MW:

On Brae's thread, you stated that your WW has moved out.

Where are you now? How is your head and heart?

They need to be in sync to really do a good plan B.

They WERE NOT in sync when you tried it earlier.

Right now, you may need to read MwifeIloves's (please advise if it is a different poster) threads. His wife moved out with OM and he Plan A while she was gone. And she moved back in after 18 or so months and now thier M is thriving.

As I said earlier, WW moving in with OM may be JUST what you need. OM needs to become the person that your WW thinks he is. And he isn't. His underwear are just a dirty as yours, and he doesn't pick them up either.

Plan B does NOT mean Plan D.

Now, it time to reflect. Marshall your forces, and get ready for a better fight.

LG

MW,
Really sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself and your son.
I'm sure more experienced people than myself will be along to help you, but I am thinking of you and your son.

LG, I really appreciate the time you are taking to help me. I will search out the thread you refer to and hope that it brings me inspiration.

You wrote:

'Where are you now? How is your head and heart?

They need to be in sync to really do a good plan B.'

What does that mean? I've seen the in sync phrase repeated often but never understood it.

Brae:

Thanks mate. Every bit of support counts a lot where I am right now.

LG - it's mywifeilove - do a search MW.
You need to post your plan B letter so we can help you.

You also need to look and define clearly the conditions under which you will allow her to return.

BK:

Thanks. I was having trouble finding it.

I suspect you will consider this pathetic but I'm reluctant to post my letter(s) to retain anonymity although I would be prepared to share it with you offline. I did follow the books and read almost every thread I could find on the subject before writing mine. Obviously I'm no expert but I did the best I could.

Right now, I have no clarity on the conditions for return. My letter merely proffered the option of discussing the possibility if the other relationship was terminated. That was meant to leave my options open as I wasn't clear. Your advice is sound, I do need to clear that up in my head.

I'm happy for you to email me. My email address is in my profile.

Curious as to why it would smash your anonymity though - do you suspect your WS is reading here?

If it's just pride, then I think you need to get over that.

JL wrote:

"LG is right. This might be the best thing that could have happened. Here is why.

1. She will start to miss your boy.

2. OM now has to meet ALL Of her needs.

3. OM picking his nose at home might get under her skin.

4. It will allow you to get on your feet emotionally and preserve the love you have for her a bit longer.

5. Given that it has been exposed and she has now officially abandoned you and your child, she will find fewer supports.

6. This puts lots of pressure on their relationship right now.

7. FINALLY, YOU get time to sit back and make some decisions about your future without having her right there focusing everything on her.

All is not lost. There have been far worse and more hopeless seeming situations on this site over the years.

Hang in there, enjoy your dedicated time with son. Grow, rest up (you don't have to meet her needs now which is soooo hard when they are in an A). And get your emotional balance again.

God Bless,"

Thanks for the encouragement. My 'logical head' knows you are correct but I'm so emotionally disturbed that I find it difficult to believe that what you list will apply to my situation.

She will continue to see our Son. I think it would be wrong to try and prevent that although she won't see him every single day like before.

I do hope the OM turns out to be a real b****** and is unable to meet all her needs but it might turn out the other way.

Get on my feet emotionally? That seems impossible from where I am. I don't want to appear like a wimp but this is very hard.

LG wrote:

"Right now, you may need to read MwifeIloves's (please advise if it is a different poster) threads."

Thanks for the reference. MywifeIlove's WW seems to have behaved in an uncannily similar way to mine. That gives me hope. I got about half way down thread 3 and burst into tears. I'll pick it up later.

Maybe there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

MW,


Please permit me to take a shot at your question. To get one's mind and heart in sync requires that both your mind and heart be on the same path.

Right now you may find your heart wants to her giving you reasons she is trying to return but your mind sees her actions as very painful. Your mind is more logical and not driven by the emotions as your heart.

The correct place is a balance between the heart and mind. You need to be able to identify when she is a WS vs your W. Learn how to handle her as the WS vs your W.

Some techniques for dealing with a WS includes things like... .reverse babble. If you get a chance, take a look at the links in my sig line. With reverse babble you can give the WS back their guilt and put a hole in the A attitude.

Willing to give it a try? It may help relieve some of the stress she is giving you.

Just a thought.

take care,
L.

I saw that I was referenced....I need to read your whole thread....then I'll post some to you!

