Same stuff, different day here. Nothing new, XH didn't come by the shop tonight - not unusual for a Friday. DS went to XH's and DD is at her boyfriend's for dinner. DD had the option to go to XH's but she wants to sleep two consecutive nights in her own bed (she's just back from band camp) so she'll go to XH's for tomorrow night.

Late this afternoon I was talking on the phone to a friend - she's a client of mine and I'm a client of hers - we have socialized together on a few occasions. She invited me to poker night in her neighbourhood so I'm going! I went to a casino night they had a while back and had a blast. She and her partner drink heavily... I bought some sodas to bring along (I'm a social drinker but don't feel like having my 2-beer limit tonight!). She said there'll be pizza too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Maybe my luck will change a bit and I'll win a few dollars... but I am going fully aware that I'll lose my $20. Still - a cheap night out, and I'll have some laughs and some fun. I'm acquainted with quite a few people from her neighbourhood - some are clients, and others I've met through my client - they live in cottage country and life there is one big party even though they all live there year 'round. Should be a good time!

I can't stay too late though - XH has to take care of some personal business tomorrow morning and I have to drive 100 miles round-trip to pick up a shipment before I open at 10:00 AM - so I'll be behaving tonight!

A good opportunity to add some mystery tomorrow if I mention to XH that I'm tired because I was "out" ....

JinGA

Another day behind me. Poker night was fun - of course it was a "donation" LOL but I had a blast. Got home at midnight, couldn't get to sleep - had to get up early to go to pick up my shipment. I'm tired now - but both kids are gone to XH's so I have the evening to myself.

XH is going on his business trip on Monday (this is NOT the trip to see GF). He's leaving Monday, back Friday so I'll be flying solo at the shop. Hopefully our casual help can chip in if needed after his regular job during the week - I've already given him a heads up.

I told XH a short while ago about my being asked on a date by the man at the convenience store - of course he laughed. I laughed too - but I said, "Hey, at least somebody's interested!" and he smiled and agreed.

And when XH arrived this morning he overheard me telling a customer that I was a bit sluggish this morning because I was out past my bedtime. When the customer left, he asked, "Did you go out last night or something?" to which I replied, "Yes." He didn't ask - I didn't tell <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> $5 says he asks DD about my whereabouts - DS was at his place and didn't know I went out - but if he really wants to know he'll ask DD. That's fine - let her tell.

Maybe XH spending a week away without being close to home (but not with GF) will be a good thing. I feel at times that seeing each other almost daily can 'help' him take my presence for granted. He's close to vacation time, likely still trying to make up his mind whether to go or not - he hasn't mentioned it, I'm assuming he's still going until he says otherwise, but he did tell me initially that he had reservations about the amount of money it will take.

I think sometimes that maybe he's still got the best of both worlds sort of, and while he's not actively cake-eating, he's got GF via phone/internet, and he's got me in person. We aren't intimate like a couple, but anyone can see we're more than friends. I'm sure the new customers that left today assume we're married. We shared some anecdotes of things we've done, places we've been.

He speaks of such times with as much fondness and nostalgia as I do. That just makes me wonder why he'd continue to ignore it all today and not seem to want to work toward coming home. But then - I'm here. I'm his friend. There's no SF but our relationship has most of the trappings of a couple, without us actually living together.

Today he told me all about his upcoming trip, and a bunch of office politics that have gone on recently. He told me about taking DS out last night to a local landmark (a mountain) and climbing it (low mountain - more like a hill)... when he talks to me like this he's animated and smiling, and I listen attentively and ask questions. When we share anecdotes with others, or speak of things past (always good things - we don't ever talk about bad history), we both wax nostalgic... it's good and it's bad at the same time.

Perhaps his being away from me for a week may be a good thing - without the distraction of his GF being present. She's always "there" on the other end of the phone or whatever, but he's going to have alone time that's away from home - his apartment, our home, our shop, our kids.. away from all things familiar. Hopefully he'll have some time to think - whether he uses it remains to be seen.

It just baffles me that we are *that* close, but that far apart. He delights in telling me things, I delight in talking to him - we both listen and laugh with each other - there's no tension, no stress, it's safe and comfortable, but yet he still doesn't want to take it that notch further.

Maybe my being a bit 'mysterious' will encourage him a bit. As many have told me here, he won't make a move until he thinks he's losing me forever. He can see that I'm not stagnating, he's curious enough to ask questions but backs off if I don't offer up complete answers. Yet he just won't take that next step, and I don't know why.

I know I'm probably focusing on that a bit too much - but I do think about it.

XH notwithstanding, I had a great time last night, saw some folks I have met before and met a few new people, had some fun and plenty of laughs. I'd go out again tonight but I'm beat! I'm getting too old to be out partying half the night! LOL I can still paint the town red but I need some rest before I apply the second coat!

Maybe a week of him away from ME will help me too. He'll be gone all week, back next weekend and here for the week following, then after that he'll be gone for 2 more. So for the next month he'll only be here for a week. Even if he doesn't go out to see GF, I expect he may go home to see his parents instead. That would be a good thing.

Anybody have thoughts/suggestions on what else I might be doing to try to woo him just a tiny bit more without going overboard? There's no R talk - I'm sticking to that - rather, I'm just trying to be as attractive to him as I can be. Always cheerful, attentive, animated, I dress a bit better, keep myself fixed up nice - I've shed about 20 lbs. I wish I knew what else I could do to provide just that tiny bit more of subtle influence?

