Okay a Plan B letter should be like a woman's skirt - short enough to be interesting but long enough to cover the subject.

Keep it simple.

Explain what you are doing

State why you are doing it

State what would need to happene to reverse it.

Very short. None of that I love you sooo much, etc. Look for samples on this web site.

I wish I could give you a good example but as everyone here will tell you, I suck at good Plan B letters. I always say too much.

Sorry to be blunt, but you cheated on your wife. You don't deserve respect. You don't seem to get that, and I'm betting that this is one of the problems that your wife has with you.

Do you have a bus you could go run under?

-----------------------------------------------

There is no doubt that your W lost respect for you. But you seem to be trying to do the right thing now. That does merit respect. But it will take a while for you to regain her respect. And that is something you just have to deal with.

You're not ready for plan B. You haven't finished plan A yet.

You mean 2 tell me that you can afford this forced separation, but you can't afford coaching with the Harleys?

Your "planned conversation" was full of DJs, and was mean.

"Manning up" means recognizing how difficult doing a good plan A will be, in light of your own prior betrayal, and doing what you know is right, not being reactionary.

-ol' 2long

I'm not trying to run you into the ground. I am just telling you that this entitlement mentality that you seem to have is interfering with your recovery. You don't seem to have owned up to your responsibility in this thing. You say you are sorry and you know you screwed up, then you pull the "God" card on your wife. She will undoubtably respond with, "Oh, was it God's plan for you to stick your **** in another woman?". You get respect by giving respect.

changd4ever,

Of course you were trying to run him into the ground and you still are. I have no clue what your sitch is but you have no business taking your anger out on this poster.

Go some place and get hold of yourself. You have no business posting this crap here.

piojitos:
Glad you have such a firm grip on my motives. I'll bow out.

B:
Good luck to you man. I sincerely hope you and your wife can save your marriage.

I know my letter is full of DJs and anger. But that was the point of it. To get it out here and on paper so that I have a chance to clean it up, eliminate the anger and resentment out of it to get to the core issue. MY side of the street only.

Here is the core of the issue and what I want to convey to my W:

"I cannot control or change your who you are. My program and my relationship with God has taught me that. I can, however, limit or stop exposing the boys and me to things that would destroy our love for you. You living here while being unwilling to respect me in any way, which is your right, would only damage me and the boys and destroy our love for you. I understand what I have done to you and accept the consequences of those actions, but that cannot be the excuse to justify continued destructive behavior."

(The following may be disresepctful judgement, but I'm not telling her she's wrong, I'm just stating her behavior that affects us. How should this be cleaned up?)

"The boys should not have to see their Dad sit in agony as their Mom leaves the house to get drunk and flirt with other men and stay out until 2am, or not come home at all. Then treat us all like ****** the next few days while you recover from your hangover and lack of sleep. The boys should not have to wonder, “Why is Mom doing this to Dad and us?” This is from what I am protecting them. I am not being unloving in any way; I am protecting myself and the boys from things that would destroy our love for you."


So this is what I need help conveying in a way that expresses my boundaries, without giving her any ultimatum on the M.

Thanks,
B

I've read some Plan B letters, so I'll use those to draft my own. I'll hopefully post it soon.

As far as not being able to do Plan B until I've done a good job with Plan A, I've been doing Plan A since April when she let me move back in the first time. It is not getting through to her. And any further Plan A-ing will only hurt the kids with her in her current mode.

B

Just to level set, one of the primary reasons to move to Plan B is because you're losing love for your WS where you need to protect the love thats left.

In no way should Plan B be used to punish or attempt to coerce/control a WS.

Jo

I am moving to Plan B because I am falling out of love with her and beginning to resent her, which is not what I want. Even if the D is in our future, I need to do this to protect our ability to be civil with each other for our children's sake.

Here is my take on my Plan B letter. The tears are flowing...

My Dearest W,

What I am writing to you now is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

I love you with all my heart despite what my actions have shown over the last year. To this day, I remain emotionally and physically attracted to you. I believe that God has a plan for us, that he gave us DS7 and DS5 for reason, and that He expects us to fulfill that.

You are the love of my life, my only love. I remember all the things I experienced with you that made me fall in love with you – our first date, our first touch, our first kiss, our first overnight, our first time.

