There once was a man who carved animals out of the pits from peaches. He made a specialty of carving monkeys from the peach pits. People always asked him to carve a monkey for them, because he had gotten so good at doing it, and the monkeys he carved were so detailed and so beautiful.

The little monkeys he carved soon became very coveted pieces of artwork in the area. He spent lots of time carving them, and selling them to make extra money for his family.

He decided to carve a very special monkey for his son. He worked on it from time to time, as his son was growing up, and carried the work in his pocket every day. He would pull it out and carve on it in the evenings sometmes, when time permitted, or when he was not busy at other things. The father put great pride into this very special monkey, knowing that he would give it to his son when he became a man.

The years passed, and the time came that the son was now grown. The father, now older, put the finishing touches on the peach pit monkey. The work of art was now complete.

He took his son aside and pulled the little carving out of his pocket. "Son, when I started carving this for you, I wanted it to be the most beautiful and perfect work I had ever produced. But it has been worn over time, and taken some knicks here and there. It has a small crack here, and chip there, and I didn't quite get this one part right. I carved each and every stroke with love and care, yet it didn't reach the perfection I had planned. I hope you like it anyway."

The son told his father, "I will always cherish the monkey, because it was made just for me, by my father's hand. I will always know that each and every blemish traced a step along the way of our lives together, a life I have loved because of you."



Children know life isn't perfect. They just look to us to help them when it isn't.

You are all right....it doesn't make it any less painful, though, does it, to know that you aren't able to give your children the gifts you most want to give?

Today, the boys and I sang aloud (and repeatedly) all the songs to High School Musical 2 (bought the soundtrack yesterday), we went to the pet store with the dog to pick out some new food, DS9 helped me make soup for dinner, we went grocery shopping and to Blockbuster, where we rented the first Harry Potter movie (we only have the VHS version and thus haven't watched it in years), and had delicious soup, grapes, and some taquitos (!) for dinner...with raisinettes for dessert...in the attic while we watched the movie.

Along with his birthday gifts, I had given DS9 a "coupon" for an attic picnic of his choice...he got to choose the day, the menu, and the movie. He cashed it in today.

So....I'll do what I can as a mom. Let the rest fall as it may.

(It was interesting, SB, in the email that WH sent to LK....he didn't refer to me by name...I was just "she," as in, "she can be there if she wants." I know, I'm not supposed to see his emails, but LK bcc'd me on her reply, which was very cordial BTW---develop a list and we will arrange for a pick-up time. Good news...I wasn't triggered! Went right on with my day.)

That's great, Sis. I'm proud of you. I love the attic picnics.

(((Sis)))

LS-
The attic picnics... you KNOW your boys will remember them forever... don't you?

You know, sometimes it is the small things that are most important.

With my Dad, I remember playing catch. With my mom, planting flowers, and girlscouts.

Are either of the memories better? NO. Different. And I cherish them.

You are doing fine!

Lots of back and forth yesterday between LK and WH. Apparently WH thought he would tell her when he was coming in the house, and he would look around and make a list of what he wanted.

Some stuff he won't know he wants until he sees it, he said.

Kinda sounds like me when I go shopping. I didn't KNOW I wanted those shoes until I saw them!

As I told LK, what things could be SO important to him that after a year of being gone, he can't even remember what those things are? Anyway, he emailed her later (maybe he checked with his attorney?) and told her it could wait until settlement. This is fine.

Anyway, his "list" of things he wants now is the title to the minivan and his life insurance policy. Okay, fine...it will go in the mail pile that DS11 delivers at pick-up.

Maybe his is just that clueless. I'm not sure he even realizes that the locks have been changed, or that he has no legal right to come in the house.

ETA: I was not triggered by this! Very businesslike...except for the shopping bit, because it struck me as funny.

Hi LS!

I haven't ever posted to you. Although I've been keeping up with your posts since you've arrived here at MB's.

When I was out picking up breakfast for our staff here at work I heard this song on the radio and thought of you!

