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[color:"red"] Weaver: [/color] If I were a WS, I wouldn't know the difference between the terms affair and adultry, unless someone pointed it out to me. It would have taken a very long time for the statement Pep used to sink in, as opposed to your graffic way of putting it. I would have gotten that right away. IE (affair is too nice a word for what you are doing). BWHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> My H (when he still was foggy) tried to call what he had with OW a "friendship" ... I said, "Mike is your friend. Are you f'ing him too?" Hey! I swung some timbers at his poor head ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Pepperband; 07/09/07 05:09 PM.
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Rather than on this board, I'm walking down the street. Say I'm going into a restaraunt.
And I see a couple standing outside, obviously fighting. There are other couples around...even children present.
And the man is calling her filthy, vile, caustic names. Say she cheated on him, if you like, and he's hurt, angry, the same state all of us were in when we hit d-day. But, he's in a PUBLIC PLACE (like this forum)...and he's calling a filthy, wh***, a nasty @#$#@, you cheating piece of %$#@!...and it goes on. I think if we saw a non-cheating spouse treating a cheating-spouse like this on MB that we would first say to the non-cheater, "Do you want to save your marriage, or do you want to be right?" and go from there. But I get your point. If one non-cheating poster is calling another cheating-poster vile names then the non-cheating poster obviously has unresolved issues (bitterness maybe?). Whatever the issue, spewing vile doesn't help either the spewer or the spewee. Taking it a little further, there's a huge difference between being forthright, blunt and honest as opposed to being mean, cruel and heartless. I personally don't respond to namby-pamby. Telling it like it is usually gets MY attention. Just my 3 cents.
Last edited by princessmeggy; 07/09/07 05:11 PM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I think that it is unreasonable to expect on a public forum that posters respond in any particular fashion.
In fact, I think that "I will not listen unless you speak in a way I think is kind and loving" is simply a method to keep from hearing what may need to be said.
We are all grown ups here. Too often, people get quite a fix out of being a victim. They get a lot of mileage out of crying that someone was "mean" to them.
My 6 years of experience on these boards is that there is very little enjoyment of other people's pain. Please point me to those evil people out there who enjoy hurting other posters?
There are a whole lot of people who enjoy being victims.
I learned in Alanon to place principles above personalities, and to take what you like and leave the rest.
People should stop worrying about HOW it was said, and instead listen to what IS said.
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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weaver, Who gets to be the judge though, when you get into judging motivations? Who said anything about "judging"? But if that's the subject....then remember....there are both good and bad "judgings". What someone may say is "always" or "usually" motivated by kindness....another may believe isn't. We're all free to say which one we think is true. For me....I think they're BOTH true. People have both good and bad motivations.... and generally it shows. Our MB history creates a record of how we post and what we believe. Some people are just more caustic than others, I don't think "caustic" the word you're really looking for? Eek....dictionary says "corrosive, poisonous, acrid, bitter". I think many blunt people are not caustic at all....they are caring....just direct and honest. and some people are not quite to a place of calm serenity and it shows in their posts. Well, you're speaking in extremes....and most people are not on either end you're describing. No one is all calmness and serenity....and neither are they all meaness or bitterness. Using the extremes only muddies the water and confuses the argument. We are human beings....with both helpful and harmful motivations....and it helps to be honest about that. *newbeginings....as an aside* one of the things I've always respected about you the most....is your humility and honesty about yourself. I hope to be as graceful as you are some day. I have grown quite a bit since I first started posting, but still I have days when I am caustic and not very gentle. Neither being caustic nor gentle strikes me as being "balanced" and authentic.....not the kind of one dimensional personality I hope to achieve. We aren't cardboard people....everyone has good days and bad....but the longer anyone is here....the more transparent they become. There are folks here now who can tell when I'm just having a bad day....because they've read my posts for so long. I am able to rectify the conflict between what I have quoted by you, and what I have quoted by Voltaire with the knowledge I have gained that we are all, the giver and the receiver of the posts in question...growing, learning and healing. yes I can no longer differentiate between the two.
When I post to someone I am in varying stages of growth, learning and healing myself, and vice versa.
In other words the one giving the advice and the one receiving it are not all that different. yes again....so why beat anybody up over it? We learn from each other, and the therapy goes both ways.
Star, you are one of the vets, but you still learn as much as you teach each time you get involved with another person or thread. Sometimes, I learn MORE....because I am more open to learning now that I'm not so conflicted and hurt. I learn all the time here....you're right about that. I have always respected and loved Mel for her steadfast defense of each and every persons right to post as they see fit. She can dish it out that is a fact, but she is just as staunch in the support of others being able to do the same...or not. The thing is.....you can't defend one person's right to post....if you don't defend everyone....including those who disagree. It's a double edged sword. In the same way that folks have a right to post as they see fit....so do others have the right to express their thoughts about it. Does that make any kind of sense at all? I know I have a valid point in there some where. It makes plenty of sense and I respect your valid points....but we disagree on some of them. That's okay....it would be a dull place if we were all the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Sometimes I think that those who are delivering the type of posts you allude to are going through some kind of learning process through their posts, and eventually end up being as gentle and kind in their posts as those who have long since travelled that road. Please don't mistake my words as a desire to see everyone turn into milque-toast zombies who are all gentle and nice. "Nice" is for whimps. Kind is better. Compassionate is my goal....but it's not my job to set goals for others. Everyone is free to post as they choose. Everyone is also free to disagree with both style and content. Bramblerose....Nobody "expects" people on a public forum to adhere to one style....nor does anyone except the mods have the power to control what other people say. 2x4's are the subject of the thread....and Orchid opened that subject to discussion. It would be a pretty boring discussion if everybody said the same dang thang. *editted for grammar
Last edited by star*fish; 07/09/07 05:47 PM.