First of all, God bless you! You have lived through this for a long time! Your WW is no different than most WW's on this board....the MB principals only go as far as creating a path back for your wife....but no guarentees. However, the upshot, no matter what happens to your marriage is that you will find yourself becoming more proud of who YOU are. And learning that one can ONLY control one's OWN actions and behaviors is the biggest step toward sustaining a high degree of self value. And when you can value yourself...then others can value you...and it is often times that self value that is SO attractive, and can attract a WW back.....but self value cannot be faked nor manipulated.

It means that you don't fight anger with anger...you have enough self value to disengage...or fight with love...understanding that fire doesn't put out fire...water does. When we have true self value, we put ourselves in a position to change any behaviors we wish. It is a learning process, but one in which the MB pricipals make easier.

I haven't updated in awhile (my thread)....but my wife and I truly are at a different level....one in which her actions and my actions are perfectly in tune! She has bought into the self value/worth principal, and it has paid dividens to our relationship.

A lot of people say it takes about 2 years to recover....but I can tell you that for my wife and I, our recovery has no ending....I have never looked at it as hard...only challenging, and learning about us. I prepared myself when I extended my hand back to her...and the preparation paid off! My wife, who just 2 short years ago left me, now sees me as her hero! We have bought a new home...and our family is ONE. We love each other dearly!

God bless,

I will keep this thread tagged and reply when I can!
MWIL

MWIL,

As with everyone else who has taken the time to offer advice, I'm touched by your kindness and am very grateful - especially when I'm a bit low like this.

Your advice is sage and taken on board. I'm feeling a little better today and have started to do things instead of licking my wounds.

Thanks again everyone and keep em coming,

MW

MW:

I'm glad that Orchid picked up the In Sync reference.

I had to run.

If mywifeIlove could do a plan A with his wife moved out, so can you.

Plan B, can not be Jumped into, and OUT of. It needs a plan first.

1. Excellent Plan A.

2. Secured personal, child and financial assets.

3. A good intermediary. And if you can not find one IRL to do it, bacause of the stress, there are a number of folks around here who would be willing.

4. Review of the plan B letter, remember, the Plan B letter is a LOVE LETTER. And you tell them in the end that to perserve your LOVE, for when they return, you need to not communicate directly with them.

5. Find out what the default, and/or standard child visitation rules are in your state, and then, make sure that WW has the minimum amount. And if that is one night a week and every other weekend, then so be it. SHE LEFT. Your sons life doesn't need to be disrupted MORE becasue SHE LEFT. A plan now where she can come and go as she pleases, means that you are facilitating her Affair in the upmost. She wants to see the kids all the time, when she wants? Then move back home and give up OM. Otherwise, it's every other weekend and wednesday night. Because, if she can THATS ALL she will give you. Oh, and by the way, she will say, don't forget to drop off the CS check.

LG

Hi LG & Orchid,

Yes, thank you Orchid. I sort of get it now.

1. I did the best Plan A I could. Not perfect but Bonkers admitted that it was all that I did during that period that made her miss me and the reason she returned the last time.

2. Done.

3. MIL offered to do that when I asked but she isn't happy with it and subverts it at every opportunity. What's IRL?

4. Plan B letters already went out (now twice). I don't want to post them to maintain anonymity. I'm happy to email them to you if it will help. Even though the letters make it clear that all this was to protect my love for her, she interpreted the first as my attempt to punish her as I cut off her access to any money. I'm sure she has interpreted the second one in the same way. Since they have been sent already, I'm not sure what would be gained by reviewing them.

5. I will investigate this. In the past she accused me of using our Son as a weapon against her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />uke: I said in my PBL that she could see him as often as she wanted provided he wanted to see her. I take your point about how she would be likely to treat me if the roles were reversed.

I really value your input and am very grateful to you and everyone else who takes the time to contribute. Thanks!

MW - I did reply to your email but I got some messages from Yahoo - did you get my reply?

BK,

No I didn't. I'll send you another email address. Thanks for persevering.

Hello Everyone,

I'm feeling really weird and hope you all can help me get out of it.

The logical part of me (just like most people who know me) say that I've just got to forget her and move on. The emotional part of me seems to be stopping that. Some days I wake up feeling fine and am able to concentrate on what I have to do. Other days I just pine for her and can't get thoughts of her being with the OM out of my head. It just makes me so miserable that she's not here. Other days I start to feel indignant and angry about the injustice in the way I've been treated. I'm tired of feeling so vulnerable.

Is it just time? Is there anything I can do to accelerate getting rid of this grief?

I just need some support from you guys.

Bump for some replies please?

The Christmas season is always hard in this situation.