And breathe deeply . . . and think about what you're doing for fun after work.

Yep. Thanks, sd.

I just sent around the email the office to see who wants to go have a drink after.

It probably is behavioris guyus, genus cluelessious.

I don't intend to respond at all. I'm trying to examine my reactions. Clearly having the kids serve as go-betweens on pick-up and drop-offs is unkind to them, as well as ineffective. I need a new strategy, especially dealing with these goofy holiday times.

Or, I can just live in the moment, not worry about "the next time," let this one roll off me, and deal with the next one when it comes around/if it comes around....and do so without involving the boys at all (on my end at least).

Cluelessness! Exactly! Many of us guys suffer from this. We have too many Big Things going on in our heads (four or five projects from work, sex, baseball statistics, plots from Gilligan's Island, sex, beer commercials, etc) that sometimes the details (e.g., snow pants, or, dare I say it, Sippy Cup hygiene) slip away from us.

You have a couple of options for next time. How annoyed were you? If you can take a deep breath and roll with it and recognize what you're dealing with (and how you're responding to it), it might make things easier.

Hope you're out having fun.

Sis,

Hope the night out was fun! You deserve it and I am glad you are taking the INITIATIVE to go out and have some fun!!

Oh, this whole schedule, clothes thing is, IMHO, totally because he's clueless. There's little doubt in my mind that it was due to his HUHA condition. (HUHA = head up his a$$). Doesn't sound intentional to me at all.

However, knowing that it is due to HUHA, doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with right off the bat, and for that I am sorry. Yet, now that you are aware of HUHA syndrome and the symptoms of it, you can decide how you want to deal with it in the future.

And you DO need to decide on a plan for yourself on this because I can guarantee that without a colo-rectal extraction procedure, these kinds of things WILL most certainly happen in the future.

{{Sis}}

Sis - does your office have a place where your sons can read quietly in a corner while they wait for their dad to pick them up? If yes, then next time he does this, don't alter your plans, but send the message that since he's going to be late, he'll have to find his boys along your scheduled path.

Morning Sis, just popping in...saying HI! I don't have time to read up, mom just got up, she drove 12 hours to come visit...

Merry New Year! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I read this on Still's thread. Thank you Sis. That's the bestest gift, you know that, right?

Morning, everyone. Thanks for chiming in.

Bugs, I love HUHA. The more I think about it, the more I realize that is the case, and thus I don't need to get so bent about it.

And once the holidays are over, it will be back to business as usual.

I spent a lot of time this morning just trying to get back to my peaceful, accepting place. With all the rushing around, schedule changes, emotional tugs, etc., of the past 2-3 weeks, I think I got off course a bit and started getting caught up in it. I needed to take some time to just be still, focus, pull myself together and get grounded again.

I still will have to think about what my boundary should be and if I need one. I'm determined not to REact, and a boundary will help me to define my behavior in reaction to WH's actions.

Kayla: good suggestion. Yes, work is very accomodating to kids.

Rin: Have a great time with Mom!

SL: of course...

LS:

Maybe the departure of BrambleRose is really starting to be noticed.

Please let go of some of these outcomes.

Ms. Perfect is all OVER the issue with the snow clothes.

And your STBeX and still WH is suffering from HUHA. But.

He is living his life. And you are living yours. I was pretty blunt on Bug's thread about this same issue.

Don't you think that you create some consternation at his house occasionally because of something that he assumed YOU would do?

Just because he is wayward, doesn't mean that your actions don't matter to him too. He just might think your suffering from HUHA syndrome as well.

Your doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances......

I want you to know that. You are doing your best.

Good luck, and I hope that it works out for you.

(((((LS)))))

LG

Ah...crap, LG. I was just getting to a place of letting it all go...and then you come and slap me upside the head.

I think I just need to be prepared to approach these little speed bumps. And this one in particular, coming at a time when I was vulnerable....

If I had a strategy...a way to frame my interactions with WH, I would be better off.

Something like:

If this request/issue/"problem" does NOT create an inconvenience for me or is NOT burdensome to me,
and/or
does not impede the boys' ability to have fun/learn/have a new experience during the time they are WITH ME,
then:
I should just go along.
Don't let pride or emotion get in the way...a boundary is not being crossed.

However,
If the request/issue/problem DOES create an inconvenience for me or IS burdensome to me,
and/or
DOES impede the boys' ability to have fun/learn/have a new experience during their time with me...

Then what??

See...to even struggle with this issue is anticipatory, not living in the NOW.

GRRRR.....

LilSis, I'm not sure what your parenting schedule is but this shooting from the hip type of scheduling is never gonna work. What ever happened to this concept?


Granted that was then and this is now but the concept should be the same. Stick to the times in the final order. Flexibility is great but you have to 'get along' with each other to permit flexibility to work. Otherwise it will always be a power struggle.

I don't like the fact that you are communicating through the kids. That is a huge no-no in the world of co-parenting. If you are going to insist on no-contact then at least use someone other than the kids to be your liaison. Even for little stuff.

As far as clothes go, he should really keep a few outfits with him so the kids dont have to pack everything when they go by him. Eventually, they should have two of just about everything, making the transition from your home to his less stressful on the kids.

Some parents will not buy a stitch of clothing for their kids if they are paying CS. I hope he's not one of them. CS helps balance the financial load when one parent has the kids more than the other. He still has to provide them with food, shelter and clothing when they are with him. Some non-custodial parents don't get this.

Precedent? What do the orders say? If you are going by precendent, why didn't you stick to 9:00 instead of 'telling' him through your son an alternative time to pick them up. A time that was more convenient for you?

