How do I know if he is a serial cheater and how do you just walk away from somebody that you love...somebody that you made a commitment to? It goes against everything I have grown to believe in.

I thought I would get more help for my friends when I first started posting if I posted in the first person.

I am really not playing games and I am near tears trying to figure out how to quit hurting by myself.

Please call a therapist and get yourself some help. I do not believe you will find the type of help you need on this site.
We are a trusting bunch around here until someone jerks us around.

Best of luck and goodbye.

I am not trying to jerk anyone around and I was involved in counseling for other issues. We were working on helping me to be more assertive, among other things. My counselor was in his last year of school and when he left in May from the practice, I quit going.

I need help with my M, that is why I am still asking.

Diana,

1st of all come clean with us. Can't help you if you are posting as someone else, then yourself and back and forth. It is hard enough as it is to post one's own sitch. As for your 'friends', let them post for themselves.

Now, start clean and for the benefit of those who may STILL be reading, catch us up on the REAL story. ok?

I realize you are frustrated but realize part of that frustration you gave us is now biting you back. So take 3 deep cleansing breathes and vow NOT to pull our leg, give us your real story so we can move forward.

For those who don't want to help, that's ok. This is a public board and people can read or ignore who they want.

Let's start off with your age.... you are about.... ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let's share... me, I'm 49 and getting younger. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok, your turn.

L.

Orchid,
Thank you for responding. I vow not to pull anybody's leg. I would just like some help. I've went back through my thread and tried to put everything in order here. My H and I are both 49, or rather I am 49 and he will be in a few days.

I married my first husband when I was 18 and we divorced the following year when he wouldn't stop physically abusing me(I had 2 children by this man as a teen-ager before we were married). I then married my deceased husband and we were together for 26 years until his death from colon cancer(we had 5 children during our marriage and 4 of them are still home D18, D17, S13, S11). I met my current husband a few months after my husband died and less than a year later we were married. We have been married a little over a year.

H is an OTR driver and travels extensively. He has met someone in another state. He knows that I know about her but he is still involved with her. He says she is just somebody to spend time with when he is there.

Mutual friends (at least I thought they were mutual friends) told him they had a female friend (that he and I are both acquainted with) that wanted to meet a man just like my WH (he is very romantic). He started talking to this OW (she knows we are married and doesn't seem to care), this just started about 2 weeks ago. The OW is already professing love for my WH. I feel so betrayed...by my WH, the OW, and my former friend. The pain in my heart and stomach is ripping me apart.

(I've been letting people know about these supposed friends and what my WH is doing)

I have been insecure in our relationship and was needing constant reassurance from my WH that he loved me, he didn't like this facet of my personality. I have been working on it.

I get upset about the betrayal of trust and the fact that he doesn't feel like he is doing anything wrong. He says that men are capable of loving more than one woman and that he still loves me. He says that he gets lonely when he is on the road. He is a truck driver and he is adamant that he will not change his profession.

His top 5 needs are SF, admiration, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support....and open, honest communication (at least it was until this happened).

I feel like that since his relationship with the OW is so new that she is probably meeting the same needs as me. But also because it is new, he has that new relationship energy going with her. He hasn't had a chance to see any "bad" to her.

(The OW is single, she has three children (2 teen-agers and a 2 year old), I know her first name and she lives in Texas. I thought I knew her cell phone number but when I called it yesterday, it wasn’t her.)

I feel so hurt over all of this. The last time we made love, I tried to push the thoughts to the side but I wasn't able to succeed. I'm sure he probably felt the difference in out love making.

One more thing that you might need to be aware of, my WH was a psychology major (he was one class short graduating with a degree in psychology). I was aware that of his psychology studies. He has spent most of his life studying people...sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. He has been so gentle with me from the moment that he met me; this has been a shock to me. He knew that I had been hurt a few times over my life and he said something that has stayed with me. He said that I made him think of a priceless piece of art, to be treasured and handled with gentleness, that he was in awe of me.

A very good friend of mine thinks that since he is so well versed in psychology that maybe he did this on purpose...that maybe he is trying to distance himself from me. He was severely abused as a child by his mother. She beat him constantly until the day he joined the military when he was 17. He told me once that he had never received the one thing that all children deserve...a mother's unconditional love.

I know that you may feel like I should just walk away but it is my choice to stay. I love this man dearly. I have been trying to learn the MB principals and I have been reading everything I can on MB but I am still unsure about what I should be doing? What should I do? I have read the Carrot and the Stick, I've read through WAT's guide, I've read BobPure's thread.

I have been reading MortarMan's Husband's and Wive's Roles and I am taking it to heart. This is my third marriage. My first marriage ended in divorce due to my XH beating me quite often. My second marriage lasted for 26 years until my previous husband's death a few years ago ( we worked hard to make the marriage last). I want this marriage to last, I love my husband but I also believe in the committment that I made to him

Should I make him aware of how much he is damaging our relationship? Should I act like the A doesn't bother me? Should I continue to be very loving (this is what I want to do)?

It is my understanding that I am supposed to be working on myself but that I am also supposed to tell him when I am hurting. I'm also supposed to meet my H's EN's. And I am supposed to act happy. I know that this message board has been a Godsend for so many people and I am hoping you will help me too.

I'm trying to Plan A and not LB but I find myself slipping when I know where he is at. I just don't know how so many of you do this. It is so very difficult, it hurts and friends don't understand why I tolerate it. I love him and he is a good man. Please help me to stop LBing him.

