Mine's not such a happy one...but since we are speaking of anniverseries...

One year ago today I found the emails. Ugh. They were explicit and disgusting. It validated everything I had not even allowed myself to believe...I remember just being in total shock, mostly because he had so vociferiously (sp?) denied that ANYTHING was going on. WH: She is your friend, LS, they just get along well and have a lot in common, how could I THINK such a thing? I asked him to, and he did, look me in the eye and tell me there is nothing going on.

The emails revealed the truth...finally.

In a way, it feels good to make it to today. I've been dreading it. What's kind of funny is that I have memories of the days after d-day WISHING for a year to have gone by so it would all be "over." HA! Another joke on me.

So it's kind of a turning point for me.

I had the house appraisal done yesterday, and promptly went off to play poker with the girls. Sort of a shrug response.

I've been working really, really hard to examine myself in a more objective light. Also examining WH and what he's done...when I separate myself from the situation and try to have some objectivity (as much as is possible), it is very, very clear. I'd probably be throwing up my hands if I had to deal with me. (if that makes any sense)

Me = not so bad! Nice, fun, successful, intelligent, good mom. A pretty good wife; a good catch, a good match for WH.
WH = completely blown it. Wow...who knew?
The boys = priceless.

To me, family was (and is) everything. Always has been. All I ever wanted. That's me, and that's admirable. I thought that was WH, too, but apparently not, or at least not any more.

I kind of look back on those "old days"--when the boys were litle and we were so happy, realizing our American Dream--as just that...a dream being realized. We had it--we got our dream. We were so very, very blessed and didn't even realize it, we sort of took it for granted. And unfortunately, it just didn't last long, and something happened to WH that caused him to lose sight of the dream. Even before the A, he must have been heading down a road in which he was dissatisfied with this life; with the wife, the kids, the house, the dog.

Whatever it was, he wasn't willing to FIGHT for that dream when it was threatened. One year ago today.

I'll make it. I'll pick myself up and keep moving. I really, really wish I knew where I was headed, but for now it's one day at a time.

I've made it a year. I've made it through some ugly, ugly places. I'll make it.

you will make it lil sis. the first year i think is the hardest. so many emotional ups and downs. this july 12 it will be 2 years for me. i hardly ever even think about him anymore. hardly ever run into him in town (and it is a small town). i have come so very far. you will to and you have in so many ways.

i looked at the mb photo thread yesterday. your son is adorable and you are a very attractive woman lil sis. some man will definitely appreciate you one day. if not your wh than someone else who deserves you.

i know i am a good person. i am not perfect but i take care of my family, love my family, don't drink or smoke or party. i have my priorities in order. i love people and life. i am a good catch and i deserve a good man who appreciates all the good i have going on. so do you.

mlhb

{{{LilSis}}}

Wow I can SO relate to so much of that post. It wasn't an A that crushed our dream - it was depression on XH's part, and both of our inability to deal with it. He didn't acknowledge it and/or get help til after the fact, and I didn't deal with it very well either, mainly because I didn't know or understand.

But pretty much all the rest speaks directly of my situation too - we had it all, we lost it all - we could have it back, and I'm fighting for it - but XH just doesn't seem to want any of those things anymore, things that we worked 20 years to achieve.

Makes no sense, does it?

But you're healing - I'm healing, and life goes on. Family keeps us going - I hear that too - my children have been my sole motivation at times, and I'm thankful to God to have them.

You're right, LilSis - you'll make it. So will I.

For me it's comforting to be able to come here and know that I'm not alone.

You aren't alone either.

In loving support,

JinGA

(((((LilSis))))

You are such a strong person to have made it this far. In my early days you were such an inspiration and continue to be so now.

Yes, this road has been ugly, dark, and cold. The winter of life. The valley of the shadow of death. Your spring will come. New life will come forth.

Take comfort, take heart, in knowing you have made it this far and will continue to do so.

Lilsis... My post here will not be popular with the strict MB crowd. I am going to suggest that enough time has passed and that you should be doing some things that will speed up the rest of your life... with or without WH... arriving.
I believe you have an August 2nd date for your next hearing. If the issue of divorce can be pushed back any further from that dater, I would make sure it wasn't. I would do whatever you can at this point to see to it that the M is scheduled to end next month. Make sure that the attorney for your WH is notified of this by your lawyer. If it will get you a better deal to offer a quicker settlement, I say go for it. The only thing that I feel your WH could respond to (and I don't think he will come around based on his actions) is the sense of finality. Most likely, he isn't coming back...be it because of pride, stubborness, fog or his feelings for the HO. But I say go down swinging... don't sit there and let this happen TO you... you start calling the shots in everything. If he has backed you into a divorce corner...then YOU do divorce better than he can imagine... be ruthless in yur negotiations and make sure you and the kids are taken care of.
I am sorry that this day marks a year in this crapp soup for you. You never deserved any of this. Unless there is something regarding his response to plan B that I have missed, I don't see it working in this case. It very well may be time to change course rather than sit back and let this all just unfold. You are much too good of a woman to have this all happen to you. Again, I am sorry for your pain.

