Ah, well...all very interesting. He's not my problem.

Please note that I never said I BELIEVED that line about the "empty relationship"! As I said, it makes it sound like RT is just the bonus prize for bailing on his marriage.

I just wish the kids weren't going away this weekend. I always feel lonely and the house seems empty and I get to feeling sorry for myself that WH has the kids. I'm going to call everyone I know and see who's going to be around this weekend that I can hang out with! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi! It's me! Can I come over? I'll bring beer!

Actually, my psychiatrist (whom I only go or the quick med check every few months) last time when I spoke briefly about WH, pulled out his DSM and went right to the narrcissitic personality disorder page and read me the definition.

As I said, I don't envy him...whatever his "issues."

Excellent answer! I'm proud of you!

The beer is on me if you don't mind a road trip.

Sorry, sd, I already go myself invited to dinner on Saturday (I'm pretty shameless), so the cross-country road trip just isn't in the cards. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And I doubt you can get Leinie's out there so I'd have to BMOB.

Trying to decide what to do with the boys tonight....I want to suck the last bit out of summer vacation...

How about a little "Summer's Over" party? How bout doing a time capsule and burying it in the backyard? Or at the beach? I dunno know... just thinking here.

Sis - i've been so crazy at work...I didn't get to respond to this...


I think you have to stay away from judging what your husband feels or does not.

It will only make you angry - simply because you want it to be something other than what it IS.

You want the best Father's love for your boys...of course you do, you are a mother who loves her children "To infinity and beyond! -- thats a little code between me and my youngest son since he grew up with Toy Story. --

But you can't control it and you can't fix it.

Do you know how I define addiction?

When the object of obsession becomes the primary relationship - interfering with normal, healthy social and family obligations and relationships.

Your husband has become obsessed...either with RT or himself...either which has basically disconnected him from you and the boys.

You can't fix this disconnection. All you can do is teach your boys how to cope with this loss and betrayal - and it IS loss for them, no matter what shiney cover story society spins on it.

Does he love his children? Yes. Does he love them the way you do by making them the priority in his life. No. Do they deserve better? Yes. Does he deserve them? Absolutely not. None of these things can be controlled or changed by you.

THIS is What Is. How It Should Be is something that you can not make happen all by yourself.

YOU have taken responsibility for your part in leaving every window, door and crack open for "How It Should Be".

That is how you love your children.

I won't say your husband does not love his children. I am sure that he cares for them. But the mature love of a father is willing to sacrifice for his children.

Today your husband is not that man.

I feel as if I am moving from being angry about it, to just being sad about it. Regretful, for the boys.

I know I can't change it...and I'm okay with that. I CAN do my best.

I've relieved myself of that burden.

But this was important for me to hear:
In a way, you gave me permission to believe myself. Do you know what I mean?

I'm not trusting myself yet. I don't always know the difference between what I believe (MY truth) and what is really true.

LS-
You know that he loves the kids... he loves them the only way that he knows how to. But he does, and your boys know that he loves them.

You love your kids too... It is hard sometimes, I know what you are saying about the drop off times and reconnecting. But from what I have seen, even with my younger kids, is that they just bounce back into 'our' routine. I try to do things with them, I try to raise them right, and WH raises them the way he wants to on his weekends.

But, the important thing that you need to know is this: the kids KNOW that BOTH of their parents love them. Even though you are not together. They know that you care. They know that you want them to be happy. And this IS important to a kid.

In time, they may resent your WH for leaving. They may not. But it is their choice.

Be happy that at least WH will spend time with them, and show them love. That is what your boys need the most: love from both of you.

You are doing fine, you are just coming to terms with everything in your own way. Just keep letting go of ALL of the blame. It was all not your fault.

You are a wonderful mom, and a strong lady. Do not forget that!

Sis - I just want to point out - not just for you but for others thinking about Plan B - that your posts have changed from daily reporting about every possible sighting of your husband and what he might be doing into a beautiful dialog about personal recovery.

This is what Plan B should look like.

My IC tells me that anger is easier--it's something active and lets us feel like we're *doing* something. The underlying emotion is usually sadness, but most people (especially men) aren't that good at experiencing sadness.

BR: I still have to gulp when I pass a cop car. But I only have to remind myself of all that I have learned and keep breathing and it will pass.

It is a daily thing. It is not like graduating, where you get a diploma and you are done; check it off the list. It's more like keeping the house picked up. You no sooner get all the rooms done that you have to go right back to the beginning.

It doesn't end. Keeping vigilant. Looking out for old behaviors. Reminding myself over and over of my worth, my value, trusting in what will be, letting go of my negativity about myself, looking for the joy in each day.

Hoping that it will become less of a conscious thing, and more ingrained?

SD: My IC says the same thing....anger is just cover for the pain and hurt. The sadness that I feel NOW about what the boys are missing, though, is different than the pain of that huge gaping wound.

This is more like a bittersweet pain. I'm just so sad for the boys that they will miss out on what they COULD have had. When I think too far about that (going down the "should be" road) then I do get angry, but that's unproductive....so I just don't go there. I stay on the "what IS" road.

