Mulan: His dating history was unremarkable...no "intense" relationships like I had (2-ish years), but he had more the 6-month type. Maybe four of those? And a greater number of "a few dates" type of thing.

I guess I skated over it because I don't want to make it about XWH. I want to figure myself out, and it's easy to get stuck in the habit of making this all about him and his problems, which I can't do anything.

Fox hit it...it's a funk.

I want to be clear...I don't begin to think that I am the only one who has ever been hurt in the world. Just because others in the world have been victimized in far, far more cruel ways than I could even imagine, that doesn't negate my personal experience with pain. I empathize more with their suffering, because I have suffered. Not NEARLY as deeply as many others. I do not presume that at all.

I wish I didn't give the impression that the suffering of others doesn't count because I'm hurting.

When the boys get a shot, or skin a knee, I don't compare it to the pain of childbirth and tell them that their pain doesn't count. In their experience, it's a pretty big hurt. As they grow, they'll experience more pain, and the pain of a skinned knee becomes minor in comparison. We all learn by experience. It's hard to know suffering if you've never experienced it, and when you do, it takes on a new meaning, a deeper meaning.

TA: I like the way you break it down to that "simple" paradigm shift. That is pretty much it, pretty black and white. I think I tend to cling to the old model because it was safe. (DUH!) It's not an easy exercise to give that up...especially during these times when I'm in the funk, feeling really stressed out, or overwhelmed.

You are correct that it also does raise for me the question of my own capacity to inflict pain. That is scary as well....especially because I have gone down that road myself a time or two. So I know it's there.

I'll give some thought to the case I'd make...

I do get what you are saying. And I recognize that it's the fear that drives me here. Fear of being alone, fear of not getting everything done....fear of not being enough, right?

I need to mull this over more and remember my lessons. I need some time to just BE and to breathe...not running around trying to avoid getting behind the eight ball of life.

It takes discipline to remember this stuff...to keep it right up there on top, the lens through which I view the world. When I get tired, that's when I most need it, but I have trouble maintaining the discipline.

arrrgh...

k...I don't think you understood what I was saying.

Let's see if I can communicate this better.

Your post was about your inability to grasp your husband's cruelty and how that could be made compatible with your reality.

What I was trying to point out was - not that your hurt is insignificant - but that your previous reality before dday DID include terrible acts of cruelty. You just had not seen cruelty up close and personal.

You did not walk around in a happy go lucky Princess Fairy Land where bad people and cruel behavior were not in existance.

Reality does not have to change. It is what it is. Your filters have to change.

Yeah, this one jumped out at me. His reality is different from yours. I'm quite sure he wouldn't describe it this way. I expect he would tell you that he never meant to hurt you and that he did the best he could. He is still a Fogged-Out Zombie. Is he really that different from other WH's?

He made a terrible mistake he couldn't figure out how to stop making, or that he should.

Do you own some of it? Probably--you helped create the conditions that made it possible. Have you learned from that mistake? Yep.

In your next relationship, will you put into effect some of the things you have learned about relationships? Yep. Will your next relationship be much, much better because of that? Yep.

I think the whole thing is tougher for those of us whose lives who have been largely drama-free, or lucky or even blessed (I've heard you talk about that before, Sis, and mine has been as well). It's life. Things happen. My friend lost her house to fire. Another friend just found out her father has applied for gender reassignment (i.e., sex-change).

You're going to be great.

This is pretty heavy discussion over here. Why don't you come flirt over on my thread? [Ducks]

AHHHH...okay.

Because of my work (and being a cop's wife), I'm pretty tuned into the ugliness and harshness of life. I'm not a shrinking violet. I'm not afraid to go to "certain" places or think the boogey man is around every corner. People are people.

I always thanked God that I was so fortunate as to have been born into a white, middle class family with happily married parents who loved and supported me. I KNEW how blessed I was in that regard.

BUT I thought that made me immune....not from things like my dad's cancer...but from deliberate cruelty.

That's the filter that needs to change. That's the model of the world that needs to be re-worked.

