Aww Sis!

I understand your pain, sweetie and I am so, so sorry. Yet, at the same time, I am oh so proud of you.

I'm with BR and others,,, making him FACE you on the stand was the BEST thing you could do - for YOU. Both of you will always know that he could not look you in the eye. While you will continue to build your strength, grow and change,,,,,,,,,,,,he will continue to be the coward/failure and he knows it. Too bad for him.

It's day one of a new life for you. It doesn't have to involve anything dramatic or new or fancy,,,,live it for you and your boys and that will be the best.

Hang in there.

LilSis, a chapter has closed, and a new one is opening.

You've fought for your family like a tiger, and the effort will not go unrewarded.

Your life can only go upwards from here. xWH's can only go downwards, even if it appears the opposite to both of you right now.

It may take a long time to play out, but it will play out. As an example, one of my closest friends went through pretty much the same horror as you, over ten years ago. Two sons, a denied affair, and he left my friend amid accusations that the marriage had been grim for years. He married the OW (yes, she was an OW) and had two more sons. But last week he left the second wife and family for an eighteen year-old pupil at the school where he teaches. He was fired, and the scandal was plastered all over the papers. Now he's homeless, camping in his oldest son's apartment with the eighteen year-old and a couple of dogs. My friend says he's utterly broken and deeply depressed. His life is a mess.

But ten years ago, he convinced his family that the problems in the marriage were largely my friend's fault. They supported him through the separation and divorce. I'm guessing that they may regret that now?

Stay tough. It will get better.

TA

Hi Sis,

I have been out of town or I would have checked in earlier.

I do know your pain. It will hurt a lot for a few days just like the initial discovery but does get better day by day. Plan B has prepared you in so many ways.

You are not the same person you were at D-Day. You are stronger, wiser, more self-aware and more capable then you have ever been in your life. Right now, focus on the day by day, but believe me soon you will be looking out further and seeing new paths and goals for yourself.

You were amazing in your fight for your family and everyone will remember that. Your boys will remember that forever.

Don't dwell on XWH and how the karma bus needs to visit him. It may happen or it may not. It may happen and you will not know it. It is no longer yours to worry about.

You stayed true to your vows and your values to the very last moment of your marriage. I am very proud of you Sis.

Now it's time to see what's behind Door 2. I am betting it will be glorious.

(((((LilSis)))))

I understand missing your dad. I was much closer to my dad than I ever got to my mom. Thursday will be the 30th anniversary of my dad's death. For some reason it is weighing heavier on me this year than it has in a long time. Maybe because one of H's close friends is going through the testing process right now for a serious lung problem (probably cancer - not confirmed yet) and my dad died of lung cancer.

Anyway, the hugs I send to you today are for the hole in your heart left by your dad's passing.

SHOL

Sis you have handled yourself with dignity and grace. You can move forward with your integrity firmly in place. You can hold your head high and know in your heart that you were willing to stay the course.

As the days continue to go by the pain will eventually begin to subside. You gave it everything you had and have become a much stronger person.

At this point whatever happens with WH/RT is not really your problem. You are free of it. He made his bed and he has to lay in it. This was his choice not yours. It may take some time to adjust to the new reality, though in time you will find it much easier. ETA: Remember, there is a flip side to Karma, it's not only something that the Waywards have to look out for. When you do good deeds, and put positive energy into the universe you are rewarded for that. Look for the good Karma bus coming your way instead of paying attention to what may or may not be in store for the waywards. That was the best piece of advice I was given and I thought I should pass it on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Whatever you do, be kind to yourself. This is the begining of a new chapter for you. Good things do happen to good people. You are a genuinely a good person, and a great mother. Your happiness will come.

God bless you!

LilSis,

I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye - and I will probably still check in on rare occasions, but...

I don't remember why I was on MB the day I saw your first couple of posts and was drawn to your story. Now that you have come to the end of this chapter, I need to once again leave this site and go to the next chapter of my own. It's been almost 6 full years since my d-day, so it is definitely time to move one.

I wish only the best for you and your sons, which is exactly what you deserve.

SHOL

LilSis,

I haven't posted on your thread before, you've had some amazing people around you and with that sort of support you were plenty fine without me simply throwing in words of encouragement.