JinGA

And so goes another day. Uneventful day really, same old same old.

However I did inject a bit more mystery today.

XH had to go and do an out-call today, he had to be at the client's before opening time. Yesterday I asked him if he needed the truck - he said yes, about noon (we open at 1). I said I would *try* to be there, but if I wasn't, we have a second smaller truck parked at the store that would do the job.

He called the house a few minutes after 12. Didn't answer. 10 minutes later he called my cell. He called once or twice more after that - I let it ring. He had access to the small truck and the keys. I went out to run an errand and took another road so I wouldn't be seen driving by the shop.

He never leaves messages.

When he got back to the shop he made mention of it - oops I had my phone in my purse on vibrate. My bad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I didn't mention where I was - he didn't ask.

So is he wondering? Or does he just not care? If he is curious, he's not tipping his hand. Of course when he did come back to the shop (a couple of hours or more after he tried to reach me), the first words out of his mouth were to mention that I hadn't answered my phone.

Normally I'm pretty predictable. My schedule seldom varies and I'm always where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there. And of course I was at work in time to open and all that - he didn't call to make sure I showed up on time (it's his M.O. to be late without calling, not mine).

I won't see him now til next weekend. Tomorrow he leaves on a business trip and won't be back until Friday. He's still got the kids for a few more hours tonight, and he mumbled something about having to do laundry etc., before he leaves.

Today he was somewhat talkative too - I kept mainly to myself but he did tell me about a program he was watching on TV this morning on a topic that has to do with what we do at the shop. I listened intently and asked questions again.

He comes to me to talk. Just about stuff. Sometimes I go to him too, but I didn't really today. I had paperwork and stuff to do, and I tended customers as always.

I think he tried to call GF a couple of times too - but I don't think he reached her either *g*.

I guess all I can do at this point is just keep doing what I'm doing, work on the 'mystery' part a bit more to keep him guessing (if he even gives it a second thought...) and carry on.

As he was leaving I told him that I hope he has a safe trip.

JinGA

Yesterday was a good day for me. A very good day. The kind of day when everything seems to fall into place. Goodness knows I could use a few more days like that - maybe it's a sign of good things coming my way.

I started the day by stopping in at work. Closed on Mondays but I always have to go by to do a few things and check on the place. It was still standing *g* and I got my work done quickly.

Then I had to take my kids to the optometrist. The doctor I deal with trades with barter, as do I in my business so whatever insurance etc., doesn't cover, I can pay with barter dollars (not cash). That helps me a lot as I have plenty of barter dollars. Sometimes the doc only takes partial payment in barter (the rest in cash) but everything the kids needed was OK to pay in barter. DD wants contact lenses, and those were covered too. Woohoo!

I need an appointment too but they will only see 2 family members at one time, but they can fit me in today, so that works for me.

DD has to go back on Friday for a lens fitting, they are able to accommodate a bit earlier time because I'm shorthanded right now and I need to attend DS's orientation at school on Friday. Another Woohoo! I told them how much I appreciate them fitting us in.

I might splurge on contacts too - I'll see after my appointment today. I wore hard contacts years ago - hated them. Nowadays there are more options for bad eyes like mine so we'll see.

The kids both also opted to keep their existing frames, so that helped $$ a bit too.

Took the kids for haircuts, as well as myself. I found an old card from the salon, they sign it each time you get a cut and after 9 cuts, the 10th is free. The card was ages old - I didn't even know if it was still good, but I brought it in. All but 3 spaces were signed. Yep, the card was still good - so we paid for 3 haircuts and next time we go back, one is free! Woohoo!

Came home with the kids, had to go back to the shop to check on things, get the mail etc. When I got there there was a message from a client with an issue - returned the call, my technician must have been in the shop when the call came in, she heard the message and dealt with it. Woohoo! - I didn't have to drop everything and run to take care of it. The woman who works for me is golden - and I let her know it!

The next message was from a fast food place nearby that I've never been to, informing me that I'd won their weekly draw for lunch for 4. That's odd - since I've never been there. Apparently in a random act of kindness, somebody must have put my card in the draw! So I called the kids and told them not to fix their lunch (it was about lunchtime!) so I ran over and picked up our free lunch - sure enough they had my business card there. Perhaps one of my clients must have done this for me. The food was no heck, but it was really nice to get a freebie courtesy of some thoughtful person, so that was another 'plus' on the day.

Then I had an hour or so 'off' and had to take DD for shoe fittings for marching band. I expected this to take ages - we were in and out in no time. Another Woohoo! (and $50 later...)

DD had band practice a bit later so I had another hour 'off' then I dropped her off for practice and DS and I went geocaching. We found one that has eluded us on at least 5 attempts to find it. I got a hint from another player and it took DS just seconds to find it when we got there - of course it's easier when one knows where to look! So now we can strike that one off our 'to do' list. Woohoo! Then we went off searching for others. When it was time for band practice to be nearly over, before I headed back I called my friend whose DD is also in band, and asked if she could pick DD up as we were running a bit late. She was happy to help - so DS and I stayed out a bit longer.

All in all it was a good day - gotta love it when things flow like that. I've had too many days lately where I run like a chicken with my head cut off, and never seem to actually accomplish anything.