So - it sounds like he had no serious long-term romantic relationship before he met you. Just short-term dating. How old was he when you got married?
Mulan

24 when we met, 25 when we got married. We dated about 9 months and married a year after we got engaged.

You are right, sd. Time to lighten it up. Boys are home this weekend and DS12 is having a couple of friends sleep over.

The dog escaped out of the yard this afternoon. DS12 had forgotten to latch the gate securely. When DS9 and I got home from the store, she was gone. DS9 was beside himself.

Thank God, we found her. A nice neighbor a couple of blocks away had her leashed up. She had been running across the busy street.

So what's important, anyway? We've got our dog and each other.

Sis -

I'm no psychiatrist, but...I'm thinking that it is no coincidence that you married a cop.

I have to go with BR on that one too! Have you thought about that? the WHY of WHO you Med and what purpose it fullfilled for you...

I wanted to M someone like my dad...thing is I wanted the good characteristics and I got the bad...the silent treatment, the AOs, etc...I wanted the hardworker, the one always on the go...the one that was good with the kids, but not with the adults come to think of it...

Thinking of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Don't know quite how to take that, BR...

Want to say more?

My dear ...

You have a really deep need and an expectation that other people will and should protect you from the ugliness of the world.

Of course you married a cop. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But then again, when that cop brought the big bad ugly world to your home...

well...perhaps this is part of the reason you are having such a hard time wrapping your brain around things.

In their badass blue uniforms and the sunglasses with the gun on their belts - cops are larger than life, modern day real superheroes.

Cops protect good people from bad ones. Yours did not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Okay...thanks for filling in the blanks!

It is hard for 'me' to wrap my brain around this, having followed this thread.

There also has to come a time for 'acceptance' of what 'is'.

Read my sig line Sis, put that one on your fridge! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good Morning, Sunshine! i saw that you were up early like me and wanted to wish you the best blessed day filled with sunshine goodness that I could!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You've been quiet over here, Sis. How's it going?

Didn't realize how long it had been since I posted on my own thread.

So....

since I'm feeling really lonely today, I thought I'd check in and see who's around.

I hate the holidays. I miss sharing the dinner and the preparations and the joy of family with my husband. At my mom's yesterday, all I could think of was how everything's the same...all the same delicious food, and tons of it...the same couch that WH would fall asleep in...how WH would always open the wine...and everything's different.

Dammit.

Now today, the boys and I had to pack up and leave my mom's so that they could begin their weekend with him, at his new house, with his new life. For me, it's one more sucky thing that has happened as a result. One more reminder. One more loss.

The boys were cranky because they were having fun with my niece and didn't want to leave. DS12 was lamenting how they never get to go to grandma's anymore. This is true; the weekends that they are with WH are the weekends that my niece is with my sister; on my weekends with the boys, she is with her dad. Without my niece there, a visit to grandma's isn't nearly as much fun for them.

DS12 told me how much he felt like everything is screwed up because of this divorce.

I know exactly what he means.

So now WH has picked them up and they are gone, and I'm alone, and everyone I know is either out of town or doing family things.

This morning, before we left my mom's, my sister and all three kids went out to the trails near my mom's. My sister was getting in her run, the kids were together at the rear, plotting and imagining, so I was sort of walking alone with the dog. It was stunningly beautiful, bright blue sky and sunshine, with about an inch of snow on everything...stuck to the limbs and sparkly; a few brilliantly yellow leaves still up.

I was thinking about the above posts, about needing someone to protect me, and I thought, yeah...it's true.

Most of the time, I'm perfectly confident and competent...at least on the outside. But there are times when all I want is to totally let down my guard and just let myself be a puddle...but with the confidence that someone is there protecting me so that no one drives right through the puddle and splashes it all over. I don't want to have to be vigilant; just let myself go. Just for a little while.

Maybe it's just that in the matter of about 90 minutes, I've gone from being at my mom's house, with my mom, my sister, my niece and the boys (and the memory of my dad, there, too), to being here, in this town full of IL-ish people, alone, in the house that I shared with my husband who left me.