I want so much for things to be different. I want to give you so much more than you are willing to accept, and receive so much more than you are willing to give. Now that I more fully understand my own needs, and where they were excessive in the past, I want to express them to you so that you are able to meet them, without violating your own boundaries and giving up your self. I want you to be the one I hold as you fall asleep at night. I want you to be the one I snuggle with on the couch to watch a movie or talk about anything and everything. I want you to be the one whose hand I hold as we stroll along the beach. I want to be there to comfort you in your times of grief and struggle. I want to be best friends as we vowed to each other, that I was unable to honor in the past.

I want you to be the one who is a partner with me in raising our children together in our home. I do not want to settle for less than 100% of my time with our kids, and I do not want you to have to settle for any less either. I want you to be the one who sits beside me holding hands as we watch our sons one day graduate from high school and college and even get married. I want our marriage to be a model of what they should seek in their own marriage.

I accept my responsibility in creating our current situation. I never fully understood or embraced how to meet your most important emotional needs. I only pushed you to meet mine, above what anyone should have to give. Even though I went to counseling both alone and together with you, I was often not there for the right reasons and so I never allowed myself grow and change, as I should have, before I made my fatal mistake. I have apologized to you for this with all sincerity, and I desperately hope that one day you will forgive me and allow me to show you that we can create a new future together and that I can be everything you want, while helping you to be everything you want.

During these last 6 months, I have learned so much about myself and about what I need to do to make our marriage better. I still have more steps to take, but I have attempted to demonstrate to you what I have learned in the limited time we have had together. Most importantly, I have learned that there is no one and nothing as important to me as you are. I hope that you have seen these changes in me and that you will see the ones yet to come.

Whatever problems we had, I am confident that we can overcome them together and take the necessary steps to create a new loving marriage in which we are both fulfilled. I have a vision for our marriage that I have not had before and I often dream of what that will be like. I want to hold on to all the memories we have made, both good and bad, and begin to make new and better ones that with time, I hope will replace the trauma that I have caused.

I have tried so hard in this extremely difficult time of physical and emotional separation from you to maintain some kind of connection with you and I thank you for the few times you let me in. However, nearly every time I see you or talk to you I feel tremendous excruciating pain and I can no longer endure that. Knowing that I have caused you to despise me and seek fulfillment outside of our marriage absolutely shreds my heart; yet I still have hope that one day we can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate.

I want you in my life more than anything, in an exclusive loving marriage. I want to be your husband, just as I promised to you in front of God and our families, and I now have the knowledge and the tools to honor that promise that I failed to honor in the past. I am your husband. I cannot lower my love for you and just be your friend.

I also believe it to be very unhealthy for me to model acceptance of your actions to our children. I am certain that through God, everything is possible; and, if reconciliation and forgiveness can ever be accomplished, I believe strongly it is ultimately the best outcome for you, me, and especially our children. In accordance with what may someday be God's will, it is with a heavy heart that I must take these measures to protect what feelings remain for you, so that if you should decide to give our marriage and family another chance, I may actually still have some love left for you and remain willing to try again myself. The only way I can protect my feelings for you is to limit all contact with you until you can give our marriage another chance. I say this with tears in my eyes because this is not what I want, but knowing that you would rather not be with me everyday is destroying the love I have for you.

Therefore, until such day that you are readily willing to undertake rebuilding our family, please do not call me, send e-mails, text me, and/or leave voice messages unless our kids are in a dire emergency.

I know the narrow path that we must walk in order to rebuild our marriage and I hope that you will decide to walk it with me.

With love and regret,

brutschm

brutschm - Look, no one can tell you what to do. That CHOICE is yours and always has been.

But let me ask you something, as a Betrayed Spouse who might have an "inkling" of what is going on in your wife's head and as a brother in Christ. How long does one "endure" for Christ?

Is 3 months "enough?"

Considering the depth of the betrayal, I'll tell you what my reaction would have been if I received a "Plan B" letter of any kind from my WS....A_D_I_O_S my ever controlling, ever doing what he thinks HE needs, husband. It's okay that he lied to me for MONTHS, now I'm supposed to be okay and decided that I WANT to forgive him and live with him.

brutschm, you have to ask yourself a question. Do you want your marriage or don't you, now that you've decided to abandon adultery as a choice? If you do want your marriage, just how important are your marital vows to you now?

And btw, "being there" for your kids is NOT an "either/or" thing. You can do both, you just have to get "self" out of the way.

NO ONE ever said that recovering a marriage from an affair is EASY or of short duration. So the question remains that you must address, despite the pain you might be feeling, are you in this for the Long Haul or just for short term gain?

