I don't have a lot of time but here's a brief history:

I had PA with girl at work. Bomb dropped on 1/5/07, seperated for 3 mos.; Back together since April; wife left 6/20/07 because she can't get over the resentment and bitterness.

So our plan is for her to go out and date other guys, including sex possibly. We have been the together since we were in high school, and I have been the only guy she's been in a real realtionship with, and the only one she's had sex with. Since my A, she has been wondering if there is anyone out there as good for her as me (her words) that hasn't cheated on her.

When we agreed to do this she said that she wants to go find out that I am the one she want's to be with forever, but right now she has doubts and if she doesn't get rid of those doubts, our marriage will stumble forever, and possibly end in her having an A down the road.

I have been in her shoes so I understand where she's coming from. I have gone through a complete character transformation so I'm not the same person that had the A and she said she sees that, but the bitterness she has and can't get rid of make it impossible for her to commit to working on the M right now. We have been communicating well, and I have been loving her 100%, loving actions, everything right; but she has been distant because of the resentment.

So, my question: Has this worked for anyone before? Am I crazy? What should I do while she's out figuring herself out, as far as actions towards her and support of her.

Thanks,
Brandon

You call that a plan?

Yes.

You are not only crazy but stupid as well.

Talk to your W. Convince her to get phone counseling with the Harleys immediately.

You go through with what you are planning and you can kiss your marriage goodbye. Sorry to be so blunt.

you might want to rethink this remark:



this means you are also not the same man she fell in love with and married

you are now a stranger ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You sound pretty youthful.
How old are you?
How long married?
Any kids?

Its a great plan brutschm .............


as long as you want to divorce and end your M then go for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


What your wife needs is to ring the Harleys and talk and vent and get some IC.
It's of course not fair to her that she has do all these things but when you had your A as I had mine, this is part of what we put our loved ones through.

What can you do? talk to her, ask her to talk to one of the harleys. ring the harleys for her and do as they ask you to.
Its only the start of a long battle and both of you will have to work to ensure your M survives.
Having revenge affairs only = likely Dv, though I can guess she feels she needs to do something to hurt you as you hurt her, thats a natural feeling, but its self destructive as well.
As as someone who had an A you can let her know to email me and ask how I feel after having an affair, how it effects everyone you love in your life, because it gets out no matter how hard you try to keep it secret.
She hurts and needs support not encouragment to hurt others!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Talk to her before its too late for both of you. You cannot make her do anything but you can ask her to consider talking to the harleys. And you also have to realise that even if she does do all the harleys & MB counselling she may still decide to end the M, its a risk you as I took when we had an affair.

But your plan is almost a recipe for Dv. Please don't do it!

Just real quick (I'll fill in some details later).

RE: 'Not the same man...'
I am not the same emotional man. I was a Love Addict, controlling, manipulative, suffocating in my need for love, we were both co-dependant. So I am still funny, loving, love the same things, I just know how to love differently now, and not expect her to make me feel ok with myself, I can do that for myself now. I am young. 30, married 10 yrs. 2 boys 7 and 5.

RE: '...your stupid...'
We've been to counseling. She's so mad that she can't see anything but the anger and so angry that she doesn't want to try. I have been in her shoes, and nothing could have changed my mind when I was there, so I have to let her go.

RE: '...kiss your marriage goodbye...'
It's gone if I don't try this. She has to figure this out for herself, I can't save her. Again, no one could have saved me but myself. I left, was with another woman, and woke up litterally one day and realized: There is something wrong with me, I screwed up my life, and my W is the one I want to be with. That could happen for her, and I realize it could not. So the marriage is not definitely dead, it is on the paddles though!

I'll add more later.

Thanks for the replies!
B

Dude,

Our MC was an idiot. Her advice on saving our M was to go eat Thai food.

Not all counselors are alike. Many aren't even qualified. I don't know what brought you to this site but it was God-given. Call the Harleys. Even for yourself. Call now. Oh. It's Sunday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Okay. Call tomorrow.

You go through with your plan and you are living in Divorce City.

On what planet do you live that this seems like a good idea?

What have you been doing these past few months to help your BW? How has she gotten to this point? If my WW had been helpful to me during my first few months, I would certainly not be dating.

You do realize that by her dating when you are not divorced, she is also committing adultery. Is that what you want? Even the score?

