Sis, I am so sorry to hear this. But you know, RT and WH have never lived together and got to "enjoy" the day-to-day stuff. It's all been peaches and cream until now. I predict an EX-plosion on the horizon.

So, maybe you don't know the answer, but did WH buy a house, or did WH and RT buy a house?

(((Sis)))

No, I'm not really okay. And it doesn't help that it is a busy, long day that began with a flat tire and waiting over an hour for the roadside assistance guy (thank God for roadside).

I have a meeting tonight that's going to be very intense, DS11 is feeling sick, and I have to drag the boys along to the meeting, which means DS11 will have to tough it out.

And I have to find time to go to the tire place and see if they can fix it or if I have to get a new one...and of course it is first come/first serve so I have to schedule in plenty of time to sit around and twiddle my thumbs. Meantime I'm driving on the donut.

So. Nice reminders today of how crummy it is to be alone in this town with no family to call on for help. And no guy friends. None. Meanwhile, WH has his entire family here and RT to boot.

And the boys are all excited about their new place....as they should be.

But when I asked God to take away the anger and resentment...all that was left was pain and sadness. Some consolation. I don't know which is worse.

Feeling sorry for myself, guys. So friggin' rejected. Sorry...just need to vent.

You're right, ruby, I will be better next year...it all has to keep getting less painful, right? I'll swallow hard and cry later.

I wish I had that sense, too, meggy...but now I expect that they are 3%ers. As screwed up as they are, they probably are a match made in he11.

Except for the boys, I can honestly say I wish I had never, ever met the man. I sure as he11 didn't deserve this.

Keep it coming. If you want a voice at the end of a phone line, send me your email, and I'll send you my cell number.

No, Sis, nobody deserves this. NO way, NO how.

Sounds like a pretty crappy day. You WILL be better next year; HECK, even next month, and next week.

Oh, LilSis, what a rotten day. I do feel for you. Days like this just seem to start bad and get worse, and you wonder what's coming next, don't you?

However (you know there's got to be a 'however', don't you?)

Feeling resentful of your lack of a support system as opposed to xWH's is understandable, but let's get it in proportion.

The 'support' consists mainly of a family whose moral integrity is frail; deep down he will not feel respect for them, and that leads to a deep, chronic but probably unconscious insecurity. That's a bit of a poisoned chalice, for all it looks like a plus. Yes, he has someone to call on if his car breaks down. But you will too, in a year's time. You will have built up a support network of your own, and yours will be composed of good people like you. I wouldn't want the people he's got, would you?

And calling on RT? Deep, deep down, in the far recesses of his soul, he knows that she too is unreliable. However, much he lies to himself, he knows that she has proved that she will not stick it out if it's not enough fun. He just hasn't got the tools or the guts to look that far into himself.

He's living a life in the shallows. He just thinks it's deep.

Let him go, LilSis. He wasn't big enough to manage a real relationship. Even if he marries RT and manages to tough it out (and I think it's likely that RT will dump him), he can only be as happy as he's got the capacity to be. He's small, small, small.

Whereas you have got bigger by the day.

It's just a house. You know he had plans. It's better for the boys. Grieve, and put it away.

{{{LilSis}}}

TA

Thanks everyone. I think I'm already moving along.

It's just such a shock, you know? Especially after a day that was already pretty stressful. I even totally forgot to vote, and it was a highly contested race for city commission.

Anyway, I rallied. I called my neighbor and she assured me she'd be home, so I let DS11 stay home on the couch to nurse the cold that I must have given to him. And the meeting went well, and DS9 even had a good time being a helper.

So I'm putting it into perspective. You are right: it's just a house. Nothing's changed, really. It's maybe just the finality of it, the idea that he's actually actively pursuing the Brady scenario...and the fact that the boys were so excited....that got me feeling defeated.

Their excitement stung. I just couldn't share in their enthusiasm, then I feel guilty about that.

I think I just need to get to bed...put this day behind me. Tomorrow I get to visit my PO. Yippee. She's very nice, but I could do without the reminder...and one less visit to the old courthouse.

As my friend K says, "Serenity now." (Actually, I think she stole that from George Costanza)

(((Sis))

Get a good night sleep, tomorrow will be a better day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Still

I haven't written in a long time because you get so much good advice Sis. But I know all these things feel a like a punch in the gut. If nothing else, I'd love to see you start dreaming again -- dreams that DO NOT have XWH as the center of your universe.

Perhaps this has been covered somewhere in thre thread, but if it has, I don't remember. Since your family support isn't living there, is this something that might be changeable down the road? Is it something you'd consider? Consideraing the current situation, think about a few things: What would you like to be doing in 5 years? If you could raise your boys anywhere, where would that be? And what would their activities ideally be? What would you like your sons to be doing when they are 16andn 14? If it's there, is your dream to stay in the same house/neighborhood/ where you are? Or somewhere a bit more yours -- one where all the pain, triggers aren't quite in your face every day. Where would you like to live? Nothing has to be done now, but I'm just curious. Do you want to be in your same town? Same house? Same job? Or do you have other dreams job-wise that might also meet your family needs. For example, I report to an office in DC, but I am a telecommuter and am raising my son in friendly, kind Southern state -- (um NOT Texas, no offense to ML) becaue of the easy natural lifestyle. Maybe your're already there -- can the situation be tweaked so you ahve easier access to your family or they to you? I missed being so far from my family, and it took a couple of years, but my parents agreed to move thanks a bad couple of winters! I now know I will cherish this time with them forever, and so will my son, regardless of what happens to my marriage -- although I'm more confident there too.