Think about these things before you do something more that you will later regret.

God bless.

OK...this is WAY too long, too 'wishy washy'. Tell her you love her, explain to her why you're doing what you're doing, and ABOVE ALL, spell out CLEARLY to her what steps she needs to do in order for you to accept her back.

I'm going to be honest...I think more and more about your situation, and I'm not sure that this is the right route for you.

Plan A and B are to recover your marriage from infidelity. Specifically, they're used to win back the WS. In this case, she's not wayward. She's disrespectful, angry, etc...but not yet wayward. More specifically, she's still processing what to do as a result of YOUR infidelity, not deal with her waywardness.

I think that you REALLY, REALLY need to contact the Harley's or some other PROFESSIONAL counseling and follow their advice to recover your situation. The more I think about it, the more I feel that you need more specialized assistance versus what we're giving you here.

Tear up that letter.

Call the Harleys.

Now.

Ok, I do have a professional PRO-MARRIAGE counselor but again, money prevents me from seeing her as much as I obviously need to. You can understand where I'm coming from though, right? Especially with my thoughts all over the place and not knowing what to do. The one thing I know is clear, I want to save my marriage. I came here, and go to counseling, and am in SLAA, etc. so that I can get rid of "self" and do what is best for others in my life. I also need to have boundaries or she won't respect what she is living with. That is my struggle, how do I show her I can stand up for myself and show her that I do have some self-esteem and self-respect, while still honoring her and her needs? I am getting mixed signals here, one series of postings says to not let her continue her destructive behavior, and the other says to just lay down and take it. If that's not it, please clarify because I'm really struggling with this. Others say that two wrongs don't make a right. So should I lay down while she destroys the image of herself in her childrens eyes?


I'm not sure what this means. Does this mean I no longer see adultery as a choice? Because I do see it as a choice. Humans can make any choice they want, but they have to be accountable and responsible for the consequences of their actions. Losing my W is a consequence that I can accept, no matter how bad I don't want it.

With the boundaries thing, because I made a mistake, and admittedly a horrible mistake, does God want me to be guilty for the rest of my life over it and not learn and move on from it? When is enough enough? The rest of my life? Should I just live with her and support her while she goes out clubbing, becomes an alcoholic, and emotionally abuses her kids and me for the rest of our lives. Yeah I make a terrible mistake, I'm human. But Jesus died for the forgiveness of our sins, so if we fail to forgive, in this case fail to forgive myself, aren't I forsaking Gods will for me?

This is so F***ing hard!

I still appreciate all the guidance, because I don't know yet what is the best action. I'm 50% willing to take the abuse, and 50% ready to end the suffering.

What is my marrige worth to me? It is not worth dying for physically or emotionally...

B

OK...I'm not sure about your 'mixed signals'...but here's MY recommendations.

You do NOT 'lay down and take it'. When she's being disrespectful, damaging to you, the kids, or the marriage, you need to take a stand. You need to set some clear boundaries for what you'll accept from her in that regard.

BUT...you need to accept that you basically set the stage for her anger. Her anger (NOT her subsequent actions, or all of them anyway, but her ANGER) is a direct result of your infidelity. You hurt her more than you'll ever understand...unless she does it back to you. YOU need to help her heal from that. Part of that is helping her to find healthy ways to vent her hurt and anger, part of it is learning how to keep it from happening again, part of it is learning how to make your marriage a BETTER AND SAFER place...for BOTH of you.

I don't think that the dynamics that plan A and B work under are how YOU win HER back. Meeting her EN's, yes. That's a given in learning how to improve your marriage. But the rest of the tools aren't a clear cut fit for the wayward spouse to win back the betrayed spouse after the affair. That's why I think you need to do whatever your PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR guides you to do.

Realize that the majority of the posters giving you advice (to include me) are BS's who fought to SAVE their marriage. Our POV isn't and wasn't the same as your wife's is at this point. And that skews the advice that we give you some.

From my perspective, the only advice I can give you is to meet her EN's, set PROPER boundaries...for BOTH of you...that safegaurd your marriage to prevent another affair happening on either side, and do your best to help your wife heal from the damage your affair created. She may or may not choose to remain married to you...that's her choice in the face of what's happened. You can try to convince her that your marriage is worth saving, and you can try to show her how you've changed, and how you're now willing to do whatever it takes to recover. You can also 'draw the line' when SHE attempts to go into dangerous/destructive behaviors that threaten your marriage and your family.

