You want some affirmation that it is okay to continue seeing your OM while you divorce your husband. You also want some sympathy. You won't find it here. You have been emotionally abusing your husband for years, and now you can't take it when it dishes it back. You said that your relationship with OM won't last after you leave your H, but why don't you then end your relationship with OM FIRST before you decide what to do with your husband. Your husband has no right to abuse you, but trust me, you have abused him far more than he has abused you. Your whole relationship is completely screwed up, but it can be saved and made better than ever before. That is the message we are trying to get across. It will take a lot of hard work, but you MUST separate from OM first. If you aren't going to do that, then get the he11 off this forum. You don't belong here. This is called Marriage BUILDERS not marriage destroyers.

What you are doing with this OM is illegal in all states except some counties in Nevada if you get my drift.

This is another lie and an excuse to continue to lie. You are not at the "mercy" of anyone. And yes, you can pay it back. You can get a job just like everyone else in America. Still, your H has a RIGHT to know the truth.

To not tell him is CRUEL, MANIPULATIVE AND DANGEROUS. You are a DANGER to him, and the sooner he knows this, the better.

margie, the problem with this forum is that bullsh*t has a very short shelf life here. You won't get any sympathy here for abusing your H. We won't allow you to come here and make excuses for your cruelty. So, you might as well get honest and stop with the endless excuses because ya can't bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. It just doesn't "work" here.

But Mel, she has a job, it's boinking OM so that the loan gets paid off <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />. does that make her a .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. Oh, but I guess she won't respond to this because she is only responding to the gentle folk. Fogdom reigns.
Lake

lake, you are so "judgmental!" lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Lake - I was going to say at least she wasn't putting out for free! Ya beat me.

Margie - if you ever get around to removing your head from your waste disposal unit, you will see that these "unkind" responses you reject are the absolute truth.

You made a mistake if you thought anyone here would enable your raqping of your husband.

Don't like the rape word? It's the exact word Dr Harley uses to describe the effect of an affair on a BS.

Are we judgemental? Sure. We can judge appalling behaviour and recognise it a mile away.

Really, do some of you folks need to be so nasty and call me a ******? I obviously understand that what I'm doing is wrong or I wouldn't have posted here. The reason I have responded to those trying to be kind and understanding is because those are the types of comments I came here for, and I guess I didn't expect to get so many mean responses.

I am still feeling very confused about exactly what I should do - not about ending the affair - you have all spoken loud and clear about that - but about what to do with the physical/mental abuse I am now going through with my husband. Back to my original question - do I stay or do I go?

I am having some difficulty with those of you that twist my story into something that you imagine it to be and then reply to me as though that is the truth.

The truth is that my husband started this mess 8 years ago when he decided to withhold sex from me and was never willing to talk about it. I am not trying to make excuses for my current behavior (which by the way has been over the last 1 1/2 years...not MANY years as some of you have insinuated). But to be in a relationship that to everyone else seems loving and wonderful but to know yourself that the natural progression of that love (sex) is not being shown to you IS an abusive relationship...I tried many, many times to discuss of sex life with my H, but he was never willing to talk about it, always had one excuse or another, usually that he was "too tired" to talk.

I get what some of you have said about the whole "rape" thing. I guess because I was actually physically raped many years ago I don't like using that term in regards to mental issues. To me rape is a physical, violent crime.

I have read an reread your comments, and even though I don't like the manner is which some of you have responded, I do appreciate your time(even though some of you are using me as a punching bag for your own jokes).

I second this post.

One more thing...again to those of you that doubt the validity of the physical abuse I have been through...
the first time it happened was at our cabin in a remote national forest...not exactly anyone around to help. The second time was at home and when I threatened to call the police the physical part of the fight stopped(not the mental-that went on for several hours). And the last time was all mental, including him telling me that he had made phone calls he hadn't, just to upset me further, and him taking his belongings and saying he was leaving.

We have been back to our cabin only twice since the "incident"...once with my stepson, and once alone. I was able to hold myself together for the most part in front of my stepson, but the last time I had a panic attack in the car on the way there and again a day later.

I have an extra car key hidden in the garage, I have 2 friends willing to let me come to their homes day or night, I have a phone list that I carry with me at all times, and the pamphlet from the womans shelter. Would I really go through all this if the abuse was not real?

Your wrote this:
"I am still feeling very confused about exactly what I should do"

then you go on to say that you were physicaly abused 3 times. Why are you still confused? IMHO there would have never been a second time, but that's me.

I don't think you have it in you to leave him. You don't seem to have it in you to do anything that may be hard to do in life. Our opinion will not sway you from your H or the OM. You keep asking the same thing over and over and you chose not to listen to anyone.

What will you do for yourself? When will you stand up for what is right?

Margie,

We have told you numerous times what to do. You don't like our answer, so you dismiss our posts as personal attack, and keep asking. If I wasn't trying to help you, why would I keep posting?

To answer your original question, I can't tell you what to do right now, but here is what I think you should do.

First, end the affair and have NC with OM for life. Secondly, move out and tell your H that you will not tolerate his abuse any more. You must give him a list of conditions he must meet before you move back in like MC, IC, anger management classes, etc. In these MC sessions you need to confess that your affair has still been going on, but that you have finally ended it, and you will be transparent and give him verifiable evidence to prove NC with OM. Then you will give your marriage a trial period of AT LEAST six months to a year to see if things are improving. Then you can make a decision to leave, stay, or re-evaluate in another six months. That is my answer. It is not a simple yes or no because your situation is not a simple one.

