Aw, Pentagon! My heart goes out to you!!

((((((((((Pentagon))))))))))

One of the hardest things is trying to understand how a spouse could just toss all the years together away, IMO. It's hard to get past it. I didn't think I would. Like you, I thought the time together made a difference and it also would make a difference to WH Mr. Gray once he got his head out of his [censored].

I got some great advice from a dear friend early on. When I didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to think it.

He said: "This is someone who's been with you on your journey through life for quite some time. Now the time with him is over and it's time to continue on the journey with someone else. You will always remember and carry in your heart the good times (and some of the bad) from this relationship. It was not a waste because we all learn something from each other, but it's time for you to move on."

Okay, that's not verbatim but I think I conveyed the gist of it. (Hopefully!) Yeah, I didn't want to hear it or think it but it stayed in my mind anyway and it really helped me along in the healing process.

Best to you,

Charlotte

My plan? I don't really think I have one. Plan A is pretty much shot. Plan B, while it could be constructive, at this point would just be a ticket for her to do whatever she wants and sleep with everyone she meets. That is why I either have to leave her for good or stick with it. Because I know that if I leave at all, even for a short time, I will be dealing with the knowledge that she has probably slept with and formed relationships with other men in the meantime. This is something that I couldn't deal with again. Her Vegas trip nearly destroyed me, I couldn't move on with her knowing that she was with other men again.

So for me, my plan is simple. It's either leave her for good or stay with her forever. I would prefer the latter, though my gut is telling me to leave for good. That's about the best I could hope to explain it. It's not like we just met yesterday, the thought of her with one other man was awful, then with antoehr was awful. I couldn't come back, in say six months or a year, and accept the fact that she was probably with 5 others, for instance. I am a bit too old fashioned for that. I just want the sanctity of my marriage back. And if I can't have that, at least the pursuit of my own happiness.

This is a bump. I really need to know what you guys have either done in this or similar situations, or what you would do under the circumstances. Keep in mind, I still love my wife very much. I just don't think her heart is in me, or our marriage. I am at the point where I would be willing to do whatever you guys think I should do. It's just, my time is short. I need to act now. Peace, Matt.

Did I read your post correctly? You woke up your wife in bed with another man then took her back to your hotel and had what you called 'sloppy seconds'?

Is that right?

Pentagon,

I have been in a situation similar to yours but I was not married, just engaged. Come to think of it, you are not really married to your W either, or at least from her point of view.

I walked, and many years later and knowig what I know now especially from MB, I would walk again. Not that MB isn't worth working on, but you are not facing the data.

1. Your W is a party girl as was my fiance.

2. Your W has had 2 affairs that you know of and probably a lot more.

3. She values her job more than she does you.

4. She is not really interested in having a family with you. I know OUCH!, but the data is very clear.

5. You want to live elsewhere, and she is perfectly happy with the way things are.

6. You have very different values from her and you want very different things in your lives.

7. She has no remorse for what she has done, other than she has been caught.

Now I will ask you have you disclosed all of this to her family, with regard to your W's decisions and affairs?

If not why not? If so what was their reaction?

You are in love with the woman you THOUGHT you married, not the woman you are now married to. it is time you took the blinders off and really looked at this woman. Let the data dictate what you should do.

But, I would counsel you to consider your goals in life. What you value in life. What you want from a mate. How you expect your mate to treat you, the marriage and a family.

If you consider these things, and consider the "data" I have listed carefully then the answer that bests suits you will be forthcoming.

Do the analysis and quit "feeling" your way along.

God Bless,

JL

Pentagon

I think you have other options, but you have to be prepared to take some sort of action. Have you read up here on plan B? It may not be appropriate, since it seems like your WW is not refusing to end her A, just refuses to not start another one. But the principle of plan B probably still applies. You should also read up here on the 180 plan.

While you don't have to jump straight to divorce, you are going to have to make a stand. By making a stand I basically mean communicating to your WW this behavior is unacceptable to you and you will not live like this. If she ignores you, then you remove yourself from the situation.

This comes down to leaving her no other option than choosing the M or choosing the new "lifestyle". Right now, you are communicating that she does not have to choose. When you put the decision to her, at first she is probably going to think you are bluffing. She will probably think she can manage her way through that. So don't bluff. Once she realizes you are serious, she will probably decide that she will choose her new lifestyle. This is understandable, because her new lifestyle is just a fantasy. So let her fully face her new lifestyle. One of two things will happen. Either she will realize she is making a mistake and recommit to the marriage or she will think she has made the right decision. If she concludes that she is making the right decision, then it is a M that was never going to make you happy.

I would set yourself up a time line. Say six months. Assume that if things have not changed by the end of that six months, you will file for divorce. Work backwards from there. What do you need to do in that six months.

For example, spend a month getting clear on what you want and researching some of the plans here or in other well regarded books. After that, have the discussion with your WW about what you want and implement your plan (whether its six weeks of something like plan A, then plan B or a 180 plan, etc.) Let her know you will not stay in an unfulfilling marriage. See a lawyer about what you need to do to protect yourself. Start separating your finances and don't fund her lifestyle. Start doing your own things.

Just my 2 cents.

Pentagon,

Seriously, please, LEAVE this woman and save yourself further pain.

Why? You have no kids. She's cheating regularly. Staying with her will require her to change who she is as a person. She's a party girl.

She may mature eventually, but how many times do you have to settle for "sloppy seconds" before you finally say "Enough!"

You WILL get over her.

You can't stand the idea that she'll be with other men. Well, guess what? She's married to you and is with other men!

So you can stay, hope she changes who she is despite the fact that she's always been like this, and continue to go through heartache and pain or you could let this cheating woman go and find someone who is not a party girl AFTER you've taken a long break.

I'm seeing that solid relationships take time to develop. It's wonderful to go through the slow dance and tingling feelings of wondering, but taking a loooong time to do it. It's been 2 years since my D. I only feel like I could just now start to even think of a relationship with someone else simply because things are settling down with my ex (or will settle one way or the other soon) and I'm emotionally open to someone else.

So understand that if you leave you WILL love again and you WILL be happy again.

She may come back years later, after waking up, but you'll have long since moved on by then.

Start living.

I understand you love your wife. I loved mine at one point too. But you can't love someone that is that abusive to you and that inconsiderate and it is unfortunate that she's cheating on you over and over with no regard for your feelings.