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Amen, Rosie, I could not have said it better myself. I have long grown weary of these hang-wringing threads about the posting styles of others because I know it will be an exercise in futility ALWAYS. All this time wasted on something that no one here can control when others really do need help.
People post in the style that suits themselves, not others. What is 'helpful" to one man, will repel the next. One man's "bluntness" is another man's mealy mouth. One mans "2x4" is another's idea of honesty. It is all subjective and depends on our personal perception. I have no patience for bush beaters, coddlers, or fools, but I would never imagine I could change their posting style. Nor should I, because I know that their style will appeal to someone, somewhere along the line.
The bottom line is this: we cannot control people, places and things. We can only control ourselves. These threads have never resulted in anything productive and never will.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Lemonman, F.Y.I. You give a 2x4 with every post.
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
Mel, well said.
These threads have never resulted in anything productive and never will.
ba109
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Mel,
Orchid originated this thread and asked for opinions on this subject matter. Do you think she wants to "control the way other's post"? And if you're truly "weary", you can exercise your right not to read this thread.
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Bramblerose....Nobody "expects" people on a public forum to adhere to one style....nor does anyone except the mods have the power to control what other people say. 2x4's are the subject of the thread....and Orchid opened that subject to discussion. It would be a pretty boring discussion if everybody said the same dang thang. And wouldn't it be so nice, and perhaps productive, if we all focused on improving OUR OWN STYLE, as we saw fit and used that knowledge to help others? For me, I find it so much more productive when I focus on the things I CAN CHANGE, rather than things I CAN'T. The thing is.....you can't defend one person's right to post....if you don't defend everyone....including those who disagree. It's a double edged sword. In the same way that folks have a right to post as they see fit....so do others have the right to express their thoughts about it. Just as others have the right to point out the futility in such an endeavor and perhaps provide a hankie to the hand wringers who so engage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel,
Orchid originated this thread and asked for opinions on this subject matter. Do you think she wants to "control the way other's post"? And if you're truly "weary", you can exercise your right not to read this thread. Oh no, I don't believe for a minute that Orchid is the one who wants to control others, but you and I both know who does, as evidenced by this thread. So, my post is addressed to them. And we KNOW who you are, don't we? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Back to your regularly programmed teeth gnashing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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*hands Mel a hankie*
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runs from room
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Just as others have the right to point out the futility in such an endeavor and perhaps provide a hankie to the hand wringers who so engage. Absolutely. However, I don't see any "hand ringers" here, so maybe you can find a better use for that hankie. In fact, if you're going to go down the name calling path again....I might suggest a "gag". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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shaddup, you silly left coaster!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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*ties hankie around Mel's mouf*
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laffing hysterically
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Just as others have the right to point out the futility in such an endeavor and perhaps provide a hankie to the hand wringers who so engage. Absolutely. However, I don't see any "hand ringers" here, so maybe you can find a better use for that hankie. In fact, if you're going to go down the name calling path again....I might suggest a "gag". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I hope I didn't ruin your self esteem with my "name calling," Star. I will leave to your hand wringing and hope you can get these others straightened out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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*ties hankie around Mel's mouf*
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laffing hysterically DUCK TAPE works better, you DWEEB! **snort** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> alright, alright, I'm leaving! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I was about to ask how many times this thread has taken place. I figure it's plenty.
Lots of semantics around what the whole concept of a MB 2x4 is. Some good discussion and points, though.
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DUCK TAPE works better, you DWEEB! It's DUCT tape you Dweeb! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Texans <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
ba109
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I bet ya'll don't know what usually pops into my BIZARRO-PEP brain when this sort of discussion happends.... I think to myself Don't "you people" realize how many times I've restrained myself from saying something really ugly?I've got the most wickedly funny pithy scathing response ~right on the tip of my tongue~ and I swallow it .... a total waste of my verbal talents <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> MY THEORY IS: we only see the tip of the iceburg of what each other thinks/feels Would someone like to say: "Thank YOU MELODYLANE, for not being direct and blunt for once." I don't think I've ever been thanked for my self-restraint someone please do me a favor ... and thank me for all the 2X4s I did NOT hit them with (you know who you are) and, while I'm at it.... how many times has FamilyComesFirst wanted to knock my block off and ~not done it~ ??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Plenty, I'll wager <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> so, I'll begin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> THANKS FCF, for all the times you did not say something mean to me when you really felt like it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> [color:"blue"] this has been a steroid-free post [/color]
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DUCK TAPE works better, you DWEEB! It's DUCT tape you Dweeb! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Texans <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You roll your eyes at me and you can't even spell DUCK?? DUH!! yankees!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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LMAO! Please hand me a QUACKER with cheese. Big Hair Texans <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
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