You REALLY ARE the strong one! (and nice to "meet" you too)


Clint Black - The Strong One Lyrics


Lyrics:

When God made woman I wonder sometimes

If it was a flower he had in mind when he made her

A touch as gentle as a butterfly

A kiss so sweet it could stop time forever

God gave man a chance to be the kind of strength a woman needs

He was suppose to be the one to carry that load





CHORUS:

But there she goes

Baby in her arms

World on her shoulder when her day starts

Working a job that don't pay much

but she thanks God it's enough

There she is

on her own two feet

He walked out

but she's still got dreams

Trys to laugh when she feels like crying

Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying

But she's got a heart that gives and gives

Now you tell me who the strong one is



Tonight's the first night in a while

She put on her makeup wearing a smile

She'd going out

And everything was all planned out

but the fever that the baby's got now

It's all shot down

She gives up what she wants to do for what she has to

That's what a momma does

She'll be there like she always is

when the son comes up



CHORUS

And there she goes

Baby in her arms

World on her shoulder when her day starts

Working a job that don't pay much

but she thanks God it's enough

There she is

on her own two feet

He walked out

but she's still got dreams

Trys to laugh when she feels like crying

Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying

But she's got a heart that gives and gives

So you tell me who the strong one is



And there she is on her own two feet

He walked out but she's still got dreams

Trys to laugh when she feels like crying

Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying

But she got a heart that gives and gives

So you tell me who the strong one is



You tell me who the strong one is

>it doesn't make it any less painful, though, does it, to know that you aren't able to give your children the gifts you most want to give?


Sometimes, though, it's not our gift to give them these things.

Sometimes it's best that they only know that you want to give them - even if you can't.

It's a hard lesson for any parent to grasp, Sis. Any of us.

All my love,
Kimmy

SIS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I hope you know HOW SPECIAL you are!!!!

LMAO...and I'm not talking about riding the short bus!!

((((SIS))))

I'm blessed just knowing you and THank you for the help...I appreciate it...in case I failed to mention it!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(((Rin!)))

Kimmy: I just have to repeat here what you wrote, because it is so simple, and yet for some reason it put a number of things into very clear perspective for me:

Sometimes, though, it's not our gift to give them these things.

Sometimes it's best that they only know that you want to give them - even if you can't.

I have become accutely aware of my flaws and failings as a mom during this whole saga. Painfully so. I cringe to think of it.

But according to Kimmy's theory: my inability to give the boys an intact, secure family is ONE failing that I don't have to own. That was a gift that took two people to give. I was willing; WH is not.

This is a revelation. (Are you all saying DUH again? Because it feels like a light bulb to me)

To not OWN that loss....does it sound incredibly selfish to have such a sense of relief about unburdening myself from it?

Why does it matter to me so much to know that I don't have to take responsibility for the fact that the boys won't grow up in that kind of very secure, stable family? Ultimately, the boys STILL don't benefit from it...why does it matter to me that it's not "my fault?"

This seems rather immature and selfish, maybe passing the buck. Or....is it some of the "letting go" stuff such as allowing others to take responsibility for their own choices.

Because yes...I am responsible for the state of the marriage....which means I am culpable.

Where do I draw the line? I'm not sure if I am making sense here...I'm having a hard time articulating what it is that I'm struggling with here.

Guilt? Shame?? I'll have to talk to IC about it.

Just rambling here....

I don't think that you are rambling...I felt the same way...at one point...

It was hard to realize that I was trying to do my part...WH was NOT...Since I did my part, set up MC appt., IC appt. for me, tried to learn where I had gone wrong, learn from my mistakes, approach things differently, change me for the better....but what had WH done?

Nothing, no MC, no IC, didn't care about what he did wrong, refused to meet me half way...is it my fault that he chose not to do these things? (According to him, YES!) NO! I can not make anyone do anything that they do not want to do...