Again, for flexibility to work, you have to get along. Otherwise, stick to the schedule and you will not have these battles of inconsistency.

LS-
I think that SD has a great idea. I think that you and WH should text message about schedules, and schedule changes... This way, there is a record of what was said by both people... such as the time of drop off, the time of pick up, etc. You do not need to respond to anything other than things like that.

I just do not think that it is fair to put the boys in the middle at all. There may come a time where they may resent you for it...

Keep on chugging up the hill, you are almost there|!

For the next school vacation, I will make sure to have a detailed schedule drafted and sent via the intermediary in advance, so that WH and I can come to agreement prior to any variation in schedule.

That way NO ONE is left hanging in either direction, and we are both clear on what's expected. Neither of us are yanking each other's chain.

Just to be clear, there are no final orders yet. On the most recent draft, I said that I wanted pick up/drop off times specified, and he balked...saying we could work it out.

I just think it's a good idea to have orders to fall back on in case we can't "work it out."

And no, WH will provide clothes. Unfortunately, they are RT's kid's hand-me-downs. I recognize them from the times when the kids would play, or her kids would sleep over.

(I am SO tempted to just quietly throw them in the trash, because I'm NOT thrilled about taking care items that belong to her, or even having them in the kids' dressers. YUCK. Okay...that's evil...so if I gave them to Goodwill would that be okay?)

I'm not opposed to buying a spare pair of boots and snowpants, but at some point, someone has to be responsible for getting at least one pair back home. Maybe that responsibility will have to fall on the kids, but it would be nice to have a parent reminding them of their responsibilities. (oh, do I hear a "should be" in that sentence?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sis, give the clothes to Goodwill.

Sis,


Question - what purpose is served by throwing the clothes in the trash or giving them to Goodwill? Or were you just venting?

While clothes that DD comes home in aren't hand-me-downs from the OW's kids, I understand the trigger.

What I've done is make sure that she wears clothes that are from Drac when she returns to Drac. At one time he made (well, has continued to make) a HUGE deal about the things HE buys Staying with HIM. So, I make sure the clothes go back & forth with her and she is really none the wiser.

Drac even made a big deal about the birthday presents from "HIS" family having to stay at HIS house. So, at Christmas, when it was time to pack up, I told both kids "The gifts you have received are YOUR gifts. YOU can choose where you want them. The only things I want to stay here are the movies I bought, because I haven't seen them yet". The point was that the pressure of that kind of tug of war, should not be laid on the kids, IMHO.

Now, as far as clothes, again, I just try to time it so that what goes there isn't anything she can't do without here. Age on this does make a difference. At a certain age kids can and should be responsible for getting their things back & forth. For things like snow pants, I just keep an extra here, just in case.

I'm going to ask again, to be sure. Are you really stoked up about this or are you just venting?

Oh...just venting...trying to make light of something that really makes me a little ill. Imagining ways to purge my hurt on clothing makes it slightly humorous and less "ouch."

I did tell the boys that the Playstation/guitar hero stuff needed to stay here. I just don't like the idea of all that stuff getting carted back and forth...the opportunity for something to get lost or broken or forgotten is pretty high. Since that was about all they got from me, then we were fine.

Now if WH gets a Playstation at his house, fine. The games can go.

Anyway, clothes in general aren't a problem (except for RT's hand-me-downs, which is only a problem for me, because I think the kids are clueless).

I'm just going to let it all go. There's nothing I can do about whatever WH chooses to dress them in. The fact that it's an unwelcome reminder is my problem. There's nothing I can do about the fact that WH forgets snowpants. The fact that it irritates me is my problem...and DS9's problem, when he wants to go outside and play.

You know...these are all really minor things, and just get blown up by me as part of the bigger picture of the depth of hurt, and how it represents how unimportant my feelings are to the man how vowed to love me and honor me for a lifetime, and how our family--the boys and I--were disposable.

Should bes....

Nothing I can do.

Sis, fwiw I would BURN those clothes. It is an enormous kick in the teeth to you to send your children home wearing clothes from their father's wh*re, and SHE KNOWS IT.

Crikey, don't be afraid to get mad once in a while. You SHOULD fight back against that kind of disgusting crap. These people are NOT going to protect you *or your children* from such filthy disrespectful behavior, so that leaves YOU.

I also think it's a terrible message to send to your children, that you are "okay" with this and that "people learn to adjust to divorce and it's really no big deal."

Burn the clothes. (I'd send the charred remains back to RT special delivery, but that's just me.) If you're really feeling generous, give them to Goodwill.

But get rid of them. I can smell the stink from here and I'm a long way from Wisconsin.
Mulan

You can certainly discuss or even send a note stating your preferences regarding the clothes. You can always do something. You must choose your battles.

Just don't be talked into destructive behavior. Destroying, discarding or donating the clothes probably isn't a take the high road approach.

This is silly, really.

They are just clothes. It's not as if they are imbibed with some evil spirit. The boys don't know. Yes, it is hurtful and insulting to me.

But to make an issue out of it, even sending a note or discussing it...
(1) assumes that WH is even aware that I would recognize it, and/or
(2) assumes that he would care one way or another that I would recognize it, and/or
(3) just gives he and RT one more way to see me as the crazy, demanding ex-wife.

Why bother? The end result will be the same; it won't change his behavior.

Besides, he could always just deny it anyway. He's certainly not above lying.

I'm not happy about it, but I'm not happy about a lot of things. Just add this to the list....and in comparison, it's not that big a deal.