What IS = pain/sadness/hurt (internal focus)
What SHOULD BE = anger (external focus)

So yeah...I can totally see how anger is like "doing" something.

Think about how you stub your toe and you curse the coffee table (or better yet, whoever put the dam coffee table there in the first place). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yelling at the coffee table is (as you put it) about as effective as yelling at a fire hydrant, when REALLY...your toe just hurts really badly.

Everyone say DUH! We all learned about displacement in high school psych, LS!

**
Fun plans for the weekend. Turns out all you have to do is tell people you need something to do and the invitations roll right in. Who knew? Tonight a bunch of us are going to a drive in...how fun does that sound? Tomorrow dinner and a movie with a friend from work. We are going to see Stardust. I got another invite to go to someone's cottage. Other than that, the dog will keep me company as I clean house, mow the grass, do laundry....yay.

At this point in my recovery, if I feel like yelling at the coffee table, I do. If I have some really nasty thoughts about the SCQ (I've been having the same thoughts about how she doesn't deserve children as great as ours), I write it in a letter. Or vent it to someone.

Sounds like you have a great weekend planned. Enjoy it!

Got a little confession to make.

Maybe this line of thinking was precipitated by the fact that I dreamed of WH last night. Maybe it's because the kids aren't here and I feel alone, and acutely feel the absence of my family. Busy or not, no matter how much fun I have, I still come home to an empty house and wake up to an empty kitchen.

(Granted, the dog is here--along with an alarming amout of dog hair that seems to multiply hourly--but still.)

So I confess: I still have hope.

Maybe it's not so much hope, though, as just wishing the whole deal never happened. If it were hope, I don't even know what I'm hoping FOR. It's just that sense of loss...maybe it's just hope that the hole inside me will be filled, that there would be someone else who could be a part of my life.

The correct answer: I need to fill that hole with myself, and the relationship I need is with God.

No offense to God, but that just seems lonely.

It's this being alone, the QUIET that shines a light on my solitariness. And I know that it's just NOW that seems quiet and lonely. But it is really hard to not look ahead and be fearful that the rest of my life will be JUST LIKE THIS.

Not only is that an assumption, but it's a pretty stupid one at that.

So it's probably not hope that my marriage will recover. I don't see how WH and I could ever work our way back together. God would have to work some REAL miracles in both of us. So I don't really dwell on that anymore.

Maybe it's a good hope, then: a hope that I'll be happy again...happy in a deeper way. The happiness I have now seems--how to articulate this?--not superficial, but not deep in my soul, either. Maybe it's because the wounds were so deep, and they are still healing.

Don't know if this made sense to anyone. Lots of rambling! It just helps to put my feelings into words sometimes, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone.

LilSis,

It's funny how our roads are very similar....I too dreamed of Wh the other night. It hit me full force in the morning. Maybe it was seeing him when we moved DD20 into her college apartment. It went very well actually.

Yesterday I was upset at God....why it's not fair that he has someone and I have no one. I really miss the human contact with someone at night and during the day. And I prayed really hard that I not be alone.

I don't want the person who my WH is right now.... and I wonder if he ever was the person I thought he was, Was I that blinded all these years.

Right now Logan is sleeping on my shoulders. I love this kitten. It's just not the same.

When is it going to be our turn? Okay enough of my pity party for one.

Still

But it is really hard to not look ahead and be fearful that the rest of my life will be JUST LIKE THIS.

It won't. It's pretty simple, really. You are in limbo right now, which will not last forever. You choose this limbo, for now. YOu have choices, this is one. When it is time to move forward/on, you will know, and you will do so.

Sis, you are a bright, warm, loving, beautiful woman. You are going to go through personal recovery, and be happy, all by your lonesome, without anybody around. Your life will then be ENHANCED by those you allow to grace it.

Nope, this is not a forever thing, it's most assuredly temporary, UNLESS you decide to keep it this way, husband or no.

your post makes perfect sense to me Lilsis... and I can tell you having walked that path before that things will get better....so much better.

you will hear yourself laugh...really laugh one day...and although the sound may catch you by surprise at first...it will signal in the new life that has emerged from the rubble that took over for more than a little while. At least that is how things happened for me....and I know others that have walked this road with similar experiences too.

I have no doubt that you will have a happy and wonderfully fulfilling life.

As I said, it is a stupid assumption to make. Life is all about change...I know this; I've experienced this.

I know intellectually that, of course, my life won't be just like this forever.

That fear creeps back in sometimes, and get its claws in. It's up to me to carefully remove those claws. Remember that I am strong and can do this, that there is a plan, that I need to let life unfold as God intends. I am okay, I must have faith. Right now, it is a beautiful day and I have much to be grateful for.

I read Aug. 17 and 18.

Hi Guys. First Day of School.

I got triggered yesterday, struggled with my emotions for a while, then recovered and ended up having a nice evening. The triggers don't send me for quite as big a loop as they have in the past.

I got an email from WH yesterday AM. Stupidly, I opened it. I'm not sure why he emailed me directly instead of LK, or even my sister, who as also served in that role from time to time when LK is out of town or the issue warrants it.