Today has been such a rough day for me. I've tried to keep busy working around the house and running errands but my thoughts keep straying to my WH and the OW. And everytime I think about them, it feels like all the air is being sucked out of me...like I can't even breathe.

I hate for my kids to see me upset, they've had to endure so much pain when their father died. I try not to let it show, I go in my room and close the door when I start to get emotional.

I just don't know what to do. Please help.

call a therapist. your problems are beyond the scope of a forum.
you need professional help on a none on one basis.

If you do not wish to help me that is your choice. Orchid asked me to post my story for the ones who would be willing to help. I do not mean to be rude but you have told me good bye several times, I'm assuming that you don't wish to help me so I don't understand why you keep posting. I'm hoping that there are others out there that will help.

I will keep posting and keep hoping.

Actually I am trying to help you. That is why I suggested that you seek counseling. If I told you that you could be helped here when I don't really believe it, I would be most unhelpful.
There are some people that have problems that should be dealt with in face to face counseling. My time here has made me believe that you are one of those people.

I respect your opinion but please respect my right to continue to seek help here. I have received IC up to May of this year.

I need help now to cope with the pain of this betrayal and I also don't want to make the wrong step in trying to recover my M.

I've seen others on this forum in situations that seemed much worse than mine but the pros were still willing to assist them.

All of these "friends" of your don't have computers? They can't register and post as themselves?

You sound more like a college student doing a research paper.

Ok Diana, I read your previous recap. Thanks for putting it in one post. It helps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now to get you back on your feet. Whether your H is a pyscho major or not doesn't matter. He manifests the same Ws attitude as someone who hasn't graduated high school. Why? Because the WS attitude has the same sicko pattern.

So focus on the real issue. Your home has been attacked by a WS who has taken your H hostage and made your family victims.

Are you willing t/d what it takes to fix the part you can fix and learn how to handle the parts you can't?

L.

Orchid,
I am ready to do what is neccesary but I am so afraid of making mistakes. People on here keep talking about Plan A and I have read the "carrot and the stick" but what do I do...how do I proceed?

My emotions are all over the place today. I have such anger in me for being betrayed by my H, my former friend, and the acquaintance OW. Then it is quickly replaced by the pain...my stomach hurts...I feel like I have a big empty place inside of me...my heart hurts. And I am sooo afraid.

Orchid: Then we must 1st reduce your 'fear' of making mistakes. You realize you WILL make mistakes so let's refocus so your POV is:

1. I will do my best NOT to make mistakes (i.e. review and plan carefully but not analyze it to death).

2. If a mistake occurs, I will take responsibility for it (very unlike the WS), neither will I take the blame for someone elses mistakes (give the WS back their guilt). Rectify my mistake to the best of my ability and move forward.

Can do?


Orchid: I understand. These wild emotions are making you sick because of up and down roller coaster ride. Let us know when you want to step OFF that roller coaster. Realize that to step off you gotta take action, move forward. So R U ready for a plan?

L.

I would love a plan. Something to make me focus...make me feel like I am doing something.

Ok, I will remember you said it.... or at least I have it in quotes. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Here are some basic steps but you have to realize this is stuff for YOU t/d. Ok? Now some of this you think you may have done or have done sufficiently, still put it in the plan. Like any good recipe, all the ingredients must be used and the instructions followed correclty to get the final tasty product.

1. Read SAA, HNHN (both by Harley) and Love must be Tough (Dobson). If you have read them before, do it again. There's more to glean.

2. Take the EN questionnaire for you and 2nd as if you were your real H (not the WS, your real H).

3. Secure your finances. Do NOT enter into any new financial agreements with a WS (i.e. buying a car, house, new boy toy,etc.) If you have to replace an item (i.e. new fridge, washer, etc.) or make a home or car repair, do so but with caution. Make sure the action taken will benefit the family, forget about benefiting the WS. That's the OW's job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yea, let the OW meet the WS' financial needs and then see how long the A lasts. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

4. Go to the doctor for ADs and a good physical. Let your doctor know what you are going through.

5. Get IC or MC help for you and your children as needed. If you can give Steve a call (after doing items 1 & 2), that w/b great. Steve will help you develop a good plan.

6. Great your personal support group for you and even the children. You be a part of their support group and they be a part of yours. Let your support group know you may not be able to share all with all but that you will give a respectful ear to their POVs and suggestions. Then ask they also respect your decisions based on the fact that they may not have all the facts but enough t/b of good support (i.e. not all need the gory details).

7. Check out your separation and D options.

8. Do a full background check on the OW. Periodically check out any history including outstanding warrants or tickets. Anything you can use to protect yourself and the children from the clutches of the OW.

9. Identify your personal and M boundaries. This s/b a short list. It may start out long but it should end up t/b a short list. Mine whittled down to 1 item. NO OW IN MY LIFE.

10. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

11. Read up on plan B and reverse babble.

12. Your plan A improvements s/b done or near completion. Exit plan A ASAP. You have been in that mode too long and the WS is now comfortable using you as his personal mental and emotional punching bag. Time to get tough.

Why all this effort? Most OWs get a bit brave after a while and want not just the WS (that does get old after a while), then the OW wants the BS' title and rights (including property & $$). So it is best for u t/b prepared.

This is the beginning of the plan. Some of it you may have done. Review it again and if it is solid, then move forward to the next point.

Let us know when you are done reviewing these items so we can work on application.

take care,
L.

All carnations wish they were Orchids !

How very kind of you to help Diana out.