I posted else where under this thread but I haven't been getting any replies.

Mutual friends (at least I thought they were mutual friends) told him they had a female friend (that he and I are both acquainted with) that wanted to meet a man just like my WH (he is very romantic). He started talking to this OW (she knows we are married and doesn't seem to care), this just started about 2 weeks ago. The OW is already professing love for my WH. I feel so betrayed...by my WH, the OW, and my former friend. The pain in my heart and stomach is ripping me apart.

I have been insecure in our relationship and was needing constant reassurance from my WH that he loved me, he didn't like this facet of my personality. I have been working on it. I was calling him several times a day to the point of annoying him....now I wait for him to call me.

I get upset about the betrayal of trust and the fact that he doesn't feel like he is doing anything wrong. He says that men are capable of loving more than one woman and that he still loves me. He says that he gets lonely when he is on the road. He is a truck driver and he is adamant that he will not change his profession.

His top 5 needs are SF, admiration, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support....and open, honest communication (at least it was until this happened).

I feel like that since his relationship with the OW is so new that she is probably meeting the same needs as me. But also because it is new, he has that new relationship energy going with her. He hasn't had a chance to see any "bad" to her.

I feel so hurt over all of this. The last time we made love, I tried to push the thoughts to the side but I wasn't able to succeed. I'm sure he probably felt the difference in out love making.

One more thing that you might need to be aware of, my WH was a psychology major (he was one class short graduating with a degree in pychology). He has spent most of his life studying people...sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. He said he studied psychology for self serving purposes...he wanted to figure out how to get women and he has always been very good at it. I can understand how this OW would be in love with him...he really is that good...he knows how to make a woman feel great.

diana,

Your H is a discredit to his studies (aka: profession). He is a discredit to your M and right now as a WS he isn't good for anyone.

Those friends are nuts. Let everyone know that those people go out of their way to break up M's. As for the OW, expose to her H. Have you done that yet?

Learn NOT t/b needy or dependent on your H. The WS will use it against you. While some dependency in an R is good, too much is not. Right now the WS does want you dependent but only to use it against you. So let's get you MB educated so you can learn HOW to use things in your favor and hurt the A in a legal and healthy manner for your M and family. ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Btw, your H's ENs are quite selfish. Don't try to meet them now. Instead do your plan A so you know where YOU need to make changes and move forward. The OW is sending out a line but as you can see, she is quite selfish. Given enough time, they will tire of each other and when the OW tires of the WS, she will either go to another WS or try to steal your life and title away from you.

That is why you need to get MB grounded so you c/b prepared.

L.

were you given this info before you married him? If so, then why did you marry a man that would behave this way?

sounds to me like your H is a dirtball and if you are young and have no children... I would suggest sending him packing, working on yourself and eventually after you are able to stand on your own two feet, you can find a man that actually respects women. See, you are not just fighting infidelity and a liar here... you are also facing an uphill battle with someone that obviously does not respect women... he manipulates them.

I've been letting people know about these supposed friends. The OW is not married, she has three children (2 teen-agers and a 2 year old), I know her cell phone number, her first name and she lives in Texas.

I was pretty independent when I met my WH but since I have been with him I have grown increasingly dependent on him emotionally.

How are his EN's selfish, since they are his EN's. I have noticed from reading the book HN/HN that they are pretty typical of men.

I really do want to work at salvaging my marriage, I love my WH dearly. Thank you for responding.

I love my WH and I want to try and make this marriage work. I did know about his psychology studies before we were married. He took the classes when he was young, we are both 49 now. He has been so gentle with me from the moment that he met me, this has been a shock to me.

A very good friend of mine thinks that since he is so well versed in psychology that maybe he did this on purpose...that maybe he is trying to distance himself from me. He was severely abused as a child by his mother. She beat him constantly until the day he joined the military when he was 17. He told me once that he had never received the one thing that all children deserve...a mother's unconditional love.

I know that you may feel like I should just walk away but it is my choice to stay. I have been trying to learn the MB pricipals and I have read several of the threads.

Thank you for your response.

It is toxic to love a WS (or WH). It is healthy to love your H.

As for his EN. When a WS uses the H's EN, it is selfish. Why? Because their wants come before the needs of their family. A need is important but when it is selfishly put ahead of being part of a family, it is not healthy.

Ex: I need attention. Ok, that's a need but when that is put ahead of helping our children even in a simple request, does that make him a good parent or even H?

Many a BS have given the WS the EN vs their mate. That's bad....real bad. In turn the WS has used it against the BS, exhausting the BS to no end.

Don't let that be you.

L.

I don't understand, I thought that part of Plan A was meeting the EN's of your H. But it sounds like you are saying that is wrong.

I don't know what to do. I am hurting so bad inside, it feels like somebody stuck a knife in me and keeps twisting it.

I've been wanting to pose a question to him and make a couple of statements but I am unsure of myself. This is what I want to say. I would appreciate some feedback.

I have a couple of questions that I would like for you to think about while you are at home. Is this woman so important to you that you are willing to cause damage to our marriage? I've thought of you as a man who values honesty and integrity, this has been quite a shock to me.
If you continue to see this woman, it hurts the love I have for you…this makes it very hard for me to be loving toward you. I believe that you value our marriage just as much as you do. It has really hurt me that you did it, would you please stop?