You did better than I ever will.. I only hope my outcome is as good as yours. Your trials and struggles through all of this have not only made you a stronger, better person than you probably even imagine now.. you've also inspired people like me, whose situation.. while not completely hopeless, is a steadily dying ember.

There's hope even for those whose marriage ends.. it is the hope of personal recovery, and you're well along that path. Don't view this as a setback.. think of it like the pangs that run through your shoulders after setting down a heavy load.. it's just the muscles relaxing all at once.. the pain will fade, even quicker than the soreness that set in over time of carrying such a heavy burden.

You'll do just fine Sis.. you and I will be the ones who emerge from this able to look ourselves in the mirror and be proud of the people we are. People like you and I will be the ones who will be able to explain our actions to our children down the road when they really want to know the answers to the questions that settle within them for the rest of their lives. We'll also be the people they come to when they want the correct answers and guidance when they face moral delemmas in their lives. We'll be the people able to stand before God and honestly be able to tell Him that we did the best we could do.. suffered nobly for our vows to Him and to our spouse.. and trusted in Him and His will to pull us through the fires that have tempered our hearts and souls, and made us stronger people for His purpose.

God bless you... we honestly are the fortunate ones.

Sis,

I wonder if perhaps his karma isn't that he marry RT after all. I can't imagine a more fitting return for their actions upon you and the boys - because, we all know the stats on affair marriages. To see their fantasy bubble pop in their faces, well, the karma bus indeed. But, the universe has its way of finishing stories like this for itself. Everything in its own time.

SB

SHOL: I will miss you, but am happy to hear you are moving on, too. I am fortunate that you happened upon my story and have stuck with me for so long. You never told me whether you were thinking 2 or 6, though... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

James: You seem to me to have such a healthy attitude about all of this. Even though you are in the depths of it, you recognize where you want to be and you are striving to get there. When I was where you are, I was a fumbling, bumbling mess. I had no idea which way was up.

SB: A co-worker said the same thing to me today. I passed RT on the way in again...I look straight ahead, but she stares as she passes (I see out of the corner of my eye). I still get this sick feeling in my gut when I see her.

My instant reaction...she WON. And I hate her for it.

Then the perspective returns, and I know she has won nothing. Rather, I have to REMIND myself that she has won nothing, and that I have, in fact, won. It does not yet come naturally, however, in the face of Evil. Evil whispers that I was not good enough.

About WXH marrying RT and the bubble bursting...I believe that he is SO stubborn, SO prideful, that he will endure ALL before admitting he made a mistake. Especially a mistake as big as this one. It would simply be too humiliating.

I know that I should not think of him at all, but I do deeply wish that I knew he would eventually recognize how he erred, and acknowledge that to me.

The thought that this is very UNlikely is something I am working to accept.....but boy would it feel good to KNOW that someday it would happen.

Just about EVERYONE says that someday, he will realize his horrible mistake....but I am not convinced.

Is THIS a matter of faith? Should I have faith that God will reach him, eventually?

That God won't stop looking for the lost coin, or the lost sheep, until He finds him?

That even if it doesn't happen for 20 years, that God will grace WH with Truth?

Would this be something in which I should just place my faith? (because then I feel like I could let it go; as I could believe that God will take care of it.)

Does this make a lick of sense?

BTW...
I asked a very good and religious friend to pray for RT on my behalf. It has bothered me that I cannot pray for this broken and awful woman who desperately needs God to intervene in her life. I go through my list of people every morning, and my little voice reminds me that I am forgetting someone. But for me to pray for RT would be so disingenuous and insincere. So I decided that I would turn this responsibility over to someone who has tremendous faith. My friend told me that it has been hard, but she is doing it for me. Now I can tell my little voice that someone else is taking care of it for me…how’s that for spiritual buck-passing?

I know that I should not think of him at all, but I do deeply wish that I knew he would eventually recognize how he erred, and acknowledge that to me.

The thought that this is very UNlikely is something I am working to accept.....but boy would it feel good to KNOW that someday it would happen.

Just about EVERYONE says that someday, he will realize his horrible mistake....but I am not convinced.

Is THIS a matter of faith? Should I have faith that God will reach him, eventually?

**********************************
That would be best.
I think IT'S healthiest way for you to deal with it. pray that you find the peace of mind to let it go....trust that God will take care of it HIs way.

glad you checked in. i have been worried about you.

