Hello,
I was refered to this web site from a friend who is in recovery from an afair.
I am not sure if my wife is having an afair but our marriage is terrible. And truth is it has been for at least 7 years.
We were married young and she already had a child. She was pregnant 2 months after we were married. She was still only 20. That was 12 years ago. We then had our third child 7 years ago.
Life was fine. We were very involved in our church. I was a volunteer pastor at the prison and she had been a stay at home mom (11 years now). She ran into an old high school flame and had instant feelings for him. She then started visiting and said they never had sex but he did kiss her.
We moved on from that only to have a mediocre marriage at best until last year, I got the surprise letter saying I have a 13 year old son.(yes before I met my wife) But she could not and still can not handle this. It is constant ****** for me to try and have a relationship with this boy.
Now 2 weeks ago, she got so mad at me that she threw some drinking glasses at me and I took 7 stitches in the leg. The hospital called the police. I did not talk to them but my wife did. Since that day she has been leaving the kids here with me at night and staying at her best friends house. Today was a very hard day for me because she told my youngest two that we are divorcing. My son(7) was devastaed. he sat there and cried, begging for her not to divorce me. begging her to sleep in his room. Just crying his eyed out. I could not control my emotions. I was balling like he was and was so helpless to not be able to help my baby boy.
She still just tells me it is over and there is no chance. But I cannot belive this because I know God can heal all things if He so chooses.
I can now see some of my faults. Putting my happiness on her instead of Christ, taking on Gods responsibility to change her, being pushy and just not unconditionally loving her. There are more but it is late. Thanks to all.
I am asking first for prayers. Second for advice.
Thank you

She's lying just like all WS's. So sorry you have to be here.

You need to read up here - the Infidelity FAQ's and get started with Plan A.

These links will get you started.

<a href="/ca/to.cgi?l=pop5" target="_blank">Infidelity FAQ's</a>
<a href="/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=2995076&an=0&page=0#Post2995076" target="_blank">Pep's Plan A </a>
<a href="/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3014240&an=0&page=0#Post3014240" target="_blank">For New BS's</a>

Didn't have sex? Um yep right. Where's that pinnochio icon when you need it.

Sincerely sorry you are here but if you read and study here, you can survive this one way or the other.

Hi PL,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have t/b here. 1st let's start you on a plan.

Please consider the following:

1. Read the concepts section above.

2. Take the EN questionnaire once as you and once as your W. Hold those results in a safe place and date it.

3. Get the books: Surviving an Affair, His needs/Her needs (both by Harley) and Love must be tough (by Dobson). You need all 3 because she is already hurting your family (not just you) and you all need t/b protected.

4. Secure your finances. She is a SAHM and will strip you of all your assets because that is what the A does. The WS is a selfish creature.

5. Reassure your children of your loyalty and love to them. Let them know you will NOT abandon them. Get them in to IC ASAP.

6. For you, call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling and a plan. Make sure you complete items 1,2 & 3 Item 3 at least read or review Surviving an Affair. Jennifer is good at diagnosing and offering resolutions.

5. Identify your personal and M boundaries. You should NOT be expected to support or enable the A.

6. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

7. After plan A, when your mind and heart get in sync and if she is still a WS, then you will need to implement plan B or D. So prepare by reading about it.

That's a lot to start. Keep posting here, there are several dads in your scenario (BSH). They will help you see where you are and where you need t/b.

take care,
L.

OK pegleg...lets break it down...

realize that if you truly want help here at marriage builders...you get advice that will sound conflicting to you....

it is imperative you read about things...

lets start with your words...

We moved on from that only to have a mediocre marriage at best until last year

what is/was your role in the creation/acceptance of a mediocre marriage.....

what would be issues that as a husband you could/should of done differently if you could...

what are her exact reasons that she states this won't work??

