"Are you serious" was the question she posed to WH's attorney, according to mine.

But I have learned to take nothing for granted. Until the ink is dry, I will sweat, because this is too important.

I still think that he is trying that 50/50 custody arrangment to get CS reduced. Of course, the judge knows that tactic and sees it all the time. I know he doesn't think you are actually violent and unstable or he would not let the boys stay with you...the judge will see that too. He is just grasping at anything at all. He must be feeling pretty desperate.

The other thought I had was that his lawyer may be telling him to be agressive, to ask for much more than he expects from a bargaining standpoint.

Just some ideas...

Sounds like a good judge and that she was calling BS on WH's transparent attempts to manipulate the system. I don't think you have to worry about the custody as proposed by him. You're right. His proposal was so one-sided there wasn't anything equitable or fair about it and it SURE wasn't "in the best interests of the children."

As my IC pointed out, however, regardless of whether it is WH's attorney that is pushing it, or if WH is pushing it....WH is ultimately responsible. He's either instigating it himself or he's allowing it. The attorney represents HIM.

Either way, it is a very, very poor reflection on WH.

And asking for the moon to use as a bargaining chip doesn't seem very sensible if it is so clear that it's a ploy. Why bother?? You just end up looking like an unreasonable, malicious creep.

I can expect ANYTHING to happen; and it scares me. But I'll just take it as it comes....

SL: Yep, BS fog. Desperately holding on to a fantasy; disregarding the hard realities; in denial. I do feel that peace now...a strength that I am okay alone; that I have been dealt a hand and I have to play it, like it or not.

You are doing so much better LilSis....

You are correct about something in one of your previous posts and that is that at some point you have to quit making excuses for the person they USED to be and accept that the person they are trotting out in front of you now is the person they have chosen to be. I did the same thing for my ex WW, giving her every benefit of doubt that she could not have become this person that I don't even know, but she had and unfortunately so has you WH. You are doing well to accept that and leave him to God.

Hang in there!

Just remember, Sis, that it can be hard to hold on to this concept. We get triggered or trigger ourselves, and suddenly all the acceptance slips away from us and we're miserable again. If you figure out how to hold onto it all the time, please let me know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sis - sounds like you are doing well, even contributing to others on their threads.

You will get there, you can do it.

Sis,

First time you are hearing from me...just wanted to join in with the rest to assure you that you have come a long way... you are doing the work... and it shows... you are coming out of the BS fog... strong...VERY STRONG!

Hang in there... you and your kids are worth the work!!

Hugs.

Thanks for checking in, luna. I've followed your story from time to time and I hope to be in the place you are.
Yeah, no kidding, huh? Don't you wish you could bottle it up? Even on those good days I KNOW that there will be difficult ones to come. My mindset is different now, though, so I'm hoping that I can keep myself from slipping too far.

But again, I'm going to take it as it comes...TODAY I am okay.

It was easier when my sister was here. And it is really quiet here with the boys gone. I've got plans with friends the next three nights.

One thing that I acknowledged to myself last night while out walking: I have really been awful to WH since d-day. We have both hurt each other greatly. Even though there were some good Plan A moments, in the big picture, I did not present WH with any kind of good alternative to RT. Many, many times, I acted from a place of anger, fear and vindictiveness, not from love or compassion. Too MANY times....

So....I take responsibility for that. I know that I screwed up. WH screwed up. It is unfortunate for the boys that they have two parents who have acted like kids themselves. They are the ones who will be most damaged by it; who will feel its effects for the rest of their lives.

I've just got to do the very best I can with the situation that I'm in now...a situation that is a result of my poor choices. I am going to take a deep breath and move forward.

I am afraid....especially of the ugliness that is bound to ensue during the D proceedings. And I do not want joint custody. But it is one day at a time, and I've been through some really, really bad things before, and survived. Nothing--NOTHING--has been easy.

I will allow myself to break down when I need to, privately giving in to the fear and anxiety, but I do know now that when it comes down to it, when something is on the line, I will get through. When it is sink or swim, I'm a swimmer.

Dog paddling...sometimes the deadman's float, but I haven't drowned yet.

Ahhhh, yes, I, too was angry during my Plan A. I did well not to show it much, but IT was hard to control. Try to put the anger in perspective. You were fighting the demon that was taking your family, your husband, away. For me, during that time sorrow and anger went hand in hand. i would let this go, as much as you can. It's much more important to recognize what you did to him prior to his A, and fix that.