We've been to counseling.

and ???

What did you learn in counseling?

How long (how many visits) were you in counseling?

Why did you both decide to go to MC?

She's so mad that she can't see anything but the anger and so angry that she doesn't want to try.

And how does YOUR giving her your blessing to inflict self-damage upon herself solve her anger over your affair?

I have been in her shoes, and nothing could have changed my mind when I was there, so I have to let her go.

[b]You've been betrayed? When? By whom?

"Let her go" .... is not the same as "Go and debase yourself and expose yourself to possible diseases and pregnancies"

Imagine this was a drug issue .... you can't control that either .... but who in their right mind would say to a person they love dearly;

"Go .... I encourage you to use drugs and live a destructive lifestyle, because I did."

not a very loving thing to do on your part

I always *snort* when people talk about giving their spouse this sort of "permission to level the playing field" by commiting identical destructive acts
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Why don't you just tell her to go out, roll in the mud, get a disease, destroy her self-respect .... so she can come to the marriage as wounded and as damaged as YOU ARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what exactly does this look like in your home?

does co-dependency look like enabling each other's weaknesses ?

does co-dependency look like reactive tit-for-tat .... "you did THIS, so now I'm going to do the SAME to you" ?

does co-dependency look like relying on each other to give permission/excuses for your own bad behaviors?

hmmmmmmmmmmm

Isn't that what you've done in this situation?

or.........

does [color:"red"] co-dependant [/color]

look like this:

[color:"blue"]I did a bad thing ... so I want YOU to do a bad thing too .... so we can be equal [/color]

not loving at all !

because if she did not do this self-destructive thing, you'd feel (fill in the blank).

And giving her your blessing to do this self-destructive thing keeps you in control of her.

Translation: "I want to YOU to feel the same pain I felt. I want you to suffer the way I did. I want to punish you for what you did."

And if she does do this and you stand there and encourage her to do it? Two things are 100% guaranteed to happen:

1) She will come back later and say, "Didn't you care enough to even ASK me not to do this? If you loved me, how could you push me into dating and screwing other men and just stand there like an uncaring tree stump while I did?"

2) You WILL be divorced.

If she is threatening to divorce you now if you don't happily agree with her plan to punish you by dating and screwing other men, then again - all you're doing is showing her that she's not worth fighting for. Tell her to get a divorce if she wants but that you will not help her to either get a divorce OR to debase herself with such behaviour.

You both seem to have the idea that having an affair is rewarding and fun and hey, if you got to have all that fun she should have an equal turn at the fun!

Affairs are fun the way an addiction to methamphetamine is fun. Sure, there's a great initial high, but then your life gets sicker and sicker and sicker.

Until it's gone.

Is this what you want for your wife?

This is the worst "plan" I have ever heard of. Instead of a "plan" based on mutual disrespect and self-loathing and self-destruction, try something based on respect and care and honesty and love. You will find it in the books and articles at the top of this website.
Mulan

You are her husband. You vowed to protect her. If you can't save her, who can?

Why are you on this website? It isn't to save your marriage. What is your purpose here? To make yourself feel like you "tried"?



Guess what? **edit**

Ask her to read the information on this web site. If after she reads the info and she still wants to proceed with her plans then she has the right. As a matter of fact, she is entitled to leave you without blame for your act. She is not required to give you a second chance.

But, it should be for the right reasons and with the knowledge of what "affairs" are really are. At this point she has neither.

Send her here.

Mr. G

What he said!

Good luck w/ your plan, it will make your and your W's divorce lawyers very happy. Maybe it will even get you on Jerry Springer?

Two wrongs don't make a right would apply here.

Send your W here, there are lots of BS who can relate to her anger and a more productive way to channel it.

No Way

I'm a BS who has never been "with" anyone other than my husband.

I once told my WH that I wanted to go out and date other men, since it seemed to me that he had had himself a high ol' time screwing other women.

His response was cold and condescending. He told me that he understood that I might feel something was missing because there had really been nobody for me other than him. He told me that if I wanted to date, he was fine with it.

WRONG ANSWER!!!

What I wanted more than anything was to hear him tell me that he loved me...that he couldn't bear the idea of me beign with someone else...that he didn't want to lose me.

Well, I went out a couple of times, but was unable to make myself seem available...couldn't even flirt. I felt cheap for even THINKING about finding someone else.