Tell her you have no interest in a divorce...
and have no plans in participating in seeking one right now...

seek legal counsel for the one thing you must be prepared to do is to fight for primary custody...

if she want's out...she goes alone....not with the young children dragging them man to man......

replacing daddy every few months....

seek out a very very pro-marriage counselor and sign up and invite her to come with you...

is she going out
is she drinking
is she doing drugs


is she seeing the kids....

ARK

It does sound like she is having an affair, so I would do some checking.

Another problem is your 13year old other child. It doesn't seem like you and your wife reached an agreement on you seeing him. Did she enthusiastically agree to visitation?

She is against his exsistance

I appreciate this response and all others. If I had to be honest with myself I would start by saying I could have been a better Christ head in my home. I could have been more attentive to her needs. Some of the things happening are her involvement with spiritualism. I have been fighting her involvment with energy healing and other things. I guess this is Gods battle but I tired to take it on. She is going to a counelor but it is a new age lady. She also is attached at the hip to her best friend whom she has only known 2 years. This gal is not a Christian and my wife is constantly at her house and believes her over me. We had an incedent when I said one thing and the friend said another. My wifes dad abandoned them at 5 years old, the next dad beat the mom, the next molested her. She then had a child at 17 (which I have adopted) I was raised by a man that taught women are for sex etc and a woman who was an enabler. I was also molested by a neighbor man when I was around 6 and that went on for some time. We both have baggage.
I have not loved her unconditionally. I have tried to improve our marriage by reading books by Dr.Phil, Gary Smalley, Dr. Eldrich Emmersom etc. I could never get her to read one or to participate in the improvement techniques at the end of those books.
Her complaints are that I am hard om her. I take on the "dad" role. I tell her she is wrong. I am insecure. I don't trust her.
I at this point truely do not understand what is going on or know what to do. I am almost 35 and feel as though my world is crashing around me.
I feel while I have made mistakes and been stupid at times that I am a good and loyal husband. I have never strayed, I go to work everyday so she can stay home with the kids. I give her just about anything she askes for.
I don't know about drugs, she has gone out a few times. She leaves the kids with me almost every night. Last night the kids stayed at her moms.
More later
PL

I have read plan a and while I have no physical proof of the afair, plan a describes my life to a t. The question now is should I take steps to prove an affair? And if so, how?

I didn't think that my wife was having an affair either. I found out there was. It was an EA, with some kissing, but it was still an affair. Even when they are in an EA, it is still the same mindset of a PA. I had my suspicions but could never prove it either. Got lucky and found a misplaced note that said it all.

Other than that, I was checking cell phone, e-mails, and had friends following and watching. She was very good at covering her tracks. Even one of our closest friends had no idea. The whole time she made me feel like dirt for "spying" on her and not trusting her.

I also have a son from a previous girlfriend - before I met my wife - that I have never met. It was a mutual agreement to split up. My wife has always had the fear of one day he would show up at our door. I'm not sure how we would handle it if it ever happened. She would probably behave a lot like yours.

Sorry this has happend to you.
Good Luck
Rummi

I don't know if she is having an affair or not. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised either way.
Her handling of this issue with your child is most unfair. Obviously there is nothing that you can do about this now... except turn your back on your child. I understand her being shaken...but she has NO RIGHT to be upset with you.... she has a right to the feelings, but not to take it out on you for trying to have a relationship with your child.
Bottom line is, this is your child. She needs to accept that or she needs to go. Your children come first, IMO and even though you just found out you have a child she needs to realize that. Ask her if she would be willing to get rid of the child she brought into your relationship.
Now, you need to be sensitive to her just finding this out....she should be there to support you and not make life even MORE stressful for you right now.
Hire an attorney to protect your legal rights for the 13 year old. He deserves you in his life and the woman that kept him from you is terrible for having done so.
You and your wife should get to counseling now. Call today and make an appointment with a therapist. Tell your wife that you need her now and that her support is what will help you get through this.
Frankly, you have enough on your plate without trying to figure out if your wife is having another affair. I would say that you need to put this is someone elses hands. If finances are low you can always hire a trusted person to follow her and come up with the dirt. If finances are okay, hire a PI to follow her and find out what is going on.
Congratulations of your "new" child. I truly hope that you spend the required time making that relationship a priority in your life. I also hope that your wife is there to help you through this tough transitional period.