Orchid: You are correct but read my post again. Do NOT meet the needs of the WS. Do you know the difference? This is critical.


Orchid: Refocus your attention away from the pain. It will be healthier for you and hurtful for the WS. Why? Because the WS survive on the amount of pain inflicted on the BS and family. If the pain hurts the BS and family bad, the WS thrives. So from what you have posted, the WS is very healthy. Do you want him t/b so?


Orchid: Posing questions to a WS is like spitting in the wind. Do you really expect an honest and logical response from a WS. This is just you setting yourself up to fail. Instead you s/b preparing the field so that he volunteers and maybe even begs you to let him speak to you. As long as you appear too anxious he knows he has your attention and will dump you until he is ready to hurt you more.


Orchid: His answer at the very best will be to hurt you. He could say that he feels greater loyalty to her than to you, that he never loved you, that you need to move on w/o him. He doesn't deserve you, you are not what he wants or needs and more babble. Is that what you really need or want to hear? Is it true? In his feeble WS mind yes. To your real H and the rest of the world? Nope.

Here's a sober thought.....be glad u r not the OW. Why? Because he had to lower his standards to be with her. She is beneath you.....waaay beneath you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

I'm not entirely sure that I know the difference between the WH and the H in regards to ENs. I've seen posters on here refer to the WH as an alien though.

How do I refocus my attention away from the pain? All I can think about is what will be happening when he goes to Texas again. It's tearing me up. Am I not supposed to let him see my pain then?

What you should know is when he is acting and communicating like a WS vs your H.

My motto is: Plan A your spouse and plan B the WS.

Of course this means you need to know YOUR plan A improvements. Knowing his ENs are important but when you meet his needs is even more important. You meet his need while he is acting like a WS and you are spitting in the wind.

As for refocusing yourself.... this means work on you, your family, strengthen your support group, update and secure your financials, get out and help others, read up on the Harley books, etc. There is a lot you can do.

L.

I don't have a support group, my family and friends think I should just walk away from him. I am not willing to do that.

I believe I understand what you mean about meeting my H's needs but not my WH's.

He has been showing me a little more attention lately but will not agree to stop the A.

You have to realize that, right now, you cant meet his needs...I had to realize that with my WW...There has been times that my WW has been "lucid", and have met her needs then, but you have to "work" on yourself, EVEN IF HE DOESN'T COME BACK...You have to trust that the Lord will bring him back...He has to truly see that you are ok WITHOUT him...If you go and read my thread (GHA's Thread), you will see the process my WW and I have gone through to this point where she wants NC, but hard because of where I am...Now, keep in mind that I am halfway across the world from WW, but Plan A DOES work...

Diana, your instinct is right - it is not valid to judge your partner's ENs as right or wrong unless fundamentally their satisfaction requires the suffering of another person.

As far as your WH using undergrad psych to manipulate women, I'm laughing.

A bachelor's degree does not signify expertise in a subject. An almost-bachelor's degree is definitely not a mark of expertise. Furthermore, undergrad psychology does not teach people things they can use to manipulate people. That's just horse$h!+. It's a laugh. It's made-up braggy talk by someone who didn't even manage to get a B.S. in psych. I'm not impressed. Shoot, I'd be skeptical if a PhD in psych said he used his knowledge to manipulate people. That's not what psychology is about and people who study it successfully are not master manipulators, they're scientists. The idea is an absolute laugh; like a silly high school kid's cartoon version of higher education.

If I went to a party and some dude said "I've always studied people and I'm almost a B.S. in psych" my first thought would probably be...

Why am I talking to this stupid little boy?

GC

Well, my first thought would be, "No, you definitely have your BS already, and I'm stepping over the pile of it and getting outta here."

He says that he has studied people all of his life, trying to figure out why they do whatever they do. I tend to believe him, he seems to know more about me than I sometimes know about myself. He's been right on the money in regards to other people he has talked to as well.

I love this man dearly. I have been reading everything I can on MB but I am still unsure about what I should be doing? What should I do?

Should I make him aware of how much he is damaging our relationship? Should I act like the A doesn't bother me? Should I continue to be very loving (this is what I want to do)?

I am curious as to what your WH's plan is. Does he intend on staying married to you and just have his weekly "booty call" with OW?

What do you know about OW? Is she married?

I know he would like to stay married to me for now but he plans to continue seeing this woman.

She is single, sh lives in Texas, has three children (2 teen-agers and a 2 year old), I have met her once when I was in Texas visiting mutual friends. These same mutual friends are the ones who hooked her up with my H.

I have told other friends what these former friends did as well as what my H is doing.

How can I tell him how much this hurts me w/o LBing? I mean can I just say "I feel like a knife is twisting in my stomach over this A, would you please pass the salt?" I do have to say that he would find it very annoying for me to switch topics like that though.

Diana, this man has told you flat out with the above statement that he is a serial cheater and a player and is damn proud of it.

He is not marriage material and you are only signing up for a lifetime of misery if you try to stay with him.

But rest assured - he will string you along and play you and screw around on you as long as you're willing to let him do this.

Just *please* do not have children with him and if you're still having sex *please* go out and get tested TODAY for every STD known to mankind.

I'm sorry I can't be more supportive, but you are only signing up for a lifetime of misery with this man. And I know you deserve better.
Mulan