Morning LS...

I have been very busy lately...but,try to check in on you... and keep you and your boys in my thoughts and prayers.

sawing down that tree was a big accomplishment......i thought about doing it and then decided to take the easy way out and buy a pre cut one.
I am paying for that now....the branches are drooping and the dry needles are falling all over the floor!

happy holidays!

Hey Sis...just popping my head in to check on you...still supporting you...

I think that's great that you are signing the boys up...How do they feel about it?

lol...I hear often that they don't want to go but once they are there...they are fine...

I think it's just that it takes away from their time at the house...they would rather be home playing with their toys and stuff...

it'll be okay...

Supporting you all the way!

Rin

Hey, Sis

Glad that you are staying busy. It's still an up and down ride, isn't it?

Did you think about doing the tree a different way? Maybe start a new tradition with the boys? Although I suppose they are just about old enough to do the sawing themselves.

Hang in there. You're doing great.

Hi all...

I have been so busy. I feel exhausted all the time. Rush, rush, rush. I am looking forward to the long weekend. The boys are with WH, so I can finally take some time to clean the house and bake the cookies that I want to bake.

I had a dream--a nightmare, rather--about WH last night, which is probably what prompted me to post. He was his same awful self...horribly cruel and uncaring, just sitting there watching my pain...expressionless.

It brought it all back. I woke up in a sweat, so relieved it was just a dream. I'm still okay, still safe.

I wonder if it was prompted by what I wrote to Bugs last night, about staying dark.

Anyway....yes, the boys are glad to be going to CCD, but ONLY because it turns out that they both have very good friends in the classes. Otherwise it would have been a struggle, I think, especially for DS12. DS9 is just plain excited, and was disappointed to learn there's no CCD for two whole weeks because of Christmas!!

The tree sawing thing...I thought of starting a new tradition, but not this year. It's almost too much work to try to find a new place, do they drill the bottom, do they bale the tree, yada, yada. I know exactly what I'm getting at this place.

Okay. Gotta go. The clock's ticking...

Sis,

girl,, you are AMAZING! Let me quote someone whom I SO admire,,,,,



Gee golly! what an amazingly wise woman wrote that!!

{{{Sis}}}

Yeah, right. Easier said than done, all that.

I'm having a moment, so please indulge me.

I just realized that there won't be a single present for me under the tree on Christmas morning.

I know, big deal. I've never been too much into getting presents, anyway. I prefer to give them.

And the very best present I could ever get is the joy on the faces of my boys. Although it is ever so much more enjoyable to share that with their father.

And later in the day, when we go to my mom's, I know she'll have something for me to unwrap.

It's not about the "getting," it's about feeling special to someone; about being someone's priority. (You know I didn't even get a Christmas card from ANYONE on the IL side?)

It's just stupid...I'm laughing and crying at the same time. I suppose it's just an excuse to cry. And Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without some tears, would it? No matter what, there's some melancholy...at least that's the way it's been for the last 9 years or so, since my dad got sick.

I suppose I'll feel better once the kids get home in a couple of hours. It's been a quiet couple of days. Too quiet, now.

I'm feeling a bit like believer always says...what a waste. What a waste. So much loss, so much pain, so much destruction...for what.

There are broken parts of me that can never be repaired, broken parts of the boys that can never be repaired. For what. For nothing. For selfishness and pride.

Because my husband mistakenly thought that his own emptiness was caused by me and our marriage. I was not enough; I was not sufficient; I didn't deserve to be a priority; I was unlovable; I was an inconvenient barrier to--and incompatible with--his personal happiness.

It simply isn't true...and it is his loss. We ALL lost. He could have had it all, but he chose to throw it away. He has broken parts, too, but he only sees how the little shards of glass shine and sparkle. To him, the destruction is beautiful.

I deserve so much more. I deserve to have a present under the tree from someone who treasures me...who sees me as a gift--not a hindrance, worthy--not a burden, someone who VALUES me.

Pity party over...

sigh

Sis,

As a Christian, you know the gift under the tree is the Lord Jesus Christ.