What actual guidance has your MC provided you on this?

Plan B is not for the wayward spouse. Plan B is to wait out an ongoing affair, it will not help your wife to heal her resentment or bitterness, only trying to meet her needs consistantly over a period of time will possibly do that.

My H & I were separated 5 times over a period of 2 years (I think that is more unique than your situation). He was the WS and continued working with the OW, and she continued to be the OW.

I did date during the last separation as I served him D papers. At that point he decided he wanted our marriage. He didn't RESENT ME for being hurt and deciding I had had enough. Instead HE CHANGED for the positive and showed me how much he loves me. Even when I didn't respect him or his changes.

We've been reconciled 7 years. We've recovered. I respect him very much and we are happily married.

Sine I have been farther down the road than I hope you will have to go, please listen when I say, like most of the other posters here are telling you, Plan B for you is the WRONG TRACK if you really do want to reconcile.

Just like trust, respect has to be earned over the long haul, once it has been broken.

Our MC has told me that I need to give her space. That I need to give her time to deal with her emotions. I need to validate her anger and I can never apologize enough. All of these I have been doing WITHOUT boundaries. She has partied, come home drunk at 2am but wanted to stay out longer. She only came home because the friends she was with had to work the next day. This is not speculation, this is direclty from her mouth. And I've kept quite out of fear of losing her because she would see me as controlling if I spoke up. When I talked with MC about the living together while she continues to live the single life, MC said that that will NEVER do any good or be good for anyone.


Here is where I am now after listening to your suggestions.

I must be willing to let her live with me and endure her anger and her resentment and her emotional distance, which I am. HOWEVER, I need to set clear boundaries that her destructive behavior cannot continue if she chooses to live at home. Two wrongs do not make a right, and while she has clearly stated that she is not moving home to work on the marriage, her going out clubbing every weekend and some weeknights, coming home at 2am or not at all, coming home drunk, then having a hangover the whole next day will not be acceptable behavior as it is damaging to the kids and to me as well. I cannot and will not control her behavior, that is not my right. But when it impacts the health of our finances (Visa spending sprees for new clubbing outfits and beer), our broken marriage, or our kids, I cannot allow it to continue.

I do not resent her for her anger, nor her actions. I understand why she feels that way. However, I firmly believe that the way she is going about addressing her anger, is not healthy for her, or our marriage, and I can't sit idly by waiting for her to stop. I can lead her to water, but I can't make her drink. I have been trying to drag that dead horse to water for 6 months now. It is a heavy and resistant dead horse that is stuck in the mud. Plus, its dead so if I got it to water, it wouldn't drink anyways.

The Plan B letter above makes sense. It is everything I've said in this post. It will need more cleaning. Like the cutting off all contact, that doesn't have to happen for us. But she can't force the kids and I to watch her destroy herself.

Thanks,
B

Rather than try to send her a plan B letter, I'd discuss this in detail in your next MC session.

I'd also consider getting a new MC...giving ANYONE space isn't healing the marriage, its promoting the end of the marriage. Your MC is obviously full of snot. Fire them, and hire someone who can outline a PLAN to recover your marriage...not some hack just out to collect your weekly fee.

She DOES need time to deal with her emotions. BUT...your MC should also be working with HER to help her find SAFE ways to deal with her emotions that aren't destructive to your marriage and family. Space leads to isolation...and that will inevitably lead to divorce. Get an MC that has a clue...that's the BEST advice I can give you.

BTW...given your wife's current anger, hurt, resentment, etc...


Do you REALLY think that she'll 'come to her senses and come back to you' if you go to plan B? I do NOT.

Plan B is done after a stellar plan A. That plan A clearly shows what the WAYWARD spouse is about to lose if they continue their wayward behavior. In your case, there's not been enough true "plan A" that I'm aware of to cause your wife to miss you when you go to plan B.

Instead, you're removing yourself from the situation while she's still focused on her anger and pain and the memories of your cheating on her. Nothing for her to miss when you're not in her face all the time...make sense? Instead, she'll feel free to focus on being single again...and won't 'miss' you at all. Why would she miss thinking about all that pain and hurt?

Going to plan B at this point...giving space at this point...sets the stage for her to walk out of your marriage forever. She's not going to miss being with you. Not for a long time yet, if ever.

Seriously, get an MC who has healed couples from the damage of infidelity. That understands what she's going through, and can help her deal with her anger and pain without destroying your marriage and family.