Take Care -- Shellybird

Hi shelly, glad you are doing well.

I've thought about that, and REALLY wanted to "run away" about a year ago. But I have a wonderful, wonderful job that I truly LOVE (they have been so incredibly supportive during this; even the really ugly stuff). This IS my dream job.

And the boys....I don't want to uproot them any more than they have been. Not right now.

I'm not ruling it out, because Lord knows never say never, but I don't want to pursue it right now. Maybe in a couple of years, I will. Right now, I don't think I could deal with the stress of a move and selling the house (which would also mean I'd have to pay WH out his equity).

The best I could do would be to move into a new house in the same metro area. However, I need to TRULY get my feet under me before I seriously consider that. Make sure it's for the right reasons, the right time, that I'm not vulnerable and can take the stress.

I would LOVE for my sister to move here, but she's with my mom, and I don't want her to be alone, either. They are only an hour away, so fairly accessible.

**

I'm looking forward to getting in to work today so that I can relax and focus on that. My shoulders are attached to my ears again. Yesterday was just stressful all around. Hopefully the stress will abate over the course of the day.

You know, I was thinking. Dare I say this? If WH came walking back today, I don't think I would want to work on recovery. Is that blasphemous here?

It's not about recovering my marriage anymore. It's about finding myself WHILE coming to terms with what WH did to me. Sometimes, I still can't believe that someone who took vows with me, fathered my children, yada yada....would do something so incredibly cruel and hurtful to me, and our children.

It just goes against everything that I know. And it still makes my head spin.

I mean, if this can happen, what does that imply? What does that do to everything ELSE that I know or believe to be true?

And it's REALLY, truly compounded by the ILs "betrayal" (because that's how I experience it). It's not just some flukey thing where one person with whom I had a deep and abiding relationship with kicked me to the curb.

Others did, too.

I just can't quite understand a world where this is done. I don't mean to sound naive, I mean there's Hitler and child molesters and that kind of thing, but that kind of viciousness and cruelty have never been a part of MY formerly safe, picket fence, Ozzie and Harriet world.

What I'm doing is constructing a new world for myself, one in which this stuff happens...and I'm still not sure what this new world looks like. I'm very suspicious of it; it seems unsafe and cold and lonely.

I guess it was shelly's "center of the universe" comment that got me to be able to articulate that...

WH probably is at the center of my new world RIGHT NOW, because what he did to me was what caused the old world to crumble...and that experience is shaping my new world...not HIM...but what he did, what that implies about my relationships with people, and how that alters my reality.

Maybe I'm being too existential for 6:30 in the morning...

Sis, you're still recovering from that big trigger, so don't worry about how you feel--just let yourself feel it and then let it go if you can. Your feelings may change over the next couple of days as you calm down.

Have you done anything for yourself lately? A massage, perhaps? Hot bath with candles and a glass of wine? Five minutes of quiet time concentrating on deep breathing, or maybe thinking about how great your sons are?

No it's not blasphemous silly...this is what we call an empty lovebank. His behavior during the divorce has completely drained it dry.

The Harley book is called "Surviving an affair". It's not called "Recovering your marriage".

You, my dear, are a survivor. You have not been destroyed by the affair, you are coming out better and stronger.

As for future relationships with people of any kind...

You do not have to trust other people. This is why I always get on you about your need for others to protect you.

It's an unrealistic expectation.

You will be able to invest in close relationships with people once you learn to trust yourself to protect you.

One day you will be confident enough to recognize when someone is not acting with your best interest in mind - and be able to withdraw and put up boundaries to protect yourself - and at the same time - not make it about you and not let it destroy yourself self esteem.

This goes back to your choice to let others have power in your life over your peace and serenity. People do all kinds of crap because of their own weaknesses and vulnerabilities and agendas. You can choose to allow it to destroy you or you can step around and over the pile of steaming poo - and keep on going.

You are going to be just fine

Today is my d-day anniversary so I am back for a visit…

Good timing, too. BR’s advice above was an excellent reminder for my vulnerabilities.

LilSis,

I know nothing about divorce law, but it seems to me that soon-to-be xWH failed to disclose a fairly significant fact to your attorney. He purchased a house while you were still married. The closing had to have been a while ago for him to have already moved in.

If it were me, I would call my attorney. Not to change anything now, but to see if you have potential ammunition for future turdiness. Here’s how my imagination works:

Set - Sometime in the future. XWH and RT are cohabitating.
Action – RT says “The reason you are so unhappy is because you are separated from your boys. If they were here more, we would be okay.”
Affect on LilSis – XWH goes back to court to get the boys half time or more.

