LMAO...i so agree...a friend of mine pointed out last night that POWS is seeing two OW right now and she said that it was funny that it takes two of them to make one of me...I laughed b/c he's still not getting all of his needed met...no one to pay the bills on time! LMAO

So, if you do get down about it, look at it in that light...see how many that they go through and think, he still hasn't found someone that can take care of him like "I" DID! What a lose for them! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm in the same boat, it doesn't bother me that he's seeing OW...it's more sad to me that he's ignoring his kids and not meeting his responsiblities!

I think they are necessary, otherwise the feelings will accumulate and make you nuts. Like you said--writing them down and talking about them here is also important. I think you have to let yourself feel the feelings. October 17. The other day in some empty moments, the conversation was going on in my head, and I was coming up with really awful, hurtful (true) things to tell the SCQ. And fantasizing about writing a letter to POSOM's daughters (age 2 and 4) telling them all about their father and then giving it to POSOM instead. Stuff I would never do but need to process the feelings. Time to write another eviscerating letter that I'll never send.

Glad you're feeling strong. Thanks for checking in and sharing your thoughts.

Sis,

I guess I missed that edition of Time. I might look for it. Don't get much time for reading - my workload with patients and reports, etc. has been pretty high of late.

Hey, you know it isn't only with marriages that don't get back together that the pity parties happen. Even those of us who manage to piece it back together sometimes find ourselves sitting on the backporch swing staring at the waves in the pool trying to hold back the tears of pain. No reason or trigger particularly, just sometimes the surges rise up inside and tears well up and fall. So, I do know what you mean.

We all do, here-abouts.

Then I remember that we can wake up happy for no reason some mornings. Just absolutely no reason, we wake up, and there we are, feeling pretty good about stuff. Happy, joyous even. I read something that made the point that this tells us that happiness is intrinsic - it doesn't necessarily depend on external forces - that happiness simply "is" within us, and we can choose that place to be.

So when those tears come, and I find myself staring at the waves in the pool, and I'm sitting on the backporch swing feeling that welling up inside of me, I'm now trying to do something different.

I'm starting to search for those mornings when I wake up happy. What that feels like. Because I have those mornings, and I can choose that feeling instead.

It is working for me. I have realized I really CAN choose to stake my claim to happiness.

But for certain, it is one claim that is hard-earned.

SB

Must have been channeling me, sd. Today for lunch, three of us went out to an actual cloth napkin kind of place. We were starved and were sick of the usual soup, sandwich, salad eaten at the desk kind of place.

As we were walking out, I passed RT's XH. He was with a group, and I just sort of gave the obligatory nod; he said hi.

I surprised myself by having very little emotional reaction...we walked right back to the office and were involved in a conversation. It wasn't until later when I was driving to kid pick-up that I started mulling it over.

I haven't seen him since pre-d-day, although I talked to him a few times...not in about a year, though. I realized that I felt angry at him for bailing out on his marriage so quickly....leaving RT "available." (He filed for D about a week after d-day)

I was just feeling angry....sort of a generalized anger. By the time I picked up DS9 and we started doing our thing, I was done with the mulling. So it was pretty fleeting, and wasn't that big a deal.

It strikes me that the only thing that really gets to me pretty routinely is when DS11 brings up his dad...like dad is planning to buy a house, or dad wants to buy a Jeep, or dad's going to bring us here or there. I have a hard time not inquiring more.

It makes me feel part angry, part sad, part jealous! I don't really feel the sense of envy of WH's relationship with RT, but I do envy that he has this time with the boys; these experiences with the boys....that I miss out on.

Anyway, I'm wiped out. Getting back on this school schedule has been rough. Maybe I'm getting old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SB: I've had those mornings! I've even thought at the time that I wish I knew what it was--maybe I slept in exactly the right position or had a piece of chocolate at precisely the right time the night before. Whatever it is, I wish I could bottle it up!

I always figured it was hormonal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess I feel okay about the pity party on the swing...in my case watching the trees blowing in the breeze. Those moments are few and far between enough that I figure it's a release, and it needs to be let out...and that I can let it out without fearing that I will be consumed by it.

So....you've said before that people do not change their core "self;" that ultimately the person will revert back. What are the odds on that? There must be a certain percentage that don't...

Sis, I would not be surprised to hear that your WH feels this way about you and your relationship with the boys. This is part of HIS consequence for HIS actions. You have far more interaction and say so now when it comes to the boys. And when they're grown, I'd bet dollars to donuts it's you that they remember sticking by them when it counted... and calling you blessed.

short, controlled pity parties are good for the soul.

