My WW didn't leave because she was afraid.

She was afraid of:

Starting all over.
Giving up her life for an OM she really didn't know all that well.
Of what her family would think.

I think many waywards are intrinsically cowards. They are afraid to deal with problems in their marriages. They are afraid to tell BS about their affairs.

I so agree with this more than I can state!

Thanks to all for the support. Since WH travels and won't quit his job, I delivered Plan B letter via overnight mail to his hotel (assuming that he was where he said that he would be). Evidently he received it because I have been avoiding his calls all day now. He questioned my employees as to where I was today.

MF - My exposure the 2nd time was nuclear too. Once I got over the part about being embarrassed to tell everyone (we looked to them like the happy couple that I THOUGHT we were, I went whole hog with it. Now EVERYONE that I talk to knows. Maybe I went to far the other way, but after all of these affair related murders in the news, I figure you can't be too careful. Also changed beneficiary on LI today.

Like you, I feel a wierd sense of relief. I keep thinking "why am I not crying?", "why am I not more depressed?", "why am I looking forward to my future now when before I thought that I had none?". NOT what I expected to happen. Now, it could come crashing down on me at any moment, but for now I'm running with this good feeling and I'm going out to dinner with friends and will EAT (something I haven't done in 5 months - have lost weight).


Anyway, I attribute my stability right now to the fact that I found this website and found those of you who have comforted me and advised me through this. I am so appreciative of that. At first, I was so embarrassed because I thought that there must be something wrong with me to have been so betrayed by the only person in the world that I trusted, but you all have shown me that I'm not alone. If I can knit something for anyone of you, let me know!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pio, I believe that mine isn't leaving for the same reasons as your WW didn't leave. We're life boats...

DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

PLAN B - IMPLEMENTED 6/26/07 (my daughter's birthday)

Thanks guys (generic term, but just in case someone takes offense - gals too).

knit ~

So glad that you are already experiencing some peace from Plan B. It's having the desired effect on you!

Keep in mind, it's a roller coaster. You will have some "down' moments...come here and post when you do and we'll help you through. It can be rough. It always helped me to remember that, just as it's true that "that which goes up, must come down", the reverse of that is true as well...so hang in there when those down moments occur, because it WILL get better.

Glad that you will be able to eat tonight...most of us went through some version of the Infidelity Diet. It's nice when food actually starts to taste good again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh, and remember this: if/when you get into recovery, it's no bowl of cherries. Try to enjoy the serenity of Plan B while you can, and build up your energy and stamina for the possible recovery period. It's kind of funny how our main goal through out all of this Plan A / Plan B stuff is to end the affair and get into recovery. We just aren't prepared for what a b*tch it is once we get there.

Not that it isn't worth it ~ I believe it will be. I'm just glad that i appreciated Plan B for what it was; we'd been through a false recovery and I knew that if / when we got into real recovery, it was gonna suck. So I made sure I enjoyed myself while I could ~ I kept very busy with some fun, and some relaxing stuff while I could. I am so glad that I did!


Ok, I will take one of those really fuzzy, mulit-colored scarves that are the new thing. Not too long, though, I'm short and I hate it when they hit me in the butt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

MF,

Thanks so much for the words of wisdom. Just one question - how did you know when to officially end Plan B? When they agree to your terms? How do we know they will follow through??

Hope you can help with that....

Regarding intermediaries:

1. Intermediaries act as "SPAM filters", allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B to be passed on to protect you, the BS.

They do not share any other info WH sends, regardless of how benign the content.The intermediary can tell you WH sent something.

2. Intermediary remains neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.

3. If WH sends something inappropriate, your intermediary thanks WH for his communication, but lets WH know it will not be shared and refer him back to the PBL.

4. If WH tries to contact you any other way, intermediary will indicate you have not opened/listened to whatever it is, and refer WH back to intermediary for all communication.

Obviously, the key here is to be very consistent and not allow WH to push the boundary.