MEDC

((((Sis))))

YOu are going to be just fine, probably even better, stronger, happier, and more grateful for the things that you HAVE.

You have done some great MB planning, despite what you have told yourself. You are learning so much more than many who are rutted without a clue.

I agree with mlhb, you are one FINE woman, and when you mix good looks, with smarts and a divine sense of humor, you are deadly!

This time of year is no good for many, it seems, including myself, but I'm going to make the best of it! I know you will too.

Thanks, all. I must be doing okay if MEDC's post doesn't leave me with a cold knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. More a feeling of resignation and regret and sadness.

I don't know about speeding things along...I'll leave that to my attorney in terms of strategy. If he thinks I can get a better deal by pushing it, then that is what I will have to do. Ensuring my future and financial stability is more important right now, because that is the reality that I am facing.

After a year with no waffling on WH's part, in spite of my best efforts...I need to see the writing on the wall, turn my back on it and walk away.

The writing on the wall says that I did everything I could, that I fought the good fight, that I am a good person with a lot to offer, and that WH is a sad and tragic figure who has thrown away the best things that ever happened to him.

The writing on the wall says that for whatever reason, WH has chosen to throw it all away, and there's nothing that I can do to change that, and waiting and hoping for him to fully comprehend what he has done is akin to me throwing away MY life, letting MY life slip away--the one I have now.

I'm not sad and tragic, WH is. What he has done to us and our children is. What he has done to RT's family is. What he's done to his parents and friends is. But he doesn't see it that way, likely won't ever see it that way, and I can't make him.

I fought, I fought hard, I gave it everything I had, I laid it all out there, I wanted more than anything to keep my promises, I prayed and prayed and prayed. As much as I wish and hope, it's out of my hands.

Now I can only wish and hope for a new dream, a new kind of happiness, a new contentment.

The aggravating part is that I will feel this now, and then I will slip back....like this morning, driving in to work, I saw three cop cars just as I got downtown, and passed a cop walking (all unusual)....I felt like God was up there saying, "Don't get too cocky, LS."

My co-worker told me that it was probably the devil doing that...or at the very least pushing those buttons that elicit the painful feelings when I am confronted with those little triggers.

Anyway...what is significant to me is that I am widening my lens...seeing this situation with more objectivity. I am okay, I can look myself in the mirror. WH is the one who did this, not me. I did not cause this.

But I have to live with it...unfair as it is.

I just wish I could retain this perspective for more than a day or two. Could it just STICK for once?

Harley's the person with the most experience on this topic ...

and Harley says:

the majority of affairs die a natural death within 2 years after exposure

for numerous reasons

timelines are important to remember
for all of us

Lilsis,

I am so proud of you and your transformation on this board.

You have the right to be sad today. It's okay.

Now, as MEDC has said above as only he can say it, it is time to protect you and your child/ren. WH has chosen this path of destruction for all of you including himself. BUT, you don't have to alone willingly. Tell your attorney to do whatever is necessary to insure your financial security and that of the child/ren. Whatever consequences befall WH, well he brought them on himself.

Hang in there and God bless,

just a reminder... MEDC has not experienced reconciliation and M recovery


only push the D faster if that is your desire .... NO ONE would fault you if you choose D

my sense of you, at this time, is that you still have remaining love in your heart for H .... if he reverts back to H

and the BS who has some love bank reserve usually regrets PUSHING the D ... it's OK to wait and watch this unfold .... IF that is your desire

just be honest with yourself

also, some day in the near future, you may have a discussion with one of your kids about what YOU did to try and SAVE the M

as opposed to what your H did to rush the D

think about what you might want to say about your efforts, when that discussion happends

Before reading Pep's post, I was gonna chime in to say that the Harleys recommend 2 years in PLAN B and being a KOOLAID DRINKER, I support that approach.

My H's affair lasted for 2 years.

I think I started the PLANS towards THE END of the AFFAIR.

Think about the DEVASTATING EFFECT of D on your children.

In an effective PLAN B, you should not be seeing any signs from your H...because you are not in contact with him.

I'm not going to speak to you anymore, Sis about FAITH and TRUSTING IN THE LORD...

I will continue to PRAY FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY....

I pray that you will not GIVE UP ON YOUR MARRIAGE...

I pray that you will not GIVE HIM OVER TO RT ON A SILVER PLATTER....

At one year and 1 months past DDay anniversary...I filed for divorce. I knew it was over, nothing more I could do, my husband was not ever coming back.

At one year and 5 months past Dday, my husband said: I will do whatever it takes to make things right.

At one year and 6 months past Dday, my husband moved home and we started a real recovery.

Do not lose faith, do not give up.

Pep: You are right, I know that I do still have love for H, I really do. I would fight for him to my last breath. But I can't see him at all anymore, and haven't for such a long, long time, that I have to stop watching and hoping for him to turn up. There's no point in fighting for a ghost.