I can not accept the guilt, the shame, the blame...it was REALLY hard not to do that...for me it was growing up and being over responsible...taking on other people stuff, that which was not mine...

Only you can say if it's the same for you...but it was hard to accept that it wasn't my fault...I tried and was not met in the middle...

And I think that it is part of letting go, forgiving ourselves, taking care of us...moving forward...in a positive light...I understand what I could have done differently in my M, NOW...and since I'm not being allowed to take advantage of my knowledge, I can use that knowledge to grow and develop a healthier relationship when I AM ready...

I believe that God puts people in your life for a reason whether it is to learn something or create Wonderful little human beings, whatever, we will never know...they are there for a reason and when it's time for them to leave, it's becuase of God's plan...our job is to learn to walk that narrow path, the one that he wants us to walk...

Just lessons along the way...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just my 2 cents this morning!! LMAO

Lilsis...I know it is tough to see right now...but I believe your boys will still grow up in a healthy, secure and stable home. I have learned enough about you this past year to know that you are a wonderful mom. One day when this is long behind you and the wounds have healed (sort of)... some man will step up and show you just how valuable you truly are...he will love your children and protect your heart.

Passing the buck to your H for breaking up the family is just a statement of fact...so, yes...kind of duh. But he hasn't broken you or your children...you did not give the evil nature of an affair the power to break you....for that you should be proud. Your children will one day express their deep and mature appreciation for the person you have been throughout these troubled times.

Medc

You are culpable, yes, for the state of the marriage, not for anybody choosing to leave. Let your WH own that one, once and for all. THere was nearly NOTHING you could have done to MAKE him change his mind; and anyway, why would you want him home by force?



You draw the line at the doorstep. You stayed, your WH left. You tried like all get out to keep your family unit. YOUR WH walked out. There's your line. It's pretty cut and dry.

Releasing yourself from HIS responsibility in maintaining a healthy family unit is healthy for you. You do what you can now, with what you have, to give those boys as stable a existence as you CAN and WILL.

LilSis, almost all parents set out hoping to give their kids a perfect, stable, milk-and-cookies life. The brutal truth is that we have little power to deliver it. There are too many factors outside our control.

You were lucky to give birth to two healthy children with no physical or mental disabilities (yet, that you know of). You were lucky that you or their father weren't taken by disease when they were young. You were lucky that the family hasn't been blighted by someone's criminal disgrace, or revelations of child abuse, or frightening mental illness.

The fact that none of those events has come about is not down to your careful management or superior living skills. You've just been lucky. An awful lot of people on these boards have not been so lucky.

None of us can guarantee our kids a perfect, apple-pie life. What we can promise them is that we will cope as best we can with the setbacks and disappointments we encounter, and model for them a way to get through those bad times in a healthy, responsible way. Yes, we need to pass on to them ways to manage their lives, but there is no management method that will avoid all problems. The most important role of a parent is to demonstrate how to face up to unexpected and unwanted challenges.

Being dependent on two parents who are preoccupied with assigning blame and claiming victimhood, is not much use for the boys, is it? Frankly, they don't really care who's 'wrong' here. They just need to feel that their welfare is the prime concern of at least one parent.

TA

I don't think you are dealing with guilt or shame ...

I think you are unwilling to acknowledge that you just are not that powerful.

I don't think our job as parents is to provide our children with perfect childhoods. That's a rather unfair, unrealistic goal...and a very very unrealistic view of what life will hand them as adults.

My job as a parent, is to teach my children the coping skills they will need as adults. My job is to share my wisdome, my experience, my strength and my hope.

Your children are watching you deal with this adversity. They are learning from you, how to deal with grief, anger, loss, and betrayal.

These are things they will face as adults.

Don't you think they will value these lessons?

>Are you all saying DUH again?

I'm more of a "der!" type gal, myself. But there ya go!

>does it sound incredibly selfish to have such a sense of relief about unburdening myself from it?

No.