This morning I was up early and went by the shop - yep, it's still standing. I have a little time at home before I go to the optometrist. I still have to shop for school clothing for the kids, not sure when I'm going to squeeze that in because for the rest of the week I'm solo at the shop, but somehow I'll manage to get it all done. I always do.

July was a slow month at the shop too - kind of discouraging. Hopefully I'll finish the day and month busy, and hope the new month brings better things.

That's my update for now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Wow... what a night last night.

I've had a few good days, everything is still standing in XH's absence at the business. I miss him - but life goes on.

He's in St. Paul MN this week.

Last night, close to closing time here, XH called me. I was surprised to hear from him. I was busy with a customer, and he called my cell - I knew it was him before I looked at the phone because he has his own ringtone on my phone. I answered - he asked if I was online. I said I can be - but with a customer, could I call him back. I was blissfully unaware of the tragedy that had struck just a half hour or so earlier in Minneapolis. He told me he wanted me to go online because some bridge had collapsed and he was stuck in traffic, wanted info on what was going on. I told him I'd check as soon as I was done with my customer.

Tried to get on Fox News' website - there was a video stream but it was lagging. I did gather a bit about what was happening, so I tried to call him back. Couldn't get through. The line would hang, then go straight to his voice mail (which he leaves full so nobody can leave a new message - he never listens to messages anyway). As I gathered info, I realized that this was a big event.

Before I left work, still unable to get through on his cell, I sent him a text message with a bit of info I'd gathered - 50 cars in the water, no concerns about terrorism, I couldn't get a call through, call me when he could.

A short while (15 mins or so) later I went home at closing and turned on the TV. Whoa. I sent him another text asking if he was OK. He called a few minutes later - he'd got back to his hotel - I think he was with colleagues (he was asking another man questions while I was on the phone with him). Said he was going to have a scotch in the hotel bar... I told him to have one for me.

He said that they were late leaving the office - otherwise he might have been on that bridge when it went down. OMG.

I told him I was glad he was OK. I wanted to tell him that I love him - I didn't. I think he could hear it in my voice (hope so). I was glued to coverage for most of the evening.

I sent him an email this morning asking him if he's OK - he said he is - a couple of drinks helped. I'm quite sure this will have rattled him - 3 weeks before 9/11 he was in NYC on business, just 9 blocks from the WTC and when 9/11 happened it rattled him to the core.

Last night when we spoke I'm sure the gravity of it all hadn't sunk in yet - it took a while for me and I wasn't even there.

Thanks be to God he's OK. He had a Guardian Angel that kept him late at the office - otherwise the unthinkable may have happened.

My thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their friends and families - I can't even grasp the magnitude of this tragedy.

I'm thankful that XH is alright... that was *too* close.

I'm glad he did call me - when he called I had no idea that anything had happened. If I'd gone home and switched on the news, learned of that and then not been able to reach him (cell towers were jammed) I'd have probably panicked.

I wondered why he didn't call GF for online info - maybe he did - maybe she wasn't "available". Whatever the reason - whether his calling me for info was an 'excuse' or whatever - I don't care. I'm just glad he let me know he's OK.

JinGA

The first thing I was going to ask was why he called you and not the GF. I see you were wondering that as well.

The second thing I want to ask is, how is he w/re to wake-up calls? I mean, c'mon...

Well I don't know if he called GF - and I'm certainly not about to ask. Maybe he did call her and she wasn't handy to a computer to check things out online - who knows? To me it "felt" like asking me for online info was an excuse to call me and tell me what was going on - he was clearly a bit upset with it all and maybe he just wanted to either hear my voice and/or reassure me that he was OK without being obvious about it.

Like I said I don't care about the reasons - I'm just glad he did call and tell me before I saw it on the news, or I would have been freaked. I am freaked - that was a close call for him.

Don't even get me started about GF. She left over 3 months ago and he's still "involved" with her - I have no idea why. I'm still curious as to whether he'll actually make that trip out there when his vacation starts in 8 days.

I'm not hanging on it - I'm carrying on with life and sort of being a spectator. My actions in my own life aren't hanging in the balance of whether he goes or not - I've got some plans for myself for this weekend, and I'm looking ahead too. Mrs. W here on the board will be in town too and we've talked about getting together also.

His calling me tells me that he still cares in some way - that he still considers me safe. He tells me things, he doesn't confide in me regarding GF but he told me about his business trip beforehand, what he was doing there, and I offered him a lot of positive feedback - he's there to train other workers - something that I'm very proud of. For years he was underappreciated in his work and I'm glad that he's finally reached the recognition and stature he deserves.

I just find it frustrating. On so many levels we are so close - good friends, we talk, laugh, reminisce, clearly we both still care about each other. He knows how I feel and what I'd like to have happen, but for whatever unknown reason he told me he doesn't want to reconcile - that the possibility was "unlikely" yet in little ways we are coming back to a bit of intimacy.

It's not the full intimacy of a couple, but it's more intimacy than 'just friends'. It's like he wants to move forward, move closer, but for whatever reason(s) he's holding back, and with GF still in the picture in her limited capacity, she's like the shield that prevents him from letting his guard down completely with me. Maybe he's scared to try again in case we end up hurting each other again. I don't know - and I could drive myself crazy with speculation about it - I'm doing my best not to do that, but just take each day as it comes, each encounter with him as it comes, keep working on me, and putting my best foot forward, one at a time.

