an update for tonite ww has txt my ex wife telling her she has used my daughter to split us up (daughter is ten)

things have now reached boiling point between them .

i suppose this is good for me (she now blames ex rather than me ) she just blames me for not seeing it .

i said i as a man wasnt awaire of anything but maybe a women can pick up on things i cant .for that im sorry but please dont blame me ...?

ok so im back on plan a .

been away for two days with kids camping ,had a great time .made sure ow knew that even made her a story book of the weekend using photos of our son .

ow sent card to me saying when i feel low to talk to her . said she is always thinking of me .

private detective will start following om next week to find out where he goes each night. and who with

ww asked if we could go camping this weekend !!! or do something with our son ,im really not sure about this for two reasons ,

last time we went swimming as we left ww house om was coming down the road to her house (she had called him the mo we left )

she seems to try and involve me on my free weekends ,this really feels like A..-she finds it hard to entertain our son
B..-she is trying to limit my ability to have my own life ...


you guys that helped earlier please come on board i really need some feedback ,support ,direction ,thanks

Ask her why she's changed in attitude on this stuff.

Tell her honestly your fears and concerns that you just mentioned in your post.

Explain to her that you LOVE spending the time with her. Let her know that you would love to talk with her when you're feeling down, and that you are always thinking about her too.

Since you're in plan A, start doing everything you can to spend time with her...GOOD time, no lovebusters, no relationship talk, etc... during those good times.

However, also let her know (OUTSIDE OF THOSE DATES AND FUN TIMES) how much her continued contact with OM hurts you. Let her know that every time she's with him, she's betraying and hurting you.

Tell her that you want to be with her more than anything else. And let her know that you meant what you said with your plan B letter, and that she's going to have to make a choice soon. Tell her that you're not going to "share" her with him forever. And that if she chooses him, that you will NOT be her friend, that you will not remain part of her life if that's her choice. Because seeing them together will ALWAYS be a knife in your heart, and that you're not willing to sit there and accept that.

Plan A is about exposing the affair and putting pressure on her to end it. I've forgotten...who did you expose to? Do they know that she's still contiuing on with OM? Have any of them talked to her about it?

It's also about making changes in yourself. Long term changes to fix whatever flaws you brought into the marriage, and making yourself a more attractive choice for her.

EXPOSED TO EVERYONE !!! see exposure with a twist (cant do links ).

once you read that you will understand this ...om is still in deep ****** at work, investigation has revealed a lot of truths !!! this will come to a head soon .

she says she want us to spend time together for our son !!

shes very very short on money (turned on the tears tonight )i agreed to help her ,said im still your husband and if ive got it you can have it .

we talk a lot every night (except when om is there ) this is how i know hes there ,shes really cake eating i can see that so clearly .everything she worrys about she tells me .MONEY -OUR SONS FUTURE-HER FUTURE WHEN LEASE ENDS -CHILDCARE .i reassure her non stop but its so hard not to say WAKE UP AND COME HOME.

she knows i love her more than life and yes shes still doing the (ive got sort my issues out)(you have to sort yours speech)blah blah but it is true in a way

Why are you financing her choice to move out so that she can spend time with OM?

You may be her H, but that does not mean that you need to pay for her affair.

Personally, I think doing that would be a huge mistake. I think you should calmly tell your wife that her lack of money is directly due to her choice to move out and be with OM. That its part of "the consequences of her choices". If she chooses to live like she's not married, she's going to have to learn to live that way...which would be on her own finances.

So what's HER plan for the future? Is she expecting you to go into a friendly, loving divorce, followed by a sweet, friendly relationship between you, her, and OM?

You need to pain a clear picture of the future for her, with two paths. First, show her what happens if she goes with OM. No you, ugly divorce, broken home, broken family, and she loses you completely. The other is with you...reconciliation, better marriage than ever, with a happy son and family.

Make sense?

update as of today ,


ww is still seeing om ,been snooping lots sees her at lest 3 times a week ,goes to other (girlfriend) at lest twice a week .

have hired pi to follow om for a week +find out everything about people +places he stays .

still in plan a (finding it hard ) only see ww twice a week to pass over son . we talk every night for about ten mins (less when om is there ) just about her day, kid etc . ww asked me to go on holiday with her and our son !!! for a week (she txt this 2min after om left her house for work).

i said i would love to spend a week with you and our son ,but not while you have a boyfriend ! was this wrong ? just seems a boundary for me .

ww then txt saying very sorry she should not have asked at this stage of our relationship ! then she called 1 hour later and apologised again .i said thats ok .any help please

ok so plan a has been working like a dream ,for about a week now ww has been yo yo ing with her emotions ,getting lots of ,

wish it was us again. miss us . miss you . want to try again messages , stayed cool said i understand etc .

tonight i got the full ive been stupid dont love him speech ,thought i did but i was just running away from our problems .

now we have agreed to start dating again , recap on my position here -ww has drink problem -in IC not sure on progress ,ww still unsure of how to handle my ex,s daughter (i have her every other weekend) ww wont come back to house (big issues) so against probably a lot of you peoples advice i want to A-be sure om is out of picture
B-be sure ww is adressing drink
c-get this house sold and rent somwhere
d-get to know my wife again without daughter issues .


then go from there...what do you experts think ? iknow that om will probably still be there im not stupid ,but i will allow her to fail ,then regroup and plan a some more .

ok really need to vent here really low and upset ....ww is with om as we speek after a false recovery period of 2 weeks shes back with him .

after telling all her family its over she dosent love him etc ... i knew this would happen i suppose i didnt see any of the (total surrender ) others have seen ...its just so hard when youve had real hopes your going forward ..


i guess now i will have to be a lot tougher with the boundaries i set . support would be great

This is why you need to stay in plan B. In plan B you expect the xWS to revert to the WS status. Now go a expose to family and friends as needed, again.

