Man, I missed out on some really great discussion. Just reading back over the last week, every couple of posts I wanted to add something, but it would be totally off topic now.

I'm right there with you for just about everything you said. The sense of loss for what was sacred and yours alone. The grudginess (there are times when I don't feel the grudge, but then I remember). Wanting to see remorse. The anxiety that comes from transfer days (triggering events).

I can understand why it is good to have a cordial, even friendly, co-parenting relationship with the WS/XS, and I can see why some people encourage it. I know that I will get there, but only after I am truly Done. I'm not there yet.

I think you're doing really well, Sis.

Thanks, sd. Good to have you back again.

Feeling a little better today. Going back to work, moving through my "to do" list, accomplishing things. Taking care of the details of life...arranging for the boys for Thursday when I'll be in court, talking to my attorney to prep for it. Trying to learn all I can about some of the issues that we need to address at that settlement conference.

Feeling...maybe it's capable? again. Or maybe I just like being in control. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (who, me?)

I'll try not to get too far ahead of myself. Just get through the week.

LS:

You are in control. Of yourself.

You are learning that you CAN'T contol things that maybe at one time you belived you could control.

Capable? Yes. You probably never stopped being that.

And in control? Only that which you can control.

You are giving away those things that you can not control.

That's a good thing.

And there is an auction for a used woodchipper going on around here if you would like some MORE control.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LG

Could you be feeling comfortable b/c you ahve handed it over to God and have faith that he will take care of everything for you?

I ask because that's where I was at teh end, b/f we went to court...I have faith that only God could to for me...what I couldn't do for myself...

It was a calm feeling...comforting...trusting...knowing that I had done everything I could to get to that point...

Just asking?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You sound great and thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting to me in the last few days...I appreciate you and who you are!!

Could be, Rin. Could be, too, that I now have some confidence in my own abilities...or maybe that's the same thing? For so long I felt that I was just barely keeping my head above water. Now I feel like I'm doggy paddling, at least.

I've made it through some really awful stuff, and I've made it through. Making sure--reminding myself--that it was God who got me through is what I need to keep in mind.

Tomorrow is court. The last opportunity for a settlement before we have to go to trial. I've been in touch with my attorney so I know that we are on the same page. I'm not asking for anything outrageous or out-of-line. Since this is a no-fault state, everything has to be equitable, so I don't have much leeway. I'm just hoping that the fact that there is "fault" tips the scales in my direction on issues in which there is a difference of opinion (read: pension. Are you listening LG???)

I am in a good place....not the anxiety-ridden mess I was last time around, on Aug. 2.

I had a huge, huge event today at work that I have spent six weeks pulling rabbits out of hats to make happen. I was dealing with several bureaucracies (sp?) and nearly 1000 elementary school kids and three different schools. It was a huge deal.

It went off today without a hitch and everyone was delighted. I thought it went well, but to those who hadn't been involved in all the planning thought it was fabulous. That felt great.

My new iMac came today, too...a couple of days earlier than I had expected. This new 20 inch screen is huge and the whole thing is beautiful.

Then, I brought DS9 to get his haircut. The owner of the salon is an older Greek gentleman, and he was joking with DS9 about how many girlfriends he had. DS9 said he didn't have any girlfriends, and the man pretended to be so very shocked; "What?! No girlfriends? I thought you'd have six!" From where I was waiting, I said, "That's okay, I'm the only woman in his life." We all laughed.

Then the man said to me (in this cool Greek accent), "You are beautiful. Just gorgeous."

The flattery felt very nice, even though it came from this 60-some year old man.

So three good things happened today. At LEAST three. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope all this holds through tomorrow. Court's at 3:00...

Congratulations on a good day, Sis. Here's hoping tomorrow is more of the same.

(((Sis)))

LilSis,

I will be praying for you tomorrow, hope everything goes well.

Right now I don't know where my divorce is headed. WH attorney just got appointed as a judge! So my attorney has no idea who is repersenting him. Could explain why his attorney hasn't responded to anything in the last 2 months. WH must be in contempt?

Still

Getting nervous....

For no reason in particular. Little less than 2.5 hrs. Gulp.

breathe..you will be fine Lilsis....you have come so far....although the destination is not what you had hoped for...your life will continue to get better with each step that is put behind you. You are a good and strong woman and mother.