>Why does it matter to me so much to know that I don't have to take responsibility for the fact that the boys won't grow up in that kind of very secure, stable family?

Because, dear one, you put SO MUCH of your life into trying to provide that for them...not realizing that there was always a POTENTIAL for failure. You, me, we...we didn't understand that it might not work out the way we envisioned it. One of the hardest things I had to wrap my brain around was that it wasn't going to happen the way I wanted it to.

Guess what? THAT was selfish of me. It wasn't all mine to give. What a blow to my ego to realize that I couldn't give my kids everything...sha! Ouch.

>is it some of the "letting go" stuff such as allowing others to take responsibility for their own choices.

DING! DING! DING! Give the lady her big, stuffed gorilla.

>I am responsible for the state of the marriage....which means I am culpable.

No. You are responsible for 1/2 of the state...What I see in your statement is that you are trying to take responsibility for the whole state. Nope. Nuh-uh. While the fixer in you may WANT to own the WHOLE problem, you cannot take ownership of someone else's bad choices...no matter how much you want to. It's impossible.

>Where do I draw the line?

You admit to and own your 1/2 and you let go of the rest.

Period.

>I think you are unwilling to acknowledge that you just are not that powerful.

Man. I love me some BrambleRose this morning.

;-)

I think I said it wrong this morning in my rush to get out the door. I know I am only 1/2 responsible for the problems in my marriage, and bear no responsibility for WH's choice to have an A.

I use "culpable" in the sense that I bear SOME culpability. I should have used the word SOME. Gotcha. I'm THERE on that one; sorry it seemed otherwise.

As for the other...

What I was trying to express is that something "clicked" with Kimmy's statement about some gifts not being ours to give.

I realize that it's the same thing everyone has been saying...that I'm not that powerful, I don't control it, etc. For some reason, thinking of my "dream family" as a gift that I am simply not capable of giving them feels more peaceful; something that makes sense; a way of perceiving that resonates with me in a deeper way.

Semantics, maybe, but it works. I can release myself more easily--and peacefully--when I think of it in terms of a gift as opposed to in terms of "power" or "responsibility." The boys and I have many advantages, as TA noted. The fact that the family unit is a gift that I am unable to give the boys takes the focus off of WH completely and brings it to where it should be...on me and what I am or am not ABLE to do.

Why I make this distinction may not make sense to anyone...it's just my way of more effectively interpreting and internalizing the whole concept of letting go.

And I am also recognizing that it is a slippery slope to taking on responsibility for someone else's choice. If I go FAR enough back on the causal chain...yep, there's the thing that *I* did that caused it all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's another DUH. As if I am the person who pushed the first domino and that no one else had anything do do with the placement of the dominoes and that there were no other people pushing them over, too. That's just silly when I think about it.

And the boys are learning lessons (some good along with the bad) and they will survive this. I'll continue to do my best to provide them with the gifts that I AM able to provide: hugs, kisses, a listening ear, good walks, warm beds, hot soup, help with book reports, limits, consequences, compassion.

There is a line at the top of the page of a website I mod on:

"We are all broken in this world, but some choose to grow strong in the broken places."

You are choosing the strength Sis. I see it every time I check in on ya (and yep, I admit it...I'm an avid Sis fan).

What's more, is you are giving your children the tools to build their strengths in the broken places.

And THAT is one of the BEST gifts to give.

(((Sis)))

LilSis:

Keep thinking it thru.

LG

Quote LS:

That's another DUH. As if I am the person who pushed the first domino and that no one else had anything do do with the placement of the dominoes and that there were no other people pushing them over, too. That's just silly when I think about it.

And the boys are learning lessons (some good along with the bad) and they will survive this. I'll continue to do my best to provide them with the gifts that I AM able to provide: hugs, kisses, a listening ear, good walks, warm beds, hot soup, help with book reports, limits, consequences, compassion.


Reaction?

Yes yes and yes. Well put.

Nailed it. And Sis, you are absolutely the only one around here with that problem.