That's all OK. I do think we have moved closer now than we were when she first dropped the bomb, but it's subtle. Very subtle. I think *if* reconciliation is in the cards, it's not going to be one of those 'aha!' moments like I have been thinking it might be. No, rather I think it may be one of those subtle things that happens over time. As he feels safer and more trusting with me, he may just let his guard down a bit more.

I hate to think of myself as the "OW" - he's not married to her, but having read how affairs start - as friends, grow closer, and before one realizes it it's a full EA going on to a PA... I almost feel like I'm on that road with him - except he's not married to GF. He's not married to me either - so *technically* he's a free agent, he only isn't because he chooses not to be. If I carry on with life, but still do my Plan A/180, continue to fill the EN that he's allowing me to fill, have no expectations, do what feels right without it depending on him - like perhaps inviting him somewhere because I *want* to, but not having my mood depend on how he answers... well just maybe things may just ease back into more of a real relationship right under his nose. No manipulations, no trickery - just one day at a time, showing him he can be safe, secure, comfortable and loved - and in turn when I offer that, he seems to respond in kind, even if the words aren't there.

Does any of that make sense to you? That maybe if I just keep doing what I've been doing, what I am doing, that if reconciliation is meant to happen, that it will - but it just won't be an instant thing. I suppose at some point if it goes there, it will become obvious - but for now I'm content just being where I am with him, and with myself in general.

I'm sporting the new contact lenses I got this week. Haven't told him about those <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He'll get a surprise when he comes in. I didn't get them for "him" - or for anybody - I got them for ME. New haircut, new contacts... taking care of myself, keeping off the weight that I've lost thusfar (wish more would 'fall off'...)... feeling good and looking better. I think I'm finally "getting" that part of how Plan A works.

I'm doing those things for me, but in doing so, I'm also trying to look like the better choice - GF doesn't come close to what I've got, baybee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (not that she ever did!)... Heck - I *AM* the better choice! And if he chooses never to see it - his loss.

JinGA

I can offer one observation from personal experience that I'm only just now gaining. It's no secret to you (or anyone else here) that I wanted my W to stay and work on our M. I was distressed that she decided to leave, and I do miss her.

Except... I'm not sure how much I miss her right now. And frankly, I like that feeling. She's been so emotionally distant over the last 4 months, this feels like a relief to me. Being on my own feels pretty good so far.

And that got me thinking... What if she asked to come back? I don't know if I'd take her back right away anymore. A month ago there wouldn't have been any doubt in my mind. Now? I don't know for sure. Probably. But maybe as time wears on? 3 months from now? 6? 12?

See, though I still love her, I am honestly afraid of her. Afraid that she'll do it to me again. Once upon a time I thought she was my one and only. She treated better than any woman I had ever been with before, and I felt more comfortable and safe with her than with anyone. So to think that she would do what she did, my trust in her is completely in the toilet.

I can say that I empathize with your XH's hesitancy. Though he is as much to blame for the D as you are, I wonder if he's afraid of making himself vulnerable to you again. His recollection of events may be different than your's. He might still feel betrayed by your filing for the D. Not saying you weren't right or justified, just saying his perspective might be different. Same thing with him seeing you get involved with another man after the separation.

He might be torn between the comfort and familiarity and how inviting you seem now on one side, and the past on the other side. You've admitted to a few LBs, and he might still be wary of them.

I think it's going to take time minus the distraction from his skan... Er, I mean "girlfriend". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Seabird, I hear you loud and clear.

I sometimes wonder that myself - if he *wants* to try again but fear of the past is what's keeping him from trying. I've felt that way myself, wondered if the demons of the past would creep back in...

But as it's been pointed out to me, we can't live by "what if". We'll never know unless we try. If we try and those old demons rear their ugly heads, then we'll know it wasn't meant to be, but there's only one way to find that out.

I know *I* have changed. That's all I really know for sure.

I believe he has changed - and is still changing. He's not "there" yet - he's still with skan-GF <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> That's a huge LB but one I'm choosing to ignore for now because we aren't in a R. I'm just choosing to work on what I've got to work with and see where it goes from there.

Even though I filed, I felt as you do for a long time too - the animosity that comes from feeling painted into a corner to the point where I did file for D - it wasn't a decision I made lightly. However *now* things are different - for both of us.

I do agree it will take time. I'm surprised that after all this time, GF is still a factor. It's been over 3 months since she left, I "expected" things would have petered out by now - I guess they're both more stubborn than I gave them credit for <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The odds are stacked against their "r" being viable at all for much longer. Then he'll need alone time - and only then *maybe* he'll be receptive again to something more with me. I know this. I also know that it's *maybe not*. I'm learning to be OK with that.

JinGA

Jin,

Still following along...and this waved at me...

"...and with GF still in the picture in her limited capacity, she's like the shield that prevents him from letting his guard down completely with me."

Would you consider this as your xH choosing to use GF as the shield?

LA

Hi LA - glad you're looking in on me because I really value your input.

Yes - I see that as his choosing. He is choosing to "stay" with a person who *chose* to leave and move away. He's chosen to let me know that they are still "an item", because he knows that I won't be an OW. He knows that with me it's all or nothing - I made that boundary clear right before the D and enforced it by stopping his cake-eating. That boundary is and will remain in force.

Of course I can't read his mind - so I don't know for sure what his reasons are - his choices sometimes seem very illogical to me - but they are his choices to make - his choices, his reasons.