He informed me that he would be picking up the kids on Weds. and keeping them overnight, and would be doing so every other week. On the other weeks, he would have them on Monday nights.

This was not a request, or a suggestion....it was "I will be" doing thus and so. No "Hi Sis," no "thanks."

Last year, he picked the kids up and returned them at 8:30 p.m. This worked fine from my perspective....much more consistency, and the morning routine is sustained for the boys. Him having them overnight would be a pain for everyone involved....logistically, it would cause problems for the boys and I with stuff coming to and from school, projects, etc.

Even though mornings are sometimes nightmarish when the kids lollygag, we have a routine, it works, everyone knows what to expect. Consistency.

I'm not sure why the extra half-hour before bed and the hour or so in the morning would be such quality time for WH. DS11 has to be at school at 7:20.

Anyway, since LK was unavailable, I called my sister. We reviewed it all, and she agreed to call WH and get a reprieve for this week (chaos on the first week of school and all) and I could call my attorney first thing this morning. This is one of the issues up for negotiation in the settlement, and the settlement conference is Sept. 27.

She called me later in the afternoon and WH had agreed to hold off until after the settlement conference ("to avoid putting you in the middle of this, BigSis" as if he's being supremely patient and generous).

So that all worked out fine. I'm still calling my attorney first thing. If WH wants more time with the kids, I'm all for it, but not overnights on school nights, especially when it changes week to week.

The kicker...the thing that still has me very troubled...is that WH also remarked to BigSis that he had spoken to my neighbor (!!!!) who told him that I had a meeting on Weds. AM and that my mom was coming to take DS9 to school. WH told BigSis that he wished I had called him and that HE would be getting the kids that morning.

I tried calling neighbor yesterday...I am REALLY worried and bothered by this. I confide in her a great deal, and I cannot for the life of me understand WHY she would be talking to WH in such detail about my schedule and what's going on in my life. I simply can't come up with an explanation for it. Even if I didn't consider her a good friend, it falls into the MYOB category.

It's just none of WH's business what arrangements I make for getting the kids to school on my days when I have to make special accomodations. Why she would choose to share that info with him, and under what circumstances, I can't understand.

It really makes me worry what ELSE she said to him. I was not even aware that they were speaking. She knows how careful I am about who I confide in.

I may have to establish a boundary, because I need to be able to trust the people around me. This is taking care of ME.

Anyway, I'm going to call her later today to find out what went on with that. Could be that it was innocent, but if she accidently reveals stuff she shouldn't, I need to know that, too.

**

SO...BIL had taken the boys on a hike with his boys late in the afternoon. SIL, the baby and I met up with them later at the park and had a cookout. It was really nice and we had a great time I sincerely enjoy their company! The boys had a wonderful time, also, with their cousins. (It was reassuring to hear SIL talk about how dysfunctional she thinks the whole situation with WH and ILs is. She is just baffled.)

I've been thinking a lot lately that I will be relieved when the ink is dry and I feel like I don't have to watch every word or limit my relationships with people because there is so much up in the air. I want to be able to enjoy my life and those around me without fear that something will come back to haunt me. It gets tiring to feel as if everything is up in the air all the time. The "unknown" sort of looms out there right now.

On the other hand, when the ink is dry then WH will be able to take the kids around RT, which makes my stomach turn.

And I'll be divorced. Which I don't think about often...that a marriage will have ended....vows broken...a once sacred relationship severed...the boys intact family gone.

I don't go there. I live for today. Or try to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We're in similar places, Sis. A lot of what you're saying resonates with me.

I think I would try not to worry too much about what your neighbor told him--don't make such a big deal out of it that you affect your relationship with the neighbor. And keep in mind that she may continue to talk with him no matter what she tells you.

Take a step back. Is there anything of serious importance you might have told your neighbor that you really don't want him to know? Does it really matter, or is your reaction a knee-jerk one? Maybe it's not such a bad thing that he's talking to the neighbor. It's a sign he's interested in you.

I don't know the answer here. I'm just trying to get you to consider it a little more before ACTING.

(((Sis)))

No, I won't ACT. But I do want to tell her that I understand she shared this information with WH, and ask how this came about, because I hadn't expected that he would have heard that from her.

There may be a simple explanation....heck, for all I know, she had too much to drink one night and WH happened to call.

I would like to understand what happened before I make assumptions....it's just so odd...???

I'm trying to think if I may have said anything else to her that might be harmful to my legal position....I don't know. Who KNOWS what might be found to be significant at some point.

Yuck. As I said, I won't miss having to feel all cloak and dagger.

Just trying to explore the other side here, or maybe I've been listening to BR too much.

You're still bristling. If you talk to your neighbor while still bristling, your neighbor may pick up the inference that she has done something wrong. Maybe she will see it your way and alter her behavior, but maybe she'll get defensive/offended, and maybe next time she talks to WH she'll let something slip like "but you didn't hear it from me, because Sis totally freaked out last time she found out I talked to you."


I think someone told me that we want to understand situations so that we can control them.

Relax. Take some deep breaths. Does it really matter?

And thanks for the excellent advice over on my thread.