A hearing today? Piece of cake. You'll be fine. After everything you've been through? You ARE strong. You ARE worthy. You ARE loved. You ARE beautiful. And don't you forget it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rob Schneider: You Can Do Eeeet!

What else am I going to say?

LilSis

You are stronger than you probably feel right now. Nothing but good thoughts and prayers headed you're way.

It's in God's hands, and what better place than that to be.

(((hugs)))

Still

Hey, Sis!

Been following your thread for a while now, first time to post! You are doing awesome, and I hope everything works out for the best. I got this message in an e-mail today, and I think this sums it all up:

'I asked God, 'How do I get the best out of life?' God said, 'Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear!''

Flyrec73

"Why Be Normal?!"

Hi Flyrec. Good advice. That God's a smart one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Turns out the judge was sick today, so nothing much got resolved, except for the fact that I got a new "offer" to consider. A little closer to where we want to be, but not there yet. I am meeting with my attorney on Monday morning and we will hammer out a counter offer...then see where it goes from there.

The trial date (Oct. 8) has already been postponed. Instead, the attorneys will use that time for a final settlement conference, and another trial date (probably 2 months or so) will be set.

However, it won't go that long. We will probably reach some kind of settlement in the next week or so. And my marriage will officially be over.

Apparently WH wants to get this settled as he has a nasty case of the "guilties" (according to my attorney). I'm not sure what settling on a divorce will do for WH in terms of asuaging the "guilties," but whatever....

Different coping mechanisms for different folks. Denial, displacement, avoidance, cognitive dissonance reduction...you pick it. I guess when you've done something truly awful and really horrible, it is far preferrable to use any of these coping mechanisms than to actually face what you've done, or recognize the hurt you've inflicted on people who love you....on your own family.

I'm wiped. Two busy days with a lot of emotion.

Tomorrow I have an appt. with IC. I am going to ask him about the relationship between compassion, respect, and pity. Does compassion minus respect equal pity? Is pity judging? I think I am struggling with how to feel about WH....

LilSis,

Just wanted to acknowledge your post. Don't know where everyone else is today (for myself, I just finished a major grant ap & got it in the mail, so I am celebrating with some goof-off time!)

If WH really does have a case of the "guilties", you could still drag this out as long as possible and see where things go. It doesn't sound like you want to do that anymore, though.

WH should know the timeline for finalizing the divorce. He could still put it on hold if he wanted to. Maybe he thinks it is too late. Maybe he doesn't want to & is moving full ahead with his A fantasy. Maybe he is just taking the path of least resistance.

Keep taking care of you (and the boys). God will take care of WH.

SHOL

LilSis, just saw your post about yesterday. Bummer about the Judge but I know that things have a way of turning out exactly like they're supposed to at times.

That's interesting about WH having the "guilties". What made your attorney think that? Interesting.

Hang in there girlfriend. You've almost crossed the finish line for this part of the race. We're rootin' for ya!

Hi everyone.

It's Friday night and I have a date with Jose Cuervo. I love the pre-mixed marguirita mix. Yum.

Just so that doesn't sound quite as pathetic as it truly is, I am using this time to get my beautiful new iMac up to speed, moving itunes and mail from the old one to the new one. It's nice to get it all set up without the boys salivating all over my shoulder, begging to have a turn at the 20 inch screen.

I spent much of today reviewing my financial options and coming up with a number of scenarios that I will go over with my attorney on Monday. I needed to educate myself about some of this stuff. I am feeling much more confident about it now. I am taking care of myself.

About the "guilties"....

As I said, settling the D won't do a thing for 'em, and I have a hard time believing that even WH is so fogged out as to believe that the guilties will go away upon signing a piece of paper.

I think my attorney was just repeating what WH's attorney said. It was probably just a ploy for sympathy...a pretty lame one at that...if WH were TRULY guilty, he would not be arguing over a couple hundred dollars here or there. He would be willing to concede much more than he is, if he felt responsible for the position he's put me in.

My attorney also mentioned that WH does NOT want to go to court. Maybe he doesn't want to get up on the stand and testify as to how he betrayed and abandoned his wife and children without attending a single MC session...?? About how he lied for two years...about what RT was referencing in the emails that I discovered on d-day...

Can't imagine why he'd want to miss the chance to do that in front of a room full of strangers.

After all, the relationship that he left us for was probably ordained by God and all...they ARE soulmates. He should want to proudly shout from the rooftops how he sacrificed everything for TRUE love!!! Isn't it just so romantic? Isn't he heroic?