Just like I make my choices for my reasons <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As I said above, reflecting on the last few months, I have noticed subtle changes in the dynamic of my relationship/frienship whatever you want to call it, with XH. As more time passes he's more relaxed around me, not nearly as guarded or stand-offish as he was at first when she left. Maybe "clearing the air" with our talk helped. He knows my feelings, I know his as we've both stated them. No more guesswork or assumptions.

But still little by little he and I are sharing more conversations, he's telling me more about things going on with him - and then every now and then he will interject her name. Not in a hurtful way, just a matter-of-fact way to remind me that she's still "there". Like a shield.

It's as if he's saying, "Yep we're friendly but I'm still attached" in a roundabout way. At least that's how I'm perceiving it. I could be wrong - I'm basing my thoughts on my knowledge of him and how he "thinks" based on my experiences with him.

I haven't heard from him since I emailed him yesterday to see if he was OK after the aftermath on Wednesday. As far as I know he's coming back today sometime and should be here tomorrow.

JinGA

I was just pointing to it because I read it as you meaning she had power in your relationship with your xH and he was passive.

He's active.

You get that.

That waved at me more from reading SB's post and this seemed pertinent. Not just semantics...the way you view the world and others...and yourself.

And my mind wandered to thinking along SB's lines there...as if the changes you are noticing with xH may come from him slowly opening to the opportunity for you to accept all of who he is, separate from meeting ENs...from the "doing" part.

Do you think of his pain back during the divorce? I don't remember you talking about it and I'm fumbling with words to ask...I trust you know this isn't an accusation...just momentary ineptitude. I think I asked you before if during your marriage you were a safe partner for him to be...not to do or not do?

LA

The only power GF has is the power HE gives to HER. She is present to me only insofar as my boundaries go vis a vis being an OW. She has NO power over me. Never did, never will. Whether she or anybody else is in the picture, my feelings and actions toward XH will not be diminished. IMO the way we are now is as "bad" as it will ever get. That is to say, I'm his friend, confidante, I behave lovingly toward him, and that is now a "way of life" for me, whenever I interact with him - whether it's every day, or once a month. That is what it is. The notion that he doesn't reciprocate the feelings in the same way doesn't matter. I am *choosing* to be this way toward him, and I like it, it feels good *to me*. Of course if he hated my guts and treated me like dirt, I wouldn't be quite so open - but he is responding well to my actions - thus, even if it never gets any closer, this is all good.

Am I getting it now? My feelings/actions aren't necessarily contingent on how he feels in return - unless his behavior regressed to something barbaric - then I'd have to rethink that - but unless he has a personality transplant, I don't see that happening <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It's OK to keep loving him even if he doesn't love me. I'm finally comfortable with that, and I think I understand what you've been trying to impart to me. This *is* being true to me and who I am. It's comfortable and I'm content with it, regardless of the eventual outcome.

The pain of the divorce... well that's a complicated bag of worms for both of us. I was the one who wanted to hold off, and initially he was OK with that - but he was actively in a R with GF and making choices that were dangerous to the kids and my financial stability, so once that hit the point of no return, I exercised the power I had to put safeguards into place. Didn't want to - but yes I CHOSE to because I did not want to choose to be a casualty of his bad choices. It was a defensive manoever. I own that choice. He chose not to oppose it either. The whole paperwork part was quite uneventful. The emotional part - well ... I couldn't believe how many unemotional people were in court that day. I wasn't one of them, and in his understated way, neither was XH. He didn't weep but the look on his face spoke volumes.

As to his pain - I've never fully understood it, and maybe I never will. On one hand when I approached him *then* about reconciling (before the D), he was semi-open to it but not willing to dump GF to explore it. He was doing some major cake-eating. He was being the family man and enjoying that without the "burden" of the marriage, but having his LD GF on the side with plans to move her here.

Then when I decided to proceed with the D after he compromised my credit and other things, he got really hostile and worked very hard to convince me that she was his soul mate and all that other junk that people say. I never belittled the R to him or offered anything except the first time I discovered he'd paid her rent instead of his bills (that affected my credit). I told him then that his "loan" to her was a "gift" and I never said another word to him since then about my opinion of GF. I've vented here - but to him I've always been polite. If I didn't have something positive to say, I didn't say it - so I've said nearly nothing about GF to him in the last 22 months or so.

When it went to court, his GF wsa in town visiting during that week. But even my attorney was surprised at his demeanor in court - he was looking anything but happy to be rid of me (and I was a mess).

I have not fully understood his pain, except to surmise that he was extremely conflicted at that time. On one hand he didn't want to fix things, on the other hand he didn't want it to end either. But he made his choices there, and I made mine.

We both went through a lot of pain. I believe I've processed mine. I've forgiven a lot of junk, and I believe he has too. Whether he's fully forgiven, I don't know.

As for being a safe partner - for the most part, I believe I was. I know I have a lot of love-busters and DJs in my past - knowing what I know now, there was a lot of room for improvement then, and I believe that *now* I would be a much better partner.

Given recent events, as well as the long past, I *believe* based on his statements and actions, that in spite of my failures, he's always known that I was a safe place for him, even if I didn't always demonstrate it. When the chips are down - I'm here, always have been, probably always will be in some form or fashion. I think that's why he called me Wednesday night. I think that's why he called me (after showing up at my house and I wasn't there) when GF dropped her move-out bomb. Deep down he knows I'm safe - even if it's subconsciously.

