with a nice steak, so that was what I was going to do.

As we were getting ready to leave, I asked him if there was anything special he wanted from the grocer. Jokingly he said, "STEAK!" Then I told him I was already "on it" and that I'd thought of that earlier. I asked, "Mushrooms"? And he made one of those sounds one makes when expressing pleasure/desire (LOL!). I said, "Done!" and went off to get the stuff.

I knew DS wouldn't likely want steak. I bought ground beef for burgers as well as hot dogs too.

XH arrived about 5 minutes after I did. He was wearing a nice shirt. Normally for the office and the shop he wears a T-shirt (he works in IT but they are *very* casual - his supervisor doesn't usually wear shoes!). I told him he looked nice - he said something about not having any other clean clothes. (Uh huh, whatever!).

He set to work to complete the repairs on the grill, with DS at his side. DD and I put away the things I'd brought home and got things ready for the grill. XH then came in and made a batch of his famous burger patties (I was going to wait and grill those today but DS wanted some - so XH offered to make the batch). XH did all the meat prep and grilling, and I did the rest - preparing the table, cleaning up after XH (LOL!)... we worked well in the kitchen together - like we used to do. Honestly in many ways *to me* it was like being in a strange time warp - as if he'd never been gone - but better somehow.

While XH was waiting for the grill to heat up, he lay down on the couch, just the way he used to. Completely relaxed, completely at home. I was so happy to see that - he wasn't uncomfortable or anything.

Then, just as the food was being put on the table, his GF called. He talked (or listened) to her for a few minutes, he moved into the hallway for privacy (almost like he didn't want her to know he was out) but then after a few minutes he told her where he was. I heard that much but didn't eavesdrop on the rest. Betcha she's really thrilled to know where he was *g*. Anyway, we ate our meal and enjoyed.

Then, instead of going to XH's apartment complex (it was the whole complex' pool party today), we stayed home and watched a movie that DD was given as a gift by her friend. XH back in his customary place on the couch, with DD snuggled up with him. DS in the armchair and me in my recliner. Just like old times - but *better*.

He left at 10:30. I almost hoped he'd fall asleep on the couch -- I wouldn't have woken him - just put a blanket over him and let him sleep *g*... but that's OK.

I think it went *very* well. Good steak dinner, we had fun, we bonded as a *family*. Hopefully that evening will give him something to think about when he's home alone each night in his apartment. He can have more evenings like that - if he so chooses.

I didn't want the night to end - but I'm still smiling this morning because of it.

I should also mention that the last time I think he came to eat at our home was Christmas 2005 or shortly after that. After nearly 2 years it was surprising how natural it was for him to be here - I wonder if he felt it too? Hope so.

JinGA

Sounds good! I'm jealous!

Well it was only *one* evening. And he only did it because it's for DD's birthday.

Before we had our "talk" he had declined every invitation I'd extended to him. I know he only did this for DD but it wasn't like he was holding his nose. And the original plan had us grilling at his apartment complex. Before he realized there was already a party going on there, HE suggested coming to the house which surprised me. When I told him the grill was broken, HE volunteered to fix it.

Now I'm sort of wondering if I should try to invite him again? Not right away... I don't want to push. Hopefully after a while he'll want more... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

In 3 weeks he leaves on vacation. Perhaps after he's back I might dare to invite him again. He told me last month that he'd declined invitations because he didn't want to lead me on. Well now that we understand each other in that regard, I figure if I invite him for something again and he declines, I can just tell him, "It's not a marriage proposal - it's JUST dinner!" perhaps to put him at ease and then see if he'll accept.

If he doesn't - he doesn't. His loss. But maybe now he'll be a bit less on his guard. We'll see. I'm just going to play things by ear and carry on as usual.

If there's still chemistry there, it's there, and sooner or later things will happen. If not - well then not.

JinGA

Sounds good Jin, are there any more "family holidays" in between now and Thanksgiving?

I can imagine seeing him stretched out on the couch makes it very hard for you not to get all warm and fuzzy inside. But I think you are playing this just right. Let the vacation with GF happen, let him get that out of his system, that way there will be no "what ifs".

Don't you hate all this "strategy" in love, it shouldn't be like that-should it??

Oh well, keeping my fingers crossed for you.