Hi Orchid,

I'm not concerned about implementing Plan B. I have. Totally dark. WS has moved in with OM leaving me and DS.

She acknowledged that I had made major changes during 8 months of Plan A which is why she came back last time. She never really gave him up for longer than 6 weeks. She left in tears saying her 'feelings for him are too strong', 'i can't get him out of my head' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />uke:

My heart and mind are not in sync. My mind says push the D button. My heart says different things each day.

MW,

Then u r not ready for plan B nor D. Sorry. This isn't something you can rush. When (not if) your mind and heart gets in sync you will know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Small hope, eh? But hope none the less. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

For now, I will suggest you work on defining your personal and M boundaries. It will help you work towards getting your mind and heart in sync.

Just a suggestion.

take care,
L.

Thanks for the advice Orchid. I agree that I'm not ready for Plan D. However, I think I am ready for Plan B as I'm right in the middle of it. Just struggling with the emotion of it all.

I am working on the personal boundaries thing. Just picked up a good one from MB radio:

- commit to never allowing herself to discuss her feelings with another man ever again.

BigK and BobP know more about my sitch and are totally convinced that Plan B will work. I'm skeptical because I only have my current experience to draw upon and I feel vulnerable. I found it really inspiring to read MWIL's thread and wanted some more like it.

Plan B will help you get control back of your life. It will empower you. If plan B is where you must be, then work on getting your mind and heart in sync. It really means your heart needs to catch up to reality where your mind already is.

Re: To be emotional while in plan B is IMHO, dangerous.

Please note these are just my thoughts. You know yourself best.

take care,
L.

MW,

Hey mate, I don't have any advice for you but just to let you know I am thinking about you and my heart goes out to you

Brae,

Your response meant a lot to me. Thank you.

MW

Hi Orchid,

Thanks.

You wrote: "To be emotional while in plan B is IMHO, dangerous. "

How on Earth can you not be?

It's easier when your mind and heart are in sync. That way your emotions don't run amuck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

MW

Orchid's right. See Plan B is actually an oasis of calm : a refuge from the sh*tstorm of hurt and chaos that waywards cause to BS and kids.

Its is like closing up the window boards against the storm: sitting sipping a G&T while you play monopoly with your boy as the hurricane rages outside.

Mortarman was one who told me that after a few weeks of plan B there really was a serenity that pervaded his life. His WW still behaved like a moth to a lightbulb, flitting everywhere knocking off scales and battering her wings but he calmly got on with his life with the kids.

The very fact that waywards lose their audience for their drama actually affects their perception of it.

But, your head and heart needs to be sync'ed and both intending to go very dark. Those storm board swill hold out ANY hurricane unless you keep opening a crack to peek every time it goes quiet.

Its not great fun, plan B, but its a heck of a lot better that wrestling the affair demon every day. AND its not the same thing as " doing nothing". After a good plan A, plan B is actually a very good tool to affect affairs.

Orchid, Bob,

Thanks. I get you now.

You are right, being dark is a great deal easier than wrestling the demon and as a bonus, I'm becoming quite good at these games consoles now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Have a great weekend.

MW

MW,

Bob explained it well and you are 'getting it'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Maybe it's time you change your user name.... really doesn't match anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

What a good idea. Nice bit of symbolism <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I shall give it some serious consideration and come up with a suitable moniker.

Hello Orchid,

Even though you were probably joking, I have indeed chosen a new Display Name that I think appropriately reflects me and where I am. A small thing but just going through the process of choosing it gave me cause for considerable reflection on the c*** I've had to endure for the last few months.

Great suggestion. Thank you.

Hi Princ,

Well....just wanted to plant the idea. So how do you like Princ for short? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Pronunciation of the contraction was a consideration <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok you experienced Plan Bers, please give me some advice.

I have no trouble keeping dark. I'm not even remotely tempted to make contact with the WW and fortunately she is not contacting me.

I fill my days chock full of activity. I exercise and take care of myself.

How then do I stop thoughts of her/them constantly invading my mind and making me feel thoroughly miserable?

Time to bring my thread up to date with the latest instalment of The Bonkers Chronicles.

Been in Plan B since beginning of December. Bonkers chose to do the reverse of what I requested in the PBL and kept trying to organise visits with DS11 directly with him instead of via an intermediary. She also tried to communicate with me through him several times (mostly to ask for something). I ignored every attempt.