Sis,

I am very recently in the same place with you on wanting the realization & acknowledgement of the big mistake/pain/suffering etc. that Drac caused. It feels pretty 'normal' to me.

And guess what, YES, giving it to God and trusting him to take care of that with WH is the way to go. It's working pretty well for me.

We BOTH know that nothing we ever do or say will bring that to fruition. It's between WH & God. And who the heck are we to question that? He is great enough to handle ANYTHING - so handling this issue with them is well within His realm and is exactly where we need to leave it.

{{Sis}}

Sis..

Not sure what denomination you are, but I found this today. It's the Catholic readings for October 25. I posted it on my thread too.. mostly because the third reading is -exactly- my sitch.. 2 against 3 and 3 against 2 in my house (or so that happens to be the way it is split now)

It sounds as if in many ways we are emotionally still in the same place.. so perhaps this will help answer your questions about God seeking His lost sheep.. and if God will ever reach your H... God reaches all of us in His time.

Take heart, and be the strong woman you know in your heart that you are.

Romans 6: 19 - 23
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19 I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once yielded your members to impurity and to greater and greater iniquity, so now yield your members to righteousness for sanctification.
20 When you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness.
21 But then what return did you get from the things of which you are now ashamed? The end of those things is death.
22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the return you get is sanctification and its end, eternal life.
23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. ------------------------------------------------------------------------


Psalms 1: 1 - 4, 6
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1 Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water, that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.
4 The wicked are not so, but are like chaff which the wind drives away.
6 for the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish. ------------------------------------------------------------------------


Luke 12: 49 - 53
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49 "I came to cast fire upon the earth; and would that it were already kindled!
50 I have a baptism to be baptized with; and how I am constrained until it is accomplished!
51 Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division;
52 for henceforth in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three;
53 they will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against her mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law."



Live in the world as if only God and your soul were alone in it. Then your heart will never be made captive by any earthly thing.

-- St. John of the Cross

Ditto. I think this is universal.

How are you doing, Sis?

Sis,

On Karma.

It is within his own Karma that his prideful nature would enable him to lengthen the suffering at his own hand.

Think about that.

Because he is so prideful, he would naturally remain in a terrible situation longer. Enduring more suffering, at his own choosing, because he does not want others (you) to see that he made a bad choice.

So he becomes stuck in a bad situation to avoid looking like he is stuck in that bad situation.

And stays there, because of his own pride.

Do you see that this is his own punishment?

To remain judged by others, in his own shame, in his own mud and muck, of his own making,

as long as his own demon "pride"

keeps him there?

What life is that?
What fantasy is that?
There is no true happiness there. He either knows it now, or will come to know it. Soon enough. He is not a stupid man. He could not look you in the eye, which should tell you something.



So when you see RT, next time, know in your heart that she, too, lives this karma. Because she knows she is the driving force behind the demise of a good man. And her own pride will not admit that. Not aloud, anyway. And she, too, lives this same self-inflicted ugliness and evil. Perhaps more so, as she seems to have less shame. She may be left to wallow in it later. I think that will happen.

For now, together, they will ride on this road. Slowly, though, this internal virus will eat them both alive.

Until it comes to pass that one of them must seek a cure.

Because let's face it:

They have both sought "happiness".

And what they have done - will not bring it.

It is only a matter of time when one of them figures that out.

Their guilt and shame will rise up, or the realization that their "fantasy mate" is just another person without morals will slap them in the face one morning. Or something else. Like, she leaves the cap off the toothpaste too often.

Anyway.

When you see RT

Remember

Karma delayed

Is still Karma.


SB

You are right, SB. I've sort of been headed there, but you summed it up.

People have been saying, "I'm sorry" when they hear about the divorce.

What I want to say back is, "Don't be sorry for me. I can look myself in the mirror every day knowing I did everything I could to save my family from being destroyed. Feel sorry for the person who abandoned his honor and integrity to destroy two families and leave five young children in broken, single-parent homes."

Who is the one most worthy of sympathy? Or....pity?

From that perpsective, I don't really feel too sorry for myself, either. I can hold my head high. I know I can look at my past and recognize my faults and failures...but I take responsibility for them.