LilSis’s response – have attorney pull out saved info about snaky, slimy, turdy move of failure to disclose house purchase prior to divorce.

I guess I learned to anticipate future betrayals and be prepared to protect myself.

You are still doing great!

SHOL

PS – I think 6

SHOL makes a good point.

If he bought this house while still married (you said that you were not quite divorced yet, right?) do you get an interest in the equity? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I am sure its too good to be true, but oh so funny if he was too hasty!

Sis,

Hey,,,,I am just catching up and what's this I am reading about WH buying a house PRE-divorce? That is a BIG no no and something for you to certainly check into more. You are most certainly entitled to your part of any equity. Remember, I couldn't buy MY house because Drac refused to sign a release of his 'interest'.

Gather the facts FIRST and then see what to do or NOT do from there.

Have a great weekend!

Thanks, that is a great reminder. I do really worry about my ability (or inability) to trust ever again. I wonder...is it a process of creating a new "trustometer", or is it just broken, irreparable?

Hopefully, it's a process...as you say...as I grow and gain in confidence again.

Anyway...I am probably internet-less until Sunday when Comcast can come and do some work on my cable line. Hopefully the cable problem will be the last little "[censored] happens" glitch (along with the flat tire and a couple other things) that I will experience for a few days, anyway.

About the house...I'm wondering if he's actually renting from a real estate friend of his with the intent to buy after the D is final. The township's property records online do not show WH owning any property, or RT. The real estate friend doesn't show up either, but he could have some "corporate" name for his rentals.

I don't know the exact address, and today when I had planned to drop the kids off (no school), WH insisted that he come pick them up instead. Hmmmmm....either RT was there, or he doesn't want me around for some other reason.

Anyway....finally leaving work at 6:09. We had a Bible study at lunch today, it was fun. I've never done that before, and a few of my co-workers just started this up. Got a few things planned for the weekend, much of it work related, and getting in some community service. Not real exciting....

Maybe a movie...???

Sis,

A movie - - a CHICK FLICK - sounds GREAT!! Find one, go see it, and come back with a movie review for us!

Spend the weekened doing girly things and put aside the self reflection for a bit of fun. You deserve it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LS:

Enjoy the movie.

WH either did buy, or just rented the house.

Can you do anything about it?

Buying one? Probably not. Since the divorce is is full swing, activities after the petition date are usually not something you can lay claim to. You might have to sign a waiver or what not, for the LENDER, but the court recognizes the petition date of the divorce, and his assets after that date are not subject to your claims, and vice versa.

Unless there was a fraudulent transfer of some sort. Mr. W can chime in on MI Law, if I'm mistaken.

Renting one? Maybe that's all he did. DS's may NOT understand the difference between buying/renting. All they know is that Dad has a new place to live.

Oh, and if RT DID move in with WH? Do you think that could disrupt RT exH's support payments?

Just a thought, and really, not much to concern yourself with.

I understand that you guys were supposed to get the first snow of the season this week? How did it go?

And BTW....Sorry about those Spartans.

Go Blue!

LG

LG: I didn't even watch the game last week. I get way too anxious. Unless you are referring to b-ball...oh, boy. Poor Izzo.

Instead of going to a movie, I went to Blockbuster and bought a handful of movies for $20, which is easier than renting (no returns) and about the same price. I was much more cozy curled up in my fuzzy jammies and a glass of wine.

No snow, really, just cold, rainy/sleety and windy (thus the fuzzy jammies).

I spent today running around mostly helping out with volunteer type stuff...not the kind that gets credited to my requirement, however, just commitments I have. I still have 18 hours to "do." I'm hoping that I can get those over with around the holiday season. I'm just nickel and diming it at this point.

Anyway...I'm really, really tired physically, and mentally, too, from being "on" all day. So when I get in the car to come home, it hits me...no one to come home to, I'm alone.

I HATE feeling alone.

Hungry.
Angry.
Lonely.
Tired.

Time to do something about it....Where's the chocolate?

Sis,

Hope you had a huge steaming decadent cup of Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream!! OOHHH yeah!

I understand sometimes the feeling of going home to an empty house being oh so lonely. But, I have (for the most part) made myself do a mental change to that view.

I intentionally changed the words from "empty house" to "MY Sanctuary". That empty house is where Bugs can go and do whatever BUGS wants when she is alone. I can curl up with a good book in fuzzy pj's OR I can crank up the tunes & dance naked in my high heels all around the house!!

What will it take to change your empty house into Sis's Sanctuary?? I know it was the house you shared with WH, so it may take more doing than in my case with a new house.

What, if anything, can you change inside the house to make it more Sis's Sanctuary?

Just a thought,,,, hope it helps,,, {{SIS}}.

BTW, our new family member is here with us. His name is Beau (sorry BC, DD picked the name,,no reference to you being a 'dog' intended! lol) He's been PERFECT so far! No accidents in the house, no barking, perfect on the lead, listens,,,,I took him out this am and he is now sleeping in bed with DD again.

Have a great day Sis!