Get it out of your head, release it, and move on with your day. You are doing really well at this.

I am reading the book. It really helps with the feelings.

I was still feeling a lot of sadness this morning. So much loss. I KNOW that when I look back, the sadness comes...it just does. There's so much sorrow in the past, so much that is scary back there. Sometimes it's hard to pull my eyes away from that....like looking at a car wreck on the side of the road.

Sometimes I feel DOWN (hormonally driven, I think), and I lack the energy or fortitude to pull my eyes away and look to the now and to the future, which has much to offer. So I try to look at just one thing that I know I will do today, and try to focus on that. But it is WORK. It really is.

I did something that I was proud of today.

For those of you who have been around a while, you might remember that I have to complete 40 hrs or community service. I have been avoiding going down to the office that handles this. I am so busy, and I was afraid of facing those people, and facing that whole ugliness again. It makes me remember it. And it makes me feel the way I felt then...less than human. A criminal.

So as I was thinking about it this morning, I was getting panicky. (along with the sadness, yuck)

But I did it. I went there first thing....I decided that if I went to my office first (which is right across the street) that I would put it off again. And it would still be hanging over my head.

Turns out the woman was very nice. She was very understanding, and was open to an issue that I have regarding work that makes this a bit of a challenge.

It won't be fun, but it won't be as bad as I had feared.

So I faced a fear today, guys. And it wasn't as bad as I envisioned.

The sadness...still there a little. On my way into the CS office, I ran into one of WH's former supervisors. He was so kind....he's so brokenhearted about WH. He thought the world of him. I teared up, talking to him...told him how much WH had thought of him, too.

I'm smiling for you, Sis, and happy that you're doing as well as you are. Great job of facing it.

LilSis:

Where you going for the community service?

LG

A faith-based outreach center for low income folks. Food pantry, clothes, thrift shop that's run by a cooperative of churches. A friend of mine volunteers there regularly with her kids, so I'm hoping the the boys and I can do some work there together...stocking the food pantry and sorting clothes.

Had an appt. with IC today. He seems to think I'm doing really well.

It's a weekend alone, and my one set of plans fell through. I was going to watch tomorrow's not-so-big-anymore game with a friend's family, but her dad just went into the hospital. I should call someone else and see who's up for something...maybe shopping. I feel the impulse to buy clothes for fall.

I feel a little like a leech...always tagging along and asking people to do things with me. I always bring wine; does that make it okay?

Sis,

The core is the core. We know who we are deep within, and the self remains there for the self to know, forever.

We add to it, but we can never subtract. Can't suppress things, either. ADD. If we want to change who we are, deep inside, we can always add facets to ourselves. But the deep core, that's always going to be US. But yes, you can change, sure. Ready to do that? Belly up to the bar, because you have to work every day, consciously, and mean business.

Does that make sense?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that to really change the core of who we are takes Herculean effort - conscious, daily effort. Most folks just trucking along in daily life (like your WH) just don't do that.

When I talk of the core, I'm talking about the foundation of who we consider ourselves to be. Sure, we can change our reaction patterns to things in our lives. Take for instance, how you are changing how you react to the triggers and pokes your WH tries to volley your way. You definitely have changed your reaction. You've changed how you deal with the pain. You've changed how you think about your future.

But your core, the foundation of your self, that hasn't changed too much. The world around you changed, and you have added facets to your self. But deep down, you remain "LilSis". That sense of who you are, if you were to meet someone from twenty years ago, they would recognize those fundamentals that make "you" you.

They would see changes, too, of course. But the core, the sense of Sis, would be there. Because you remain you.

WH has changed his behavior, and people see that. He has disappointed others. People say, "he's changed". But his core? It remains. He is still who he is, and would tell you that, deep inside, he knows that foundation remains.

It is an interesting thing here. Ultimately, those facets will reemerge - despite his attempts to "change". In this case, "change" for him is really an attempt at the suppression of prior behaviors and ideas, an attempt at the suppression of parts of the core that do not "agree" with the current desired behavior. This suppression is NOT a real change - and is not typically held onto for long.

Another attempt at "change" in people is to change external factors - such as moving, finding a different job, a new wife/husband - and this can be done to "change" the core. Not successful either, as nothing is really added to the self.

Again, to make changes to oneself, you can only add to the core, not subtract. You also can't just suppress. It's not like you can just pretend something isn't there that is. You need to be able to teach yourself a new way to behave - and it TAKES WORK. Daily, hard, work.

This is why, although affair partners believe in their hearts that they can start anew with someone else and have a totally different relationship, they bring the SAME problems to the new marriage.

