Nice job thinking it through. Sometimes it's good to just think out loud a bit.

WONDERFUL!!!

Hey, sdguy038 - I'm an INTJ - pretty rare for a female.

The thing I like about the enneagram is it better explains the relationships between various personality combinations, and how we came to be the way we are. It also shows a continuum from "high functioning" to "low functioning" behaviors for each type. I can now better recognize when I am moving toward the lower functioning end and have concrete things to do to help me back to the high end. The 9types site actually has a list of "I now release..." and "I now affirm..." for each type.

One of the things on my "I now release..." list is "my dark and destructive fantasies". I always laugh when I read that one, because it is so true and I like them - it's hard to let them go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm a 5, BTW

Sis,

Just wanted to say Great work here today! Lots of good stuff.

I absolutely LOVE how you now start at one point, listen, think, and then explain where & how you are. You aren't the Old Sis who doubted herself at almost every turn. You are stronger, more insightful, more confident, less defensive,still learning, but acknowledging & understanding the growth & changes you have made and continue to make,,,,an Amazing Woman!

BIG Sis, now!!

Email from Big Sis this morning.

Apparently WH already recieved the offer. He contacted my sister twice yesterday (I guess he's decided to bypass LK altogether). Once by phone, wondering why I was so intent on taking a portion of "his" retirement fund (essentially a 401k).

Duh.

I told my sister that the short answer to that question would be that I prefer not to be eating cat food when I'm 70.

He then emailed her later about changing some auto-withdrawals that were coming out of various accounts. He's been paying for the newspaper subscription (auto-pay from his credit card). The paper arrives on my doorstep everyday...I know that he's paying for it...but it keeps showing up.

Meh. Who am I to upset the apple cart?

He suggested that I check into a "teaser rate" for new subscribers. How thoughtful!

BTW: four cops from the department got fired yesterday for "inappropriate conduct" while on duty. All were married. All were screwing around with THE SAME dispatcher (can you say YUCK!?!?).

The statement from the City Manager was PRICELESS: self-centered actions were embarassing, egregious errors in judgement, families have suffered, tarnished the image of the department, violated the values of the city: integrity, honesty, respect, competence, service, and family; erodes public trust in the PD...

I feel somewhat vindicated, even vicariously. (I doubt that WH sees any similarities between his behavior and that of those four cops. TOTALLY different. Soul mates and all. Not just skanky, inappropriate, abominable, adulterous s#x. He and RT are in LOOOVE.)

BTW...I read all about the case in the paper that arrived on my doorstep. (hee hee)

Good news: feeling okay. Not triggered!

Hey Big Sis!

WOW - what a shake up in the department! Glad it didn't trigger you. You are right, it is doubtful it will impact WH, but I can understand it would give you some feelings of vindication!! And YUCK is right!!

Don't be surprised at WH and the things like the paper. If you remember, Drac 'suddenly' decided it was time to turn off the satellite & phone service on me! I don't get it. I am not sure if it's a WS thing or a 'man' thing? Either way, it means nothing important in your life.


TOO Funny!
Water off a duck's back.

Have a GREAT weekend Sis!

Sis, that was wickedly funny!

I like what what you said about your feelings down the road. It's good to gain some perspective by recognizing the healing power of personal recovery and TIME.

Seems that it is more important to the PD that they publicly address fraternization than address ALL cases of inifidelity. Because of that little loophole, your WH won't even consider that HE is part of that club. Whatevs.

Everytime I hear an update on the story I think of you. Unfortunately, if this had not happened on the job I doubt they would have done a thing. Still, talk about exposure!!

Absolutely true. If it had not been a case in which there was clear evidence that it occurred in the building, on duty, and within the ranks, then it would have been swept under the rug.

I feel so badly for the families, now that the names of those involved have been released. Talk about public humiliation. Jail was bad, but at least it wasn't on the 6:00 news.

In WH's case...he was over at RT's house while on duty with startling frequency both before and after d-day, and hanging out at the coffee shop far longer than normal breaks would allow. You can't tell me that "nothing happened" while he was on duty. Even if there was no evidence that it did, it was (and is) highly improper.

I can just imagine the attorneys lining up to file wrongful termination lawsuits...given the culture at that snakepit. These guys were fired for what essentially "happens all the time" and results in little or no disciplinary action. The legal distinctions can't be all that far apart, and yet these guys (and worse, their families) lost everything.

Double standard?

I know (or did know) the head of the union quite well, and he was on TV last night. I hope he writes a long a scathing article in the next union newsletter about integrity. From what I know of him, I'll bet he's disgusted, and probably pi$$ed as he!! that he has to address this on TV.

Anyway...another day...no matter...not my problem. Makes for good gossip in the office this morning, though.

Pray for those families. They must be going through he!!.

Sis,

Could you fax me a copy of the write up about the terminated cops....I could really use for a case I have against OM and "whorehouse" err, I mean hospital that helped condone, cover, hide, encourage extramarital affairs among its brethren.