I've been working to show him consciously that I am safe - safer than I've ever been. I'm more aware of the idea of safety now, so I'm better able to work on that.

To me, ironic as this seems, he seems safer to me too. For a long time, he was very *unsafe* to me. I couldn't trust him, busted him in many lies, felt vulnerable... I don't trust him completely or blindly now, but I do trust him a lot more than I did, because his own actions have demonstrated to me that he's addressed some of his own junk that blew the trust in the first place. He has no cause to lie to me anymore - thus I haven't busted him in any lies. Trust is being rebuilt at my end.

I'm trying to rebuild trust on his end too - by showing him the new and improved me.

Lots of people are noticing my changes. They don't necessarily know about the changes inside my head and heart - but I do believe they are reflecting in my physical appearance and how I interact with people casually.

Today at school orientation I ran into another mom I haven't seen in a while - she told me I look GREAT - (and I do!) and asked how I was, and I said, "I'm doing great, thanks!" and I meant it!

So many people noticing "me" makes me feel better too - I'm feeding my own soul, and other people are feeding it too.

Funny how all this self-help stuff snowballs, isn't it?

I think I've made some big steps in my journey lately. LA - much of what you've said has really prompted me to think about how I see things and how I respond to things, and I think I am finally learning to let things go and just be true to myself as you suggested. What a wonderful gift! Thank you!

God bless you

JinGA

A quick post while I wait for DD to arrive - we're going out as I managed to get out of work a bit early.

I think the bridge incident impacted XH more than he realizes.

I knew I'd be late this morning to work, and I anticipated that he'd sleep in (he does more often than not, and having traveled last night...) so I left a sign on the shop door saying I'd be an hour late. I didn't call XH as I didn't want to disturb him, not knowing his schedule and I didn't know if he'd get the email in time.

He was late - but instead of just coming in, he tried to call me. I had the phone off in the optician's office (they require that), so I missed his call. Apparently he'd tried to call the shop several times (and of course I was not there) so he called the house - none of us was there either. No answer on my cell (off in the optician's)... so he freaked out. By the time I was in the truck heading back and received one of his calls (phone back on), he was IN MY HOUSE (he knows the garage door code) and afraid something had happened to us!

Apparently when he couldn't reach me he ran out, drove around the shop (but didn't see my sign on the door), went to the house and when my truck wasn't there, went inside to see.

So he cares enough to track me down...

When he did reach me I explained the sign, not wanting to disturb him etc, and apologized for worrying him - it certainly wasn't my intention. And I think if not for the bridge incident this past week, he wouldn't have over-reacted as such. He wasn't angry - just worried, because I'm one of those people who is always where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there. I figured that if he'd arrived at work on time or a few minutes late, he would see the sign and know that I'd foreseen being late, and if he was *that* late that he'd call, I'd already be there.

He told me more about his events of Wed. They were late leaving the office and he wouldn't have had to cross the bridge to get to the hotel but he and his co-worker had arranged to have dinner with another colleague, and that was why they were going to cross the bridge. Then already running late, they forgot the directions so XH went online for new ones. He didn't have a printer to print them out so he emailed them to his phone - and all this took a few extra minutes. They left the hotel about 6 and the bridge was about 15 minutes away. If he hadn't stopped to download/email directions, he might have been on the bridge when he went down.

His co-worker said, "God doesn't want us, the devil doesn't want us, so we're still here!"

He doesn't remember what order he called people in, but he did try GF (she was at a friend's) and didn't reach her, tried a couple of co-workers here to find out online info - like I said he doesn't recall what order but he did say he may have called me first and when I had to get back to him he called others.

He told me that GF (when he finally reached her) told him the collapse was in Mississippi <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> - I guess she didn't realize that the river is quite long... I would think if XH was *there* and could see the smoke from the truck on fire, he'd know what state he was in and where the bridge collapsed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I held my tongue on that one.

So I was able to get out of work a bit early - mid morning I asked if it was OK if I left at 4:30. I haven't said why - he didn't ask, but I've been out of the shop for a half-hour and he's already phoned once - asking where the Pine-Sol is. It's in the same place it's always been, unless we're out of it. That's call #1. The store is open for another hour - we'll see how many more times he calls. I swear sometimes if he's in the shop alone and I'm "out" doing something out of my routine he finds lame reasons to call just to check up on me. However during the week he was gone the only time he called was Wednesday when the bridge fell. It's like out of sight, out of mind, unless HE is working the business and I'm not, which isn't very often. Weird.

I'm sorry that I worried him this morning but it's kind of nice that he cared enough to panic... yet another one of those mixed signals I'm always getting from him.

He did mention that one doesn't realize the stress that one experiences after a trauma such as that. I don't think it had sunk in when I spoke with him later on Wednesday evening or even on Thursday morning when I emailed him to see if he was OK. He did tell me that he "freaked out" on the phone with GF over it (talked out the stress)... I kind of wish he'd talked it out with me, but that's to be expected I suppose. He did talk about it with me today. Sometimes I guess both of us struggle a bit with what's appropriate or not. To me it's all appropriate, but to him I suppose he *should* go to GF first... I don't know. He knows I'm here - and he does take that for granted, his actions this morning demonstrate that when I deviated from my usual routine.

Well, the kids and I are outta here for the evening!