The gift you know was given with passion, love for you as someone very special to your Father in Heaven who VALUES and TREASURES you as no single other person on the planet. Made and created especially unique, so that you may please Him and be you, just as you are. He loves you, with every beat of your heart, with your flaws and tears, with your joy and laughter. His gift to you was His Son.

Place today a cross on that Christmas tree of yours, and think of that as your gift to yourself this Christmas, and let that cross remind you of what the true gift of Christmas really was, and still is. On Christmas morning, say a silent prayer of thanks for that gift, the biggest gift you have ever been given.

As a Christian, you have no other gift as large, as beautiful, as powerful, as glorious, as perfect, under your tree or anywhere else.

Jesus truly is the meaning of the season.

The sparkle of everything else, the gold, the silver, the ornaments, the spangles, the sequins, the trinkets and the gifts we give one another - they are symbols of events long ago. Symbols of gifts given to a child in a manger. Nowadays, because of our fast-paced world, too often they tempt us away from the truth, from the meaning of this beautiful holiday. Focus on God Christmas morning, the meaning of this Christ-Mass. Let Him be your guide, humble yourself before Him in prayer, and you will find this Christmas to be the finest you have ever experienced.

Because, you will find in your humility the true meaning of the holiday


Joy
Peace on Earth
Love
Redemption

and your Savior.

Merry Christmas,
Schoolbus

And yes, Sis, I know it was just a rant.

Hang in there, girl. This is tough. We love you.

SB

That is truly what I have felt--up until the afternoon--for some reason that just wasn't cutting it for me.

I have felt the gift of Christ more than EVER this year. I finally really, really get it. Previously, it's been sort of, I don't know...enigmatic?

I do feel better just having ranted.

Sis,

Don't beat yourself up over your rant - - - because *I* went through one of those moments today myself!

I just finished up the last of the wrapping I had to do today and had all of the gifts under the tree, and went to get the camera to take a picture when it dawned on me that there were none for me either.

The kids asked to buy gifts for Drac, so I obliged for their sakes and helped them wrap them today. Those gifts are under there, too.

I agree with SB, about the only gift of importance and I know that you feel the same,,,, we work to teach our kids about it every day. We will all have events tomorrow and Christmas day to focus on the TRUE meaning of the day. It's all very special to us.

Yet,,,I DO understand that feeling you are having. The hurt that comes with it. How sad I felt yesterday that hearing the silence that told how much Drac resents having his Dad even care about me as part of his life/his family. That the person who he once told my Mom was "PERFECT", is now someone he so vehemently needs to exclude and hurt is beyond comprehension to me.

But, ya know what? We have SOOO much! Our God, our families, our kids, our friends, our new found knowledge, our changes for the better, the new found strength we have gained through this most horrible of times.

{Sis}

LilSis - Tell your boys that you want a hand drawn Christmas card from each of them. I raised mine alone, and there was never a gift for me when they were little. But they always made me a card, and get this, they still do, and they are 26 and 23!

They put lots of effort into the cards, and I still have them all.

I'm glad you all "get it." It seems whiny and petulant, when I have so very many blessings.

Like you, Bugs, it just struck me, out of the blue.

You are fortunate that FIL shared that time with you, that he cares. Although it just exposed you to another hurt with the call...

I like the card idea, believer. They would get into that, and what a perfect gift.

BTW...the boys are not back yet; they were due 20 minutes ago. Not a big deal, especially since it's not a school night, but still. Just par for the course.

I also have a gift from the boys to WH that they picked out of the clearance bin at Kohls. So clearly a "kid-picked" gift.

This will pass. This is all temporary. Good things await! They just might not be wrapped up in a nice little bow under the tree on Christmas morning.

Thanks, all.

sis,

got the email addy

will contact you

Sis,

I read your "short" story on Believer's holiday thread, so now I now where you are. It's so hard to read the really long threads to see where others have come from, so thanks for sharing it in a shorter version.

It looks like you have come a long way in your personal recovery, and you will be one that I hope to learn from. You, Bugs, WofF5, and Believer - my role models.

Thanks for beieng here guys. Almost had a little break down tonight but reading here held the tears back.

Welcome to our unhappy little club. I guess we've earned a few tears. What's important is that we can wipe them away and keep moving forward. We can help each other with that part.