I seem to remember you doing all sorts of lovely things for your WH, during your PLAN A, notes and flowers, hugs and kisses, smiles and support. Not perfect, but very good. I think it's time for you to admit that you've done all that YOU can, regardless of how angry you may have been.

My DS learned to doggie paddle this year; most of the time he barely keeps his head above water, but he does. He's learning the mechanics of it all, just like you, learning this new existence.

I did not present WH with any kind of good alternative to RT. Many, many times, I acted from a place of anger, fear and vindictiveness, not from love or compassion. Too MANY times....

___________________________
hey LS,

it's good that you can admit that to yourself. I know how difficult that can be...how easy it is to justify....after all you had a very good reason to act so awful (and you really did) but that does not change how if affected the situation and i think it's a big step forward for you to accept that responsibility.
now, don't beat yourself up......you are a wonderful mother!

try to enjoy this quiet week.
school will be here before you know it.

LilSis:

About this:

One thing that I acknowledged to myself last night while out walking: I have really been awful to WH since d-day. We have both hurt each other greatly. Even though there were some good Plan A moments, in the big picture, I did not present WH with any kind of good alternative to RT. Many, many times, I acted from a place of anger, fear and vindictiveness, not from love or compassion. Too MANY times....

No, NADA, Absolutly NOT!.

Until December 12, 2006, you were fighting a man who was trying to destroy your M. Who allowed you to sit in a Jail cell for two days, and said "I am Free" after the slap...

Then you arrived here.

Did a terriffic Plan A and did everything right.

And your WH stayed put.

Circle Sep 27, and the Oct date on your calendar. It's only going to get uglier.

Would you go back 10 years and do somethings differently?

Certainly. Among other things, I would have bought more Microsoft Stock.

You can't change the past.

Your WH is stuck in it.

To parapharase WhoMe's H, who said to her after seeing her first H after 20 years, "He let the good one get away, and he regrets it"

That's where WH will be.

HE destroyed it. You were part of a M, one you tried to fix. WH decided not to.

Be strong.

Become BigSis.

And never, ever worry about the shell that your WH has become.

Keeping walking by the Coffee shop.

It scares him more than you.

Remember that.

LG

Sis,

Two things - one will be technical, I will save that for last.

When you said you did not offer much more than RT - you were wrong there. She offers him a lying, cheating wh0re. You offer him a good, honest, loving, true-hearted women. He is just too fogged out to make the right choice.

Now for the technical "schoolbus lesson for the day". As you know, part of what I do involves the study of memory. Your ideas in the post above about not having behaved well, and shown WH your best, yadda, yadda, is a bit of revisionist history, that. There is a reason for this occurring, based in memory science. In memory science, it is called "consistency error". Basically what happens is that often what we are feeling currently is somewhat pasted over past events, and those feelings are attributed to what we might have felt back then, over a longer period of time.

This is actually what happens when waywards rewrite marital history. They are feeling somewhat disenchanted about something in the marriage, say, their spouse does not meet X emotional need. Because they are feeling this way currently, the way the memory works, it then extends this memory backward to prior events, and this belief then says, "well, this is actually the way I have always felt".

You are experiencing consistency error right now. You didn't actually not extend the hand to your husband. You DID try, many, many times to open the door to him. You showed him and told him you loved him, time and time again. You wrote him a letter, and talked to him on the phone. Look at your own thread, and verify it. Don't let yourself rewrite history because of the way you are feeling now.

I would also like to point out that, in many events, we can and DO consciously eliminate consistency error. When we make a purposeful decision to change ourselves or our behavior, for instance, or decide to change our minds about how we "feel" about something - say, political views for example - we actually either do not experience consistency error, alter it, or in some cases, exaggerate it in the opposite direction (another lesson).

This could explain how one can "recover" from the "fog" of being wayward in the first place. Recognition of the consistency error within the memory system would assist the wayward person with coming out of the fog, and therefore realizing that the REALITY is that the history of the relationship with the spouse was not what they had "rewritten". They have a "reawakening", and just feel so much better about themselves because they are thinking with clearer minds - because they truly ARE.

This is why Plan A works, in my mind. Plan A consistently interjects reminders to the memory of the WS the good and positive qualities of the BS, the way the BS does meet ENs, and brings up past memories of positive events with the BS that counter the rewriting, causing the memory to question the possible error within the system.