Do you understand that your husbands abuse will likely stop if you end your affair and show some kind of attempt to work on the marriage? Do you understand that his abuse only started AFTER he found out about the affair, and the two might be corrolated. I feel that you owe it to him, yourself, and God to at least attempt to save this marriage because you are the one who started this whole downward spiral. If it doesn't work out, at least you can say you did everything possible to save it. You can walk away holding your head high. You can't walk away with integrity if you leave him while you still have your lover on the side.

JMWC95 is wise beyond his years with that last post. There is your blueprint Margie. No, its no fun to stop getting a fix be it drugs, alcohol, porn, OR in your case an affair. The short term gain always looks good in the, everyone with me now, SHORT TERM. The things that are best for our lives are usually not the easiest.

JMW's plan is a good one if you have the fortitude to follow it.

Yet it was not enough to get you to stop your affair and stop abusing your H. It was not even enough to make you leave, so since you don't see this as a big issue, neither do I. Your H has not done 1/10th the harm to you that you continue to do to him. You are the danger here, not him.


And adultery is much worse. Dr. Bill Harley, who is a PSYCHOLOGIST who specializes in adultery, says that adultery is as traumatic to its victim as RAPE or the death of a child. Please understand that every day you continue to carry on your adultery is a continued RAPE of your husband. He is the victim here, not you.

But, if you feel afraid, then you should LEAVE. But you still have an obligation to tell him the truth.

thank you JMWC95 and hopeandpray...
I will very seriously think about your last posts and do more praying of my own.
Margie

Good. I just don't want you to confuse "tough love" with a "personal attack." Everyone here is trying to help you. We all have our different styles, but we are all trying to help you. Some peoples' patience is thinner than others, and your reluctance to give up your lover is seen as a slap in the face to the many BSs that are trying to help.

I hope you understand that the best possible outcome for your situation is to have a GREAT marriage with you current HUSBAND. That would be ideal. I want you to know that with a LOT of WORK, it CAN be POSSIBLE. It has happened to many of us. We just needed to learn the tools to make it possible. My WW didn't think that to be the case, and that is why she was reluctanct to give up her OM. Now she wishes the whole thing never happened because she caused me a TON of UNNECESSARY PAIN.

Indeed, he may not know. But he is likely feeling the loss of connection through the years of poor marriage practices and don’t fail to discount your affair activities as a major contributor. You see, so long as you are able to fill your emotional needs in another man’s arms your husband likely feels unimportant, unneeded and unloved. Hopefully, you will find that his more recent abusive ways are solely grounded in the loss of the “marriage connection”.

You can’t make your husband be better to you but you can certainly take action to create an environment where love can grow. That is something you can do, but the rest will be up to him and how he deals with your disclosure of your affair history, as you have given him due justification to end the marriage. While he will undoubtedly be crushed in strange way you will be providing him a true explanation of the years of neglect that he has endured. So that means the “key” to everything that you desire lies in your disclosure of your affair activity to your husband. Even more than that, your disclosure becomes the “key” to your own mental health. Funny thing is that it is YOU that will benefit the most from your disclosure. You will free yourself of years of lies, half-truths and outright deceit and thus give your marriage the ONLY chance it has to again flourish.

As to how you disclose to him your affair, I suggest that you consider telling him in a letter, as it may be smart for you to remove yourself from a potentially abusive encounter. Simply state you are in an affair that you want to end or even better it would be great to tell him that you have ended the affair to work on your marriage. Tell him that you hope to restore your marriage with him (if that is indeed what you want). Take responsibility for your decision to have the affair (sadly you get 100 percent credit for that decision). He of course has shortcomings of his own and he may come to find that he helped contribute to creating an environment where an affair could grow, but please do not state his shortcomings in your letter. Try to limit the letter to a maximum of one half page long.

I suggest that you leave the letter where he can find it. You should probably pack a bag and wait it out in a hotel room. Once he reads the letter he will likely call you and want to meet. The safe place to meet is in a restaurant or even better in the office of a marriage counselor. Hopefully, that meeting will revel to you if it is safe for you to return home providing of course that that is what you BOTH want.

Your disclosure under the terms that I have suggested will change your husband’s and your life. The change will be for the better. You both have much to work on and all that means is that you are not much different then the many who have come before you.

For any of this to work you must come to this realization; “You will never again see or contact the other man in any manner whatsoever for the rest of your life.” Prepare yourself to forfeit the $7,500 loan and never look back. I would say to you “foolish girl” but I have the feeling that this is something you already know.

Good luck with your disclosure and no contact. Sooner is much, much better than latter.

Mr. G

thank you Mr. G -
I think that is probably the best advice yet. I cannot tell you how appreciative I am that you thought this through so thoroughly and took the time to give me such a lengthy response. I cried reading your note. I have a very good idea that when I reveal my ongoing affair to my H he will want to divorce, and maybe that will be a blessing in disguise. We are leaving for a week at our cabin with my parents...it will be a good opportunity to really think about everything that everyone has said to me over the last few days. My biggest issue (and I know what you all will say ) is that I'm not ready yet to give up my OM. So please be patient with me!
thank you again to everyone that has responded...I will update you soon.
Margie

Margie,

I see your head clearing a little and even though you admit that you are not ready to give up OM, you at least know that you need to, that's a step ahead of many waywards.

Doing the right thing is hardly ever the easy thing. This is a crossroads moment for you and your life, imo. Think long and hard Margie!