Regarding attempts at contact for discussing reconciliation

the biggest mistake people make is taking the WH back with no clear-cut plan for R

1. WH does not have to end the A before you can talk about R
So a NC letter FIRST is not a requirement.

2. You spell out what WH needs to do...get help for the addiction

3. You should wait WH to show you what he is offering without giving any indication of where you stand.

-WH does all the talking

-See what his plan is for R

-How does he know he is ready?

-He has to be showing actions that are consistent with R

-Show you he has/plans to remove OW from his life

- Tell WH you will both need help/guidance, and tell WH you know someone who can be that guide. (Harley)

Thanks Pepper. I understand now. I want to be sure that I do this the right way, because I don't think that I can go through another false recovery.

Yes, Plan B can end when he agrees to ALL of your conditions. There is no negotiating on your Plan B conditions; either he meets them, or he doesn't.

And hold him to that ~ he may try later to reneg on them, so keep that Plan B letter handy. And remind him of where the door is if he tries to pull that crap on you.

That is also how you will *know* he will follow through. That door is always open, and he is always free to leave if he chooses to try to renegotiate at any time.

Plan B conditions are NON-NEGOTIABLE.

MiM

She actually SAID what I put in bold? Just saw your post.

Larry

Larry,

I think that some actually have no intention of leaving. I just contacted a single friend of mine who I worked with 5 years ago. When I knew her then, she was in an affair with a MM, and she told me that he was leaving his wife for her. When I contacted her this past week (after 5 years mind you) I really thought that I would find them married and either happy or already divorced. But guess what? He's still leaving his wife for her!!!! No, really this time she says. Yikes...

I am about to hit Plan B only because I have forced WW out of the house. I have been trying to implement plan A with no effect as WW will not end her A. So after some discussion, some mediation, lots of LB's I finally told her where to get off and that if OM was all he is cracked up to be get out and be with him. I said "don't talk about it do it", so she has agreed to move out.

In the meantime we have agreed, which has come from mediation (you have to show willing) that I will live at my brothers for the 4 days I'm at work and she will live at her parents for the 4 days I'm off. Once finances are sorted there will be now contact. She said I just wants to be friends. I said you have got to be joking after what you have put me through. I wouldn't put my worst enemy through that.

Needless to say I now don't give a toss if we ever sort things out I'll be just glad I don't have to put up with her crap.

One thing my WW admitted to today was that she cries most of the time she is with OM (GREAT best news I've ever heard)

HAF-

I just did my Plan B too. After 5.5 months of a false recovery/Plan A, I found out that it is still going on. Only so much we can take. My WH kept telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me blahblahglah, but the entire time he was still in contact and seeing OW. The ugly truth is that they want both. My WH even said one time that he couldn't be married to OW. Said she was too wild. Bottom line, he wanted to stay married, but continue the A.

KG...how is it that you can call a woman that sleeps with a MM your friend. Perhaps it is time to call her your ex friend and find a better class of people to associate with. If you happen to know the poor victim of your friends and the OM... you should let her know what has been going on for five years.
It's funny, you come here to get help with an affiar and yet you befriend a ho that is sleeping with another womans wife. Do you see a problem with that?

MEDC
Scratch my former reply, I thought that you were talking about something else. Confused.

I should have explained that this was a former co-worker who was my counterpart in the Eastern region (I'm MW), so when I say friend, I mean it generically. She is in another state, I have no idea who the guy is or even his name. Hadn't spoken with her in 5 years. A fluke that we even spoke recently. Anyway, of course I DO NOT condone it but I can't police every A that I know about. The awful thing is, her 1st H left her for the OW, so she knows full well what she is doing and knows the extreme pain of being a WS.

Knitgirl,

I read on Helpwwife's thread about you being low right now. This is the part of the Plan B where you begin withdrawal, from your WH, from the drama, and your own fog will begin to lift. It SUX! I know.

When you are sad, post, even if it's late, maybe no one will reply, but people will wake up and see that you are down, and talk to you about what's happening with you. Plan B is not for wusses, and after such a long Plan A, I can tell you are NOT a wuss.

