I think you are confused. I'm not angry about my situation. In fact, my marriage is recovering, and in many ways, it is better than before the affair. I think you are OBVIOUSLY too involved with OM to be objective about your situation. I don't think that a man who would sleep with a married woman is a piece of garbage because my W cheated on me. In fact, I though that way before we ever had any problems. Quit rationalizing your behavior.

Watch that clip that ML posted. That is where I got my info on infidelity and rape. No, I haven't been raped, and you may think that getting raped was worse than getting cheated on, but for many people, including people that Dr. Harley has counseled, infidelity is more traumatic than rape or physical abuse. Considering that you haven't helped him deal with that trauma, and only made it worse by continuing your affair, it is understandable that he is acting out.

I can't believe you used marriage money to loan the OM. Can't you see this guy is no good?

Okay Margie...

I have been sexually assaulted and have been a victim of infidelity. The infidelity is worse as it happens from the person that has vowed to take care of you.
I also work with victims of assault on a daily basis... so, I will tell you from experience, you have no clue as to what you are talking about.
Now, that being said... you have created this drama in your life. You are being abused at home because you have abused your H. He is dead wrong for what he is doing and needs help. You have repeatedly raped him over the years and continue to do so. You took a man that was already fragile and sent him over the edge. That is the reality of the situation right now. Now, moving forward, you need to protect yourself and get out of the relationship with the OM. It shows a lack of class, character and integrity on your part. You are behaving like a prostitute. You need to also get away from your H and if there is any chance of reconciliation, you both need counseling and he needs to speak to the issue of abuse immediately. You have also been abusive to him... I hope you realize that. Until such a time as a counselor tells you that he is no longer a danger...DO NOT RESIDE OR MEET WITH HIM ALONE. No matter the fact that these are seeds you planted, you are in danger and need to protect yourself. I feel that you also owe it to your H to help see him through this mess that YOU created.

MEDC

If a man is physically HITTING you, then you need to get him out of your life now. Or in therapy IMMEDIATELY. You need to get to a safe house or protection. Abuse is bad, no matter how you look at it.

Changing everything: if you are being abused, then you must protect yourself FIRST. Get yourself out of that potential fatal position and then you can evaluate your M more clearly. Get counseling and legal advice. Changes everything means simply: don't stay to get hit on more. Period.

And I ditto Lexxy. End BOTH relationships now. Both are toxic to YOU.

Let's remember who the real victim is here. It's not Margie. I suspect her charges of "abuse" are grossly exaggerated [most waywards lie about this anyway because they are practiced liars] or she wouldn't have continued to have the affair in the first place. If it was truly bad, she would have left already. But, apparently it didn't bother her enough to even pack a bag. She wasn't worried about it all herself, so I am none too concerned either. She knew those risks, yet it never stopped her a second.

If my spouse tortured me with an affair and the subsequent lies for years, I would probably be driven crazy enough to get very abusive as a defensive measure. Folks actually have NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS and years of PTSD from being abused like this.

Margie, if you are truly scared, which i doubt, tell your H with a witness and then leave the home. Pack your bags and vamoose!

That has always confused me.

IF your husband is abusive and violent....why would you continue with an activity (ie. AFFAIR) that is GUARANTEED to drive said-abusive-spouse over the freaking edge??????

Is there any logic in that???

Female waywards have a tendency to pimp sympathy for themselves by claiming "abuse." Please keep that in mind, folks. Apparently, the so-called "abuse" never motivated her enough to leave or stop abusing her H, so I have my doubts. She has been none too worried about it herself, so I am not either.

Even so, if he is "abusing" her in response to her abuse, she still owes him the truth and should just tell him with another person present. She needs to pack her bags and find another place to live.