It might help the BS during Plan A to assist in the process of busting this error in the memory system by utilizing photos of happy times, videos of the couple together and with friends, and revisiting places that the couple had good memories, in order to "increase the signal strength" to the memory system and further work to cause the system to question for error.

I told you I had a strange job. I actually use this stuff at work.....


School's out for now.


Hope this helps!

Schoolbus

WOW, schoolbus, that is so interesting. When I began to emerge from the fog, it was an awakening. So much pain just lifted away, when i realized that I was tranferring what I was feeling, due to CURRENT pain, onto what WAS. This is probably about the same time that I began to let go.

I rewrote history, so many times myself, looking at how HORRIBLE I was, trying to find ways to JUSTIFY my husband leaving . That was not my job; that is his to deal with.

Wow, schoolbus! Thanks!

What an interesting job you must have!

Fox

Very cool. That makes SOOO much sense to me. Thank you SB for your contribution to MB. You have a very unique perspective that helps tremendously.

Lil Sis, I think the posters above are right on. You DID do a magnificent Plan A and I believe it DID effect WH. You're going to come out of this smelling like a rose.

Just remember sis, your WH's poor choices have landed you both right where you are. Sure, you could have done some things differently, however, you are not responsible for HIS choice to engage in an affair. You are partially responsible for the state of the marriage prior to his affair, and so is he. It takes two willing parties to make a marriage work.

Thank you, SB.

As far as not offering a good alternative to RT...it has more to do with the here and now stuff. He had the option of a nutty, bitter and angry "wife" or a comforting and adoring soulmate. Even when I try to be objective about it, I don't think I made nearly enough good impressions to wipe away the negatives....let alone counterbalance the pile of steaming rat [censored].

And as far as the more technical stuff: that level of insight is both fascinating and helpful, and it makes good sense. Is it a bit like cognitive dissonance reduction?

I don't want to re-write history, and at the same time I realize that many of my perceptions about my history were false. (That sounds contradictory....which is probably exactly the point you are making?)

I thought I was being responsible, and instead I was being controlling. I thought I was thoughtful, but instead I was manipulative. I thought I was in a happy marriage, and instead my "friend" was sleeping with my husband and they both lied about it. I thought I had achieved my dream, but instead I was headed for a nightmare.

What makes even MORE sense when viewed through the lense of consistency error is this: I have been thinking A LOT lately about how WH wasn't as great a husband as I thought he was. I have remembered little incidents where he embarrassed me or was unkind to me or made a prejudicial remark about someone that really bothered me. A bunch of these little things coming back....after months of rose-colored lenses...is this part of consistency error? Or is this just receeding fog?

I'm not taking full responsibility for everything....obviously WH did his share. What I am taking responsibility for is the fact that I wasn't the world's greatest wife, and I was a plain awful "woman scorned." None of that was an excuse for WH to do what he did/is doing, or how HE responded to my less than stellar wife-li-ness and my emotional meltdown....he owns that.

What he does with the stuff he owns is not my business anymore.

I don't quite know what to do with the stuff I own, but I'm not going to sweat it right now. I'll tuck away what I've learned (am learning?), and hopefully I will REMEMBER to take it out when I need it. Hopefully it will keep bubbling away, or grow like a seed. One day at a time.

*****

I might get a dog. I went to the Humane Society today and met a really sweet little girl...some kind of lab/spaniel mix I think...all black. Looks like a flat-coated retriever but smaller and with a curled tail.

I really miss having a dog around....I LOVED P, my old dog, but she is a part of my past, and I suspect that WH has pawned her off on someone else since she is never at the ILs when the boys go. I feel badly for her that she got displaced because of all this...I should have kept her...but I was truly unable to care for her.

I didn't have the strength to manage her on a walk, and I was overwhelmed with all of the other responsibilities that had been dumped in my lap. Now she's been gone so long, and she's too "connected" to WH and RT (WH took P for "walks" that were really romantic trysts...gag)

Maybe a fresh start will help relieve some little part of all the losses that I've experienced?

What do you think?

I got a kitten a few months ago, and it has been great. The kids love her. She's got a great personality and wants to be around me all the time. So, yeah, I like the dog idea.

Sis, I just wanted to say that I think you are doing very well. I know the sadness is still there, but you are learning so much right now, about yourself. I hope you sleep well tonight and have a great Thursday.

I'm sorry that you miss P. I guess a precautionary reminder; dogs are a lot of work, and you can't NOT do it, but they give back so unconditionally, sometimes on the floor, YIKES <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, but it's all done in LOVE... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />