It's my daddy's fault. I know I'm special. I grew up with him telling me all the time just how special I am and that I was his little princess. So. I'm special. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All kidding aside, I know what you mean Sis. The truth is that we're all special and were created uniquely by God. None of us are the same. So we're all special AND different.

And worth exploring. So here's some thoughts...

One reason...I just got to the point where I wasn't blaming myself anymore. I realized--finally internalized--that I am indeed loveable, worthy, that I did not deserve this, etc. So there's this feeling of Power, of "Hey, WTF, a-hole??? What gave you the right, Mister, to screw up my life, cast me aside, to hurt me so deeply?"

I USED my new-found power...but not for "the good." The dark side used it to be vindictive and vengeful, to skewer him to the wall. Emasculate him, as IC said.

And it felt darn good to finally wield some power. I have felt like his victim for so long. I have felt like he has called all the shots. It was finally MY TURN.

Do you see? I'm trying to examine this...to get to the WHY.

I wanted to lash out. To hurt him the way he hurt me. To express my anger and frustration. I did it because I FINALLY could, dammit. I had the ability.

And I could do it in a way (as SHOL talked about) that made ME out to be the good guy. Not pretty, is it? But probably one good reason WHY. And so I'll learn from it...hopefully...SHOL's point was so well-made....

That all said...thinking aloud...there's an underlying reality there. What he is doing is NOT RIGHT by any measure, and he finally admitted ALOUD it to me. He has never, ever once done anything remotely like that. It has always been MY fault for being a lousy wife, we are deeply incompatible (or, as I realized in IC, that's all I have ever HEARD from him, that it was always some failing with ME).

So, I'm asking here...NOT NOT NOT in terms of MB or Plan B or even marital recovery...is there legitimate value in having him actually ADMIT that aloud, to me? Could it possibly become the beginning of FINALLY taking responsibility for his actions?

Thinking aloud again...no...all he will remember is how vicious I was and he'll forget that he ever admitted anything...

In the end--following MB or some other strategy or MC, you pick--in the end it is his choice (like LG always says). Does he have what it takes or not? Will he step up or not? Will he take responsibility or not? What matters is what's on the inside. All the Plan Aing or Plan Bing in the world won't change that. It comes down to what he's made of.

Another movie analogy...the third Indiana Jones movie, picking the holy grail...the bad guy chooses the brightly bejeweled chalise, and as he's breathing his last breath, the ghostly knight says, "You choose poorly." When Indy chooses the unadorned, simple cup and survives, the knight says, "You chose wisely."

Will it be style, or will it be substance? WH's choice. I hope he chooses wisely.

By George, I think she got it!

Love the analogy.

(insert standing ovation from SHOL)

From the same movie - are you ready yet to step off the ledge and trust that God will provide a path to the other side, even though you can't see it?

That's the hardest thing I ever had to learn to do. It's okay if your not there yet. I feel your confidence building more every day.

Sis, thanks for replying to my posting...

And, this is only my way of thinking, can only speak for myself --

But -- in your response to mine, you were focusing on HIM - not you... I do believe at this point in your life, it should be about you growing. Not focusing on him and what he does and does not do... part of Plan B.

And.. perhaps I may be going deeper than necessary, but when I was referring to the why -- I am talking way deeper than the answer that you wanted to tell him this or show him that...

((( LilSis )))

Geez.....this is rubbing me the wrong way.

I don't care what LilSis has ever done in her marriage, she is not to blame for her husband "feeling vulnerable to an affair".

Sure, he may have felt "vulnerable", but he could have felt that way and either left the marriage or tried to get help with marriage counseling, instead of having an affair.

Just because he felt "vulnerable" doesn't mean he had to have an affair. That's like saying, "hey, if you do something to upset your husband, he's going to feel vulnerable to an affair". If I had to live like that, thinking every time I did something that upset my husband that it would make him “feel vulnerable to an affair”, no thanks....wouldn't want to do it. Nooooo.....not now. Not since D-day and learning what I've learned here. No excuses, ever again.

If her husband felt "vulnerable to an affair", it wasn't because of what LilSis has ever done. It's because that's how he chose to deal with his pain. He could have been "vulnerable to the point of needing a marriage counselor" or "vulnerable to the point of leaving LilSis". Adding the "affair" part in there is all about the WS. Their lack of morals, lack of intergrity, etc. and how they cope with life.


Am I missing something here? I realize she broke plan B (I personally don’t think I could do one ), but did she actually LB? Since when is asking someone an honest question like "WH, do you think what you're doing is wrong?" is an LB?

Just because it "upset him" doesn't make it an LB, does it? Since when is an honest direct question an LB?

Yeah...notice I said "one reason," with the understanding that there are others that I have not gotten down to, yet.

What I was trying to say didn't come out well because of the tense I used or something...so let me try again.

What I was TRYING to say actually WAS about ME and my growth...that WHY I did it was because I WANTED to USE my new-found power against WH, to hurt him: I am angry, I am hurt, hummm...let's see what damage I can do by testing out my new super powers.

See? or am I still not getting it...

For me, it's a couple of NEW things that I didn't get before, so maybe you are just way ahead of me and you need to give me time. One...I have absolved myself of responsibility for the A. Two...I am worthy and loveable. Three...having this knowledge gives me power to stand up instead of cowering in a corner. Four...so I have power; now that I am standing, what do I do? Where do I go?

