Ter:

First off, you have been married for 5 years.

You found out THREE Weeks ago about this A.

You found this site two days later.

Give the plans time to work.

You state that the OM will have more time than you with her in the next month.

So fix that.

Go spend some time with her, where she is at.

You state that OM captured her with the phone....

No he didn't. He captured her by TALKING to her. He just happened to use the phone to connect with her.

So call her. Ask her how her rehersal's are going.

Avoid R/M Talk, and if she brings it up, then address the specfic issue and then change the subject to something else.

Date your WW again.

Talk about your day, and her's. Weather, the town she is in, the town she is going to, what you going to do with her when she comes by the house.

You might have to spend some money between now and the end of the year. Saving your Marriage.

But the Divorce will cost more, and you can make her pay all the costs, anyway....

Remember, you have only been fighting for 3 weeks. Don't throw the towel in so early....

LG

OK...Ter...here's what I'd do.

You know his name, rank, and generally what he does, as long as where he lives.

I don't know what branch he is, but I'm sure you do. Get your phone book, look up for a branch recruiting office in his area. Call the recruiter, tell them that you're looking for the national gaurd/reserve unit(s) in that area. Don't mention OM or the situation, just ask them how you could contact the NG/AR units that are in the area.

Then, use the info he gives you to call those units, and ask to talk to the CO, or company First Sergeant. Ask them if they have OM in their unit. If so, then explain the situation as I've already suggested.

Alternately, you could do a 'google' search for that same info that you'd ask the recruiter.

Understand...even if its an NG/AR unit, he's still considered a member of the armed services, and to the best of my knowledge subject to UCMJ regardless of current status. I wasn't in the NG/AR, so I could be wrong.

Try that, if that doesn't work, I'll keep brainstorming.

So far calls to reserve units in the area have been a bust. Is it possible he is still attached to a unit outside where he lives. Possibly to the unit he was with in Iraq?

Yes,
that would be a good possibility. Do you know what unit he was attached too? or what location the unit originated from? So is he living in a different town now than when he was deployed to Iraq?
Lake

breaking it up is good idea......
here't the thing...

I am not sure that one SHOULD plan A while a WS lives with OM by her invitation for 10 days...

I am not sure that there is ANY respect in that act.....
and that one should plan A right up to the point....

in my opinion too damaging to ones true inner self....

make no mistake there is nothing respectful about an affair...

but some actions are way way over the top....

and in my opinion call for drastic measures...

in my opinion anything but dark will only do certain things....

to much plan A will sound like condoning this action

during plan A you communicate clearly the pain contact causes...

how would these conversations go??

too much risk for powerstruggling
too much risk for lovebusting big time

if it was me it would take an act of GOD to keep me home...and not go there like a mad dog...myself...
torture...

one option is for imterrified to go away and be completely dark....

then pick up afterwards...

but dayum....

I guess the real question is what is your exact plan imterrified to deal with occurance.....

but it can NOT be placating or condoning....

ARK

As of right now, I have not made a decision on how to proceed. I want to think about all the advice I have received from you guys and other people counseling me. I do not want be hasty in what I do next, because I feel my next step is the most critical of all. So please have patience.

I do have one goal that I am frantically trying to achieve and that is to stop this "lovers rendezvous" set for August. To that I end I must get the OM's unit number. There is no guarantee that even when I get the number that it will stop the communication, but it is my best shot right now.

One interesting side effect of leaving her in limbo over what I am going to do next is that she seems to have taken a bit more of an interest in saving our marriage. She has been sending me text messages all day saying how she is thinking of me, wants me to call her, and that she is not going to give up on our marriage. That last one is especially confusing.

I agree with ark in that I cannot fathom sitting by while my wayward spouse shacked up with OP to see how good it could be with OP as if it were a real life relationship. UUGGGH.

I do not advise Ter to sit by and allow that little shack-up to take place. But, if he can get to a CO so that he does not have to take other measures like move in with them, or get her fired from her job so she has no reason to be in that town, or disable her car or other means of transportation when she is at home so she has no way to get there, or......

