hopeandpray,

You hit it! I was able to really hunker down in Plan B. It took me more than one confrontation and two false recoveries (one prior to finding MB) before I really got it . Once I did, it was like WH KNEW I did. He had nothing else to hang over me, no more hanging, clinging. I was finished with the whole thing--my LB still had some funds, so I went dark and enjoyed counting them.

psssssttt....LilSis....you still out there? Check in when you can. The Killer Bees are swarming...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Please know everyone out here cares for you and is giving you the best advice they can based on their own experiences. Take what works for you.

Fox

ps. SL - nice sig line <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LS:

What did you do.....

This much silence......

No matter what....

You will be successful after all this....

OK?

(((LS)))

LG

IMO and it is MY OPINION, I think we do Sis a huge disservice by enabling her SENSE OF SPECIALNESS..she is SPECIAL..her H is SPECIAL..her situation is SPECIAL..entailing a need to do THE PLANS differently..for her to move at her OWN PACE...

I see her as being NO DIFFERENT than ME..her issues are like mine..her H is like mine..like any other WS..with RT as the OW...

Again I say that I got the MOST out of MBers because I WAS NOT CODDLED by FOLKS HERE..I WAS PUSHED AND SHOVED and 2x4ed and I cried and fussed about it..but I am THANKFUL for it..cause I messed up BIG TIME when I did things MY WAY..rather than the ways suggested by MY FRIENDS HERE...

I have HIGHER EXPECTATIONS of SIS than most others..

I admit it...

I think we all get that Mimi. You've made your opinion abundantly clear about this more than once. What's done is done and beating a dead horse never helps.

"I for one can say that when my 11 year old was finally included in the discussions...on an age appropriate level, he began to find a greater peace. He had and has a clearer picture of his mother and I believe...as does my therapist who I think is as good as the Harley's, that he is better off. Having illusions of what a parent is or isn't doesn't help anyone. Parents also harm children with their actions and should be called to task by the sane parent... even if on a rare occasion, it is in front of a child and in a respectful fashion. A parent is not due respect merely because they attained the title of mom/dad. Her H should have the ability to stand in front of his children and say why he is behaving a certain way. I do not believe that children should be sheilded from the truth.... in the long run, I think that is much more harmful to a child.

Just my 2 cents as a dad that has been down this road.

MEDC"


Goodness, I can't believe I'm going to say this but I agree with MEDC! Kids shouldn't ALWAYS be shielded from these interactions. Sure, you wouldn't want them around for every single discussion, but what she did could hardly be compared to child abuse.

(((LilSIS)))

Sis,
Just want to chime in and encourage you. You are only human and I hope that you will come back and accept the support that is here for you. We've all had to walk this road and find our way when dealing with infidelity. I think you have been very brave to tell your story here. It is not easy to do that. At the end of the day, you have to be comfortable with the decisions that you make pertaining to your sitch. The MB plans are a great tool to help save marriages, but don't beat yourself up because you detoured from the plans. You can always get back up on the horse if you choose to. No matter what happens, you have nothing to be ashamed of. No one is perfect sis, you are doing the best that you can.

I see her as being NO DIFFERENT than ME..her issues are like mine..her H is like mine..like any other WS..with RT as the OW...

In all reality, just because it worked for you that way, doesn't guarantee that it will work for her.

THAT is where the disservice is done. You are taking your situation and trying to make it a one size fits all for eveyone looking for help. It doesn't work like that.

Each situation has different variables, because it's different people.

While the dialog might be the same...as in those little catch phrases (couldn't resist) it in NO way means that since it worked for you that it will work for her.

It worked for you....period. You might just be one of the ones that it worked for.

committed

It seems to me that Dr. Harley's own words here tell people to learn and understand his concepts and then adapt them to fit their own problem. "Create your own solutions that will work just as well as mine."

Princess told me not to beat a dead horse...BUT..

As I keep saying, IMO, Sis does not need help with THE PLANS...

It's her own PERSONAL ISSUES that BR was helping her with..LETTING GO..GIVING UP THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL...

I don't care if she listens to me or not...really...

I wish her well...

My point Mimi was that Dr. harley comes right out and says that creating your own solutions after learning his concepts is not wrong.
The quote above are his exact words.

Isn't he saying to follow the BASICS and then veer off..

If you read up about PLAN B, it doesn't seem LOGICAL..TO ME..to go in and out of it..and if you go out of it..it is LOGICAL.. to go right back in...