My first impulse was to lash out at the person who beat me down and pushed me in that corner and walked away.

I have to figure out how to use my power in positive ways instead of using it as a weapon. Or at the very least be cognizant of the fact that I do in fact possess the potential to assertively use my power (as opposed to the passive way that SHOL described which is probably more my "style").

Don't know if that was just re-stating what I said before, or if that's helpful...

Well Mopey, if you were the WH in this case how would you have felt?

I would feel...
attacked unfairly.
uncomfortable.
ambushed.
unprepared.
squirmy.
justified.
upset.
most of all? Angry.

And I would be telling the story of the "tirade" to everyone I wanted support from. I would tell people that BW is going off the deep end. She brought the kids over to have a big confrontation. (The fact that the kids were involved will inspire sympathy from most everyone) I will tell everyone how upset the kids were....and I just needed to get this over with and put it all behind me.

And most likely this will help to sway MIL and FIL to WH's side. Because they won't like seeing their grandsons put in the middle of all of this, and they will blame BW for doing it.

So, thats most likely the end result of it. Thats a lot of damage for not much in return.
Even if Lilsis has a version of being dignified and strong -- WH's version will be very very different.
You all know how distorted a WS's perceptions are....

I see where you are coming from Lexxxy... but if I brought that to my friends or family... their response would be...
"what do you expect... look what you have done to her!"

I couldn't imagine trying to illicit sympathy for my plight based on my wifes reponse to the pain I caused her.

Just my 2 cents

Sis;

You haven't done anything that 97% of the world wouldn't have done.

Its just that you have the wisdom of MB in your corner.

So the expectations are higher -- that you WON'T impulsively do things that damage your hard work.

That would be my only advice. Curb your impulses.
I know mine most often lead me to trouble....

...probably because you are not wayward...

Yeah but it's also possible that the people he would tell would be outwardly agreeing with him while inwardly thinking "well duh" when they ask him what terrible thing Lil Sis said to him?

I do GET that it could backfire but I also GET that this was something that Lil Sis needed to hear. Her kiddos needed to hear it too-- their dad admitting he is wrong. They know he loves them. He's with them a lot. What they didn't know was that he would admit he was wrong. So what if it was in response to a gentle "confrontation" by Lil Sis? I imagine that Sis' WH did feel all of those things, but so what. It's about Lil Sis and her recovery at this point, right?

Oh, and BTW, there's one more thing he probably felt too... Shame.

MEDC;
While I was in my affair, I started gathering my supporters early. Because I was building a case against my marriage and my husband. And every story I told got the expect response: "you've done everything you can...he doesn't deserve you....whats the matter with him"

Its all part of how waywards justify the unjustifiable.

What I'm suggesting is that there are probably a lot of people in WH's world that DON'T know the whole story.
And those are the ones he will become closer to.
He will stay away from those who know the bad stuff.
(exposure works!)

That is why you see WS's develop a whole new circle of friends.

trust me....the honest truth will not be told by WH about what was said or how it was delivered.

This will be spun into a story of how Lilsis is bitter and angry and putting the boys in the middle of it.

Ohhh, okay then. Yeah, you're right about that. My FWH had a whole new set of friends during his thing and now he never sees or hears from any of them (Thank God!).

Another WHY: I am impulsive. Grrrrr.....I HATE that.

But the good news is that I refrained from acting on my impulses for four whole months. I guess they overflowed, making a big old mess to clean up.

Another WHY: I like to be right.

The good news is, I frequently am. Such as when I think that the bathroom floor needs scrubbing from all the mess that overflowed. (sorry, gross)

Another WHY: I like people to agree with me, validating my rightness.

The good news is, most everyone likes to be agreed with, too, so usually I can find someone with whom to agree. "Isn't this bathroom spotless?" "Why, yes, Sis, it smells fresh as a daisy."

Everyone:
Let's not re-hash the "was it right or wrong" thing anymore, OK? If I've settled that in my own mind, and if folks want to keep debating it, start a new thread. What's done is done. I'm not proud of myself, but unfortunately, I do not have a time machine and I can only go forward.

The question for ME now is, what do I do with the knowledge and the insights I have gained.

Okey dokey. Point taken Sis. I'll shut up now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I promise Sis, that is not the intent of my posts.

Only fodder for you to consider in terms of fallout and what you might want to do for damage control.

My WH's friends just all kind of threw their hands up and said, oh well, such is life. The experienced friends were never told, friends that were older and lived through a long marriage, or had been married and divorced and dealing with child support/custody, why they D'd, nothin.

My dad did talk to WH, and told him that M is not about always getting what you WANT, and it could be hard. I think my FIL talked to WH, but he was so fogged out, and my FIL is sooooo non-confrontational, that it was no help.

In my sitch, no one on WH's side of the friendship fence cared one bit about his M, not outwardly, not at all, not one way or the other, many so very inexperienced in marriage themselves, either newly married or not married at all.

PM and Lex: No worries. It's just that I feel uncomfortable enough about it, and re-hashing it just brings up more and more reasons to be uncomfortable...ya know?

I just want to put it behind me, because it ain't pretty. Not my proudest moment.

But what's done is done. And WH will either come to his senses or he won't. Not much I can do about either. I can do something about the person I see in the mirror.

Who is right now covered in ugly itchy red welts from knees to waist...and all down my arms and onto my hands....ARRRGHHHH!!

Stress induced, perhaps?

So much for being comfortable in my own skin....