LS-

I would make sure to get together with MIL. But don't talk about WH at all. Talk about your dog, the kids, your garden, job, the weather.... like you used to talk to her.

She probably misses you too.

Don't act, just be. But just be you, not the person that is going through an emotional time. Tap into the reserve of self-control, and be nice, polite, friendly, cheerful, etc.

And one other thing you need to keep in mind: It is easy to cut people out of your life because they disappoint you. Or they did something that you disagree with. Or you can just accept that they are not perfect, and that they are living up to their expectations of what they want out of life.

Sometimes it is a better thing to just accept that you will not be able to see eye to eye on an issue (MIL letting WH live with her) but you can learn to accept her, as a person. You do not need to bother with the area that you do not agree on.

You can learn to appreciate people's GOOD characteristics, and not judge them on what you do not agree with about them, or a choice, or a decision they made.

In the long run, it makes life better for you. You are no longer carrying around grudges, hurt, anger. You LET IT GO. You agree to disagree, and move on.

Like with the cop. He probably feels TERRIBLE about what happened with you and WH. But he works with WH. He considers WH a friend. It is a bit unrealistic to think that WH's friends would all ditch him after what he did. In the world, unfortunately, it does not always work that way.

I am sure though, that if you had decided to divorce your WH, and move in with your mom, you would still have a support system of your friends and family. It just works out that way. That is what friends and family are for.

I can tell you this much. I know that my WH's friends (two in particular) tried to talk him out of leaving, tried to get him to work things out with me. WH did not. But they are still his friends, they felt bad about it all. I could choose to be angry at them because he still hangs out with them, or I can just accept that, Hey, they have no control over him anymore than I do. They are his friends, and they will continue to be his friends.

I don't know. I am trying to basically say this: learn to accept some faults in your fellow human beings. No one is perfect, and if you constantly feel let down by others because they did not support your agenda, you will not be a happy person. Don't take everything so personally. Realize that WH's world does not at all revolve around you. So don't revolve around him.

So is this a yes?

When I accept my SELF, when I am REALLY okay with myself, when I am able to (as SB says) disregard as junk the voices of untrustworthy sources....and trust in God and HIS voice...then those needs to be right and to control and to please will just disappear?

Or at a minimum, be significantly reduced?

I was going to say that believing God is okay with me (because He's all-forgiving and loves without measure) is easier than ME being okay with me...but then I realized that's pretty brazen of me. What's good enough for God ought to be good enough for me, right?

Hmmmmm. Gotta think on that.

(BTW, change "are looking for" to "seek" and you've got yourself a Yoda line. That frustrated me in the movies, too. )

Sadmo:
You are so right. Thank you for the advice, and for sharing your examples. I recognize how unrealistic I have been...how high my expectations were, and how I let myself and others down by having those expectations. It has taken people here to help me see all of that, though my own fogginess.

I think the A shook me so deeply that all that was left was black and white, right and wrong, good and bad, friend or foe. It has been fight or flight for a long time now.

It's time for me to move away from that...

You're doing great, LS!

I see a great deal of growth taking place!

Lots of healing!

Yay!!!!

~ Marsh

Yes....how arrogant to think that you know better about yourself than God does...

methinks you are getting it!

How was the bookstore? *cough*

"When I accept my SELF, when I am REALLY okay with myself, when I am able to (as SB says) disregard as junk the voices of untrustworthy sources....and trust in God and HIS voice...then those needs to be right and to control and to please will just disappear?

Or at a minimum, be significantly reduced?"



I think you understand me, yes.

There is a component to the affair that strips away at your ability to trust your own judgement about how you have made decisions in the past. Your brain somewhat convinces itself that you have failed, and therefore your decision-making process is therefore questionable. Somehow, illogically I might add, this spreads like wildfire within the brain - an error process taking place that is truly fascinating to me (sorry!). The BS brain often begins to question its own trustworthiness, and the errors spread - for example, I had problems choosing the correct outfit for work. The brain has a magnificent ability to check and cross-check itself for safety and error-free processing; however, in some cases this can become problematic. As you can tell from being a BS, this sort of bleeds over into other systems and can wreak havoc in areas outside of the intended system. Nature gone awry.

So, we rebuild. Not an easy process.

We have to more or less teach our brain to trust our own judgements again. Doing that makes for some real work, because, like I have said before, the brain does not like to store information unless it deems it fully reliable across several trials, or unless it obvious evidence or reason to place immediate truthful value on it for storage right away. With emotions, that's hard to do; with emotional growth, change in behavior, response to others - this is even harder because it takes repeated trials and reinforcers to convince the brain that something works. And every interaction with someone is somewhat different - situations, conversations, topics, etc., change each time. Hard to have the brain make the connections "firm up" and say "yes, this new way of thinking and behaving is better and more reliable, and yes, my reasoning and logic is, in fact, still intact."