If slug/derelict/alcoholic can be called off in some manner, wouldn't that be better than some other measures that could be taken to disable the shack-up?
Lake

Confusing?
fogeese translation: I am not leaving you, I am just checking out this other person because it feels so good to me to get all this flattery, etc from him. Just hold on for a while (I don't know how long.....) while I feel these good feelings from this OP. I want my cake and I want to eat it too. Just stand in line, I'll probably be back, I'm not giving up having you too. After all, you are a patient man--right?
Lake

Lake,

Your WS babble translation is priceless. Thank you. I needed a smile!

I feel this way too - she's even told me in the past that she wanted to "try out" the OM and then come back to me if it doesn't work out! I told her that you don't treat people this way and she claimed it was just a thought flitting through her head.

Dear Ter,
I'm glad that you can still laugh, but somewhere in there I meant to indicate to you that it is okay for you to communicate to her that it is not right for her to be doing what she is doing to you. It is a fine line, I know, that I never had to implement--to tell your spouse without love busting, that it is not right for her to consider whether or not she wants to [email]skr@w[/email] the other man. Read over what Ark wrote, I think he communicated it well. I'm sure that you already know this and I am telling you something that you don't need to hear again, but gee whiz, this stinks!
Lake

The question of the day is do I stay or do I go? I can hop on a bus tonight and stay with her this weekend. If I go it means I am starting a all out, 100% Plan A. If I stay it must mean I am preparing for Plan B.

I have prayed and listened to counsel, but the path still seems very unclear.

You need to have a clear mind and calm heart t/d a good plan B. Your mind and heart have t/b in sync. Is it?

L.

yes you should go and plan A this weekend...

in my opinon you should knock her socks of plan A up before she plans her play live in situation...then plan B OR have some alternative plan...

like leave the country..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

try this link on for size...for while you must not powerstruggle her contact....

you should speak it's truth....

when in plan A feel free to say.,...............

ark

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to Plan A my tail off till August. If I am successful in stopping the OM from shacking up with my WS, then I will probably continue with Plan A. If I can't stop it then, I will start Plan B after my trip to see her in early August.

I now need to plan my Plan A. I am going to spend most of the day checking out other Plan A threads to find what works, coming up with romantic ideas, and researching the city I am going to be in this weekend.


And ark. If Plan A doesn't work, I probably will leave the country. Have computer will travel! Lets pray to God it doesn't come to that though.

plan a tips

seek out peps the stick and carrot of plan a

ark

Just got to the hotel where my WS is staying. She is in a show right now, so I did some snooping on her computer. She did a google search a few days ago for "ghonoria". Too bad she misspelled it she might have gotten some better information. I am going to have to ask her again very directly if she had sex with the OM and get tested as soon as I get home. You know I thought I might feel a bit more shocked, but I am not. I feel I don't even know this person anymore.

My father in law wisely suggested that I don't confront her about this now. He thinks it would cause a huge argument, and I can't have any more LBs with such a short time to run on Plan A. It is going to be hard, but I am going to just have to suck it up for now.

Update from this weekend:

As most of you know I spent the weekend with my WS. Things went wonderfully! I really worked hard to meet her needs and used a lot of tips from "HIs Needs Her Needs", which were invaluable. We talked and laughed for hours on end, and it really felt like we were dating again. I also did some romantic things like draw her a hot bath and fill it with rose petals. While she was soaking in the bath, I read her a short story.

I also spoke clearly and directly about my pain (Thanks ark!). There were a few times that the pain was overwhelming, and I told her about it. Every time I was honest about what I was feeling, she seemed to respond with apologies and obviously felt very guilty that she was the source. On Friday, when I left, I thought that I may have a 10% chance to win her back, but now I think that probability has jumped to 25%.

She came home with me yesterday and will be spending another two days here. I am ditching work today to be with her and will be seeing her again this coming Friday. Hopefully, I can double my chances of getting her back in the coming weeks.

One thing that was helpful which seems a little odd, was that I did some research on seduction. I did this research not as an attempt to get her into bed but to learn to talk to her on an emotional level. Some of the tips actually worked quite well in creating a receptive emotional state in her. The site is http://www.fastseduction.com/guide/. I in no way endorse the stupid, high risk behavior that this site seems to promote, but the tips on "mirroring", "echoing", and reading body language were really helpful. Furthermore in my situation the OM seems to be a practiced master at many of the principals expressed on that site, and it is always helpful to know your enemy.

I am pretty sure I have found the OM's unit number. I plan on trying to call today, following Owl's advice in the conversation, but my WS is still in town. So it may be tomorrow.