I went home and told my husband that when I decided to actually meet someone, I would divorce him first...that he may have lost his morals, but I certainly wasn't about to lose mine.

Your wife, like me, likely does not believe you truly love her. She is crying out for you to love her...to let her know that it will KILL you for her to be with someone else.

"Letting her go" is doing nothing but convincing her that you really do not care.

Please listen to Lady Clueless. She is saying exactly what your wife desperately wants to hear - what every wife would want to hear.
Mulan

brutshcm - No. There HAVE been marriages where both husband and wife cheated, and have recovered. But usually the BS that falls into a "revenge affair" is headed for "double trouble," because it goes against all that they personally believe in and is motivated by the lying "Taker" playing on her devastated emotions.




Since you ask for an opinion, as a former Betrayed Spouse, the answer is "Yes!". And you are approaching your wife's pain from a Wayward Spouse perspective that it's "okay" to ACT on your feelings even if they are WRONG.

So let's say that you committed a murder and she is shocked, devastated, hurt, resentful, angry that YOU could do so reprehensible thing to her and to someone else.

NOW you tell her that it's "okay" for her do the exact same thing "because you understand." Is that how you "care" for someone? Is that how you take responsibility for YOUR poor choices? Is that how you "love" someone, to allow them to do something that will be "forever" destructive to themselves?

Sure it is, IF you are a Wayward Spouse who has not learned and who has not a clue what LOVE really means.

By the way, "Murder" is exactly what you did to your marriage. It IS dead, you killed it, and if you truly want to have any hope of resurrecting the dead, MORE killing is not needed nor is it taking responsibility for your previous actions and the consequences of those actions that your wife is now forced to live with.





Why is your marriage important to you now?

What "magic bullet" do you think your wife and marriage needs in order to "just get over" your adultery, after all it HAS been several months now since the bomb went off and flattened your wife?

What does Love do, and what does Love not do, or allow to be done by "wimping out" on taking a stand?

Oh ya, I forgot, you don't feel that you are "qualified" or have the "right" to take a stand. So don't take a stand for what is right, regardless of how badly you screwed up. That will SURELY show how much you love her, how much you've really put on a "new character," and how much you think she is "worth." A precious, priceless pearl? Not in your book.

This '2x4' has been brought to you by the letters W, S, M.

Wayward
Spouse
Marriage.

What DOES it all mean to you?

If you are convinced that your wife needs to date, even have sex with someone, proceed immediately to the letter D.

Get at Divorce and set her free to NOT commit adultery herself.

Ok, so I took your advice, here's where we stand:

You have to realize, the reason I agreed to this in the first place is because I am in the final seconds of the final round in fighting for my marriage. What have I been doing since the A? EVERYTHING in many divorce and relationship books. Dr. H's His Needs/Her Needs, Divorce Remedy, After the Affair, Facing Love Addiction, and I'm sure there are others. I have also gone to counseling to address my abandonment issues that contributed to my A (but never excuse it). I have been meeting her needs (that she lets me), being honest, giving her space, changing my behavior etc. So, since all of that did not work, I felt this was my only chance.

But I did tell her that I didn't feel this was the way to go about doing this. But where she is right now, she isn't open to any help. She is so bitter and resentful that she doesn't want help. She did tell me that she needs to be independant for awhile and that she is not going out 'looking' for other guys, but if one comes into her life she is not going to ignore it. She feels like she wants a D now, but still says that she doesn't want to do anything right now that she may regret down the road. She basically said the A is all that is standing in the way. She can't understand it and is too mad to try.

So from here, I will continue to be her friend, not react to her anger, treat her with love and respect always, and support her while she gets started on her own. That is all I can do. Then if the anger subsides and she wants to work on us, I'll be there. I've given up the 'fight' for our M, but I haven't given up hope. I will continue to work on me and continue to love her as I believe that is the only chance back into her heart.

Let me know your thoughts...

I've been where your wife is, and right now she probably can't see any way that she will ever get over the hurt that she now feels. I'd suggest sending her to this site to see that there are other people in the same boat who have made it work. I gave up on my marriage too soon and I regret it. Do whatever you can to show her that you love her, and good luck.

PS I don't know if everyone else will agree with me, but you can't apologize too much. JMO