JinGA

I admire your restraint Jin,

I am also divorced and thinking that I want my WHex back. If my WHex just throws a crumb a human decency my way, I get all hopeful inside. I am pitiful.

But today, WHex and I actually had a thirty minute conversation, mostly about his work situation. I was so tickled that he actually treated me like I human being, I started thinking af excuses to call him again. But I thought of you and restrained myself.

I thought about you while I was on the phone with WHex, "what would Jin do"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and I did very well, I think. Nothing over the top, just familiarity and support without any pressure or LBs.

Thanks for keeping us posted on how things are going, you are teaching me alot!

Well I don't know if I'm any 'example'...

We're home now - had a blast at the Geocaching dinner event - we even went to find a nearby cache after dinner and a new player made her first find with my DS's help.

XH only called me the once so no further interruptions to my evening.

Met a few new people, able to put faces to the online names, and caught up with a few people I've met before. Good food, good company - good time!

As for XH... I know I shouldn't wonder - but given his strong reaction to what he's been through in the last few days, I would have thought it might have snapped his priorities into order and perhaps given him a reason to really think about what's important to him. Maybe it will...it just hasn't yet. Or maybe it has, and it's not what I had hoped it would be. But it's just as puzzling as ever - his panic about us not being where we were expected to be - yet he doesn't feel it's important enough to repair our family. The first thing I would have done is spoken to my kids that very night, and come and hugged them as soon as I could when I got home. He's done neither. He did share his experience with me, but I don't sense any changes in his feelings. Oh well...not much I can do about that. I'm just glad he's OK, and that's all that really matters right now.

Perplexing. Oh well, mixed signals is his M.O. I'm learning to just run with it.

JinGA

Well here's today's update.

Business as usual. XH's brother came into town, he called XH mid afternoon to come and help him with his truck. They both returned around closing time.

We're about to grill for supper so right before he was leaving I asked XH if he'd like to come over for a hamburger - I thought it would be nice for him to eat with his brother (bro is staying with the kids and me for a couple of days - he's got extra time this trip). XH declined saying he had spaghetti on the stove at home (must have been there since 1:00).

No worries - but I did ask him to stop by and see the kids, because they are still shaken over the bridge incident, and he's neither seen nor spoken to them since last weekend when they were at his place (!!!). He agreed, and took Bro over to my place and visited with the kids for 5 mins. By the time I followed (I had a few things to finish up - I'm usually first in and last out), he was already gone. The kids were happy to see him.

The other thing today was, a customer called to follow up on a job in progress (customer is moving, we were waiting to hear from the customer in order to complete his job). XH said something about "next week" or weekend or whatever - and I said, "but you'll be gone next week" (his vacation starts on Sat. the 11th) and he said, "Oh crap, yeah!"... he forgot I guess. That's the first and only time I've mentioned the vacation since the date was set. Nothing else was said. Hopefully we'll be able to schedule everything for either before or after. Business is picking up a bit and I have to say the timing of his vacation kind of stinks, but there's not much I can do except try to work clients around it a bit.

I'm glad he came to see the kids at least - DD hasn't said a whole lot, but she tends (like her Dad) to internalize a lot. DS is like me - an open book, and he was very rattled by the close call that his father had this past week. At least they got to see him for a few minutes.

Hopefully he'll take them to the library during the week this week before he goes - that's his thing to do with them and I think their books are overdue as he was away on Friday.

Well, I'd best get the burgers and 'dogs on the barbie!

JinGA

Stopped home for a bit to catch my breath. Been busy busy since Sunday - actually all last week. I thought things would ease up when the kids went back to school yesterday - but I'm still tying up loose ends.

XH's Bro is still here - he leaves tonight. Shuttling him around to a couple of minor errands and such - no big inconvenience but when you have a guest in the house it's hard to just relax - even though my house is his house - he can do as he pleases.

He went geocaching with me yesterday, and he wanted to visit a national landmark. Actually he initially wanted to go to one on the FAR side of town - but it's stinkin' hot here, so I 'encouraged' him to decide against that (whew!)... instead we went to another landmark closer to home - and we didn't end up staying long as the heat was pretty intense.

This morning I had to do an airport run for a shipment, dropped it off at the shop. I should have unpacked it by now but a customer stopped in, not realizing I'm closed til 4 today. He made some [email]dumb@$$[/email] comment asking if I'd just come back from lunch... Ummm no I don't go out for lunch. The "Closed" sign and all the lights off should have given him a clue - but whatever... he picked my brain a bit and bought a few things.

I have to leave for the optometrist shortly for a recheck of my contact lenses - not sure I'm happy with the left one - but we'll see what he says. Then back to the shop to open at 4 and I'll unpack my shipment then, and likely XH will stop in on his way by and hopefully lend a hand.

I've had more calls for weird "odd jobs" at the business, and I'm not sure they'll be able to be done before he goes on vacation. A couple can be pushed back, but one is a bit more pressing - hopefully he can get it done this week, although stuff like that he usually does on the weekend (more time during the day) - we'll see. Most of these things are "favours" - we charge for the service but it's non-emergency and non-essential so if we can't do it, we can't do it - but I hate to lose any business if I can help it.

Otherwise, same old same old... Bro will be gone tomorrow and Wed and Thurs are my long days at the shop. I still need to finish up school shopping for the kids - not sure when I can do that, but I may ask XH if he can cover for me for a couple of hours on Wednesday evening so I can get it done. If not, I'll do it Friday as I close earlier then. Saturday he's gone til the 26th.