Her behaviour when with DS11 was starting to seriously upset him. She started to moan about her plight to him, complain that she wasn't seeing him enough and making him feel guilty for it. She also tried to lure him to move out to live with her and the antichrist. Fortunately DS11 is very mature for his age, told her to stop dreaming and that he would never have anything to do with the antichrist. One evening he wouldn't get out of her car because he was in tears (she had really upset him). She knocked on the door, dumped his bag on the step and complained that I had 'told him too much'. My fault he's in tears! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I calmly asked her not to lecture me, walked to the car and got him back inside quite easily without saying another word to her or looking at her. I even managed to shut the front door quietly.

Something had to be done to protect DS11 at that point so I wrote her a letter explaining how her behaviour was upsetting him and proposing more regular access arrangements. Of course she ignored it all and told DS11 that I was trying to stop her seeing him. She still continued to try to arrange ad-hoc visits directly with him.

DS11 and I went on holiday for Xmas and had a great time. When we came back, Bonkers still kept trying to subvert the regular visits and organise alternatives directly with DS11. DS11 was amazing, he just told her that he agreed with everything in the letter, those were the days he wanted and if she didn't like it then that was tough on her. A couple of times he contacted her to check she was going to pick him up on one of the days. Her reply was that she did one of her hobbies on that night so couldn't. Amazing how anyone can tell their son that a hobby is more important than him. One night he was so upset by it that I had to hold him sobbing for hours until exhaustion made him sleep.

MIL is the intermediary so I contacted her and asked her to talk some sense into her crazy daughter. MIL did well and Bonkers now seems to have accepted that she must work through her and as if by magic, the proposed days are suddenly acceptable and it all seems to be working. She has since tried to extend communication via the intermediary beyond the subject of arrangements for visits. She has also tried to communicate with me through DS11 to ask for some money. Of course I've ignored these attempts and explained to MIL why. Once this was done, I felt a lot calmer and more insulated from the drama of Bonkers' life. Her family most definitely don't condone what she's doing and most of them have offered me support. She knows it and avoids them at all costs.

Today is the final date for me to file my tax return. I've had to go back through my calendar. Of course I've been reminded of many special times we spent together and the betrayal. It's left me feeling very sad indeed.

I've tried to lift myself by reading a few of the Plan B success stories on my other thread again. I've also reviewed my plan on how to deal with getting out of Plan B if she asks to reconcile. Unfortunately none of it is working for me today. It's difficult to keep faith in the effectiveness of the Plan at times like this. I realise that I shouldn't care but I would love to hear that she's having an absolutely c*** time, really suffering and the affair was crumbling so that the prospect of reconciliation could be accelerated. Just writing that makes me feel pathetic. I feel so angry that she continues to intrude into my mind so much.

Hi,

I've just finished your story. Quite a ride.

I just wanted to say I admire you for fighting for your family, especially fighting for your son.

Your wife will do what she will. You have prepared yourself the best you can for a positive future with or without your wife. I bet you can even see a future where you are happy and your wife is not part of your life. Did you ever think that that was possible?

Plan B does help to restore some marriages. It cannot save all of them. It does, however, almost always help a grieving BS. It helps to separate you from the daily drama. You do not have to watch your WS constantly betreay your wedding vows. You detach and watch the trainwreck from a safe distance while you continue to improve your life.

The best thing is that you are going to be a wonderful partner for someone. It would be great if it was for your wife, but if not, some lucky woman will get to experience the new you.

CN

Hi CN,

Thank you for your kind words of support and encouragement. They mean a lot to me.

I didn't think it would ever be possible for me to envisage a happy future without Bonkers. You are right, I can. After D-Day, I was desperate to fix it all. Now I'm far from that.

P

It’s now about 2.5 months into Plan B for me.

My emotions continue to fluctuate wildly. Sometimes I’m enraged by how badly I’ve been treated and the injustice of it all - I feel that it’s time it was all brought to an end. Sometimes I just burst into tears because I miss Bonkers so much and fantasise about us being back together. Sometimes I just feel that it’s all hopeless and think I should give up on any thoughts of reconciliation. I can have all of these feelings and many shades between them within a single hour. It's like a living nightmare.

Lately I’ve noticed that I spend more time thinking of divorce and moving on than any hope of reconciliation. A female friend recently offered to set me up on a date with someone they felt I would really hit it off with. At first it took me by surprise and I initially discounted the idea – move on in all but fidelity etc. Just this simple event however has made me realize that an enjoyable life after the end of this marriage is not only possible but likely.

Is this just a demonstration of Plan B working for me in the sense that the darkness is restoring my emotional independence and that I’m becoming reconciled with the outcome no matter what? Should I continue to suck it up and give Plan B longer or is this me coming to realise that it’s time to divorce? Should I go on this date?

I know I’ve got to make my own mind up but I’d be very interested in your opinions.