I ended up calling my mom to cry on her over-the-phone shoulder:

When the boys came home they announced that WH got them both fabulous Christmas presents, and that they would be having Christmas Eve at BIL/SIL's tomorrow. The ones I used to go to church with. The ones I became so close to.

It just really hurt my feelings. They will all be together, and I'll be sitting around...alone...with my family an hour away...feeling forgotten and left out. Probably not true, but feels that way nonetheless.

Sort of like in second grade when someone has a birthday party and you're not invited.

I think I was just a bit vulnerable, and this announcement put me past the breaking point. So I hid myself upstairs under the guise that I had to talk to grandma about Christmas presents...and bawled my eyes out to her on the phone. Thankfully she can take it, and she knows it will pass.

I don't know of anyone's Christmas Eve I can crash...or I would. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then the boys and I popped popcorn and watched Spiderman 3.

My eyes are all puffy and I have a headache, but I think the worst of today's rollercoaster is past.

Tomorrow is another day.

Thanks, everyone.

Sis,

Well, I'll spend Christmas Eve with ya! I basically have no family at this point. My only parent is in a nursing home, and my only brother just got M again and will be with his new wife's family. My Dd will probably be with loser BF so I'll be here with no place to go either.

And don't feel too bad about the IL's. It's not that they don't like you or have forgotten you. It's just that they have to support their sibling first. My parents and I hated my brother's GF (became his second W), and we remained very close to his first W, but had no choice but to accept his decision else he would not come around. Although he would never admit it, I think GF was his AP. She ended up leaving him for someone else though. He's now on #3.

Anyway, I'll be around tomorrow evening so we can bawl together.

Ok, Sis.

You had a good cry with mom on the phone. I KNOW it's hard hard hard hard hard. I know it hurts hurts hurts.

So, with all love, Fellow Angel, it's time to Buck Up and get in Goddess Mode!!

I want to hear some Specific Plans on how you are going to Pamper Yourself TODAY!

Bubble bath?

Retail therapy?

Massage?

Manicure & Pedicure?

HUGE Pile of Chocolate cookies???

What's it going to be?

Before this downhill slide totally takes over, you can put on the brakes! You ARE strong enough to do it!!

What's to stop you from making the hour drive to spend time with family? Even if it is just for a few hours?

Oh, no...the downhill slide is over. I was beginning to rally last night, but a good night's sleep does wonders.

The boys are going with FIL at about 2:00, so we will hang out until then. We'll need to spend some time shoveling. We got about six inches last night. They can help me wrap presents for bringing to grandma's.

After that, it's off to the store to finish up the shopping. Do you think it's too much to ask that Christmas Eve afternoon won't be crazy busy?

Everything has to be set by 9 when the boys get home, in time for 10:00 midnight mass. (Yes, midnight mass is at 10, which I think is great).

I'm all smiles this morning because I did get something under the tree after all! A very dear friend sent me a credit to Amazon, and I know EXACTLY what I am going to get: a new copy of the book (I gave mine away a week or so ago). I've been missing it...and I can't wait to get my new copy!

See...like I said last night...tomorrow is another day. It's beautiful outside with a fresh blanket of snow, the boys are home, we are having chocolate chip pancakes, and I'm going to make it a wonderful Christmas for them.

The thing about the IL side is that they don't have any hard and fast traditions. There was a piece on NPR the other morning about family traditions, about no matter how silly or tacky, the family does the same thing every year.

That is MY family. We make the same dishes (that everyone loves), the same cookies, the same ornaments on a real tree, the same places around the table, the same red glasses. Santa will come to our house tonight and fill the same stockings.

That is a gift that I CAN give them.

Blessings, everyone!

I love tradition! Good for you Sis! Merry Christmas to you and yours...

he thing about the IL side is that they don't have any hard and fast traditions. There was a piece on NPR the other morning about family traditions, about no matter how silly or tacky, the family does the same thing every year.

That is MY family. We make the same dishes (that everyone loves), the same cookies, the same ornaments on a real tree, the same places around the table, the same red glasses. Santa will come to our house tonight and fill the same stockings.

That is a gift that I CAN give them.
************************************

and it's a very wonderful gift!

Happy Holidays, LS!