I have carried the bodies of cheaters that have been killed by their BS after being pushed one too many times. People that never had any run in with the law are suddenly driven to sticking a steak knife in a belly, pulling a trigger of a gun that was purchased to protect the family...except it couldn't protect against a ww or wh harming the family worse than any burgular ever could...
My point is, good people are driven nuts by the actions of these cruel WS. You want to be wayward....get the f out of the marriage....or deal with the consequences.
As for the facts here... as many women as men strike out against their mate in a physical way...societal norms make a man pressing charges much less likely so we wind up with a bunch of femi-nazis that become gender specific when it comes to abuse.
My contention is that Margie has abused in her H in way that is at least as offensive and deadly to her BH.

I think the question should be "Is there any TRUTH in that?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Alright here is the only question:

Are you going to end your affair and have no contact with your lover for life?

If not, then get the he11 off this forum. I'm not going to help or waste my time on an unrepentant adulteress.

A friend of mine was getting sucked in by one of those damsals-in-distress.
They worked together. She would pour her little heart out to him about how bad her hubby and father of 3 children was.
She would call him and sneak around to talk to him.

He felt sorry for her. He was worried about how abusive and violent her husband was.

I had to point out the craziness of that.
Ummmm if you were married and found out your wife was sneaking around calling some guy and meeting with him, wouldn't you go out of your mind????
Ummmm if her husband is "abusive and violent" do you really think she would risk doing things that would guarantee his anger????

Clearly this girl was exagerating (lying about) the abuse to get my friends sympathy and attention. And he was heading straight into an affair!
DUH.

Like MEDC said.


You say your BH does not know that you are still committing adultery. Well, that may be true. But you also said he was unable to talk to you about matters regarding sexuality. So he is someone that has a hard time dealing with relational matters. Maybe he is not aware of your adultery. But he is certainly aware of your behaviors related to your relationship with him because he is LIVING it. Your behaviors related to your relationship with him cannot be healthy because you are keeping big-time secrets from him. You are leading the life of a wayward spouse under his very nose. I am certain that he notices THAT. This adultery in no way justifies his abusive behavior. But like MEDC said, you started the ball rolling on this mess.

Only I might add that since you are actively involved in adultery, it is hard for me to take you at your word regarding your BH's abuse of you. But if what you are saying is accurate...Like MEDC said.
Lake

I would wager that he very much senses she is still cheating but is being driven crazy because he can't catch her. After years of this, she is no doubt a practiced liar who is very good at hiding her affair. He is probably half out of his mind by now. I know I would be.

Is that the case, Margie? Is he obsessed with catching you but just has not been able to do it?

Margie,

YOU are out of your mind if you don't think having your faith in the person you loved more than anything in the world and who said they loved you destroyed along with infinite damage to your children by way of one's selfishness in having an affair is akin to RAPE. It is very much as painful experience as told by those that have suffered both. Just because you want to justify your affair by not comparing it to rape of your husband is your problem, not anyone elses.

You know what you need to do. First of all you know what you should have done and that is DIVORCE YOUR HUSBAND BEFORE SCREWING ANOTHER MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you did not want to be married to someone who couln't didn't satisfy you sexually then you should have tried to get help and if that didn't work you should have divorced him, not used him to pay your bills, and such while you screw around like a teenager in heat.

Too late for that now. So if you are really serious about getting help (and I doubt you are at this point) then you need to stop seeing OM immediately and have no contact, you need to be honest and open with your husband and try and rebuild a new marriage with the help of counseling and comittment on both parts to meet each others needs. AND if that doesn't work at some point then divorce husband and go and be single. But, don't kid yourself and make a half hearted effort all the while knowing you just want to be able to tell yourself "I tried" and then keep OM on the hook and waiting in the wings until you make yourself feel less quilty about what you have done.

Good luck.

Margie,

Your post is interesting from the standpoint that you come to a marriage builders site, state that your H has
Even while you were having an affair. You continue the affair that your H "thought" was ended a year ago. Your H becomes "abusive" in the last few months apparently actually "only" verbally, and you continue the affair and "loan/give" your OM hard earned money that you and your H earned.

Then you want advice about handling your marriage while REFUSING to end your affair. And yes you are REFUSING to end the affair because it is simple end even if it is not easy.