I don't think I have it in me to push the D, but if it becomes clear that a protracted divorce would put me at a disadvantage for a better settlement or custody arrangement, well...I'll just have to cross that bridge when and if I come to it.

I'm not going to worry about it until it becomes an issue, if it even does. It certainly isn't an issue for TODAY.

So far my instructions to my A stand: Delay, delay, delay.

This is not about a change in my "strategy" or behavior; rather it is about my change in perspective, having made it to this milestone--still alive and still functioning and still able to smile and find joy in moments.

Which--looking back--is an accomplishment, even though it doesn't sound like much.

time lines can be a guideline but they are not always accurate. my h has been with ow since oct of 2004 and i don't see any end in site. she left her h for him, and i kicked him out over her.

i am passed the 2 year time line here and my h and ow are still going quite strong.

it is the reality sometimes.

mlhb

Funny you say "silver platter," mimi. I was thinking this morning about how our American Dream was handed to us on a silver platter, and how we did not realize how blessed we were.

I laughed to myself that the silver platter must have gotten too heavy for WH to keep carrying, so he just left it by the side of the road. Pretty foolish.

Anyway...I made it! I've made it through every holiday, every anniversary, every birthday, every vacation at least once. I don't have to fear those anymore. Those are behind me now, all the "firsts."

I just feel now like I don't have to FIGHT anymore. (and my fight has always been with God, you know) I've spent a year fighting, and that's enough. Now God can take up the reins, and I can work on finding my own way, for me and the boys.

That's been my battle all along...I'm a fighter, I'm not a quitter, I don't give up. This time, TODAY, I don't feel like I'm quitting, I feel more like it was a relay and I'm turning the baton over to God. It's my turn to rest and catch my breath and hope the good guys win.

Confident that I did my personal best, that I gave all I could to win the race, but my part is over now. I just needed to get here, to turn that baton over.

Make sense?

Yes m'am. You have done and are doing your personal best. Turn that baton over and sit back in the cool shade for awhile. Watch God run with it.

(((Sis)))

Thanks for this thread - it's giving me a lot to reflect on too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pepperband is right:


I regret the D - but it was what I had to do at the time to *protect* my kids' and my financial security, and our home. In my sig line it says, "not what I wanted, but what I needed" and that's true. I wish it hadn't come to that or I might not be in the shoes I'm in now - but that was the reality of the day, and while I hate it, it was the right decision at the right time. Only you can decide if delaying or pushing is right in your situation. I waited a year after separating households (there is no legal separation in my state) to file, and once I filed it took about 4 months to go to court. We reached our agreement amicably so it just needed the judge's rubber stamp at that point.

Even my attorney was surprised at my XH's demeanour in the courtroom - attorney thought XH looked like he didn't want the D - but his GF was waiting at his apartment - she was in town visting him here for the first time.

My M did not end over an A as I've stated - but the "wayward" mindset can apply IMO even if there isn't a third party involved at the time of a breakup.

Bramblerose, your post gives me some hope too - but much more time has passed since it all fell apart for me - but your statement that you knew he wasn't coming back, then he did come around, gives me hope in my situation.

Mimi, thanks for the reminder to place our faith in God - no matter what the outcome, He has a plan for each of us.

LilSis - hang in there. Do what you feel is best, you sound like you're doing great, in spite of the ups and downs. You *will* prevail.

JinGA

Lilsis --
I'd like to point out that you still have the dream.

You still have your family (albeit smaller and without the toxic WH).
You still have your home.
You could have the dog if you wanted.
You are very very blessed.

I had the same feelings as you. I stuggled over the loss of that perfect vision. I had put us on a pedestal.
Thought we were better than those that struggled with divorce and marriage problems and addictions etc. God sent me a big message --

I got knocked off my pedestal BIG TIME.

And you know what? I like myself A LOT better now. I learned. I have more appreciation for the important things in life. And I am so much better to the PEOPLE in my life.
It was humbling, painful, excruciating -- but IMPORTANT.
I'm glad to be where I am now. You will be too.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <~~~~~~~ (MF, waving to Lil'Sis!)

Just wanted to pop in and say hi!

Glad to read this thread and know that you are able to see some positives in your sitch ~ becoming a stronger, better person can never be a bad thing, ya know?

I am glad that you made it to this "anniversary" and are doing ok...glad that you have made it through *all* of these first anniversaries, and you are ok. It is not what you would have chosen (not what any of us would have chosen!), but God does have a plan for us, even when we can't immediately see what it might be.

(((Lil'Sis)))

Sis,

Do you remember when we had that long discussion on your thread about letting go. I told you I had finally gotten to that point in March of this year, after my false recovery? Sounds like you just did.

As for pushing the D, it will push itself, and I'm sure that you will ask for all that you can to protect your family and ensure for a stable financial future. I don't think you have to be the aggressor to get what you want, I think you have to be stoic and stand firm in what you want, that's all (and have a [email]d@mn[/email] good lawyer to push your point).