I veered out ONCE..like SIS..not ON PURPOSE though.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, Meggy..I know the horse is already dead... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Perhaps... but my read of his exact words above are that a person should learn the basic concepts... which are not Plan A & B related... he in fact directs the reader to the 10 basic concepts...
I see your logic and understand where you are coming from... but it is clear by the Drs. own words here that a person after learning the concepts is capable of making some decisions and adaptations for their own situation. I think the problem lies when people are in a crisis situation... which I no longer see Lilsis in... they are least able to make rational decisions so strictly following a plan at that time is most likely in their best interests.
Just my read on his words.

I probably can quote passages of Surviving an Affair from memory. I highlighted almost every page and read it daily.

Thanks everyone. I very, very much appreciate the support.

I had a lot to think about, and a lot of emotions to sort though, and life to live.

The boys and I were kept busy on the 4th (I apologized and talked to them BTW). I spent most of today with hives from neck to toes, incredibly itchy big red welts. Yuck. When they made it to my face, I finally ended up going to the urgent care clinic and got a shot of prednisone. I don't mind shots, but this one has a painful afterlife. Add two benadryl and I'm lucky to be conscious, so bear with me.

So, for the record, I felt anything BUT "loving confronted." Specific words that were used included manipulative, rationalizing, self-justifying, in a fog, using my kids.

Confrontational, yes. Loving, no way.

This was not constructive criticism. I experienced something more along the lines of a personal attack (or a DJ, even?). Disagree with me, fine, I welcome opinions. If you dislike me, or have a real issue with my character, don't post just to cut me down. Say something once--with feeling--and get on with it. If you are only interested in continually re-hashing your POV about something that has already happened, don't bother. I read you the first time.

If the intent was to help me grow, it didn't. It made me feel THIS high. I knew I screwed up the Plan B, and I behaved inappropriately in front of the kids. I also learned something about myself...that I could stand up to WH and speak my truth without falling into a puddle. I also learned that I have a dark side. A win/lose.

It's what I DO with that knowledge that is important now.

If there is one thing that I have learned from this WHOLE experience, it is that I am not perfect. As a human being, I will make mistakes. That's okay. It's what you SO with it that defines your character.

I seem to recall being slammed for trying to be perfect. Remember?

So...now what?

My priority MUST be to recover myself. No matter what happens...I need to be RECOVERED, confident, self-assured. Marital recovery takes WH, and he is not interested. Personal recovery is what I can do myself and need to continue to work through.

And let's please not let this devolve into a big disagreement about the point of Plan B. My life is not a "plan" that exists in a vacuum. My life is a LIFE, the life of a human being.

Again, I have to thank Fox for describing fairly accurately how I feel. One step at a time. Getting to a plateau, pulling myself together, looking around and scanning the environment that is now my life. I will make misteps, but I will also learn from those mistakes.

And then there's that dark side. I wanted to skewer WH to the wall and vindicate myself. Pretty ugly, huh? But at least I recognize that. I know about my dark, ugly side. I can't temper something or acknowledge something that I don't know about.

So call it whatever...Plan B, Plan LilSis. It's my LIFE, not a science experiment to be studied and picked apart to test out the validity of Plan A/B. I've got to live my life, and I will beat myself up way, way, WAY more than anyone here could.

And I DO NOT think I am special!!! I am the same as everyone else around here...less patient, maybe, than most. I enjoy coming here because I am the SAME as everyone here, unlike in IRL, where many don't understand. I think perhaps I open up more and reveal more than many, but that's my choice; it's a huge release for me and I'm glad that it has been helpful to some people. On the other hand, it probably also gives people more ammunition.

If I were so "special," my WH never would have left, would he?

NO, I am NOT special. But I am different because WE ALL ARE. Every BS, every WS. The Plans are a strategy for saving a marriage that works for some and not for others, because everyone is different, every circumstance, every relationship is different.

It seems to me that painting everyone with the same brush is a DJ.

I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank everyone for caring.

Take some time, think things over, take it easy.

You don't need to DO anything. There's no rush or deadline.

Hang in there Lilsis.

woooohooooo!!!!

i LOVE you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope you are feeling better and all!

Back at ya, Rin!

TTYL....getting woozy.

{{{LISIS}}}} much caring to you and the boys.
YOU ARE A GOOD WOMAN...repeat as necessary.

sleep well tonight.