Sorry...Jose must be making me just a tad bit catty. I'm laughing as I imagine it. Gotta find some humor sometimes.

Talking about pity/compassion/respect today, IC said that he believes that compassion is something you feel for someone who is suffering, and pity is very similar, but with a connotation that somehow the person is beneath you.

That fits for how I feel about WH. I feel compassion for any person who lives the way he does: alone, without integrity, away from his children, reputation destroyed. However...these are choices that he made and continues to make, nor does he take responsibility for them....thus I do not respect him.

So what I feel is closer to pity: I feel as if I have grown so much as a person...I am a richer human being for having gone through this experience.

(SB: I have ADDED to my core.) I am MORE.

On the other hand, WH is LESS. My IMPRESSION (yes, an assumption) is that he functions on a far more superficial level. To dig deeper would reveal the quivering mass of jelly. On the surface, everything is fine. He is confident in his choices. He knows exactly what he is doing, and it is for the best. This is the mask that he shows the world.

He USED to have integrity, honor, a fine reputation, a nice wife, beautiful children, a cozy house, a bountiful garden. Now he has none of that. He's living in his parent's basement, paying child support, is going to lose part of his retirement, and is still married, but dating a woman with three kids who left her lawyer husband for him and who slings coffee a couple of mornings a week.

What a mess his life has become. And he CHOSE it. I do pity that. It's not just compassion. He did this to himself, he continues to do it, and he refuses to take responsibilty for it.

What's sad is that he doesn't have to be LESS. There's MORE to WH than what we see now, but he can't or won't even look at the MORE of himself. He's so stubborn, or so afraid, that he doesn't acknowledge the MORE of himself. He HAS to stay at the superficial place, because then he doesn't really have to FEEL, doesn't have to SEE, doesn't have to KNOW.

It is so sad. It is pathetic (= pity?). It is a WASTE, for someone who was once so much MORE to be reduced to what he has become.

Maybe I am able to see the sadness of it now, and feel the sadness of it, because I have no need to try to fix it or control it. It's not mine anymore.

Sorry....babbling. Looks like the mail is done exporting. On to itunes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have a nice weekend, all.

Hey Sis!

Doesn't sound like you are having a pathetic night at all - - I am having a beverage with my friend "The Captain".

It's funny, the "guilites" of your WH are producing the same type of concessions my WH did during the same time frame in the D. Drac, too, was somewhat concilatory, but still "anxious" to get on with it and NOT go to trial. In these things, they certainly are 2 peas in a pod.

They are also soul brothers in all that you mention above. The fact that they are living as less than they have ability and capacity to be. It is sad.



FANTASTIC! Pat yourself on the back lady! What was that commercial that used to be on with the catch phrase,

"You've Come a Long Way Baby!"

Enjoy your weekend!

LilSis:

I think is time to go to court.

There is a certain snarkiness to doing that, It will cost more, and WH will squeal more, and the result will not necessarily come out better for you.

Just seeing H in the Dock with the ability to have your A ask him certain allowable questions, could be worth the price of admission.


What to do?

Go to court.
Just agreee and finish it. Seems like only minor differences exist right now. (we don't know the details, and don't really need to know)

Guess those are the choices.

Not much to choose from, huh?

However.....

Your WH did allow you to go to court.

He could have, with at most, ten to 15 words, have stopped your entire case, and allowed the case to go away, or go to the original plea bargain, with minimal repercussions to you.

He didn't.

Go to Court.

Make him sit in the chair.

Make him listen to YOUR victim statement.

Why are you letting him off the hook? He didn't for you.

No more waffling. No more "settlement conferences" No more make it easy on WH.

On Monday, let your Attorney know that only the judge can make the decision now.

Sorry.

That's the way I see it.

Your growth has been tremendous.

And he is lesser as a man then the one you married.

You going this route doesn't mean that you are a lesser person.

"You could have prevented this court date" says the WH....

Yes, he could have. BOTH of them.

But he didn't.

Choices, Choices, Choices.

((LS))

LG

Lilsis, I will disagree with LG. Get this over with as quickly as possible. If you can get most of what you were looking for...there is no point taking the risk of losing out in court just to make your H squirm.
Just do what you can to get this over with as quickly as possible and move on with your life.

Just my 2 cents.