Because the core does not change (they haven't changed!) and they ultimately slip back into being their real selves. The one they tried to suppress, or move/trade-in.

In the case of people who actually work on themselves, the changes to the self are made

because they ADDED good to the self.

And the core is built upon.

I suppose one might think that the core could be built in a negative direction, musing here......

I don't know, that would give you

Guilt
Turmoil
Anxiety

And this is exactly what I'm talking about. If you try to add something that goes against who you really are, in your core, then, that person DOES recognize, deep within, that there are problems with their own behavior. Again, you can add, but not subtract. That knowlege of what came before, the "good man", will always be there. So you could, conceivably, try to add bad qualities to your core, but I'm not so sure they would be accepted unless there was some sort of complete breakdown in the system, really. There's just too much in a person that would fight that - we have to believe in ourselves, and "know" we are good. We can accept "mistakes" (hence justifications and rationalizations, however illogical). We always seek to understand ourselves, seek balance, self-acceptance. Our core selves tells us who we are, and this is how we "know" who we are.

You also need to know that I am a believer in the basic good of mankind. That we get along because we realized, intellectually, that one of the ways to survive was to be able to negotiate for the good of the community, the self, and the family. I do believe the research supports this, especially the research in the emergence of language and society.

(Also, BTW, in my ideas about the "core" of people, I'm talking about folks with "normal" psyche here. Not insane folks. Regular, run of the mill folks. Like me.)

I guess your question made me think a bunch tonight.

I think a lot about thinking. Metacognition. I do this all day, and then I come home and do it for fun on the Internet.

People tell me I'm a nerd.

I'm going to work on Monday, and tell them that I'm not a nerd. I'm working on my core, trying to add facets. I'm going to tell them to leave me alone, because there might be another book in this.

SB

It's great to see that you're doing so well Sis.

I use to feel so insecure about having to ask friends if they wanted to hang out or make plans...until I found out that most of my friends felt the same way! They would tell me that they thought I had plans already and that they were happy when I called to do something with them....You are growing as a person, reaching out to others and you are even bringing the wine! way to go <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

SB, I need to read and re-read what you wrote.

Right now, I'm feeling very scared and sad.

I know I should feel the feelings, but I'm afraid to.

It is so quiet in the house without the boys, and I miss my family! I MISS MY FAMILY! I miss being together. I hate being alone. I do feel alone. I want to be a part of something whole.

I am afraid to allow myself to feel the depth of it. What if it consumes me again?

As I was standing by the coffeemaker, waiting for it to finish, I prayed; asking God to take it away from me, giving it to him. Asking him to send me something today to remind me that it will be okay. Then, as I was pouring my coffeemate into my coffee, the expiration date jumped out at me: my anniversary.

I felt defeated. That's not what I wanted, God. I mean, I know that he didn't put the date on the creamer, but it just seemed sort of a cruel joke.

Now I'm going to go read the book, and try to remember that I do not have tgo be afraid of my feelings; I can feel them and let them go. That I am okay. That there's a plan for me.

I'm trying.

Victims worry about emotions consuming them.

You can only volunteer for this consuming stuff.

Your fear is showing you a big giant boogie man in the dark.

Turn on the lights and you'll see its just a jacket thrown over the back of a chair.

I know this, intellectually. I know that I won't end up where I was a year ago....adrift on an ice floe in the midst of a freezing pitch black foggy ocean.

But that was a scary, scary place. And even thinking about it...looking at it...scares me. I was really there! And yes, I made it out, but that scary dark ocean didn't just evaporate. It's still there. I just escaped it.

And only by the skin of my teeth.

I'm trying to decide if this fear is something that I need to pay attention to, because it's trying to tell me something...or if it's just the old boogie man.

Maybe what I SHOULD pay attention to is that I DID escape it. Even if it was only by the skin of my teeth. I did it, and could do it again, if need be.

I think this is what my IC would say.

And the "if need be" is just looking for trouble. TODAY...I am not on that ice floe.

THIS is it...you got it.

A huge part of my recovery came when I realized that YES, I could be betrayed or hurt again, by my husband or someonelse....but that I *knew* what to do about it this time.

I know what to do if it happens again and I know I'll be ok.

That's called trusting yourself.

As long as you stayed stuck behind your army of people protecting you...you were never going to get this.

I'm glad to see you getting there!

Even though I know that I made it through once and could do it again....the thought of HAVING to do it again scares me. I came so close to NOT making it.

Did I tap out my resources (in which case I'm done for), or have I acquired new ones (in which case I'll survive)?