IT WILL GET BETTER! Unless you are a masochist, and enjoy wallowing in self pity, it will get better, as the fog lifts and you recognize, truly recognize, the WS for what he is, an IMPOSTER. You will be happy not to hear from him, and still be able to keep the flame for the husband burning.

YOu will start to feel more like YOU again, a thing that gets lost in all of the Plan Aing, selflessness. It's funny, I know, in plan A, you are supposed to get back to the things that you like, and show changes in yourself, BE the person they fell in love with, and even though I did make changes, I still felt like I was pretending much of the time. It wasn't until Plan B that I really got to see those changes really come to fruition. I finally felt like I wasn't pretending anymore.

Now, in recovery, my time in Plan B has paid off. I take criticism so much better than before; I was the walking wounded after my false recovery, unable and unwilling to work on me anymore. Once Plan B starting taking a hold, and I had more peace, and my obsessive thoughts stopped, I was able to hear what people were saying about me. I was able to really make those changes STICK.

I write what's going on with me, now, and wait to be set straight. I have much more confidence in MB, also; I am comfortable learning from people here, and taking advice.

It gets better.

(((Knitgirl)))

Thanks SL. I guess it is the withdrawl that is killing me. Up to this point he has always tried to come back. Of course, it was to keep both, but it made me feel like I was wanted somewhat. Does that make sense?? I felt like I had a chance before because it seemed like he couldn't decide. He said he wanted me, but wouldn't cut off contact with OP.

I've been wondering all day if I've done the right thing. I'm trying to keep faith in the MB principles though, because it's certainly the best thing that I've found. I've been second guessing myself too much. I keep thinking that if I had done a better Plan A (fewer outbursts, more admiration, less resentment) I wouldn't be in this spot now.

I think that I may do a session with Dr. Harley. That may give me some comfort. Thanks for your support. How long were in in Plan B?

I was in Plan B for nine months on and off ( a false recovery in there, to BOOT).

Of course, it was to keep both, but it made me feel like I was wanted somewhat. Does that make sense??

Ah, perfect sense. You are feeling the loss again; you feel like you have given him over to OW on a silver platter. Well, it's really only silver in color, it's actually one of those aluminum trays that are used for one time baking; pretty flimsy, won't hold much weight for very long. He's gonna tumble off of that platter.

I'm still pretty early in recovery, and FWH is going through withdrawal, so my confidence in recovery is not as high as those who are further along, but the script is real. I've seen it in action. The fog is real, seen that in action, too.

Oh, and one more thing, don't let the length of Plan B frighten you, okay. Just do one day at a time right now.

You will regain strength as your withdrawal takes place. NEVER contact your WH about this, come here.

The more you read, the more amazing it gets. Sounds like a typical TOW (The Other Woman) deal. I am amazed at the stupidity of men and women who get themselves over their head in adultery. See, I have always felt there was a very, very selfish reason NOT to betray your spouse; call it self inflicted pain. I mean the BS doesn't choose to be gutted like a fish but at least he/she has an outside source they can blame. The WS who gets gutted has nobody to blame but themselves, which leads to a whole nuther set of stupid thinking.

Larry

Knitgirl, I while ago on another thread, FWS’s/WS’s where asked to provide reasons (especially if they believed that they were "in love" with the OP), on why they did not leave their spouses or why the thought of leaving their spouses never crossed their minds. I (and a few other FWS’s) responded there so if you’re interested or want more insight, HERE is the link.

KG-

I know what you are saying about the fact that he always wanted to come back...

I told my WH to leave, was FURIOUS about our whole situation, and then days after he was gone, I was hit with the, "what the heck... he is not begging to come back?" A total slap. More time went on, and he did not ask to come back.

The closest he got to was a "maybe I can come back".

A MAYBE.

And at the time it infuriated me, and I think that it drove me to try to get him to want to come back. Because I wanted him back? I don't even think so. But just so I could have the satisfaction of him wanting to come back.

I just want to tell you that it is normal. Totally normal to feel that you are wanted when they want to come back, and beg you to come back. But it does not always work that way.

You will be fine in time. You are doing a great job already!