It is a process, not a singular event, that takes place to re-convince the brain that we are "reliable sources". So we agonize over our own decisions, and tend to rely on the information others give us more than that of our own, because we actually don't really trust ourselves for a time.

Sis, you are coming back to being able to trust yourself.

Seems like a hard step.

In a way it is, because the "you" you are trusting isn't the same "you" that was there when this process began, is it?

Your brain knows that.
And you have come into conscious awareness of that. This fact makes the process better, in a way, because you have the ability to tell your own brain - "Hey, I choose to think this way" and believe me, your brain LISTENS to you.

Funny thing, that.

You really are in charge here.



You know, my signature line is there for a reason. Joseph Pintauro was a poet I read in high school in the 60's. (Don't y'all go there!!!!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I think we are all, as humans, pretty stupid some of the time. I suppose that's why I get the forgiveness thing - I'm just as stupid as a teenager sometimes, and need forgiveness. I figure, if I'm not stupid at least once a day, I haven't lived.

Some days, I think I go back and do some extra-duty stupid things to make up for the days when I skipped being stupid...or maybe I'm paying it forward???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />


But really it has to do with the God connection. God is the one force that is true, just, unwavering, right.

Never like us, never stupid, never faltering.


I just don't think you can go wrong if you trust God, trust what you believe in as right, and trust that inner voice that tells you what you know to be true. Listen to those things, give the opposition a good listen-to, trust God, and then decide.

You are doing fine.

SB: Lots to think about. I would like to trust my own voice, but as you noted, I second guess everything these days. Is that inner voice speaking from a place of truth, or from fear, just masking itself as truth...or at least "right"? I can't always tell. Which perceptions are errors, and which are truths?

My brain is telling me that I can't trust myself anymore, because I made a decision and ended up hurting very, very badly as a result (my IC has pointed out that I did have an instinct that told me something was off, but I ignored it because WH TOLD me my instinct was wrong). All my decision-making mechanisms are now called into question. Probably one of the reasons that it has been hard to focus at work. ??

BR: Got the book. I've just been skipping around reading here and there. I like it, AND I feel as if I have so much to learn, which is discouraging...I'd like to be past this. Jan. 1 has me setting goals. I have one: contentment. I'd like to shut out this nagging voice that tells me things are not right, that I'm helpless, that none of this "should have" happened, that I'm tired and just want a life back, that I'm alone.

I know those voices are wrong, but sometimes, when I am tired or feeling sick or the weather is bad, or HALT (hungry angry lonely tired)...the voices get louder.

Another thing that is discouraging....I'll still hurt. I may grow and become whole and confident and trust in myself and God and live in the present...but I realized that won't take away the hurt, will it.

Suggestions for how to make my way through the book? Start at the beginning? Really do it one day at a time?

ETA: My b-day is control. Big surprise.

Sis~

[color:"purple"] Progress, not Perfection. [/color]

I use the index of the book. I figure out what the theme is that I am dealing with on a daily basis.

If I am having problems with anger...I look in the back and find all the readings on anger. or control, or letting go, or whatever.

Or if I really want a G-odd moment, I just flip the pages and stick my finger in there and see what comes up.

BR- I do the same thing...I scan the index and that issue will pop out at me everytime...sometimes more than one!

We never graduate from the program! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Doing great SIS, one day at a time! keep it Simple! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay....that would be everything. I guess I should set aside time to read the whole book everyday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do the flip the pages thing with the Bible.

**
WH emailed my intermediary (LK) and said he wants to come to the house and retrieve some personal belongings and important papers. He said that I could be there or someone else. I told LK that it would be helpful if he made a list; I don't like the idea of him rifling thru the house...and that "important" papers might be important to me too. I told her to respond sweetly.

Ugh. I really just sort of wish he would disappear. What has really been difficult lately is the absence of the boys. They have spent so much time lately away from home living a life I know nothing about. They are just too young for that; to have a whole life that doesn't include their mom. But it is what it is. And I don't like it. But as WH would say "lots of kids do it." This makes it okay; because WH also says that it would be horrible for the boys to live in a home in which their parents had an empty relationship.

Can you see the anger? Can you see the resistance to what is; reluctance to accept what IS?

I'm looking forward to school starting so that we get back in a routine and things seem more stable.

(((((SIS)))))

I understadn completely...wanting them to go away...the kids being gone...the reluctance to accept...

