________________

i agree there are situations like that........but, it is important for the BS to examine thier own baggage and be honest w/ themselves.
not BLAME...they are NOT to blame and are in way never responsible for th every poor choice of the WS, but it can only help for thme to examine themseleves.. etc.

The movie was great. Highly recommended.

I'm going to try to say something quickly before I go take as many Benadryl as I possibly can without killing myself. The Claritin did nothing.

Feelings may not be truths, but they are feelings none the less. I tried to be clear that the feelings I had were how I EXPERIENCED those comments, how I REACTED to those comments.

I get that you are all pushing me and trying to help me grow. I'm just tired. I can see bits of what you are saying...but it's just too much all at once. Is this all supposed to happen overnight? Continually pushing me and challenging me beyond my ability to process or respond or internalize....it is not helpful.

I'm just one person, here, in my house, doing this alone. I've got a job and kids and and friends and a garden. For me this is real time...now..it's not something that has already happened and I have lived through. I don't have the benefit of hindsight, and no amount of insisting can convey that hindsight--or insight--from your brains to mine. I have to do this at my pace...not anyone elses.

I have a dozen people here posting, telling me what to do and how to think and what to feel and questioning me and my actions and my motives, second guessing my every move. It is a lot to take in. It is overwhelming. It is frustrating. It is confusing. It does not promote growth, it inhibits it, because it allows no time for me to be still and absorb and process and sort through everything.

I think what you are expecting from me takes a lot more time to happen.

I'll take the medicine, but not all at once. Titrate the dose. Try to force it down my throat and I'll push you away. This stuff takes time. Why insist on pressing a point? I don't get it. Why push it? Why force it? It's growth. It's a process. It works in its own time and all the pushing in the world won't make it come faster. It's just frustrating to everyone, and distracts me from what I need to work on TODAY. Where I am TODAY.

So can you all just back off a bit? There are plenty of other people here who could use some loving confrontation. Give me some room to breathe.

I have chronic urticaria, outbreaks of hives which occur for reasons which have not ever been determined. I've had this since a teen.

I take a Zyrtec once a day, every day. FIY this has worked well for me..for years.

Last time I used Benadryl for this, I got in a car wreck.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sis, Whatever happened to requiring that all communication go through your intermediary?

Your undoing three days ago was precipitated by his end-running around you to your sister, enticing you with offers about the cabin, etc. etc. and I never did see where your intermediary basically told him to knock it off - that communication was to come to her, and no one else?

Can we help you get your protective shields back up now so that you can go forward with peace and serenity and confidence?

PS - I went through a period in my life where I was downright allergic to my life's circumstances. I was doped up on benadryl, drixorol, albuterol and prednisone. I slept 18 hrs a day, getting up only long enough to take care of my chores and crawl back into bed. The depression was horrible.

Finally my doctor told me I had to move away from home - happy happy joy joy - as my parents had been livid with me for months for already paying my first and last quarter's rent and deposit for the coming school year without their permission or knowledge. Home was not a happy place.

Allergies are physiological, but there is a psycho-spiritual component to them. I hope you find the culprit soon - benadryl is not a fun drug to take more than night time.

I heard there was a ruckus here and came to find out how you were doing, but I can abide by your request. Hope this hiatus helps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I got hit, WHAM, full blast with seasonal allergies after PWC started his first A. I couldn't believe how sick I felt all of the time. I was on Benadryl every night. I started taking Zyrtec, but it didn't even make a dent. I may be trying Allegra this year, see if it helps.

The mind-body connection can be a humdinger sometimes. My PMS became very severe the past two years, also. I know this sounds silly, but it's gotten better since PWC has REALLY returned, maybe just due to the extra pair of hands and the feeling of support. I think being left to hold the WHOLE bag, the kids, the house, the losses, can have a major impact just due to the increased stresses you must become accustomed to.

Sis, the advise you are getting here, to look at your motives, your actions, will only help you in the future R's with your kids and your H or a new R. Take your time. It seems that people care very much about your, here. Take it easy...

LilSis,

Your last post, IMO, was neither agressive nor passive, but appropriately assertive.

You have already grown. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

SHOL

Morning all.

Looks like my hivey little friend is going to stick around for another day. It's creeping up my leg as we speak. I hate to keep whining about this but I do think that it is affecting my mood and my ability to cope emotionally...??? If that makes sense.

Geee...something I can't CONTROL...this time it's my own body. It is defeating.

Is Zyrtec OTC? Because you are right...Benadryl knocks out the hives, but me right along with it.

I'll post this while I type another, longer post. Maybe someone can answer that question quickly...Be right back...

No. Zyrtec is not OTC. Call your doc and ask for it. Claritin doesn't work for me either. Did you say that you got the shot of steroids or even the steroid pack?

Okay...what I said last night in my stressed out mode still holds. I'd like some time to process and internalize. To REGROUP.

I agree with what most everyone is saying. Clearly, there is a lot of merit in what BR and others are saying. I couldn't see past the delivery...I don't want to be coddled, but when the delivery gets in the way of the message than it's not doing anyone any good. Just a simple, "This is going to hurt, but" at the beginning of the post helps to convey the fact that the poster is sensitive to the fact that this is going to be a tough blow.

At the same time, I know it is a matter of style and to each his own. I'm just sharing what works for ME, and what helps me to be most receptive to criticism.

Now I hope we can put all of this behind us....??

This might sound stupid, but here goes. What I would REALLY like to do is to have some help in making a list of what I NEED to do. Very specific, very concise, but comprehensive, i.e.;

I truly need to examine my motives.
I need to stop reacting out of fear.
I need to let go of my need to control.
I need to be aware of my tendency to go on the attack in subtle ways. (the SHOL thing)
I need acceptance (but apparently I don't really know what this means??)

This is just a start, but you see what I mean.

This is how I process things: What. So what. Now what.

Identify the issue/problem. Examine the consequences and implications. Decide what to do in response.

Right now, I feel like the "Whats" are all over the map and I can't get a handle on them. There's so many that it's overwhelming...and they are all biggies. There are pages and pages of posts here and it can be difficult to sort through it all and pick out the nuggets.

The "So whats" have been made pretty clear, but again, all of that discussion sometimes gets ahead of me when I'm still trying to figure out the "What."

You all have a perspective on me that I don't have (duh). You are outside looking in, I am inside, looking out. What you see is different from what I experience. You all can read BRs post from the outside and see the merit behind it. I read BRs post and I react emotionally, because it is directed at me. I lack objectivity....at least initially. I need to back off a bit and reflect AFTER the emotional reaction has subsided.

ANYWAY...I'm hoping you can help me boil down the "Whats." There are plenty, but hopefully we can pick out a few to really focus on. The "So whats" will be fairly obvious, I think. The real work lies in the "Now whats" and implementing them.

How linear is THAT? Sheesh. Please don't tell me that one of the "Whats" is that I have to be less linear. That would send me over the edge.

One other thing, though, that troubles me a bit. What I am proposing above is a deficit model rather than an asset model. I don't want to lose sight of the assets that I have. Remembering my assets, taking pride in my assets...this gives me the motivaton and confidence to work on my deficits.

Now if that's self-serving or rationalizing or justifying or whatever...what can I say? It keeps me sane to know that I am not a total screw-up. I have to have something to build on here. It is easy to get drawn in to all the things that are "wrong" with me, and I end up feeling down and defeatist.

That's not healthy, either.

Blah, blah, blah. I'm rambling.

Yeah, I got a shot of prednisone Thurs. evening. They started at noon on Thurs. But other than that, the recommendation was Benadryl and Claratin.

This isn't seasonal. This has never happened before. The doc said it was probably a food allergy, but I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary, so who knows.

It does look less severe this morning (so far it is confining itself to my legs), so maybe it's running its course. I'll give it the day and see how I do.

my brother developed food allergies in his late forties.... he now has an extensive list of things he cannot eat... nothing unusual. It will be worth exploring if this doesn't clear up soon.
I am assuming that they asked you about switching soaps and laundry detergents...anti perpirants and perfume are sometimes biggies too.
You could have come in contact with something that just is a one time thing. Let's hope for that huh. I am sure this is driving you crazy.... but it will be over soon enough.
Now... stop scratching! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dear Heavenly Father -

Please wrap Your arms around our angel, LilSis

Allow her to feel Our Love and Yours

For this we pray

LilSis, glad to be of help.

Actually, I think you're very brave to be exposing your personal journey to the glare of the board. Most of my worst moments were known only to me and my IC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

OK, so now you've woken yourself up to awareness of the shadow side, which is a big thing. So, what do you do with it?

All I can tell you is what I've learned in my own personal journey. Whenever I feel compelled to behave in an 'assertive' way, there's often a tiny moment when I feel uncomfortable. It's tiny because I am so quick to push past the discomfort with a bunch of self-talk that supports my desires. "He needs to be told that." "It's about time I stood up for myself." "No-one else would take this cr*p from anyone; why should I?" We all do that; it's human.

But I've learned that I have to pay attention - to actively LOOK for that tiny moment of unease. I need to examine it carefully to see what it's telling me about my motivations and true reasons. I have to work hard at being honest with myself.

Sometimes the truth is that I'm acting out of hate and fear, and I want to hurt the other and reduce their power.

Sometimes it's almost impossible not to do that. But acting out of fear rarely advances a situation in any positive way. Defending myself means that I'm not listening, or trying to understand the other, or working towards any kind of solution.

It's only when I'm acting out of compassion that anything progresses. Unless I'm really willing to believe that the other wants to be happy just as much as I do, and is struggling, however hopelessly,towards that...then I find myself becoming judgemental and fearful and angry. And then the other reacts to that, and the situation becomes a battle.

Compassion, I've found, feels like weakness, as if I'm letting the other off with something for which they should be punished. True compassion is not weak, it's just that you have to learn to defend yourself with something other than hate and fear.

When you confronted your WH, were you acting out of hate and fear, or from a compassionate place? (Hate and fear is understandable, as long as they're not dressed up in your mind as something else.)

If your WH were to crawl back tomorrow morning, it would be against a background of him being very, very wrong, and you being very, very right. Has there been much in the interactions between you to suggest to him that you are willing to let him back on an equal, scores-even footing? If not, he's looking at a future with you in which he's always down on points. I wouldn't find that attractive, would you?

Of course, he has no right to come back to you without committing to make himself someone who won't hurt you like this again. But if he does reach the point of being able to do that, he needs to know that there is a place of compassion where he will not constantly be judged and found lacking. I think that place exists within your heart, but does he know that?

TA

This isn't seasonal. This has never happened before. The doc said it was probably a food allergy, but I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary, so who knows.

___________________

stress is likely a contributor.
my H developed a horrible case of hives ( i had to call an ambulance) out of nowhere when he was in he was mid 30's....docs couldn't pin it on anything....except MAYBE olives.......(he ate olives for years w/o hives!)

at the time he was very stressed.....his company was consolidating and closing the facility he worked at.... he wasn't sure what was going to happen to him......we had a new house) and a hefty mortgage) a new baby and both of us had lost our fathers a few months before.

however, he was feeling FINE at the time....sorta pushed that stress ou tof his mind.
repressed it....i think it's the denial of the stress that causes his hives....he gets himself to a point where he thinks he's got everything under control.....he feeling good.......uhoh...hives!


he has had several cases of hives since then but has learned how to 'deal' w/ them..takes a 1/2 benadryl and lays down flat asap....eats some bread if he's had any alchohol to drink.

hope you feel better soon.

*snicker*
Thanks, Pep, I choked on my watermelon.

Sis, it's been a long time since I got hives, but I'm itching in sympathy. Hope they're better today.

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=h...en%26rls%3DGGLG,GGLG:2005-32,GGLG:en%26sa%3DN

LilSis,
Look at the picture in the web site listed above.

I read a biography of the wife of Leo Tolstoy, who wrote perhaps the greatest novel ever on marriage, Anna Karenina. I knew that he based one of the couples on his own passionate relationship with his wife, so I thought the biography would be happy.

The marriage ended badly. The portrait of them was described in my book this way: "Aged misery could not be more poignantly depiicted. His hands thrust deep into his belt, Tolstoy, now within six months of death, stands in frozen dejection. His sunken eyes stare straight in front of him. Too tired, too defeated to resist, he looks like some wretched creature being dragged to teh slaughter-house. At his side, both hands possessively clutching at him, Sonya, dressed all in white, is evidently trying hard to make him turn towards herself; her face, fron which every vestige of beauty and charm has gone, intently searching his, as though dredging it for a smile or any slightest sign of response."

Tostoy, who was passionately in love with his wife for years and years, got to the point where he escaped from the house in the middle of the night and fled to see his sister, a nun in a convent. When he learned that she was following after him, he left with a friend and a servant. He ended up sick at a train station. She followed him there and was not admitted for five days, until he was within hours of death.

I'm glad you're done. You were in Plan B hoping, hoping, for a turn in him. Now you can face life as it is.

I thought of you reading this book

Cherished

Sis, although if you asked for my opinion, I would advise you not to give up this soon, you haven't asked, so I won't give you any advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And if you decided at any point to give up entirely on your M, I would support you wholeheartedly in that, whether or not I feel I would have chosen differently.

All opinions aside, it is a fact that 4 months of Plan B is not enough to predict a final outcome. A year of Plan B is not enough to predict a final outcome. Even after 2 years there are still often surprises, but Dr. Harley chose a 2-year recommendation based on his own experience, that most people (not all), who were going to change their minds and want to return home, would have done it by that point.

Again, the above facts do not mean that every BS has to wait 2 years or they will have given up too soon. The above facts do not mean that your marriage will likely be saved, or likely be lost.

All I am saying, is it is waaaaaaaay to soon to decide whether this is how your life is destined to be...unless you are the one who chooses this as your destiny. (Which is your right.)

I still believe that someday your WH will show up on your doorstep, lost and broken, wanting to do anything to put his family together again. Will it happen in time for you to want it? I don't know. But I believe it will happen.