Yes, it would be nice to know (like Bugs and SD) that WXH will someday fully acknowledge what he's done...that he will truly appreciate the depth of the pain he chose to inflict.

But it may not happen...it truly may not...and I'm determined to live a peaceful life anyway. Not waiting around for karma. I'm going to find happiness again...real, from the soul happiness...not the self-indulgent, adolescent kind.

Reciprocal. Adult. Caring. Mutual. Respectful.

Maybe knowing that I would find that kind of love someday would make it unimportant for me to know that the karma bus going 75 will ultimately mow down the waywards, leaving nothing but stuff to be scooped up by SD's trusty shovel.

Being perfectly honest, if there were someone else in the picture for me, this would be SO much easier. But now is not the time, and that is obviously NOT the right reason. (not that there's anyone banging down the door, anyway, darn it)

I am a bit apprehensive about the boys coming home in a few minutes. They didn't call over the weekend at all, and I suspect that WXH took them around RT, now that he's free as a bird.

Let the Brady Bunch fantasy begin. It would be deeply gratifying to me for that to fall as fast and as hard as a lead balloon.

I don't think I have the will power to not ask the boys about the weekend. And for their sake, I SHOULD ask them, so that they can feel safe talking to me about their feelings. I wish I could check out emotionally just long enough to have those conversations with them without being affected myself.

Sigh. We'll see.

Sure enough...

Apparently RT and her 8-yo daughter walked to the ILs with the dog yesterday. The boys and WXH were outside playing catch. RT gave DS9 some candy and a Webkin (some little toy??).

I wasn't nearly as affected as I thought I would be.

Here's the funny part. I asked DS9 (oh so casually) if he told MIL who gave him the webkin. He said yes. I asked what she thought about it. Clearly, she grilled him. When did they come by? Where were grandpa and I? (they were in the house)

Good for you, MIL. Unfortunately, it probably distresses her greatly (DS9 said she went to bed very early), yet she will continue to be a martyr.

Oh well. I'm okay. The boys are okay. That's all that matters.

Sis,

Glad you checked in here! You are sounding well!

Aout this-



This is a very fine line to walk,,,,,I know! You are right, though, that it is important for the boys to know that they can tell you about things.

You did well!! You will find yourself unable to resist asking certain questions, but being aware of that in advance works to your favor. You are aware of possible effects, on both you & the boys, which is good. It will get a tiny bit easier as life goes on.

As for people saying they are sorry - why NOT tell them what you really think? I DO. And it feels really good!

Keep on your path Sis! You are doing just fine!

LS,

RT being around your boys would be a huge obstacle for me too! I know how hard accepting that might be for you...it certainly would be for me.

Hopefully, all you have learned and your continued growth will help you with this too.

You really are doing great! What a fool WXH is!

RT being around your boys is your next big challenge. It's going to happen. But you know that, and you know how you're going to feel about it.

I'm trying to come up with advice about making it safe for your kids to talk with you, but I can't seem to get it right, maybe because I don't know what the answers are.

Try and resist the temptation to ask about what's going on on the other side of the fence--make it safe for the kids to talk to you, but don't get updates. They will hurt, sometimes more than others.

Because I still want an apology or recognition of the damage the SCQ has caused, I find myself wanting to subvert her relationship. When I hear that she and the POSOM took my kids to a restaurant that we used to go to, I want to say things like "It's really great that you can be happy in a relationship built on lies" or "sure, you two deserve each other, but our children deserve so much better than you." I don't say these, of course, but you can see where the emotion comes from.

I recommend trying to avoid hearing about it.


Yeah, this would be great. I wouldn't get my hopes up too high, though.

I know you know all this stuff. You sound so strong and have grown so much. You're going to be great.

I think you should pray that God help YOU to let go. I'm not as versed on God as others, but why would you believe that God WON'T take care of your WXH? If you believe, then he will, without you asking for it. I'm not saying to not pray for your WXH. I'm saying to let God do his work, you worry about yours, which is letting go.

Sis, even in recovery, I struggle with these same questions, for I really have not seen remorse. I pray to find peace for myself, so that I can let go, and step out of my own way. PWC must find his own way. I'm more than willing to hear him out, to listen and comfort, but I can in no way get him to 'get it', and I don't think I should.