L.

thanks for the reply orchid,you seem to always be here for me ,if we back up a bit my plan b lasted 2 days (wasnt ready ) plan a has been stellar ww really responded well ,thought we were almost in recovery ,am still in plan a (if you scroll back you will understand) om is a real problem ,will not back off, this is fact he has done this many times and still sees all the women even now ....

really low at the moment need some direction

All the more reason t/b in plan B. Work on recognizing when your mind and heart are in sync. Then go to a full plan B.

In the meantime, notify your support group, there's been a slip.

L.

i dont really have a support group.. not sure who to turn to on this site ... plan a at the moment is ok for me she knows ive changed etc .

plan b will happen just not ready yet ...i dont want to do it unless i am fully committed and every thing is in place ,its got to be a proper plan b i know that now ..

support group: Family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, guidance counselors, doctors, mail carrier, gardener, local police station, phone company, children, relatives, counselor, MB, anyone or anything (including pets) that will help you feel better.

Nothing illegal or immoral.

L.

after another false recovery of 2 days !!!!! i said i would rather not go away with ww and our son camping for the night ...i now realise i was stupid and that was a real plan a opportunity missed .i just coulnd get over the hurt and lies quick enough to go the day after ,

instead i went surfing on my own ,selfish i know but i realy needed to or i would have exploded.as it was ww apparently tried to call me all night on mobile phone even called pubs where i was ! worried apparently ...even got her dad to try and call me ... there really was no signal on my phone ..(think what plan b would do ).

this plan a thing is so hard ,the constant lies she tells|||| feel like hitting the eject button....

Why was she trying to call you?

because she was at her house with our child (no om ) and thats what she does !! when i have our son and shes with om no phone calls ..... real cake eating stuff .

orchid u seem to be a real plan b expert,im renting my own place in 1-2 weeks time (our hose is sold) this i feel is my plan b opportunity .time to lay it on the line ,my love for her is really low now .shes still drinking ,she had stopped but om is enabling her,i know i wont take her back if she drinks ,i cant go back to that life .

need some help with plan b -its do or die i feel.

When her calls are legitimate, answer them. It c/b about your child or something important.

Plan B is about you protecting yourself and your family from the harm of the WS.

When your mind and heart are in sync, then you can go to plan B. Make sure you financials and child custody are in place. This state of mind will take time.

In the meantime, plan A your W but plan B the WS. Let your FIL know that you respect his help but will not enable the A by doing the WS' bidding. You will help when you can in regards to family or child matters and you respect he will do the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

calls to me are just talking ,we talk every night ,fil is totaly on my side ,is helping me to bust up the affair (he puts pressure on om). ww still says a is over ,i dont think it is but i feel its very close to ending.

ww now says even though a is over it dosent mean we are together (fog )?.or still in affair. she is realy scared for her finances ,our childs future ,schools etc ,despite saying several times she wants us again ,shes now backed away again .. any insight?

englander,

It sounds to me as if your WW is a real cake-eater and she's toying with you.

I agree with Orchid about Plan Aing your wife but Plan Bing your WS.

You have to set some very firm boundaries. Believe me I've seen this WS spouse routine! The WS doesn't want to have to choose - wants it all. The 'indecision' and going back and forth between you and the OM is not something you can allow her to believe can become permanent! She has little to no incentive to stop what she's doing. I know in my case WH was hoping he could just string OW and I both along for the rest of our lives! When we tried to make him choose between us he would pretend to choose one... then the other... back and forth. He would have done that forever. The only thing that put an end to his cake-eating was my going to plan B and OW dumping him.

Moving to your own place sounds like a good idea. Her realizing you are not sitting by the phone waiting for her to call is also a good idea. Going on the vacation with WW and son might have been a good idea... or it might have just allowed her to think things could continue with her going back and forth. (My WX had a very strong delusion of entitlement when it came to spending time with me and our daughters - even tried to demand that I come along on his visitation days with our daughters! We had a one week recovery when he swore to me AND our daughters that OW was totally out of picture and he moved home. I know now that he never intended to end the adultery and was just lying so he could come home to spend Christmas with his family! In his sick mind he has no shame for the lying because he felt he was enitled to spend Christmas with us!)

ww is driving me nuts!!! she is so worried about money , her future ,our childs future etc .is this coming out of the fog>?

i reinstated that there must be no contact ,she said there isnt but i keep doing things to cause contact (now its my fault) rude gestures from car window -slashed tyres on car (not me ). so its obvious to me there still talking ,but i do believe there not seeing each other (i check)

shes still saying she cant move back ,even when i rent new house -needs to get over things .