Well at least I don't have time to mope or feel bad!

JinGA

Another new day. Just enjoying some peace and quiet before I head to work. Bro has gone, kids are gone to school so I have a little bit of solitude before my crazy long day starts.

XH was a bit out of sorts it seemed yesterday. When he arrived I had a client with a malfunctioning piece of equipment waiting for him, so XH could fix it. He took a look at it, recommended how to fix it, moved a few parts and then he was gone into the other room, kind of leaving the client hanging. I didn't *see* him repair what he was supposed to repair, but I wasn't watching him either, even though he was standing beside me tinkering with the device.

When I went into the other room XH had started another task. I asked what the status was of the client standing at the counter - he said he was finished. OH... so I sent the customer on his way - only to find the replacement part on the front counter that XH hadn't put in, 5 minutes after the client left. Huh? So I called the client, who had to come back again... XH fixed it this time. Weird - kind of like he blew his train of thought right in the middle of the repair.

XH seemed eager to leave - he doesn't usually stay long during the week but I had some client issues to discuss, and I'd asked for his help on a design on Sunday but he'd left on Sunday without any input. I practically had to abandon a customer to make sure he didn't sneak out and leave before I spoke with him. He helped with the design, then he told me we're going to have to push back the other jobs til he's back (3 weekends he'll be gone and these are weekend jobs, so it will be a month before they can be done - not cool). I may try to get my weekend help to knock one or two of those out while he's gone. It's kind of like he's already "left" mentally... just kind of killing time until he goes. I can relate to that a bit - but I need him to finish up as much as he can before he goes, because I'm going to be alone for the next couple of weeks, and the more of his stuff that he can finish up, the less will fall to me. I'm busy enough with my junk as it is.

He did have to call one of those clients to speak with him about the client's outstanding issues - and he mentioned to the client, in front of me, that he'll be gone from the 11th to 26, THEN he mentioned he may have to do a job for his office in a city close to where his parents live (and where he has a brother). He indicated that it may overlap with his vacation. Hrmmm.... could it be that he's going home for his vacation instead of to see GF? One can hope!

When he got off the phone, I said the name of the city...with a question mark. I didn't ask anything else. He said yes, but he wasn't sure if he would have to do that job or not. He didn't elaborate on anything else, and I didn't ask. We'll see what happens there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I did ask him if he'll cover at the shop for me for a couple of hours tonight. I still haven't gone clothes shopping for the kids even though they are back to school - I didn't get the time, and when Bro came into town that ate up what little free time I had left. I've also got a discount coupon for the store I shop at which expires on Saturday and if I don't go 'now' I won't get a chance. Thursday DD has late band practice, Friday I'm guessing they might want to see their father before he goes away (although that hasn't been discussed - but that's how it happened last year at the last minute) and then XH will be gone so I'm on double duty.

He agreed to do this for the kids and me (whew)... plus if I asked later in the week he might be busy packing or whatever. He also needs to take the kids to the library as their books are overdue. I can't get there with them during open hours (although there is a depository slot), but that's one of the things he does with them, so hopefully he can squeeze that in. DD has a ride home on Thursday from band practice if she needs one, but if XH picks DS up, goes to get DD at school, the library is just around the corner so they can do that all at once if he wants to - I will likely ask him if he'd like to do that. If not - I'll get the books back somehow.

He hasn't even gone yet but I feel like I'm kind of left holding the bag on all the unfinished stuff thusfar. Hopefully I can figure things out and get them taken care of. Once he's back he can look after whatever I couldn't get to and hopefully the routine will get back to 'normal'.

I'd still like to take my Mom up on her offer for a few days back home... but that means XH will have to take a few days off his work to cover for me. He said he's willing - but for the last 2 months he's been too focused on his own time off to consider mine, so I'm on the bottom of the priority list still. Perhaps when he returns we can take a look at the calendar and I can plan for a few days. I haven't had any time off except for two Saturdays, since February of 2006. I think I'm due. Working 7 days a week sucks.

JinGA

Jin,

His actions show that a plan B would be very effective on him, or at least a modified plan B. Withdraw a little. Don't call him. Don't have conversations with him when he calls other than stuff about the kids. Stay friendly, but minimize your conversation. Withdraw on a personal level but maintain your professional/parenting relationship.

Why? Because he obviously has feelings for you and your accessability keeps him on the fence. I bet you a million dollars he would freak if he found out you were dating and he would be jealous.

I'm not saying date just to make him so, but the illusion of a social life and dating can be a powerful motivator. When asked, keep the info to a minimum.

Heck, go on friendly dates with no romantic intentions.

I'm sure this will expedite his recovery. He will probably have an epiphany some day, but who knows.

I hope he does, since I like reading your thread and I like the idea of having such a friendly relationship with an ex, at least for the kids.

I've reached out to mine and she has ignored my efforts. We will see a parenting coordinator soon, so I'm hoping it will help our situation to have a 3rd party input.

I plan on showing the coordinator how my trust is completely shattered. I can show documented proof of this.

We'll see how it goes. I don't think things will get better till my ex crashes emotionally. She covers her pain by jumping from relationship to relationship. She's engaged again less than after she met the guy.

We'll see how it goes.

Don't mean to thread jack.

You're an example to me of how a relationship with an ex should be vs what I have now.