MEDC

and if she assaults you again....prosecute her. she has no right to abuse you like that.

We found out about my other child over a year ago. He has visited me once for a week (he lives out of state)and my wife wants nothing to do with him. He visits his grandparents in another country and she doesn't want me calling there either.
Right now she really wont talk to me. Just keeps telling me our marriage is over, she is done, etc. I know she has some friends influencing her but I also know she is responsible for herself.
It just hurts right now. I have never experienced pain such as I felt when she told the kids we were divorcing. I fear reliving that moment for the rest of my life. The image of my son screaming and begging for this not to happen is etched in my mind.
I don't understand her mind set or how she could get to the place where she is.
I truely want my family to stay together.
Continued prayers please

Just my opinion, worth only the paper it isn't printed on.

I think the spiritualism issues you mentioned will turn out to be secondary in importance to the A that almost certainly is going on.

I think her issues with your newfound child will be secondary to her A.

From your post, I gather you are a Christian. Well, an A is such an overwhelming insanity, that there is no hope of your WW hearing God's voice, or obeying Him in any area of her life, while she has given herself completely over to the enemy.

The above folks have given you some really great advice on how to get started in surviving her A. (Really, I'd bet my bootstrap there is one, but if possible you need to find out for sure.)

Although I think this is not the time to try and deal with the son issue, you should give it plenty of thought and prayer, and decide whether you are willing to be a part of your son's life at any cost. Hopefully it will not come down to that, and will be more logical (as in, "I know you adopted my previous child, so even though I am hurt I will be there for you and your previous child.") with her responses.

While I know it will not be the same for everyone, in my case, FWH gave me many other causes for concern during his A, that did not appear to be directly A-related. I worried a great deal that they would continue to be issues after the A was over, and yet we never had to deal with them.

Once he repaired his R to God, and stopped living in blatant sin, the rest took care of itself.

So don't be afraid to wait and see what happens. Decide what you will do if the worst happens, but have hope that it won't necessarily be that way.

Welcome to a place of refuge....sorry for the tragedy that brought you here. You will get through this.

Thanks Neak

You're welcome. You and God just take it one day at a time...one minute at a time.

How do you prove the affair?

I would just fork over the cash to a PI, get proof within a few days, expose her affair, and start putting pressure on her affair right away instead of waiting around for her to slip up. It will cost less than a divorce.

Here is her mindset. She is addicted to her affair partner, but she doesn't want to get caught. She doesn't feel like she can divorce you if you don't agree to it because she doesn't really have any grounds for it. So, she's going to behave in a way to try and get you to want to divorce her quickly before her affair is found out, and once you separate, she doesn't have to sneak around anymore because her affair is now "legitimate." You need to find proof, expose to everyone on her side and his side, and get pressure put on this affair before she convinces others that she found OM AFTER you two decided to get divorced. EXPOSURE will likely kill this affair, and she will do everything she can to keep that from happening. Don't fiddle around with this, you need to start fighting to save your marriage today.

Well today was a wierd day to say the least. I believe I have learned som truth about myself and where I need to improve. I have put so much onus on her being my happiness instead of Christ. I am seeing some of my faults in this. No I am not excusing her but no matter what I need to grow and improve as a Christian and a person.
On another note, she had dinner at home with me and the kids and we all prayed together at the table. She still left for the night but I choose to believe dinner was a blessing.

I want to do the pi thing but I want to first and foremost try to remain in Gods will and I know if she found out it would completely anger her. But I also know I can not enable her.
Continued prayers please

Dinner at home is a good sign.

It's still a long process, but that was a baby step. Very good.

Continue to make home inviting to her, no pressure, just welcoming.

How are you today, Peg?