I'm just tired of it. When it comes down to it, probably tired of just feeling lonely and alone.

((Lilsis))

Wish I had some words of wisdom that could lift this from you.

What I do know is that it is okay to let go to God. He is protecting you. "See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands..." Isa. 40:16.

One thing I remember reading when the journey seems to be so long comes from the book "In Every Pew Sits a Broken Heart" by Ruth Graham, Billy and Ruth's daughter. It's from the chapter on learning to be still during times of uncertainty.

"Remember, you do not know what God has planned for your future. You have no idea what this plan requires in the way of preparation. God never takes on anything before it has been prepared, and our destinies depend not only on the work God wants to do in us personally but also on the coming together of people, events and opportunities. God must prepare all these as well, so he can lead us into greater maturity in Christ and toward the fulfillment of his purposes."

It's hard when we are used to figuring things out and moving forward. It's in these times that we have to be still (cling is what that word can mean) and let God be God in these times.

Maybe now is a good time to start "banishing" the ghosts of your XH from your house. New pictures, new traditions, whatever. We are putting up Christmas decorations. My XH always thought it was too early to do it right after Thanksgiving. I don't think it's too early to start celebrating Christ's birth. I love the lights on houses. It reminds me of the light that Christ brought into the world when He came.

BTW-There's a book that might help your boys. It's called "Six String Rocketeer" by Jesse Butterworth. He wrote it about coping with his parents' divorce when he was in middle school, about your boys' age. I got it for my YS15 after I heard Jesse speak on Family Life Today on the radio.

Now today, the boys and I had to pack up and leave my mom's so that they could begin their weekend with him, at his new house, with his new life. For me, it's one more sucky thing that has happened as a result. One more reminder. One more loss.

You have a new life too ya know, albeit not one that you got to decide about.

You have got to get off your pity wagon and start living that new life without regard to how it was in the past, what he is doing now, where he is living, etc etc...ad nauseum.

Why don't you go shopping?

Why don't you go to a movie?

Why don't you volunteer at the hospital?

Better yet...

Why don't you go to your local homeless shelter and see just what it is like to have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?

Maybe that will shake you off that train that you insist on riding...

Harsh...yep...but I see someone who really has SO SO much more than many, many people...and you are still whining about what you don't have, which is a wayward husband.

JMHO

committed (donning asbestos suit)

committed: I am absolutely sure that it is nauseating to many people. I am still learning about letting go, trusting and loving myself. Having faith.

I am not ignorant of how fortunate I am. I give thanks every day for the blessings that surround me. I also pray every day to find the peace that very often eludes me.

Part of finding that peace, I think, comes from letting myself feel the feelings that I have AND not be afraid of them. Let myself be a puddle and know that even if a car drives through, I'll survive...God willing and with His help. Don't be afraid to let myself be a puddle every now and then.

Telling myself that I shouldn't be a puddle or I'm not allowed to be a puddle because I am very fortunate...then I just end up ashamed of myself....that's no good either...

johnstwin: Actually, I was thinking of you earlier, when I was posting. Wondering, how could she have done it? I could never survive what she survived. What if that happens to me? What if I get sick and there is no one there to care for me? I watched my dad die of cancer, and I watched my mom care for him, every minute of every day. They were devoted to one another.

Who would be there for me, if I got sick like my dad did, like johnstwin did?

It's a pretty big leap, actually...but you know how these fears and doubts creep up and make the boogey man appear really scary, like he's right around the corner.

So, johnstwin...I guess it was divine intervention that you were the one who responded first. Telling me what I need to hear...what I read in the Bible every day...what I read in the Language of Letting Go...what my heart tells me...

I need to have faith. In God. In me. It will be okay.

And I'll give some thought to how I can "banish" WH from the house. That's going to be difficult...I really need the Ghostbusters more than anything...

Thank you.

You can protect yourself. *You* are enough.

You won't feel this bad forever, it will pass.