I'm there with you sweetie...you are SOOOO not alone...I just got a new Bible...it's called the Life Recovery Bible: a 12 step Bible...

Got it yesterday and it make it easy to "flip" through...LMAO...there an index!!! So, I sat with it last night, looked at the index, figured out what I was struggling with then got to read verses about it...it helped!

I picked it up on amazon...I'm happy with it so far...

Wishing you the best...I feel your anger too...I want so badly to call up POWS and curse him out for the overdose of meds with L!!!

Keep your chin up...God's plan is better than our's! hard to remember sometimes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now Miss Perfectionist, pick ONE thing and work on that.

Self-acceptance!

As for Mr. WH....under no circumstances should he be allowed to come home and get a "home fix". Notice his sneaky way of getting a "Sis fix" by generously offering to allow you to be there too?

He can send a list (good job on that one) and give it to LK, or to your attorney.

PS March 3rd!

Okay, BR, off to find just a FEW passages to read today. I'll look through the index and see what draws me in. That will be the "right" thing.

Never considered the "getting a fix" thing. It did occur to me the other day that every time WH drops off the kids, he gets out of the car and walks around to the back gate, where he can look in the backyard and presumably get a peek in the kitchen. When I drop the kids off, I don't get out; I do hugs and kisses right there in the car. It wouldn't occur to me to get out.

I always figured he got out as a way to "show me" that he didn't mind being a presence at the house, that he still "belonged" here or had a right to be here...that he wasn't going to "hide" from me. Sort of like the way he stood in the hallway when we were at the settlement conference. "You don't scare me, Sis, I don't have to hide from you; I've got nothing to be ashamed of; I'm fine with who I am..."

ALL assumptions; ALL judgements....

you are right, assumptions and judgements.

he very well may intend those things...but if he was really sure that he was doing the right thing he wouldn't need to prove it to you like that.

Let it go, let God work on him.

LS-

What is it that is stopping you from accepting things, and moving forward?

Why are you not able to feel complete unless you have WH back?

I am curious. I feel that you would be upset because you lost. Or feel that you lost.

Do not look at it that way... look at this time as a time to grow, and be you, without someone else in the picture. Find you.

I think that you did good with the e-mail. He does not need to rifle through things in YOUR house. He can send a list, you can get the things for him, and he does not need to be in your house.

You can do this, you are a strong lady!

Much of what holds me back is my image of family, and how the kids won't get the realize that. I do not feel that my FAMILY will be complete without the husband and father.

It's the kids who will be the ones who lose.

They lose the possiblity and reality of an intact family in a secure and nurturing home; they lose a father who models strengh and integrity, they get carted around, back and forth between "homes," they've had to grow up too soon, simply because of WH's unwillingness or inability to make good choices.

If it were JUST me....I think this would be entirely, entirely different.

For your boys-

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in His holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families,
He leads forth the prisoners with singing..."
Ps 68:5-6

It's hard for us mama bears when we know our cubs are going to be hurt. Yes, it is best for them to have an intact family, but God promises He will be there for them.

I have seen it happen with my own kids. My DS15 has become more of a man than his dad right now. Last week he called his dad to tell him that he (DS15) forgave his dad. That was huge. DS15 obedience to God in his forgiveness opened communication between them in a way I had not imagined. Once again God showed me that He really is in control and it had nothing to do with me. What I had to do before this happened was let go of trying to get my XH to engage, to admit and face what he had done, to change.

It was me who God changed first, with my expectations and need to try to figure out how to "fix" things. And it wasn't easy. It didn't happen all at once. I had to stop trying to "solve" the problem. (Which wasn't mine to do in the first place because I have no control over XH-that darned free will again).

I would encourage you to read the Psalms. They are full of questions, rants, vents, praises (sometimes in the same Psalm!). They let me know that God is okay with my humanness, my weakness, my tears.

My heart understands yours.

In His Grip-

Now you're taking words out of my mouth. Again.


Oh, yes. No question about that. This would be so much easier without kids. Or if the WS had just died.

(((Sis)))

I'm going to try to focus and be creative and do some work. Then write a letter to the SCQ. Then pray for her.

Sis,

This situation IS NOT OK.

Acceptance does not mean you have to be OK with it.

It just IS what it IS, and you are the Mom that God gave to your boys, so you have to focus on that.

You can not make their dad be the best Dad. But you CAN be the best Mom you can be.

Sis,

Several of us are struggling with this right now, so don't beat yourself up too badly. Lots of good advice coming all around the board on this!

You are a Great Mom! Focus on the fantastic positives you have in yourself and in your life! There are Many!

{{{SIS}}}