I made it last time because I didn't feel I had a choice. I had to do what I had to do. I had to care for the boys. I had to go to work. I had to survive. I had to function, even if it was barely functioning.

Is that enough to get me through it again?

In order to trust myself, I feel as if I need to know that there's something MORE there than just a survival instinct. Because once you get to the point of acting purely out of the instinct to survive, it's pretty desperate. It's a hairsbreadth away from not making it.

And I never could have done it without an army of people propping me up. Family, friends, IC, MBers, co-workers, even the girls in jail...

So you see? I have some doubt about myself. I didn't do this alone, and I didn't do it very well. So although I say I could do it again, there's a lot of fine print underneath that statement.

Long story short, when I say "I could do it again," I gulp REALLY hard, cross all my fingers and toes, say a few Hail Marys, and search desperately for a four-leaf-clover.

Clearly I'm not THERE yet.

Sis,

You will be able to handle similar situations IF they were to occur in the future.

Because you have not tried to suppress this situation.
You have not tried to move away from it.

You have faced it, and added something to your core.

You have added facets to the person you are. Consciously, by working at it every single day.

Therefore, your sense of who you are has grown. There is more to you, now.

You are stronger. You have more skills for handling crises.

Take a look at your earliest posts, if you do not believe this.


Just because you woke up with fear today does not mean that you have subtracted from the core. It only means you had fear today. That is all. It does not mean anything more than that.

It is part of the ride.

It too, shall pass.


The work you have done to yourself, however, is more enduring than a fleeting mood. Ask yourself this question:

Do I sense a deep change within me?

You will know if that sense of self has changed. Therein lies the answer.

The fear you have is just momentary now, isn't it? Fear and love, those are the basics. Mostly, if you are not coming from one, you are coming from the other. Figure out which it is, and then try to move toward love. In the case of trust in yourself, give yourself a break, for crying out loud. Sometimes we offer more leniency to a stranger on the street, more benefit of the doubt to someone we never even met, than we do to ourselves. Why?

You deserve to trust yourself. You KNOW you are trying. You KNOW you have come a long way. You KNOW you are in the pocket of the Lord.

So rest on that, and let it be. Find peace with just "being" for a moment, at least once a day. Try not to feed the beast, because all it does is grow. Feed instead the light, the happiness, the good things you want and need to feel. Choose those instead. If you have to, force yourself to do it.

Yes, it is okay to feel sad, sorrowful, and the rest of the down things. But like you said, you then have to "release" them too. I like that you are moving to that stage. The releasing part. It is good for your soul.

SB

SB: I never responded to your words, although I spent a good deal of time on Sunday contemplating them. It was sort of a rough day. I just took care of myself. Went to Mass, read the Bible, took a nap in the sun. Went grocery shopping (yes, on Sunday) Then tidied up my house.

I do know it is harder for me when the boys are gone. I feel empty.

I just loved the connection you made between your earlier post about the "core" and how I have added to my core.

Do I sense a deep change within me? YES!!!!

But I AM still ME. I understand exactly what you are saying, and your description nails it....and I never could have articulated it so well, with such context.

So. I don't have so much to fear. I DO know that I have resources and strength that I lacked before. I don't know how I could draw upon those, however, and not feel afraid. Even if the fear is not of complete melt-down; just the thought of being SO LOW, and facing that pain.

It would take courage...because I know how devastating it can be. But I would do it anyway.

About WH: I wonder if he is the one you muse about....who can add negatives to the core. In terms of being determined and bellying up to the bar to make those changes...well, that sort of applies to him. He seems so remarkably determined to be someone other than who I (and others) perceived him to be.

There must be "conscious, daily effort" on his part to accomplish this....even if it IS adding negatives to his core.

I hadn't gone to Mass in a while. The readings this week were about the lost sheep, the lost coin, and Moses begging God to spare his people when they worshiped the golden calf. The homily focused on how God works gently to bring his lost ones home; how he rejoices when sinners repent, how he loves us all as his beloved children....

It seemed so apt for what I was thinking and feeling that morning....almost like it was what God wanted me to hear.

It really made me think about the need to bless RT, too, as another of God's lost sheep.

That's gonna be a toughie. I can bless WH, I can pray persistently for him to be open to God working in him because I know the "good man." But RT? I don't know WHO she is...or what is truly at her core. All I know of her has been the evil, manipulative, lying person...even when I was not aware of it.

Anyway...I wonder about WH's core changing. I hope not. I really hope not. For the sake of the boys, I hope WH can someday (soon, because enough damage has been done) reclaim that core of a "good man," acknowledge and repent for what he has done, and make amends where he can.