LilSis ~ Sorry I didn’t respond earlier – I had a lot of things to do at work.
I picked up that thesaurus like you suggested. The alternative words in there were far uglier and far more judgmental. So no, I don’t think I’ll be using that as an alternative to speaking directly about your self-sabatoage.
What you did was predictable.
I said to you….weeks ago:
The problem is that in Plan A, we all have a tendency to become crisis junkies. Our days and nights and conversations revolve around "updates" about what the WS did, said, looked like, parked, what the WS might be thinking...etc. Plan A involves lots of planning, how to ambush the WS with love, how to expose, how to talk to a foggy spouse...etc.
Plan B closes that all down. And this is where the danger lies. The BS has to have something, ALOT of somethings to fill that void. Some WS's are offended by plan B and do everything imaginable to force the BS to reengage in the triangle. Some WSs are thrilled that reality (so they think) is no longer intruding and do not contact the BS.
The problem is that a BS without enough to do will find excuses to check in with the WH.
rationalize, justify = find excuses
And that is exactly what happened to you.
I get that you “feel” that I was disrespectfully judging you.
Feelings are not Truths.Could you take your fear filter off for a few minutes to read the rest of this post?
You fear you are not good enough.
You fear that a mistake means disaster.
You fear that others will see past your perfect exterior and see the “true ugly LilSis”.
Criticism means that your worst fears have come true.
Lord knows, I am the same way.
So…while your fear filter is off…I want you to reread what I said to you (quote below), because it was not sarcastic, not an insult nor an attempt to hurt you.
I think what you did could provide quite a bit of insight as to why your husband was left feeling vulnerable for an affair.
I did not say: LilSis you are
So Powerful and
So Evil that YOU made your husband betray you – and you deserved it.
You have been on these boards for months. I assume you have read and have a basic understanding of the concepts behind emotional needs and love busting?
Affairs happen because a spouse choose to succumb to temptation. The CHOICE to do so is entirely the adulter’s fault and responsibility.
However, the environment which led to the WS’s temptation is the responsibility of both spouses. Very few are the BSes who did not contribute to the state of the affair in which the WS became vulnerable.
This is the reason for the self-inventory we talked about.
Either in this marriage or the next…..you must learn what it is about YOU that contributed to the downfall of your marriage.
If you can not or will not do this (and I suspect that neither is the case) then you are doomed to repeat this in your future. How do you think people end up with a string of marriages behind them? Because no matter how many times they switch partners…they bring themselves.
When I read your description of your actions, all I could think was: Aha, a clue! Did she do this in smaller ways, in unknowing ways, that made him feel small and very powerless? In her fear that she was not enough, did she make him small so she could feel big?
Do you think that might have left a hole in his soul that RT was able to leverage to her advantage?
The rest of your post….I did not deserve.
It takes time, energy and thought to post to you. It’s been given freely without expectation of reward or return.
Remember that army of protectors that you said you needed because you feared you could not protect yourself?
Well that army of protectors is doing more harm than good on your thread, to you and to this board. You gotten a lot of terrible advice under the disguise of “support”.
Your power can be found in honest, personal responsibility for your own protection.
And btw, … this: “Aha, a clue! Did she do this in smaller ways, in unknowing ways, that made him feel small and very powerless? In her fear that she was not enough, did she make him small so she could feel big?”
I did this. I did this so many times to my husband in so many ways because I had so little self esteem and so much fear….
When he met his OW, he felt big and strong and admired and respected, not small and weak and bad.
Should you carry forward the tendencies you’ve self-reported in your future life – with this husband or a new one, you will find yourself back in this place again.
I do not wish this for you, or for anyone.