Sorry you will get no advice here other than to end that affair. My guess is that your H knows or suspects and I would also guess that YOU have not treated your H well during your affair. HOw do I know? He is very attentive, he can tell that you are not. You cannot possibly be attentive, kind, loving to your H while in an affair with the OM.

You are lying to yourself, you are lying to your H, and you are lying to us. First step is get HONEST with yourself and face the fact that you have NO justification to be doing to your H what you are. You control this. You control the affair. You control how you interact with your H. ANd yes you even CONTROL his abuse by remaining or leaving.

My guess is that you are so money hungry that you will try anything to get the money out of the business before you dump your H. Oh! and you never mentioned why might have felt "inadequate" in bed with you. My bet there is much more to that than you have told us as well.

IF you want help, you need to get honest with your self, and quit the "poor me" victim crap. You are NOT the victim here. You are exactly where you have placed yourself.

THink about it.

JL

Margie...

I will not discount any abuse, but liars have a reputation for not being trusted.

You have to understand that lack of remorse (meaning blatant unwillingness to stop A) smacks in the face of all BS and hardworking recovering FWS. And that is what you are doing.

I'll spoon feed you, since that is what you need and asked for.

Step 1: STOP seeing OM and NEVER see him again FOR LIFE.
Step 2: Leave your house until it is safe to return, assuming you are truly in danger and are being abused.
Step 3: Go to MC. ASAP. Yesterday. NOW. Either way, you and your H need counseling NOW. There are many issues that have to be worked out.
Step 4: WORK on your marriage. Understand that the "rape" you referred to is the equivalent of what you have done to your husband OVER AND OVER for years, not just once. He is a the breaking point, and no one here can blame him.
Step 5: Recover. With or without your H. NOT with OM. Your A must never rear its ugly head again and this will take determination on your part. Regardless of whether or not your marriage survives, YOU have to make sure this behavior does NOT repeat. You are an addict. Treat your behavior as such.

Princessmeggy,
thank you for your kind, rational response. Some of these posters are extremely judgemental...and I would like to say to those doubting the physical/mental abuse that it HAS happened. I have never in my life been as afraid of someone as I have been of my H at times in the last 6 months. But anybody that has ever been in an abusive relationship can tell you how hard it can be to get out. And I have been trying to be strong in order to close up our business, which I hope to accomplish in another month or so.

I don't feel that I am using his abusive behavior as an excuse to continue the affair, but it has pushed me to the OM again - for protection/support.

I appreciate your comments about doing things the right way - divorcing first and finding someone new. I have thought about that many times. I have often thought that my relationship with the OM wouldn't last very long after I left my H.

And yes, part of the reason I am staying in the relationship with the OM is because I'm afraid of not being able to pay the loan back myself...since we sold our business I don't have a regular income of my own. And because I took the loan in my name from a bank, regular payments need to be made, and I have no way of doing that myself without my H finding out. So I am at the mercy of the OM to make payments.

BTW, even though I don't understand/agree with some of the posts, I do appreciate everyones responses.

To be blunt, not rude – if you will not leave this OM and stop you’re selfish piggish affair then why are you here? What is it that you want from being here?

Lexxxy,
thank you for your kind words and suggestions.

She advised you to end your affair. Are you going to do it? As for the husband, I think you'd be surprised that he would become a lot less abusive if you actually stopped cheating on him and put some effort into your marriage.

Just not afraid enough to a) stop abusing him, b) stop stealing his money and c) leave or d) call the police. So excuse me if I dont find your so-called "fear" very convincing. You ask us to be "scared" for you, but YOU WEREN'T. You were perfectly willing to risk his ire by cheating on him, lying, and stealing his money.

I think if you had been a little more "judgmental" yourself, you might not find yourself in this position in the first place. You are SUPPOSED to judge right from wrong, it is not a fault but a VIRTUE.

But, first things first, Margie. I am going to sound like broken record because I don't think you are listening. YOUR HUSBAND HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

When will you tell you husband the truth so he can protect himself from your abuse?