You could fax it to me at 775-370-1585 if you don't mind. I would appreciate it.

hi SIs - I'm still here. (INFP btw!)

What are you going to do when the divorce is final? The same thing you should be doing now. Focus on you, put your energy and your focus into building a wonderful life for yourself and your boys.

You are saying good bye, not to the husband, but to your own expectations and self-will. Acceptance will bring you peace and healing.

One more thing you might do with the energy.

There are 4 women out there in your community going through D-Day and probably feeling the same sense of isolation and humiliation you experienced and feeling horribly judged by the world.

Why not reach out to them quietly behind the scenes and offer your experience, strength and hope?

Sis,

and then send them to MB

where they can get support

understanding

advice

and hope

SB

It's a great idea. I'm not sure how I would get ahold of them, though. I have no more contacts at the PD (poof! vanished! surprise!), and most cop families are unlisted. If I did reach out, do you think I would be percieved as a stalker or something? Might be kind of awkward...??? Initially, anyway.

Court this AM. 9:00. My mom is coming to go along with me, just so I don't have to sit alone. Then I'm going to work. This is the first settlement conference in which WH has an offer from me to work from. (My attorney did a good job of pushing this to the 11th hour, as per my instructions.) So I expect that some progress will be made today. In the meantime, I am quickly getting in all my drs. appts. and getting new contacts. Don't know how much longer I will be covered under the Cadillac health plan that the union negotiated for.

Had a great weekend with the kids. I took them riding for the first time! I love riding; I used to go as a kid with my best friend, who had horses. WH and I never went, so this was a whole new experience for us as a family. The boys LOVED it. I asked them on a scale of 1-10 and it was a 10 for both of them.

Yesterday was also beautiful (80+ degrees in October?!?). Absolutely gorgeous.

I am sure that with a little creativity you could find them. Don't let them suffer alone.

God's blessing on your conference. Hold your head high.

Good news/bad news at court.

Good news is the judge sees my position favorably on the financial side of things.

Bad news is it appears that she favors WH having one overnight during the school week. I had offered plenty of flexibility during the summer and breaks, but he is insisting. Could be because of the reduction in CS that will occur...

Anyway, I HATE the idea of the boys' schedules being disrupted like that. Further, one week it would be Weds., the next week Monday, etc. So there's no routine there, either.

Sigh. It's not the end of the world, but it seems like a lose/lose. The kids get major disruption (it's not as if they get quality "dad" time while they are SLEEPING, for goodness sake), and I get less in CS.

Looks like the only one who benefits is WH. And the judge is going for it.

If he truly wants extra time with the kids, I'll negotiate, but overnights on school days are just pointless, IMO.

Lilsis, sorry that is not looking good for you. If your H was not a WS I would agree that he should have an overnight during the school week. It is not that big of a disruption, I know as I have done it...but all bets are off since he is a WS that really should get nada!
As far as CS, I am surprised at the reduction in CS. In my state it does not change unless the child spends 40% of the overnights with the non custodial parent.

Me, too! I was told the same by my lawyer; there would be no significant loss in the case of one overnight a week.

If you are going to be protected financially, that is a GREAT start. All things may change with time.

MEDC: I think it would be quite disruptive. There's always stuff going back and forth to school. SOMEONE has to be responsible. It's not something that can be turned off and turned on. It's a full time job.

What happens when something they need is at our house? And thinking ahead to winter...what if the weather changes unexpectedly (like that never happens)? Are we forever carting two sets of outdoor wear back and forth?

They get home presently at 8:30. What's the big deal about putting them to bed? DS11 has to leave for school at 7:15. We are not talking quality time here. We are talking breakfast, backpack packing, and teeth brushing.

The threshold here for change is CS is 128 overnights. This equates to two nights every other weekend, and one night per week...not even including vacations or breaks. And it is $400 less per month, if you can believe it.

The judge indicated she would split the difference: $200 less.

That's $200 less per MONTH. For four additional overnights. And THAT'S splitting the difference. Unbelieveable, huh?

It may not be relevant, but I don't believe that WH has a plan for this...he's still living at his folks. It's not as if the boys have a "room" there. And when/if WH leaves his parents, what then? They will be uprooted AGAIN? And what will those living arrangements be like? Will they be sharing rooms with RT's sons?

Seems like all of this should be factored in.

Wow....the money issue sucks.

I am only speaking from my experience in that it did not cause a disruption for my son or me. Those things just seem to work out. If for some reason, it will be different with you guys, hopefully you can work it out. I am very involved in my sons schooling and don't find that with the exception of helping him with homework each night that there is much ado about the things going back and forth.
Again, I hope you guys work it out. IMHO...if he cheated and left...he should be the odd man out here...but, the courts see the bigger picture of wanting parental involvement. It sounds like you have a good judge.

Two nights every other weekend and 1 night per week is 104 on's. It seems like you WH knew exactly what he was doing regarding support.